10 Other Things You’ll Have To Pry From My Cold, Dead Hands

Posted on by James Knapp

I know how this scheme works, you liberal cucks. First you wanna take away my beloved machine guns, which I have nicknamed “Better Penis” and “The Landlady,” and then that just opens the floodgates for you to come and take away anything else that brings me joy in this world. Well here are a few other things that, if you want ‘em, you’re gonna have to pry from my very rigorred grasp:

My favorite hamster, Devon

Although occasionally he likes to ride in my pocket, I much prefer to hold his widdle fuzz in my bare, cupped hands. Anybody who tries to disrupt him is a damn communist.

This Pickle Jar

Well, my hand appears to be forever stuck in this jar of kosher dills. That is, unless I release the pickle inside of it that I’m currently holding, which of course I will never do. Because I really want that pickle and it’s all mine and if I let go someone else might try to take it. So pry away you snowflakes and maybe you will free me from this vinegary entrapment!

Wrestlemania Tickets That I Stole From Make-A-Wish

Why should those entitled cancer kids get a hand out? If that little bald boy really wanted to see a smackdown so bad then he should have just pulled himself up by his bootstraps right after I pushed him out of his wheelchair.

This Yankee Candle That Smells Like a Rainy Saturday

Look, I just like it. Let’s not linger on this one, but do know that I will brain you with this remarkably sturdy candle jar if you ever dare try to remove it from my presence.

Inexpensive Wine

It comes in a box and it tastes like weeds and is the only thing that lets me sleep in the morning. No, I don’t have a problem! You’re a problem!

A Big Knife

Go ahead. Try to grab it. I dare you.

The Divorce Papers

It’s not going well and I’m really sorry about the affair and all I really want is one more chance to be the husband and father I always knew I could be, Cathy. Please will you reconsider the arbitration?

Judy Blume’s “Superfudge”

When I was in 2nd grade I picked up my copy of this beloved children’s novel from the school library because it was the heaviest book I could find to use to bash nerds in the back of the head with. I still have that same copy and, though it’s mostly sentimental, I occasionally take it out to beat the sweatervest off some brainiac two tables over who had the absolute lack of balls necessary to order a lite kale salad. No one, not even the assistant manager, can take that away from me.

A little Knife

I don’t even need the big one. See? You still won’t try to grab it, you pussy.

Pepsi Fingers

Nothing beats the cool, refreshing feeling of an ice cold Pepsi cola being slowly and deliberately poured over the webbings in between each of my fingers. God I love that. It’s chilling but it’s also sticky – so it’s really the best of both worlds. Anyway, what were we talking about again?

Legendary Venue’s Bathroom Soap Dispenser Still Full From When They Opened

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — Concert-goers at the legendary Smoking Barrel recently learned that the club has never had to refill the contents of its bathroom soap dispensers since it was established, grossed-out sources confirmed.

“I’ve been running the Barrel for a little over 35 years now, so naturally there has been a considerable amount of upkeep needed to keep it running,” bar owner George Winston stated. “I’ve had to replace five bathroom stall doors, seven clogged toilets, two stages, countless smashed waste baskets, nine sinks, fixed about 20 light fixtures, and plugged at least three glory holes. Yet never once has anyone ever touched the soap dispenser. I guess it’s punk to not wash your hands or something and it’s gross to think about. But hey, that’s less I gotta do.”

Suzy Randolf, a local who frequents Sunday matinee punk shows at the Barrel, talked about her experiences with the venue’s lavatory.

“This entire time, I never even realized there was soap in those abominations,” Randolf said while sitting at the bar. “As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve even dared to use those bathrooms. Having to walk by them to get to the pit area is torture enough. Whenever I need to go, I head over to the 7 Eleven across the street. Not only do they have immaculate restrooms, but I can grab a bag of Doritos and a 40oz to have in the alleyway while waiting for the openers to finish their sets.”

Dr. Muhammad Shamir, a specialist in germ studies, provided examples of other important hygiene practices typically ignored at shows.

