I’ll Probably Be the Only Guy With American Traditional Tattoos Wearing Docs and a Jean Jacket at the Gaslight Anthem Show Tonight

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Going to see a show is a great excuse to dress up. Over the last few years though, it feels like everyone in the scene is trying to look the same. Well, I’ve never been one to follow trends, so I’ll probably be the only guy with American traditional tattoos wearing Docs and a jean jacket at The Gaslight Anthem show tonight.

I’ve been planning this outfit ever since the band announced their reunion tour. I finally decided on a white t and black jeans with a little cuff on the bottom to complete my outfit. That combination should set me apart from the crowd even more. My brand new jean jacket is making its debut tonight. I’m definitely going to cuff the sleeves to show off the swallow tattoo I just got done on my forearm. You don’t see many people with these anymore.

Shows can also be a great place to meet women. Usually, when I try to talk to women at shows they don’t seem interested, which I’m realizing now probably had to do with what I was wearing. I gotta say, I’m looking good, so tonight could be my lucky night. There probably aren’t going to be very many women at this show, so I really need to stand out if I’m gonna find someone to make out with during ‘Blue Jeans & White T-shirts’. And I’ll definitely stand out. You can’t miss me.

I want to be clear though that I’m not just going to dress up and meet women. I’m not that kind of guy. I really do love this band and I am a long-time fan. You know half the people in the crowd are just coming to hear ‘59th Sound’, but I’m hoping for some deep cuts like ‘45’ and ‘Old White Lincoln’. Maybe Brian will even notice me and compliment my outfit to the crowd in between songs. That’d really get the attention of the women in attendance. Again though, that’s not why I’m going.

If you’re going to the show tonight, come say hello. It’s a pretty big venue but you shouldn’t have a problem finding me. If on the off chance there is a guy wearing a similar outfit as mine, which I seriously doubt, just look at the person’s hands. I’ve got a bright red rose tattoo on my left hand, and a panther head on the right one.

Local Tattoo Artists Brace for Wave of Absolute Dumbshit Requests After “Ink Master” Premiere

Posted on by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local tattoo artists are preparing for a huge wave of clients requesting the absolute stupidest, dumbshit tattoos possible in the wake of Paramount+ reviving “Ink Master” for another season, exhausted sources confirm.

“My books aren’t even open yet, but since the new season premiered, I have a billion DMs asking for shit like ‘traditional Japanese punk rock walrus on the ribs,’” said local tattoo artist Trisha Gonzalez. “I asked one guy to actually look at my profile because I specialize in illustrative black-and-grey, but he told me that if I can’t tattoo an American traditional pin-up of a scuba diving Courtney Love, then I ‘must not be a real Ink Master.’”

Local “Ink Master” fan Eric Bernhardt is looking to get his first tattoo and is thankful for another season of the show to give him a realistic idea of what to expect at his appointment.

“I recently moved here from Iowa and ‘Ink Master’ inspired me to get a full color, photorealistic ear of corn tattooed on the side of my head,” he said while sending identical Instagram DMs to six more artists. “Before I watched the show, I probably would have wasted time researching who would be the best fit for my idea, or even, God forbid, listening to an expert’s feedback on it. Now I know that any artist worth their salt should be able to draw and execute this badass corn tattoo flawlessly in a three-hour session.”

Paramount+ executive Bruce Williamson defended the decision to reboot the show, even if it does result in more people walking around with neo-traditional fast food tattoos on their chests for the rest of their lives.

“This show simply is a way to make the art of tattooing more accessible to people who might be intimidated by it. Anyone who thinks that the show portrays an unrealistic idea of the tattoo experience clearly hasn’t seen that episode a few seasons back where people got their fingernails tatted,” Williamson said, before shouting at his assistant. “Hey—make sure you tune in next week, we make the artists tattoo watercolor portraits of founding fathers while blindfolded. It’s a very touching episode.”

At press time, a visibly broken Gonzalez had reluctantly booked an appointment to tattoo a “new school zombie ballerina riding a tractor” on a client’s ass cheek.

FedEx to Hire More People to Fuck Up the Corners of Vinyl Records While in Transit

Posted on by John Danek

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Shipping conglomerate FedEx announced a massive hiring effort to recruit hundreds of staffers dedicated to fucking up vinyl records during the shipping process.

“As the vinyl boom only continues to grow, we remain steadfast in our dedication to fucking up, folding, and warping your records in transit,” stated FedEx Hiring Division spokesperson Gloria Wessant. “Thus, we must hire many more team members to make sure we don’t slip. The positions require no prior experience, but a cover letter and proof of punched drywall can only help your chances! And we offer better benefits than those mouth-breathing fucks over at UPS.”

