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Members of Metallica Decide to Kick Dave Mustaine Out of Megadeth

LOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman, and only remaining founding member, Dave Mustaine was shocked to discover he was kicked out of his own band by members of Metallica, outraged fans confirmed.

“The decision to fire Dave from Megadeth was a hard one, but ultimately the right decision for the group going forward,” noted Lars Ulrich, drummer and founder of Metallica, while soaking in his cryotherapy machine. “We fired him pretty quickly after forming Metallica, and look how great we’ve done! Dave was clearly holding them back. We just don’t see a future for him in Megadeth, it’s nothing personal. Well, it’s kind of personal. We want to wish him good luck in any future bands he takes part in before we fire him from those projects too.”

Megadeth guitarist Kiko Loureiro was stunned when he heard the news of his band’s roster shakeup.

“I was notified by email, which I thought was kind of impersonal and cold, to be quite honest,” admitted the accomplished Brazilian axman. “The message was straight and to the point. It said something like, ‘Dear Megadeth, please note that Mr. Mustaine will hereby no longer assume the role of vocalist and guitarist of the above-stated band, as he is and always has been an annoying, stupid, crappy crap head who is also lame. Best, Metallica.’ Their ability to hold a grudge over nearly 40 years is quite impressive and terrifying.”

Former Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine vented about the sudden ousting from his own band.

“Classic dickhead move from my former and way less talented band Metallica,” sulked Mustaine. “Why do they always have to pick on Dave Mustaine? Why can’t they pick on Slayer or Anthrax for once? Well, one thing is for sure, Dave Mustaine will not take this lying down. Dave Mustaine will start a new band and show them who the true master of metal is. But first, Dave Mustaine is going to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and throw darts at pictures of James and Lars.”

At press time, Metallica revealed that Mustaine would not be allowed to form another band for at least 18 months, and the new frontman for Megadeth would be chosen through a series of TikTok competitions.