“Sadly, as fun as concerts are to attend, they can also essentially be petri dishes of disease,” Dr. Shamir explained while grimacing. “For example, hardcore singers tend to snot-rocket right on stage instead of using a tissue. Although this looks very tough and cool, it most certainly is irresponsible from a contagion standpoint. This is just one of many examples of punks disregarding the importance of hygiene.”

At press time, the sound guy working was seen walking out of the restroom and headed straight to the stage to start handling the microphone equipment.

Punk Rushes to Free Cigarettes Out of Hot Car

Posted on by Alex Salcido

PHOENIX — Local punk Frankie “Bullet” Higgins is quietly and privately working through the trauma of leaving his Yellow American Spirits sitting in the scorching and unforgiving heat of his roommate’s 2013 Hyundai Element, sources confirmed.

“That was embarrassing to say the least. It still is,” said Higgins, struggling to maintain eye contact behind his broken and borrowed sunglasses. “But this rarely ever happens. My smokes are by my side, every day, 24/7. I’ve never had an issue. I remember making this sly joke and reaching for my cigarettes and realizing they were stuck in the car. I ran down 18 flights of stairs and across a huge parking lot to save them. We all just had a really crazy night last night and they just got away from me. It’ll never happen again, that’s for damn sure.”

Apparently, this string of irresponsible behavior from Higgins has gone on for much longer than a month.

“We’ve had to rescue his cigarettes over a dozen times in the last year,” said neighbor and ex-bandmate Daryl Davies. “We’ve saved them from the heat, from the rain, you name it. He’ll just get drunk, lose his cigarettes, and just start going into someone else’s pack. Last August, we found a pack at the bottom of a Motel 6 pool. There were 16 smokes left in there. So much life ahead of that pack. He was so hungover, he didn’t even notice.”

Natural American Spirits representative Jessie Smith weighed in on the incident..

“We here at Natural American Spirits send our best wishes to Mr. Higgins – and more so his pack. We value Mr. Higgins as a lifelong customer and hope he walks away from this experience having learned something. Our hearts and thoughts go out to every cigarette lost and neglected along the way. This just reminds us that in these trying times, we need to remember to look outside of ourselves and look out for each other, especially our dearest loved ones. Remember, as next summer comes around – if you’re hot, they’re hot.”

At press time, Higgins was seen walking out of a local convenience store with two packs of Yellow American Spirits.

Help! I Smashed up This Rage Room for 20 Minutes Before Realizing It’s Just a Crate & Barrel

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Some say that I run a little hot-blooded, that I’m too quick to break a beer bottle over someone’s head before thinking things through. Those people are right, but fuck ‘em. But now I’m thinking they may have a valid point because I just tore through this rage room for 20 minutes before realizing it’s just a Crate & Barrel. And man, are people pissed.

In my defense, crates and barrels are the most common items to smash up in movies and video games, so the name is a bit misleading. Secondly, who the fuck even put out such expensive furniture and expect it to not get a little damaged? Forgive me for not being able to tell a $2000 pre-weathered dining room set for some $50 one on clearance at Goodwill. Though I should’ve known something was up five minutes in, oak is surprisingly hard to drive an ax though.

When I first walked in I thought there was a theme or something, like a puzzle room. And I assumed the theme was ‘my parents rec room after my dad told me I’d never make a living writing Invader Zim fanfiction. I mean whoever designed this showroom got it just right. But some constructive feedback: a trigger warning would have been a nice heads up.

OK, maybe some of this is my fault. But frankly, I thought the employees were screaming with me, not at me. If you were chucking wine decanters at the ceiling and some guy was yelling ‘Jesus Motherfucking Christ’, would you not take that as encouragement?” If anything you’d start breaking stuff faster.

So since the cops are already on their way now might be a good time to mention the GoFundMe for $40k I threw together to cover the damages. Full disclosure, I initially only smashed up about half of that goal, but I was so mad at myself that I took it out on the accent tables. Talk about a vicious cycle!