A new FedEx Vinyl Fucker-Upper described what their typical work day entails.

“It’s actually quite an easy job and you get to be really creative. When a vinyl record comes across your desk, you are simply required to damage it in some way so that it isn’t in mint condition when it arrives to the destination,” explained Tom Kirkman, Junior Vinyl Fucker-Upper of the past five months. “You don’t want to actually break the vinyl inside—that would lead to the customer returning it, creating more work for us. You just want to usually bend a corner or two, or apply weight to the corner so it gets gently ruined. Occasionally, we load a lot of other packages onto the vinyl so it warps, but the cover is unaffected. It’s a delicate balance; a fine line we dance in this masquerade.”

Record label owners have reportedly known about this practice for years but are powerless to speak out.

“FedEx has been fucking up my vinyl shipments for quite some time and I suppose now it will become even more prevalent,” said Lora Norman, owner of independent label Flying Pigs Records. “It sounds bad but is actually somewhat beneficial. Record collectors are such non-confrontational introverts that they rarely want to ship it back and ask for a refund. Hell, they’ll often just buy a second copy and hope for the best. Thus, we end up selling more. I’m not proud, but I need to eat. Don’t judge me.”

Hot off the heels of the hiring frenzy, FedEx announced plans to start chipping and dinging new guitars in transit as well.

Quiz: Is She a Horse Girl or Does She Just Do Ketamine at Festivals?

Posted on by Sara Mellas

So you love horses. Well, I get it! Unfortunately, people who don’t love horses do not get it. That’s why us horse girls must stick together, which is harder to do these days, what with all the pseudo horse girls running around Peach Fest, Resonance, Summer Camp, and every other backwoods music festival you regret buying passes for. They claim they love horses and their majestic power, but what they really love is snorting enough Special K to take a horse out. Don’t let yourself be fooled, cowgirl.

Here are 8 basic questions to ask your potential new friend that are easy for any true horse girl to answer, even in the middle of a k-hole:

1. As a child, did you skip on the playground or did you trot?
Answer: Trot. We’re not some happy-go-lucky skippers who are satisfied moving in a non-horse manner.

2. Who was your favorite American Girl doll?
Answer: Felicity, because she had a horse.

3. What is the OG horse movie? (hint: you most likely watched it at horse camp)
Answer: The Man from Snowy River.

4. What do we do when we watch horse movies like Seabiscuit and Black Beauty?
Answer: We cry. A lot. Horse posers only watch these movies for a racing.

5. What are Jammies?
Answer: Horse Spanx.

6. What breed of horse has a mohawk mane and is therefore the most punk rock breed of horse?
Answer: Norwegian Fjord.

7. Are you strong?
Answer: I’m farm ripped.

8. What do we say when we drive past a field of horses or pass a horse trailer?
Answer: “Look, horses!”

Groundbreaking Emo Song About Healthy Relationship

Posted on by Amanda Russel

NEW YORK — Emo fans remain shaken to their core after the release of the previously unthinkable: a new track from acclaimed emo group Across the Tracks about what sounds like, by all accounts, a stable, healthy relationship.

“It’s like, no one’s ever heard this before,” frontman and lyricist Penn Sexton explained while muting his Twitter mentions. “I’m subverting the norms here. Have I ever been in a healthy relationship? No! Do I want to be? Fuck no! But I can imagine what it would be like, and that’s what being a fucking artist is. I’m trying to stretch out of my own comfort zone here, and all I’m getting in return is a bunch of assholes giving me shit.”

Former Across the Tracks fan and emo enthusiast Dave Creston cannot express his disgust enough.

“I didn’t get into this music to listen to a song about people who sound like my friend’s aunt and uncle,” he said angrily, kicking a rock down the sidewalk. “There’s a repeating line in the song about like, watching TV in bed together every night or some shit. And another about ‘surprising each other with thoughtful gifts.’ That’s totally fucked up. I had to stop listening. I’m not giving Across the Tracks any more of my money until they get their shit together and start writing about stalking high schoolers again.”

Emo historian Igor Helsinki rushed to denounce the song as soon as he heard it.

“This is unprecedented—I could barely get through it, it had so many major chords,” Helinski said with a shudder. “I don’t know what the fuck Sexton was trying to do here, but I wanna tell him, this isn’t it, man. Try again. No one writes about this shit for good reason. We want to hear about heartbreak, and suicide threats, and jilted love, and relationships that don’t work out, and getting fired from your job. You know, shit you can scream and wail along to in the shower or the car. That’s what emo is all about, and always has been.”

When pressed further about what the fuck he was thinking, Sexton predictably burst into tears.

Roomba Only One in Punk House With Job

Posted on by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA — A black Roomba S-694 autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner is, in fact, the only tenant in a local punk house with a job, according to recently released financial records.

