Prospect of Having to Date Again Only Thing Saving Marriage

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

CHICAGO — Local couple Nicole Vario and Peter Brooks opted to stay together as the mere idea of dating caused both of them to become visibly ill despite their marriage being “deader than disco,” sources close to the pair confirmed.

“I mean it’s not that I don’t love Peter anymore, it’s just that I can’t stand anything about him. It happens,” the 38-year-old Vario remarked while alternating between divorce attorney and dating advice websites. “But I’ve been with Peter since college and I just don’t have the headspace or energy to navigate the dating scene right now. I mean, my single friends tell me what a shitshow Tinder is and setting up a profile with pics that don’t really look like me in real life sounds like an absolute nightmare. Peter doesn’t talk much anymore, but I can still get more words out of him than some weirdo simply DMing me the word ‘hey’ on these apps.”

Brooks could not agree more with his romantically unfulfilled partner’s sentiment.

“I mean, we get along, so it’s not like I’m miserable and we still have sex once every three years, so that’s a plus,” said Brooks. “The dating dynamic has changed so much since I was last single, so it would just end up being this huge learning curve. I’m nearly 40, I’m too old to try and put on airs to impress some stranger on the internet who can’t even look up from their phone for 30 seconds. I’ll take eating dinner with Nicole in complete silence while we rewatch ‘The Office’ for the 75th time over trying to connect with someone romantically online any day.”

Relationship experts note that this phenomenon is hardly unique in the current internet-centric culture.

“Older millennials have survived two economic recessions, multiple wars, and a global pandemic, they’re too worn down and busy to deal with all idiotic bullshit that dating entails,” remarked relationship expert Dan Savage. “As an adaptable group of people, they’re willing to look at every situation analytically to determine the best course of action. Therefore, it’s easy to see with all the instability they’ve experienced why they’d stay in a predictable rut than have to date the extremely online, raving lunatics their age that are still single.”

“Besides, unlike Boomers, at least they acknowledge there’s a problem in their relationships,” Savage added.

At press time, Brooks and Vario decided to try to have a baby as a last-ditch effort to avoid dating again.

We Tested Fifty Fuzz Pedals and Now We’ve Been Evicted From Our Apartment

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Sup gear nerds! As many fuzz freaks know, every fuzz pedal has a unique sound and character. With so many options available, it can be a daunting task to find the perfect fit for your sound. Fret not! We have personally tested fifty of today’s hottest fuzz circuits from the comfort of the studio apartment we used to be allowed to live in. Here’s what we found!

To start, our main discovery was that fuzz pedals are a lot more expensive than we anticipated when beginning this project. None of our friends were willing to loan us any because we “keep selling them on Reverb” or whatever. Last time we checked, if you don’t ask for your pedal back after three months it’s officially ours. Anyway, no worries, we just opened up a new credit card and off we went.

We tested the tried-and-true models; Fuzz Face, Big Muff, you name it. If you’ve heard of it, we probably dropped over $500 on a vintage one and went to town. These classics delivered the tone we expected. Loud, crunchy, and muddy. We don’t know if it was all the bong rips we took before the session, but at points, we could have sworn we heard rhythmic stomping coming from the ceiling and the walls. During our testing of the Fuzz Face we detected a faint, yet distinct, siren noise as well. Cool!

Next, we decided to try out some newer models. We remembered borrowing a Way Huge Swollen Pickle from a friend a while back so we chained up three Fender Hot Rod Deville Amps and cranked them all up to eleven. To be fair, the tube breakup was pretty intense at this point so we’re not sure what the pedal was actually doing, but it sounded so fucking righteous that our landlord came all the way out from the suburbs in the middle of the night just to hear it herself.

We tried to hook up a Death By Audio Fuzz War as our next test, but our neighbor came down to see what all the fuss was about. The rock and roll spirit overtook him and he started chucking our amps down the stairwell. This must have scared the landlord because she called the cops.

We hope this helped you in your tone adventure and, on a completely unrelated note, if you know anyone with an extra room, we could really use it for our next project!