Am I fucked? Probably. Did I give several retail workers PTSD? Definitely. Though let’s be honest, if you were driving down the road and saw a showroom full of overpriced loungers for yuppies, you’d probably demolish it without a second thought too.

TikTok Corn Kid Accepts Lobbying Position at Cargill

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Viral TikTok sensation “Tariq the Corn Kid” shocked fans and political insiders alike after accepting a lucrative lobbying position on behalf of Agriculture conglomerate Cargill, sources close to the corn enthusiast confirmed.

“These guys and suits asked me how much I liked corn, and I told them a whole lot. Then they asked if I wanted to go to Washington to tell people with eggs for heads how great corn is, and I know they have the museum with the cool airplanes there so I said yes,” said Tariq. “I told a Senator that when the world is scary we can take a corn break, and then I handed him some files the suit guys gave me and he was super happy. Now I can eat all the corn I want with infinite butter.”

Cargill executive Gary Lewis the company’s synergistic relationship with the TikTok star.

“Let’s be real, up until six weeks ago corn wasn’t exactly at the forefront of the collective consciousness. But then Tariq’s interview and its subsequent remix came along and suddenly Google searches for corn are up 9000% and he’s named the freaking ‘corn-bassador,’“said Lewis. “Tariq embraces the world for all the beauty it contains, and we can leverage this to make the ‘Got Milk’ campaign look like amateur hour. When he’s sitting before a Congressional panel, I doubt anyone will be equating high fructose corn syrup with severe obesity.”

While Corn Kid’s pivot into politics seemed unconventional to many, it was a move that viral video stars have quietly undertaken.

“Viral TikTok memes and videos come and go within a week, two if you’re lucky. The industrious stars of the videos will cash in quickly, and the easiest way to do it is by pushing corporate agendas in our nation’s capital. Remember Nathan Apodaca, the guy who was drinking Ocean Spray while skateboarding to Fleetwood Mac? He’s single-handedly responsible for convincing Congress to pass legislation to reduce cranberry tariffs,” said lobbyist watchdog Kaitlyn Smith. “And now with Corn Kid lobbying on behalf of ‘Big Ag,’ don’t be surprised if the FDA suddenly greenlights genetically modified corn as big as footballs.”

As of press time, Tariq has become a target of scrutiny after charging a $50,000 speaking fee to deliver the commencement speech at Cornell University.

Coolio Fans Everywhere Solemnly Half-Mumble Along to “Gangsta’s Paradise”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Fans of the late, exceptionally talented rapper Coolio spent the last 12 hours muttering the lyrics they can remember to his hit song “Gangsta’s Paradise,” depressed white boys confirm.

“Man, Coolio was a fuckin’ legend,” local barista and hipster Grant Standish bemoaned while furiously uploading tributes to his Instagram stories. “Truly an icon. He was just making hit after hit after hit in the ‘90s. I mean, come on! ‘Fantastic Voyage,’ ‘1,2,3,4,’ and of course, ‘Gangsta’s Paradise.’ I remember the first time I heard that track. His flow…so impressive. I’ve been half-assedly singing along in the car, completely incapable of maintaining any rhythm or recalling a single verse lyric ever since. But hey, at least I tried.”

Local radio DJ Clint Homewood took the rapper’s death as an opportunity to flex his cultural awareness and appreciation.

“I’m telling y’all right now, it’s gonna be all old-school rap all fuckin’ day,” Homewood said, doing his best to not slip into a “blaccent.” “We’re starting off with Coolio’s debut and working through his whole discography. I plan on spinning ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ at least seven times today, and the lucky caller number 69 gets to come on the air and try their best to rap along. I expect to get some real badass homies up on the airwaves, for real.”

Venue owner Terrence Harris was less than pleased with the local Caucasian community’s insistence on public mourning.

“Listen, man, I’m the only Black person to own a musical venue on this side of town. I’ve literally had throngs of white people show up to my door and apologize personally for my loss. Coolio was obviously a fucking great musician, but like, are they really under the impression that we were like, friends? I didn’t know this man. None of us did. I’m just a Black man pushing 60, and apparently, that’s all they’re able to see.”