“That little dude works around the clock. I didn’t think it was worth the risk when Peanut stole it from Best Buy, but this thing proved me wrong,” said roommate Dave Andrews, aka “Other Dave.” “We’re so inspired by his work ethic, getting up at the crack of dawn only to spend the day sucking up cigarette ash and food crumbs. He literally picked himself up by my bootstraps once. He’s motivating, honestly. I guarantee you that as soon as the rest of us polish off this ounce of weed I found in a bush, we’ll be looking for work, too.”

Landlord Michelle Smith was shocked to hear the five adult humans living in the two bedroom apartment were jobless.

“They never missed a payment, so now I’m worried they are stealing copper to get the rent money,” said Smith. “I thought they had a t-shirt business or a rock and roll band or something? ‘Original Dave’ told me they were getting PPP money or something. They’ve got like three drum sets in there! I just assumed they worked or had rich parents. Shit. I gotta get that Roomba on the lease.”

The Roomba admits that it’s proud of its contribution to the apartment’s bottom line.

“Look, I vacuum my pants on one leg at a time like the next guy. I’m a working class robot. I roll out of my charging station and begin sucking up bong water and guitar picks,” said the Roomba. “There’s a quiet dignity to my work, unless I get stuck on the cat’s tail again. Plus, I’m sure my human roommates will help pick up the financial slack when they can. I know the one with the mullet is considering selling their plasma, which could be big for the house. Then again, I’ve sucked up their blood and it’s gotta be at least fifty percent Fireball at this point. I couldn’t see straight for a week.”

As of press time, the Roomba was considering whether it could make it across the street to a nicer house when no one was looking.

Review: Taking Back Sunday “Tell All Your Friends”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week, The Hard Times travels back and revisits a notable album from the past. This week we’re doing a deep dive on Taking Back Sunday’s emo masterpiece “Tell All Your Friends.”

It’s been 20 years since everyone’s favorite ex-boyfriends Taking Back Sunday released this iconic emo album filled with sing-along hits. The record was officially released in March 2002, which just so happened to be six months after 9/11. That definitely cannot be a coincidence.

Now, I’m not some conspiracy theorist who believes the Earth is flat or Democrats eat baby formula or 5G gives you wings, but I’m almost positive this record is a concept album about the tragic events of September 11, 2001. I love when bands hide an album’s concept or make no mention of it in any interview whatsoever. Don’t let that fool you though. This album has 9/11 written all over it.

Like in the song “Great Romances of the 20th Century,” the very first lyric is, “September never stays this cold.” I don’t know what that translates to in emo terms, but I do know that 9/11 happened in September. Not everyone knows this but the “9” in 9/11 actually stands for September. Boom. There’s your first clue.

Then in the song “You’re So Last Summer,” the chorus goes like, “and all I need to know is that I’m something you’ll be missing.” At first glance, you might think it’s just how some emo dudes’ ego at work. But on second glance, Adam Lazzara is clearly anthropomorphizing the Twin Towers and speaking as them in the first person. He’s right. I do miss those buildings, they were a defining piece of the New York skyline. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

And there’s just something about this album that screams “never forget” which we all know is the official catchphrase of 9/11. I think they say that phrase a lot in “Cute Without the E.” I don’t know for sure though. It’s kind of hard to make out all the words when two people are singing different things at the same time. Classic TB Sunday.

To sum up, other than beating 9/11 over your head throughout the album, this record is top-notch.

SCORE: 2 out of 2 Twin Towers

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Danny Elfman Feeling Slighted as Haunted Carnival Decides to Go In Different Musical Direction

Posted on by Tim Graham

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Hollywood composer Danny Elfman was reportedly dejected after his proposed score for an legitimately haunted carnival was turned down, according to a ghoul who attended the pitch meeting.

“I figured I was a shoe-in,” said Elfman while unscrewing a jar full of spiders underneath a conference table. “I mean, come on! ‘Beetlejuice,’ ‘Tales From the Crypt,’ ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas?’ When it comes to creepy carnival music, I’m the guy. But the meeting was a disaster. Their offices stank like a tomb, and the undead execs were simply repulsive. One of them had an eyeball hanging out of its socket the entire time. Their brand manager was literally holding her own head in her lap and giving me notes. There was blood streaming down the walls. Whatever, I don’t need this shit, I’ve got ‘Simpsons’ money.”

Horrifying ancient spirit and creative director Gavin the Tormentor made the call to pass on Elfman’s bid for the project.

