Press "Enter" to skip to content

Bass From High School Completes Sixth Interstate Move Without Seeing Light of Day

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. — Local woman Nina Hernandez reportedly took the time to pack and load the starter bass she received in high school for a sixth time without ever actually playing the instrument, a coalition of confounded roommates report.

“I got it for Christmas when I was 15 and noodled around for a few months, but back then, once summer came I was way too busy drinking those good Four Lokos and going to the beach. Plus, no one told me it’s wicked hard to play bass. If I wanted an instrument this hard to learn I would’ve gotten a guitar. Still, once about every year and a half I think about taking lessons, so I just can’t get rid of it,” Hernandez explained while shoving the bass into the back corner of her new closet. “I’ve moved it from the east coast to the west coast, back to the east coast, to Arkansas, Chicago, and then finally to Florida. The good thing is the case only takes up six full feet of whatever room I’m renting, and I only notice how incredibly heavy it is when I have to pick it up to move out.”

Hernandez’ former roommate Kiko Pei explained their doubts about the fabled instrument.

“There’s cobwebs all over the case. I tripped over it at least twice a week when Nina was living here and I still don’t know what color the fucking bass is. Honestly, I’m not even sure there’s anything in there,” Pei said, looking mildly irritated. “When she first moved in, she said she’d been playing bass for seven years, but I really think she meant she’s played that bass seven times in total. When she moved out, I told her about this music store in town that accepts instrument donations, but she insisted she’d play it at her new place, and spent a full 40 minutes reconfiguring all the shit in her car so that the bass would fit.”

Adolescent therapist Dr. Paula Niham offered some insight as to why Hernandez has such an attachment to the instrument.

“Most teens get attached to an object when they move out of their parental home for the first time as a token of security and comfort. Of course, in Ms.Hernandez’ case, she chose perhaps the bulkiest and most useless item possible. More puzzling still is the fact that she
completely ignores the instrument, not even opening the case to look at it, nevermind utilize it,” Dr. Niham stated. “And despite 15 years of experience in this field, I can’t identify why she continues to move it from house to house a decade after her teenage years have ended.”

At time of publication, Hernandez was seen struggling to lift the bass into a station wagon, fully blocking her rear view.