At press time, Standish was seen signing up for a slot at his local karaoke night to show off his deeply mediocre rap skills.

How Embarrassing: Everyone at This Liberal Arts College Wore the Same Phoebe Bridgers Shirt to Class Today

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

It’s always awkward when two girls show up in the same outfit but it’s even worse when nearly two thousand students at the same liberal arts college come to class wearing the same Phoebe Bridgers tour shirt.

To be fair, there was a Phoebe Bridgers concert less than a mile away from campus the other night. It should have been obvious that something was afoot when nobody showed up to Professor Johnson’s 5:00 lecture but nobody thought that all twelve of her students were camping out in front of the same amphitheater!

Besides, Phoebe Bridgers offers a lot of great merch designs at her shows. One would think that at least some of the student body here would have picked something other than the black tour shirt with the dates on the back to wear to class, but nope! They all needed to make it clear to everyone else that they went to that concert as if their tote bags and Doc Martens weren’t a dead giveaway.

Hell, half of them are also wearing the tote bags that they bought at the show last night! The poor professors have no means of telling any of the students apart besides remembering who has dyed hair and who has a bunch of bad stick and pokes.

At least some of my classmates saved themselves the embarrassment of unintentionally matching with their entire English lecture. My roommate didn’t even come to class today because she’s still in the hospital after passing out during “Moon Song.” She may not have hydrated before the show or even showered but she saved herself from further ridicule by not coming to class in the same shirt as everyone else. Good for her!

Since I have some time to kill before my next class starts later today, I’m heading back to my apartment to feed the cats and change into a different sad indie artist’s tour shirt. Hopefully, none of my classmates have heard of Lucy Dacus.

Band Takes Break in Middle of Set to Plug Sponsors Blue Apron and ZipRecruiter

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CORVALLIS, Ore. — Local punk band No Thank You took a quick breather in the middle of their set to promote their sponsors Blue Apron and ZipRecruiter, sources who’ve heard of those companies but couldn’t care less confirmed.

“It’s literally the only way we can get properly compensated for our art,” said lead singer Lee Treadwell before asking if he was allowed to swear on this thing. “We actually get a little bit of money thrown at us every time we mention one of our many sponsors. That’s why in addition to plugging them in between songs we have several lyrics specifically about our advertisers. Our song ‘Love Is a Four-Letter Word’ actually has several references to Stamps.com, and the chorus to ‘Leave Already’ is just the words ‘like a good neighbor State Farm is there’ said repeatedly. Some say it’s sad what we’re doing, but to that we say ‘cha-ching.’”

Members of the audience weren’t quite sure what to make of their choice of in-between song stage banter.

“Even their merch booth seemed to consist exclusively of hydro flasks and t-shirts with various sponsors’ logos printed on them. Still can’t believe they ran out of medium-sized Squarespace shirts though,” said Luke Stainwell, who was actually there to see a different band. “I mean, yeah, it was extremely cringe to see a band succumb to their capitalist overlords like that. But on the other hand, they gave me the promo code ‘punk4life’ to get 20% off my next MeUndies order. That’s pretty sweet.”

Local marketing analyst Judy Steinway believes this is only the beginning of advertisers’ attempts to encroach upon the arts.

“Sponsors are slowly figuring out more creative ways to infiltrate our everyday lives with these live product placements,” said Steinway. “First it was television commercials and social media. Now it’s during local shows. Next these companies are going to start paying people to promote them through everyday conversations. Don’t be surprised if one day a discussion with your therapist about your childhood trauma quickly devolves into a brief plug from one of the hundreds of meal prep kit companies out there. That’s Orwellian or Kafkaesque. One of those.”

At press time, No Thank You decided to maximize their advertising revenue by releasing an album called “Toyotathon” which will be followed up with a record called “Lexus’ December to Remember.”

