Mighty Ducks Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About the Bond That Would Form Between My Hockey Team and the Alcoholic Forced to Coach Us for Community Service

Posted on by Dan Rice

I grew up without a father. That’s why when I found out my hockey team was going to be coached by a dude with a DUI working off his community service requirement, I was pumped. If Disney taught me one thing, drunk drivers forced to work with children make great surrogate father figures. Well, whoever wrote that movie never met Coach Anders.

First off, this motherfucker still drinks. A lot. He shows up to practice noticeably drunk, and I don’t know what he’s got in that Gatorade bottle, but it sure isn’t Gatorade because he leaves practice way drunker. Just about the only feat of athleticism he’s taught us so far is how to dodge his Honda Civic when he recklessly barrels out of the parking lot.

When we started this season we were a ragtag group of misfits who could barely skate, let alone play hockey. Under Coach Anders’ tutelage, we’ve become a ragtag group of misfits who can’t play hockey that is often yelled at. Quack?

The only thing this guy does that even comes close to Gordon Bombay is he hits on our moms. All of our moms. There isn’t a single player on the team whose mom hasn’t been asked to “discuss Tim’s skating over diner some evening” and none of us are named “Tim.”

One time Coach Anders tied us all together in a bunch with a big rope in the middle of the ice. I thought it was a team-building exercise to teach us to skate as one, but apparently, he was just hungover and needed some “goddam peace and quiet.” He fucked off to a nearby pub and just left us there for 2 hours.

I thought maybe he turned a corner last week when he halted drills and told us all to bring it in. I remember thinking “This is it, this is where Coach is gonna give us the heartfelt speech that whips us into shape and turns this once failing hockey team into a make-shift family.” He took a good long look at the lot of us and said “My community service requirement has been fulfilled, smell ya later.” No one has seen him since. Fuck Disney.

Karaoke Crowd Watches in Horror as Another Victim Falls Prey to the Forgettable Verse of Song With Catchy Chorus

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Authorities scrambled to contain the damage Tuesday night after a local bar was hammered by what patrons are calling the most horrific karaoke performance in the last century.

“I’m still processing exactly what happened. You read about it online, you see it on the news, but you never expect it to be at your front door,” said Jessica Marm,  a witness to the event who is recovering at home. “What transpired, just hours ago, is beyond comprehension. Our community comes to Skullfuck Karaoke at Happy Bubbles Sprinkle Tavern and Spirits for a space that is holy and healing. A place to pour out our hearts and bare our souls. As I watched a becloaked man approach the microphone, primp his rattail, and address the MC as ‘hoss,’ I knew we were in trouble. All we can do now is pick up the pieces and continue putting our best Rihanna renditions forward.”

Tuesday’s devastation comes as part of an embattled history for the sing-a-long art form according to Dag Riston, the bartender on duty at the time of its most recent havoc.

“Poor bastard never had a chance. I’ve seen ‘is kind before. They come an’ they go. Dead look in the eye…like they’re lookin’ right through yer. Not even drinkin’. Just watchin’ and waitin’. See this scar here? Got that right after Bat Out of Hell came out, 1977,” said Riston. “And this knee don’t work so good since the summer of ska ’98. Once gentrification took over, people act like they’ve never encountered disastrous karaoke before. Back in the day, this is all it was.”

The US Department of Weeknight Enrichment, on scene midway through the second verse, issued an urgent public statement.

“After the developments of last night, we once again urge all nationwide participants in barroom karaoke to please use good judgment in your selection and only sing songs within your range,” said USDWE Director Bryce Pupford. “A quick scan of googled lyrics before your performance is not sufficient preparation. Know your bridges, know your verses, be prudent, and please…know which songs have the n-word in them. Thank you.”

At press time, Skullfuck Karaoke was on indefinite hiatus after a patron clumsily played air guitar through an extended instrumental section of a nine-minute Iron Maiden song.

Tool Setlist Written in Wingdings

Posted on by Henrik Persson

ST. PAUL, Minn. – Longtime Tool superfan Tim Linstrom claimed the setlist he stole from the stage of their Twin Cities concert was written entirely in Wingdings, confirmed slightly confused but not-entirely-surprised sources.

“At first, I didn’t notice anything because their songs have such weird names anyway. A black cube, a weird-looking M and something that resembles an iron cross could easily be the name of a Tool song, perhaps one of their shorter, more accessible 9-minute compositions,” said Lindstrom while displaying the strangely coded setlist. “Then it hit me that I’ve seen this stuff before: on my battered Compaq 20 years ago, when I was looking for fonts that took up more space so I could fill the minimum three pages I was supposed to write for English class. You know the one I mean.”