Review: Primus “Suck on This”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Primus’ explosive debut “Suck on This” is a live recording that perfectly captures the idiosyncratic band and their bassist frontman Les Claypool doing all that signature slappy-thumby-tappy stuff that has characterized the band’s sound since.

The ingenuity of the music is impressive unto itself, but what’s more staggering is the fact that not only had Claypool never picked up a bass before that night, the members of Primus had never even met. Claypool had always wanted to be in a band, but spent most of his time fishing and never got around to learning an instrument. He figured it would be a great motivator to schedule a show months in advance, thinking the pressure would force him to stop procrastinating.

However, Claypool spent the intervening time huffing kerosene and forgot all about the show until the day of. He raced around Berkeley that afternoon, asking anyone he saw if they played guitar or drums. Eventually, he paid a barista and a delivery driver $40 each, with instructions to meet him at the club that evening with their gear.

Claypool showed up at the event wearing only a filthy union suit, with a bass that had been left behind by an old roommate. A stagehand showed him how to strap it on and plug it in, and the nascent bassist began attacking the instrument in a manner only a naive savant could, fueled by self-loathing for not having prepared whatsoever.

He instructed the impromptu band to follow his lead. The drummer and guitarist looked at each other, shrugged, and began playing along to Claypool’s furious, expressionistic string pummeling the best they could. Incredibly, the band’s initial fumbling while trying to find a rhythm in common resulted in a near-perfect recreation of the intro to Rush’s “YYZ”.

Needing to come up with lyrics on the spot, Claypool scanned the crowd, who had been lured there by flyers posted months earlier promising free mushrooms. Seeing a rather plump gentleman who looked to be fond of dessert-inspired the lyrics for what became “Pudding Time”. Someone shouting “You suck!” became “The Heckler”. And a man wearing a bucket hat covered with tackle gave Claypool the idea for “John the Fisherman”.

Somehow, despite all odds, the show and resultant album were a resounding success, inspiring Claypool to quit huffing and begin working on songwriting in earnest.

SCORE: 9.5 flat wound bass strings out of 12

/**/

Kanye West Doubles Down With Confederate Flag Jorts, Swastika Adorned Fedora

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PARIS — Kanye West continued to cause a stir at Paris Fashion Week when he followed up his controversial “White Lives Matter” shirt with a new outfit featuring Confederate Flag jorts and a fedora displaying the Nazi flag, multiple sources report.

“We knew Kanye would really be trying to push the limits of style during his visit, but we didn’t expect him to dress like a guy that burns tires in his backyard for fun,” said Paris Fashion Week organizer Darcy Manon. “We should have seen this coming when he drove up to the event in a lifted Dodge Ram with multiple pairs of truck nutz hanging from the bumper. We thought maybe he was being ironic at first, but then we read all the bumper stickers on the truck and realized he’s completely lost his mind. But he did look good when he was wearing Balenciaga.”

Defenders were quick to point out that West’s clothing choices do not condone slavery or the mass murder of over six million Jews.

“Everyone is being way too sensitive, Ye is shining a light on the fashion of underprivileged bog people who reject societal norms and create their own incestuous communes,” said Twitter user @LilJake4354311 in a string of tweets. “He’s always been way ahead of the curve. People are roasting him now, but in six months those same people will be wearing Confederate flag shirts, shoes, and have a sticker of Calvin pissing on the American flag.”

A representative from the Southern Poverty Law Center admits they have an entire division dedicated to the rapper/fashion designer.

“Whenever he steps outside we have a team ready to point out all the hate speech he is displaying. Whether it’s a MAGA hat, a ‘White Lives Matter’ shirt, or if he’s goose-stepping around Los Angeles in a replica Nazi uniform,” said legal analyst Devon Miller. “It’s exhausting trying to keep up with him, but no matter what he does people still support him. If he starts a ‘Heil Hitler’ chant at his next concert there will be thousands of so-called progressives chanting it right along with him and calling him a misunderstood genius.”

At press time, West announced a new collaboration with Stormfront which will only be sold on message boards on the dark web.

Slash Rips Shredding Solo Wearing Top Hat President Lincoln Was Shot In

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WASHINGTON — The Smithsonian Institute presented guitar icon Slash with the rare opportunity of performing while wearing the exact top hat Abraham Lincoln had on the night he was assassinated, multiple outraged sources report.

