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Beatdown Hardcore Show Vibe Affected by Jane Goodall Observing From Corner and Taking Notes

LOMBARD, Ill. — The typically tough-as-nails beatdown band Rank and File were reportedly thrown off their game at a recent show at the Gulch when they noticed famous primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall hidden in the corner taking notes, weirded-out sources confirmed.

“Man, she just really got me in my head. I’d try to move on to the next song, and I’d notice her in my peripheral vision, just scribbling away in that notebook. I got really self-conscious with her there, it made it difficult for me to remember some of my mosh calls like ‘fuck this place up’ or ‘this is your last chance,’” said Rank and File frontman C.T. Peters. “It totally ruined the vibe of the show, you could tell everyone was aware of her presence and were second-guessing their actions in the pit because of it. Reminded me of the time long ago when Steve Irwin did a TV segment during one of our sets.”

Attendees of the show echoed Peters’ statements and felt the presence of Goodall affected their attention.

“Oh, of course I noticed her there in the corner with her little pad. First of all, you don’t normally see any octogenarians at hardcore shows, and if you do they’re usually lost and trying to find their way out,” said local crew member Merle Geffen. “But my attention went straight to Goodall that night because, well, I’m a huge fan. I really admire her, read all her books. I couldn’t pay attention at all to my friends onstage, I was fighting the urge to lumber up to Dr. Goodall and ask her to sign the copy of ‘Seeds of Hope’ I always keep in my messenger bag.”

Goodall seemed almost embarrassed that her presence at the show was so widely recognized.

“I meant the punks no harm with my observance, I simply wanted to better understand their chugging riffs, their distorted vocals…their way of life, really,” said Goodall before noting the moshing ritual bore a striking resemblance to chimpanzee behavior. “They were fascinating subjects and I strove to gain their eventual acceptance. It saddens me that my presence indeed threw off any vibe there may have been. I realize, through my analysis, how crucial and delicate a vibe can be.”

“But now I must leave in peace, though I do hope to continue my research again someday,” Goodall opined. “In fact, maybe next week when they play the VFW with Shin Splinter.”

At press time, the owner of the Gulch wished Goodall would come back and retrieve the chimpanzee she left there.