“Elfman’s a legend,” said the spirit as he leafed through a tome bound in human leather. “I’m a big Oingo Boingo fan myself. But what he proposed was this sort of corny oompah stuff. Yes, we’re a carnival. But more importantly, we’re trying to make it in the contemporary economic landscape. We’re looking for an elevated take on horror theme tropes. Whatever we choose needs to scare the pants off of the unfortunate souls who unwittingly wander into our creepy, forsaken hellscape, while still being hip and on-trend and appealing to consumers.”

Longtime music industry agent Lenny Dakota routinely warns established artists that they need to change with the times or risk becoming irrelevant.

“I tell my clients that they’ve got to stay current. For instance, today’s phantasms don’t want to try to terrify people accompanied by goofy cabaret music,” said Dakota. “They want something that will freak people out, not make them laugh. Creepy, slowed-down versions of pop songs are super hot right now. Or jarring avant garde classical—you know, whacking piano strings with a hammer sort of thing—poltergeists are really into that stuff. Even a kid singing a nursery rhyme with a shitload of reverb. That still works. But the clown stuff is pretty passé at this point.”

At press time, the haunted carnival was looking to recruit a lead designer that could make their graphics “pop”, but in a dark way, according to an Indeed listing.

Total Loser in Front Row Openly Having Incredible Time

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

BOSTON — Local ray of sunshine Sarah Bootley openly and unashamedly enjoyed Naval Tomb’s show from the front row last night, sources who wished she’d just stand there silently like the rest of the audience confirmed.

“They totally ruled last night! Definitely in my top 45 shows of this year!” gushed Bootley. “I still don’t understand why so many people were pointing and looking at me funny afterward, and it was totally weird that the crowd was recording me on their phones instead of the band the whole time. I hope everyone else enjoyed their night anyway. Kind of hard not to have when you got to witness them play ‘In the Belly of My Stomach’ in its entirety! I really got lost in the moment of it all.”

Fellow showgoer Lance Terry was deeply disturbed by Bootley’s public display of enthusiasm.

“Everyone knows bands prefer it when the crowd stays rigid and emotionless. It lets them know how cool and chill their fans are,” shared Terry. “I have been witness to the odd fan nodding their head to the beat here and there, but this girl was jumping up and down, waving her arms, and singing along to every song like she was on Rumspringa. I really feared for my life standing near her. At one point, she got so animated that she almost made me spill my beer. People like her are an embarrassment to the scene.”

Anthropologist Biff Nugent has been studying live shows for decades to understand the behaviors of audience members.

“We have found that under certain conditions, some humans are surprisingly unable to contain their excitement at witnessing live music,” said Nugent. “While most well-adjusted individuals can endure shows with crossed arms and neutral expressions, these fairer few can find the experience actually exhilarating and require an overt release. It can be a harrowing ordeal to find yourself standing beside one of these people thoroughly enjoying themselves while at a show. You should remember to stand your ground firmly and avoid any form of joyous movement yourself so as to discourage others from engaging in this behavior.”

At press time, Bootley was overheard leaving a cinema discussing the positive aspects of the film she had seen, to the disgust of those around her.

We Mashed up a Tool Song and a Muse Song and Now We’re the Smartest People to Ever Live

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

At times, the burden of all-encompassing intellect can be especially difficult to shoulder. The impossibility of stimulating all possible thought processes at once means even the brightest among us are still inevitably dimmed to a substantial degree.

Or so we thought.

It all started when we decided on listening to music during our daily colloquy. We were unanimous on including two bands in the rotation: Tool and Muse. But what we couldn’t decide upon was which one to play first. It felt wrong to prioritize one over the other. But how, pray tell, could both be experienced simultaneously — save for perhaps combining them in our heads.

Then it dawned on us. Through the power of technological wonder, we could fuse the mathematical ingenuity of Tool’s “Lateralus” with the searing political commentary of “Take a Bow.”

After submitting and receiving approval for our grant in record time, we set out to meet our destiny. Though we were hopeful, we were also cautious. But all fears were assuaged when the project was complete.

Upon completing our inaugural listen of what is henceforth known as “The Song”, we all looked around the room in amazement. It was the room just as how we had remembered it. But it was different. We had learned to see it as it really was. And this was just the beginning.

We weren’t surprised our lobes were given a workout through this endeavor. But we could’ve never anticipated this. The juxtaposition of lyrics as pointed and malefic as “Yeah, You’ll burn in hell” with time signatures that follow the Fibonacci sequence is an experience best described as “empyreal”. And the benefits are truly infinite.

Though we are honored by our status as international intelligence ambassadors, we do not take our roles lightly, nor do we look down upon the masses for their cognitive deficiencies. Instead, we hope to inspire them to think beyond themselves and what they think they know of the world they inhabit.

Could our intelligence go further? Find out next week, when we read “House of Leaves” while watching “Sátántangó” on mute.