Aristocrat’s Monocle Falls Into Bisque When Punk Shows Up to Banquet

Posted on by Tim Graham

LOS ANGELES — Archibald Van Heusen III’s shock upon seeing a guest in full punk regalia at a Getty Museum fundraiser caused his monocle to drop into his lobster bisque, waitstaff at the $10,000 per plate gala confirmed.

“My wife Beatrice was beside herself, she ended up pulling a muscle in her hand from clutching her pearls so hard,” said the still fuming oil magnate as he lit a cigar with a one hundred dollar bill. “We were assaulted by the stench of body odor and cheap beer from across the dining hall. Several attendees swooned upon being subjected to the profanity that this miscreant was spouting. In the commotion, my favorite cumberbund was spattered with béarnaise sauce! Why such an uncouth, foul-mouthed louse would ever be allowed within a mile of this hallowed institution is beyond me!”

Newly wealthy punk Ronnie Grabowski saw nothing wrong with his behavior at the soirée, where he surprised many by being one of the evening’s biggest donors.

“I was there ‘cuz my accountant said I needed to do some tax write-offs or some shit,” said Grabowski. “I’m just trying to figure out what to do with all this money I inherited from my rich uncle. He hated everyone in the family—except me, for some reason. His final ‘fuck you’ was to leave everything to me. So I guess I’m a fucking billionaire now. But I’m not going to let that change me. I’m still going to dress punk, go to shows, and spit in cop cars. I’ll probably stop getting furniture from the sidewalk, though.”

Wealth management consultant Trevor Cleese specializes in helping the nouveau-riche navigate their entrée into high society.

“Going from broke to multi-millionaire can be tough,” said Cleese. “My clients include TikTok stars, successful YouTubers, and yes, even punks who’ve inherited a fortune. It can be challenging for them to assimilate into the upper crust while maintaining their identities. They often come from under-priveleged backgrounds, so I help them to avoid what’s known as ‘Beverly Hillbillies Syndrome.’ For instance, I understand Mr. Grabowski used his salad fork to comb out his mohawk at the table. While I’d never want to curb my clients’ freedom to be who they are, I also try to gently guide them toward more acceptable behavior.”

At press time, Grabowski was in the process of converting his late uncle’s megayacht into a floating all-ages venue.

The Next Euronymous? This Metalhead Bought a Camera

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Some black metal fans remember Euronymous for his work in Mayhem or as a pioneer of the early Norwegian black metal scene. Others know him as the guy whose first reaction to finding his bandmate, Dead, dead from a gunshot wound was to buy a camera and take pictures of the corpse. Love or hate the guy, there is nobody like him. At least, that’s what we thought until we saw his apparent successor rush into the photography aisle of a local CVS.

“As soon as I saw the corpse paint and long, greasy hair, I knew this guy was something special. But once he inquired about our selection of disposable cameras I was certain that I’d just met the next Euronymous,” said CVS cashier Seth Chamberlain. “But don’t worry, I didn’t sell him any matches so the churches should be safe for now.”

The successor in question, a metalhead by the name of Adrian “Hellhøster” Hunt, didn’t seem to understand what Chamberlain and other CVS employees saw in him when approached for comment.

“Hey, do you have experience using any of these cameras?” he asked upon noticing our stares. “Sorry if my makeup freaked you out, by the way. I don’t usually come here in full corpse paint but my friend just did something really cool and I have to get it on film.”

Chamberlain was quick to interject that Euronymous made similar remarks upon discovering Dead dead on that fateful day in black metal history, but Hunt disagreed with the comparison and even seemed disgusted at the mention of the late Mayhem guitarist’s name.

“The next Euronymous? I would never do the awful things that he did. The only thing I have in common with him is the fact that I got stabbed once, but that was just one time. Besides, I’m only buying this camera to take pictures of the really cool necklaces that my friend designed for her Etsy. The grainy film really emphasizes the vintage aesthetic of her work.”

Despite his protests, we still report major Euronymous vibes from Hunt, who quickly rang up his purchase at the self-checkout and ran home upon remembering he left a delicious stew on the stovetop.