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How I Improved My Sleep Hygiene by Passing Out in the Bathtub

Are you waking up every morning feeling like a shitty idiot? Then you need to do what I did and work on your “sleep hygiene.” This means improving your nighttime routines and environment to boost the quality and quantity of your sleep. Within no time you’ll wake up feeling like a regular idiot!

Speaking as someone who read half a Buzzfeed article on the subject, got bored, went to the bar, drank myself into a stupor, and woke up in my bathtub feeling surprisingly okay, I am uniquely positioned to give you the definitive guide to leveling up your sleep game without leveling down your “being a total fucking legend” game.

Here are my tips for winning at sleep:

Keep a consistent routine
Don’t have eight beers one night and twelve the next. It’s much better to have ten every night so you’re not constantly throwing your body out of sync.

Avoid screens before bedtime
You can achieve this by accidentally dropping your phone in a puddle on the way home from the bar.

Sleep where your body tells you to
If you’ve arrived home and are nodding off mid-piss, don’t fight the urge to flop into the nearby bathtub. Your body knows best.

Sleep in the correct position
Just as the bathtub cleans you on the outside in the daytime, it stands to reason that it can also clean you on the inside overnight, given the right sleep position. Lie face-down, head on the taps, spine curving gently in the wrong direction, and let the contours of the tub naturally cleanse your sleep particles or something.

Create a relaxing sleep environment
Run yourself a bubble bath and float some tea lights in it. It goes without saying that you’ll need both a snorkel and a fire extinguisher if you’re going with this method.

Get a noise machine
A soothing wash of high-frequency sound can be helpful, but don’t be suckered into buying a white noise machine. Be like me and just have tinnitus.

Easy! What you will lose in friends, romantic partners, and career prospects, you will more than make up for in alertness and a new outlook on life. Unfortunately, that outlook is due to the 45-degree crick in your neck.