Kyle Gannon, a roadie who worked with Tool during the “Lateralus” and “10,000 Days” era, was less enthused by the discovery.

“It may seem weird because their fans think the band are mad geniuses and they will pour over the artwork for days looking for ‘clues’ and whatnot. But honestly, most of Tool’s visual identity comes straight out of Microsoft Creative Writer and the clipart they used to ship pre-loaded in the ‘90s,” said Gannon while fixing his ponytail. “You know those pictures of champagne glasses your parents would use to make their New Year’s invitation in like 1996? If you look long enough at shit from that era, you’ll find most of the imagery from ‘Lateralus.’ I’m honestly amazed it took so long for the truth to come out.”

Gary Stahl, professor of semiotics at University of Wisconsin-Madison, confirmed that the setlist was in fact written in the classic ‘90s Microsoft Wingdings font.

“There is no mistaking those symbols. Once I was able to establish that the weird-looking 69 symbol tilted 45 degrees is in fact an ‘A,’ and the kind-of-H-looking-thing is an ‘I,’ that was the Rosetta stone. We have learned the language of their home planet,” Stahl said while excitedly examining the paper with an oversized magnifying glass. “With this new knowledge, we may be able to learn how to communicate with these alien musicians after all. I heard they can play all their songs backwards, that’s pretty cool.”

Tool addressed the faux controversy with a statement to fans that read:

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FDA Warns Against Viral “Kill Yourself Challenge”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to “unalive themselves” in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.

“Good to see you all, here we go again: I’d like to issue a warning against what is being called the ‘Kill Yourself Challenge.’ Also, while I do understand that nothing matters anymore, it is not clear to me why this is my jurisdiction and not the CDC’s,” sighed Mina Bowman, FDA spokesperson, as she waved to familiar journalists. “I feel like the title of said challenge explains why this is a bad idea. We just don’t want to see anyone get hurt fighting a tiger in a meat suit. Or butt-chugging lighter fluid on a hibachi grill. Or jumping a dirt bike into helicopter blades, even if it looks ‘rad’ in slow motion. So, America, please, just skip this one.”

Kaylie Hickman, a local teen and avid TikTok user, has been debating whether to give this a shot.

“Yeah, I’m thinking it over. On the one hand, it does sound dangerous to jam your face into a woodchipper or take 37 Tylenol then have a heavyweight boxer hit you with body shots. But on the other hand, my friends have all tried at least one of these, and they seem mostly fine,” said Hickman as she stared across the street at a roadside memorial. “Also, my Dad says we can’t trust the FDA. Or the government. And also that the lizard people are coming to take the flat earth. So if that’s true, it’s probably fine to do what all of my friends are doing, which is jumping off a bridge.”

Ira Cooper, a White House medical advisor, is fucking done.

“Oh my fucking god. Get your fucking vaccine, don’t cook with NyQuil, don’t eat horse dewormer. And Jesus fucking Christ, don’t just straight up kill yourself in increasingly bizarre ways,” said Cooper. “How the fuck is my job real? I went to medical school, specialized in infectious diseases, practiced for three decades, and I’m really fucking good at medicine. And I’m smart as shit. But all I do is beg idiots not to die for internet attention. That’s all I do! I’m gonna be the one killing myself if this keeps happening.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, everyone was too tired to tell you not to cut your thumb off, so, like, go ahead or whatever.

Coming on Too Strong? This Waitress Just Asked if I Wanted a Drink

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I guess it’s asking too much to have a nice quiet meal with my family at this restaurant without being hit on every second. Why can’t this waitress, who’s totally my type, just do her damn job without trying to get into my pants? Lady, you’re coming on way too strong and, no, you can’t buy me a drink. But, yes, we would like to hear tonight’s specials.

Maybe it’s my fault for being an irresistible alpha who’s deep into crypto, but it’s stuff like this that gets me in the doghouse with my wife. She’s always accusing me of flirting and cheating on her with dozens of women over the years, causing her to “have trust issues” and wonder if “marrying me was the single worst decision of her life.” So I’m glad she’s here to see for herself how chicks are always trying to set me up with their incessant sexual advances.

Wow, now the server wants to know how I’d like my steak. That’s a bit personal and quite frankly crossing the line. She might as well just come out and ask me how big my penis is because it’s obvious that’s what she really wants to know.

I gotta get give this hot-to-trot seductress something to get her off my back. For the sake of my family maybe I’ll just show her a dick pic on my phone. If that doesn’t work I’m definitely going to have a word with that female manager over there, who’s also pretty hot.

