NEW YORK — Local Napalm Death fan Mark Dixon is reportedly feeling proud about the comment made by a woman after they engaged in nearly two dozen seconds of sexual intercourse, confirms sexually frustrated source.
“20 seconds is the grindcore gold standard, anything longer than that and you’re trying too hard,” said Dixon as he tried not to dose off. “For me sex should be like a great Napalm Death song. It’s straight to the point, no fooling around. It starts, I scream, we’re done. There is none of that foreplay bullshit, that’s just a waste of energy. The only thing I hate more than a guitar solo is clumsily playing around with someone else’s genitalia. Let’s just blast it out and call it a night.”
The woman, who chose to remain anonymous, recounted her experience with Dixon.
“Usually when this happens the guy always has an excuse about ‘how this never happens’ and ‘how it’s because I’m so gorgeous,’ and it’s really embarrassing for all around. But this guy just asked if it felt as good for me and sort of rolled over, it just seemed like he didn’t give a shit about making it remotely pleasurable,” the woman stated. “I sort of laughed and said ‘you only lasted 20 seconds’ and then he started going on and on about how some of the best songs ever written are right around that long. He still sends me playlists, I need to block him.”
Psychologist and professor Dr. Adam Schneider believe that an individual’s musical preferences can shape their experience and behavior in sexual encounters.
“It’s fascinating how people can have their personalities defined in a very significant way by a really specific style of alternative music that they are passionate about,” shares Dr. Schneider. “One of my patients had been complaining and opening up about the unusually long amount of time it was taking for him to reach sexual climax with his partner. We have been working for months now on this issue, analyzing and discussing his childhood memories and traumas, but what is finally improving his situation is the decrease in 45-minute-long instrumental post-rock songs he listens to in his daily life”
At press time, our source was seen sneaking Godspeed You! Black Emperor albums inside the record sleeves of grindcore bands in Dixon’s collection.