“It’s a wicked honor to be able to wear such an iconic top hat, history was made in this hat not once, but twice,” Slash said while adjusting his poofy hair under the historic cap. “I feel like I’m honoring one of the greatest American presidents with a 12-minute solo and everything is made better because the hat is aesthetically pleasing as well. They told me it’s a good thing I quit smoking too because they didn’t want any extra holes burnt into it. I just felt like I was channeling Honest Abe the entire time I was rocking, though I had a weird urge to look over my shoulder the entire time I was wearing it.”

Gail Stenson was present front row and center for the historic performance and felt a little uneasy about the decision to let the guitar god wear the assassinated president’s hat.

“I was given free Guns N’ Roses tickets and was a bit reluctant to go in the first place,” Stenson stated. “When they announced Slash was wearing the same hat Lincoln was killed in, I felt even more uncomfortable than I was prior. I mean sure, they’re both recognized for wearing tall hats, but come on, a man was killed in that hat, but after seeing the thing in person I sort of get why he was shot. If you were sitting behind him at Ford’s Theater that night you wouldn’t have been able to see shit. At the end of the day, I just wish they gave it to someone with a better reputation than Slash, like Jamiroquai or something.”

Curator at the Smithsonian Institute Roger Fellows gives a little insight into the history of musicians using presidential artifacts during certain performances.

“It seems like many individuals are making a fuss about the Lincoln/Slash performance, but little do people know, this sort of thing happens quite often,” Fellows said while stepping down from a tall bookshelf. “Very few people are aware that prior to Bruce Springsteen’s DWI, he had been drinking bourbon straight from president Grant’s personal flask. Also, nobody knows that those are Eleanor Roosevelt’s prized handkerchiefs hanging off Steven Tyler’s mic stand. The artifacts in the Smithsonian are fair game to anyone with enough money to pay for them.”

At press time, it was said that Axl Rose had to cancel a show the next day after reportedly being stuck inside president Taft’s bathtub again.

/**/

New ‘50s-Themed Diner Reveals Town’s Shocking Rockabilly Presence

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

IRVINE, Calif. — Susy Q’s, a new ‘50s-themed diner, opened its doors recently, revealing a shocking rockabilly presence within the city to the crowd attending the opening party, confirmed stunned and confused witnesses.

“I legitimately had no idea we even had rockabillies here,” said local Ashley Rohler after attempting to summon several crinoline-clad diners for a menu. “So none of these Guys and Dolls extras work here? Where have they been hiding? I just kind of assumed all these weirdos were like, hired for the opening party and in costume. Everybody be quiet, I want to see if they’re using Transatlantic accents.”

For diner owner Bruce Davis, the swing-happy turnout was everything he’d dreamed of.

“See, I’m what you’d call a pinup enthusiast. I love a busty gal leaning over just about anything—B-52s, red Chevelles, freight trains—but you don’t get that around here, do ya, dollface? So I thought, ‘if I build it…,’ and now look at them all,” said Davis, gesturing to the women in polka-dot dresses lined up at the malt counter. “I’m just happy to provide a soda fountain where this city’s long-dormant rockabilly community can feel comfortable—or as comfortable as they can be in rayon brassieres and wool trousers.”

Not everyone was as thrilled to find that the subculture was making its way to the forefront.

“Obviously we’re concerned and taking proactive measures to prevent the spread of more rockabillies,” said mayor Farrah Khan, noting she’d look into adding a question about it on the census. “This is why I’ve vetoed every classic car show permit that’s ever crossed my desk. Prevention is the best policy. Now that they’re out and about, they’re gonna want burlesque joints and drive-ins and tiki bars—one jukebox and the whole town’s gone to shit.”

At press time, the rockabillies had taken to the streets intending to race their hot rods, but after 20 minutes of arguing, it was decided the town had “no damn drag to bring your best girl out to.”

How Tho? Decrepit Old Geezer from ‘80s Movie Only 37

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Elder millennial Connor Allison suffered an existential crisis upon realizing the actor playing a “geriatric old fart” in one of his favorite ‘80s movies was only 37 during filming, sources looking into Botox confirmed.