To be honest I’ve lost my appetite. I’m just going to avoid eye contact, pay, and go home. But of course, now she’s drawn a cute little happy face on the bill which is a clear sign she intends to stalk me for as long as it takes to get me into bed. But if that’s what it takes to end this nightmare, I better just nut up and show my kids what a real man does for his family.

Review: Circa Survive “Two Dreams”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Circa Survive are back with their double EP “Two Dreams” and we’re here to break it down for you whether you like it or not.

This new Circa Survive release is simply tremendous. From songs like “Imposter Syndrome” to “Electric Moose,” they really know how to play instruments and string together words. As you may know already, this thing is actually marketed as two EPs packaged as one whole release. Very sneaky, Circa.

While we’re at it we might as well note that this is also technically 15 separate singles all cemented on one offering. It all depends on how you look at it.

But it doesn’t stop there. It’s also approximately 45 verses and 15 choruses pressed on vinyl. Or if you really want to get pedantic, it’s 124 riffs, 3,450 words, and six total baselines compiled onto one digital download code, assuming it comes with one of those.

It’s also worth noting that this is 15 pre-choruses, 12 bridges, and another 11 outros together in one collection of music. And for all those who don’t mind spoilers, it’s exactly 352 G sharps, 426 A flats, 566 C sharps, and 201 A minors together at last on a single release.

We’d also be irresponsible if we didn’t mention that this album is essentially an amalgam of thousands of musical influences all wrapped into one band.

Not to mention, this entire piece of art is the result of 4.5 billion years of planetary evolution. After all, if it weren’t for Earth there would be no Circa Survive. And if there was no Circa Survive, this in-depth review would never have unfolded.

Long story short, there’s a whole lot going on in Circa Survive’s latest release and it’s far beyond what you might think, hear, or see with the naked eye. This release is just that good.

Score: 2 out of 2 EPs

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Tegan and Sara Show Sabotaged Again by WaTegan and SaraLuigi

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TORONTO — A recent Tegan and Sara show was allegedly sabotaged by their mischievous doppelgangers WaTegan and SaraLuigi, event coordinators reported.

“They think they’re so cool with their pop hooks and LGBTQ+ icon status, while my sister and I get punished for being straight sousaphone players. And now they also get a TV show when we went to the same high school too! It’s only natural that we fuck with them over and over,” said evil twin WaTegan. “Our plan has been to follow their tour and mess with every aspect of the show, like improving their posters with mustaches, locking roadies in cases, and programming every keyboard to only play the Marimba presets. I’m-a WaTegan and I’m-a gonna win! Wahaha!”

Tegan and Sara have been attempting to stave off their prankster adversaries for years without any luck.

“I always thought we were just having run-of-the-mill, Spinal Tap-esque touring mishaps because you know, that’s show business. But it was when we were touring for The Con we realized those dickriding copycats from senior year were fucking with us. Like the time in Philly we were playing the Electric Factory, and they were out front telling people the show was moved to an abandoned warehouse,” said Sara Quin. “They crossed the line at the last gig though, they set up a fake meet and greet and straight up berated our fans for 20 minutes before robbing them. Like, get a fucking life!”

Veteran showrunner Anne Jaeger has developed contingency plans for bands dealing with passionately dedicated troublemakers.

“Fans and trolls are always trying to sneak into shows for a thrill. These interlopers are pretty damn crafty, I mean they look like the real twins but with mustaches. We all thought Tegan and Sara were doing a bit until we heard them laugh like maniacs in a supply closet,” said Jaeger. “This is why we make sure we have our eye on the real talent at all times. I learned my lesson the hard way after the Shadow Ted Leo incident. It took us hours to powerwash all his graffiti off the rafters.”

Midway through the show, WaTegan and SaraLuigi burst onto the stage and challenged their rivals to final, winner-take-all matches of tennis, golf, and go-karts.

Opinion: Ska Is Still the Best Music Genre To Be Chased by Mall Security While Rollerblading

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Ska music seems to be the proverbial “whipping boy” of the counterculture music scene, but there is one vibe that ska is absolutely the best at capturing. Say what you will about the cheesy horns and even cheesier lyrics, ska provides the perfect soundtrack to when you’re in a race for your life with a rent-a-cop through a crowded shopping mall.

Don’t believe us? Just picture it. You and a couple friends are already in a fierce race with a rival rollerblading gang—who also love ska—and some bozo mall cop tries to step in and put a halt to all the zaniness. Not on your watch. And once those trumpets and upstrokes hit, you know that security guard will end up splashing around in the mall fountain while you blade away.

