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Barrel Shortage Forces Craft Breweries to Use Actual Tables

PORTLAND, Ore. — Breweries across the Pacific Northwest are faced with barrel supply chain issues forcing them to utilize a piece of furniture known as a “table,” confused sources confirmed.

“Our barrels have to be replaced every couple of months because, believe it or not, decorative barrels aren’t a sturdy product. But now with these supply issues, we’ve been forced to switch back to pedestrian tables like some sort of low-rate Italian restaurant,” said Irvin Samuels, owner of the brewery Military Industrial Hop-plex. “I tried to keep a similar vibe by throwing a big piece of plywood over some saw horses, but it’s just not the same. Every time I look at those four-legged abominations I break down in tears… because without inconvenient thematic seating, we’re just a taproom.”

Patrons at Samuels’ brewery also seemed deeply upset by this harrowing situation.

“Between the Edison bulbs, tulip glasses, and those 30 taps, I thought I was at a craft brewery,” said Michael Carmel, a customer who inexplicably brought his three children with him to have a beer. “But it can’t be, because I tried to put my drink down and I couldn’t find a single barrel to set it on! Luckily I didn’t wind up having to sit and stop for a second anyway, because I thought my youngest was going to throw something at me, but he was just taking his pants off.”

Industry expert Anderson Maytag is sounding the alarm that this could spell the end for the craft beer industry.

“Barrels may not seem like a big deal to some, but they represent the very innovation that swanky, overpriced micro-breweries are known for,” said Maytag. “We went from tables to barrels, IPAs to double IPAs, double IPAs to triple IPAs. Moving back to tables stifles that sort of outside-the-box thinking. Now we may never have a brewer creative enough to take us from triple IPAs to quadruple IPAs. Yeah sure, the environment is important, but do you really want to live in a world where we may never see a septuple IPA? That’s the bleak future that keeps me up at night.”

At press time, Samuels decided that his only option was to abandon his brewing business and convert the space into a table-themed cocktail bar.