“My date and I were chatting about a movie we both loved when we were kids. But we couldn’t remember the name of the character actor that played the creepy old guy that lives near the old mill, so I looked him up on IMDB. That’s when I saw it. He was just 37. A full seven months younger than me now,” said Allison. “I’m not sure if it’s because I was a kid then or what, but it turns out every single actor from the past that I thought of as having one foot in the grave is roughly my age now. Hell, even Mama freakin’ Fratelli was just 17 years older than me in ‘The Goonies.’ I can’t actually be old, I don’t even know how to tie a tie.”

‘80s actor Kris J. Howell offered his two cents on why actors in the past looked so much more “mature.”

“Unlike the current crop of Hollywood snowflakes, back then we didn’t have plastic surgeries, personal trainers, or even a basic understanding of the four food groups. But we did have cocaine. Just fucking mounds of it right there on every catering table. What? You think somebody sober came up with the idea of inserting David Bowie and his massive codpiece into ‘Labyrinth’?” said Howell. “Maybe eating red meat with a pack of Marlboros for dessert every meal might explain why I started getting typecast as grizzled longshoreman by the time I turned 14, but I wouldn’t trade those magical LA nights doing lines off of Rue Mcclachanan’s tits for anything.”

Self-proclaimed Hollywood insider Paris Blackwood provided her own theory on how actors stay looking young.

“One particularly ludicrous theory is that stars such as Jennifer Lopez receive infant blood transfusions administered by the Illuminati. But obviously, that’s absurd, as the Illuminati does not exist. At Least not anymore after they all got wiped out by the lizard people living inside the earth’s core,” said Blackwood. “Since then the Lizard People have been able to more efficiently provide Hollywood with baby blood. That means Sam Jackson will be making Marvel movies well into his 100s.”

At press time, Allison is having a full-blown panic attack upon learning the average age an MLB player retires.

Everyone In Mosh Pit Suddenly Doing The Dances From “A Charlie Brown Christmas”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SANTA FE, N.M. — Attendees of last night’s set by scene legends Beyond Silent were surprised to notice that, for a solid few minutes, everyone in the mosh pit was doing the dances from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” for some reason, baffled sources confirmed.

“I was looking out into the crowd during the break down of ‘Bloody Knuckles’ and I was expecting to see people killing each other, but what I saw was so confusing. It was like they planned it, but I don’t even know how they could have,” said Beyond Silent bassist Remy Valenti. “One guy had his arms straight out in front, shuffle walking in place, another girl was taking turns resting her chin on either shoulder. I swear, there were even two identical twins doing the hands-up head-bob-side-to-side one. I kid you not. I’m still trying to figure it all out.”

Members of the audience report temporary memory loss while the phenomenon was happening.

“I can only compare it to an out of body experience. I let the feeling overtake me, and suddenly I was Linus,” said gig attendee, and self-proclaimed pitboss, Myra Fynch. “A few minutes later, I was back to shoving my way to the front of the stage, but I still had a smelly blanket in my hand. I gotta tell ya, I didn’t come to the bar that night with a blanket…It might sound silly, but that blanket was bestowed upon me from some higher power.”

Long time bouncer Harris Hayworth doesn’t claim to know how it happened, but was certainly glad it did.

“I know it’s only early fall, but when I saw those kids set aside their youthful anger in favor of inadvertently imitating a holiday cartoon from 1965, I’ll admit it got me in the Christmas spirit,” said Hayworth, fighting back a wistful tear. “Call me an old softie if you must, but after that, I craved eggnog something fierce. And even though I wasn’t part of the dancing, I definitely experienced a Peanuts-related incident later that night when I passed out on top of my neighbor’s doghouse.”

At press time, Beyond Silent was reportedly making the switch to becoming a full-on jazz trio in order to capture the same energy at their shows going forward.

We Look Back on McDonald’s Failed ’90s Burger Campaign: “We Know 9/11 Is Coming”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

No one can deny that McDonald’s is one of the most successful, recognizable, and beloved businesses in American history. We can all agree that the memory of childhood comfort afforded by eating a McDouble and a Spicy Crispy Chicken sandwich back to back is well worth a day on the toilet.