I guess you could outrun the mall Gestapo while playing punk or heavy metal, but to me, it just wouldn’t be the same. There’s no fun being chased to a song like “City Baby Attacked by Rats” or “Number of the Beast.” Where are the walking basslines? Where are the trombones? You need this happily bombastic, musical silly-string of a genre to successfully maintain innocence while also defying the law of the land.

So next time you or someone you know happens to be stuck in a situation where they are rollerblading in a mall that people still actually go to and a shithead mall cop tries to put a damper on your fun, just remember that the only proper way to escape the wrath of the bloated, tyrannical pseudo-gumshoe is to do it in style. The checkered, odd, geeky-yet-fun oriented style that comes with ska music.

We Caught up With the Forgotten Fifth Bar in Black Flag’s Logo

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

The Black Flag logo is one of punk’s most iconic images. It’s four simple bars that any drunk punk could quickly spray paint on a cop car. But behind those bars is a secret that not many people know. The original Black Flag logo featured five bars, not four.

After years of loose ends, sleepless nights, and ruined marriages, we finally tracked down the fifth bar. To protect its anonymity, let’s call it “Ricky.”

The Black Flag logo was created by Raymond Pettibone, a prolific graphic artist and brother of guitar player Greg Ginn. “Ricky” had collaborated with him on previous art installations, mostly as parts of letters with long straight pieces. Pettibone hired Ricky for the new logo, apparently, Ricky was never on board with the band’s iconography.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. You’re not an easy bar to track down.
Ricky: No problem. No problem. It’s about time I tell my story.

Okay, so what exactly happened with you and the rest of the logo?
Back then you to be fucking hardcore to hang out with the ‘Flag, you know? I wasn’t about any of that weak shit, unlike bars two and four.

Was is that simple? Just a difference in lifestyle?
Hell yeah, brother. Lifestyle is everything in hardcore. What’d you think it was about, the music?Posers.

So what have you been doing since the split?
Same thing as always. Living real. I ain’t no theater kid who wants to jump around a stage playing rockstar. I’m real art.

Do you ever speak to any of the bars anymore?
I saw bar three a few years back. He’s in bad shape since they replaced him with some generic vector. Fuckin’ scab.

Thanks again for the time. Any plans for the future?
Hell yeah. Word has it that Bad Religion is looking to hire a new cross part of their logo, so you might not have seen the last of old Ricky after all!

Punk Clairvoyant Sees No Future

Posted on by Chris Bowen

RICHMOND, Va. — Local clairvoyant Brian Tilton allegedly possesses the ability to perceive one’s destiny but ultimately turns up seeing no future at all, multiple curious sources report.

“It seems as if every time I try to gaze into the future, I see none whatsoever because all evidence shows we are a damned species on a dying planet,” Tilton said before reiterating that he prefers to go by his professional name of Punk Rock Edgar Cayce. “As I peer into the vomit-filled toilet bowl of mystery, all of what I see is dire and bleak. It could be the fact that the current world climate is nothing but a cesspool of melancholy and despair that makes the future seem so shitty, or maybe it’s because I’m drunk right now and seeing doubles of everything and the room won’t stop spinning. Either way, I’ve been given this gift, and I aim to use it for the good of mankind.”

Rachel Reynolds sought out the services of Tilton in order to get some mystical insight into her future endeavors.

“I was at one of those psychic fairs at the Holiday Inn and that’s where I met Brian,” Reynolds explained. “I was feeling pretty good about my new job, new place, and new relationship, but that dude really made short work of that. Basically made me feel like shit about everything. He just kept singing ‘no future for you’ from that one Sex Pistols song over and over. I’m beginning to think he’s not a clairvoyant at all. I mean, I paid him 70 bucks for that bullshit! Thanks, douche.”

Local expert on prophets and seers John Rourke revealed that clairvoyants are often not who they make themselves out to be.

“Many alleged soothsayers of past and present haven’t actually predicted anything,” Rourke said in a clearly fake European accent. “A so-called seer by the name of Baba Venom claimed to be the world’s first heavy metal clairvoyant, but mostly just told you if you are or are going to be a poser based on what you were wearing at the time. Also, a clairvoyant who was really into ska was said to have foreseen the Less Than Jake song from that ‘Good Burger’ movie, but only made the prediction years after it came out. Last I checked, you can’t predict the past.”

At the time of press, Tilton was seen making the wildly accurate prediction that the girl you like won’t make it to your show.

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