Press "Enter" to skip to content

Report: Self-Diagnosed Insomnia Completely Unrelated to Nightly Bottle of Red Wine

WASHINGTON — A new report from the National Institute of Health finds that rates of insomnia claimed by many late-thirties and forty-year-olds are totally valid and not at all connected to nightly excessive alcohol consumption.

“Every night at around 3 a.m. I wake up with a headache and a dry throat. I drink a glass of water then lie in bed for the next two hours and can’t get back to sleep,” said Carrie Johanssen, local single mom. “I used to think it was scrolling on my phone in bed that was keeping me up, so I turned on night mode. Then I thought that maybe I just needed to be more mindful, so I started trying meditation apps, but that wasn’t it either. I’m really at my wit’s end. All I want is to be able to go to work, come home, drink five or six glasses of wine, then get a good night’s rest. I don’t know what the problem is.”

Dr. Deshaun Harris, the author of the report, spent nearly a year combing through data to find his results.

“Self-Diagnosed Insomnia, or SDI, is an epidemic among geriatric millennials and Gen-Xers,” said Harris. “The single most contributing factor is actually anxiety. This group of people are in a unique position to have to worry about early professional issues such as finding gainful employment with health insurance, while also having to worry about retirement and social security. This leads to an enormous amount of stress, which can impact sleep. Through our research, we reached the conclusion that these individuals should do anything in their power to help get better sleep, be it buying a noise machine or continuing to drink four-dollar pinot noirs from Trader Joe’s each night.”

Chair of the Sleep Research Department at the University of Oregon Cassandra Vaney had some advice for people struggling with SDI.

“The absolute first thing someone with SDI needs to do is confirm their suspicion. Get on Web MD or do a very brief Google search to confirm that you suffer from this condition and not from any life poor choices you might make on a regular basis. It’s important to establish a baseline first,” said Vaney. “The next step is simply blame the condition for being groggy at meetings or snapping at loved ones and friends. Remember, this is a largely incurable condition, so it’s important for the people in your life to understand that there’s absolutely no way you can prevent a flare up.”

At press time, SDI cases surpassed both Seasonal Affective Disorder and ADHD in confirmation bias through self-diagnosis.