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Grizzled Detective Can’t Crack Huge Conspiracy Until He Gets More Yarn From Joann’s Fabrics

LOS ANGELES — Hardboiled detective Rex Lawson intends to solve a murder conspiracy involving wealthy elites, and possibly the city comptroller, just as soon as he gets more yarn from his local Joann’s Fabrics.

“I’m convinced Mrs. Shaughnessy murdered her husband in order to get her mitts on his family’s apricot farm. But as much as I’d like to buy that dame a one-way ticket to Sing Sing, I just can’t fully connect the dots until I pick up another ten or so bundles of nylon yarn,” said Lawson. “People think detective work is all late-night stakeouts, sleeping with beautiful femme fatales, and pinning seemingly incongruous pictures to your wall and connecting them with yarn. But no one ever sees the hours spent pushing through the old ladies at the local fabric store’s clearance bin to stock up on police supplies.”

Retired school teacher and Joann’s Fabrics regular Marianne Bennett had no idea Lawson was working a case, or even in law enforcement.

“I wasn’t sure what to make of Mr. Lawson when he first came in out of the rain, trenchcoat soaked, half in the bag, and asking if mohair would be too gauzy for a summer shawl. Turns out the perpetual five o’clock shadow and gruff exterior were just red herrings, and Rexy is a complete sweetheart,” explained Bennett. “The detective thing is surprising. The only time I had seen him do anything even close to resembling police work was when he interrogated a cashier for refusing to honor his expired President’s Day coupons.

Following an internal investigation, Los Angeles Police Chief Angelo White fired Lawson for insubordination.

“We became suspicious of detective Lawson when a deputy discovered a hand-knit alpaca fur trilby in his desk,” said White. “An authorized search of the detective’s home revealed absolutely no leads or evidence related to the Shaughnessy murder or even the Cerle Le Rouge jewel heist, but instead every wall of his home was plastered with articles from Knit Crazy Quarterly and printed Facebook memes from an online crocheting group.”

Lawson has since been convinced the police chief, Mrs. Shaughnessy, and the night manager at Joann’s Fabrics are conspiring to frame him. As such, the disgraced gumshoe vows to exact revenge just as soon as he figures out how to knit two pounds of cashmere wool into a working snub-nosed revolver.