However, even McDonald’s has had some high-profile, embarrassing failures, like the infamously environmentally destructive McDLT, the water, and seaweed-filled McLean Deluxe, and, of course, their notorious 1990s campaign “We Know 9/11 Is Coming.”

Everyone is familiar with how the McLobster Sandwich crashed and burned under a prohibitive $5.99 price and the fact that no sane person in the entire world wants fucking McDonald’s lobster, but not everyone remembers the “We Know 9/11 Is Coming” campaign and its flagship Mc9/11 Burger.

It’s not an accident. McDonald’s has spent millions trying to cover up the fact that they once produced and marketed a burger that desperately pleaded with the American people to pay attention to the rising issue of militant religious extremism in the Middle East, for a great low cost!

After the failure of McSpaghetti in the early 1990s, McDonald’s started doing heavy market research into what consumers wanted in a burger as part of their competition with Burger King, Wendy’s, and to a lesser extent, home-cooked food.

The McThinkTank soon exceeded its mandate, however, discovering evidence that the CIA had funded extremist Mujahideen fighters in the Soviet-Afghan War, which led to the founding of Al Qaeda by Osama Bin Laden in 1988, and that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had devised the basic idea of commercial airliner suicide missions, and that Americans were increasingly concerned with the fat and sodium levels in their food.

This led to the creation of the Mc9/11 Burger, a sandwich composed of a quarter-pound, all-beef patty, grilled onions, special sauce, and a slice of semi-Monterey Jack cheese, which was described at the time as “adequate.” Every purchase of an Mc9/11 came with one of five randomly chosen toys, all of which were miniatures of various landmarks McDonald’s suspected Al Qaeda was targeting, including the White House, the Los Angeles U.S. Bank Tower, and McDonald’s own Hamburger University.

At the time, diners were confused by the marketing slogan of “Please, Thousands Will Die” and the national commercial spot in which Ronald McDonald explained at length how US intelligence agencies were fatally refusing to share information with each other. The Mc9/11 Burger was swiftly discontinued, joining the likes of the McAfrika, Onion Nuggets, and a shared sense of safety in America!

Roommate Leaving Punk House Ceremoniously Passes Down Key For Stealing Toilet Paper From Wendy’s

Posted on by Chester Stillwater

WHEELING, W. VA — Aging punk roommate Dennis “Onion” Wilkins ritualistically bequeathed the key that allows them to steal toilet paper from Wendy’s to his roommates in a mysterious, candlelit ceremony last night, honored sources confirmed.

“This sacred key has saved this household thousands of dollars over the years. This single key is the reason we aren’t using old copies of Thrasher to clean our asses. It may look like a cheap piece of plastic, but it’s actually the most valuable possession I have, no it’s time to pass it on,” said Wilkins in a formal cloak. “I remember when it was passed down to me. In 2004 I had just moved in and it was right when Big Darryl was going to jail for beating up a bus driver. He passed the key to me and I’ve been the keeper of the key ever since. Use it well, for with great power comes great responsibility. Also, bring your backpack into the restroom.”

Residents were confused by the solemnity, but appreciative of the utility.

“There are eleven people living here, and a whole shit-ton of pit bulls,” said a resident only identified as “Mooch.” “That equates to a whole lot of shit. Cash is king, and beer is better, but this key is a pathway to years of savings. Some of my more brutish friends think you can steal toilet paper with just a screwdriver and a firm kick, but those people don’t realize that only makes the business fight back harder. This key is a golden ticket.”

Local Wendy’s manager Neil Weedmarr has suspected employees were stealing toilet paper for years.

“This is the first I’m, learning that one of our keys had made its way into the general public. I owe a lot of people apologies,” said Weedman while restocking the toilet paper for the seventh time today. “But more importantly I need to find these punks and return the key to its rightful place on the third shelf of the security closet. Once the key is returned I will be able to call up the other franchise owners in the state and start the ritual to resurrect Dave Thomas.”

Wilkins also entrusted his roommates with a small length of hose to siphon gas from cars in the neighborhood that he claims once belonged to Dee Dee Ramone.