We Tried Interviewing Herschel Walker and He Offered To Give Us $450 for an Abortion Unprompted

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Former NFL player and University of Georgia football darling Herschel Walker is currently running to be a United States senator representing the state of Georgia. We sat down with him to ask some questions about his campaign when he unexpectedly offered us $450 for an abortion.

Hard Times: Thanks for meeting with us today Herschel.
Herschel: OK how would you like me to transfer you the money? Cash, check, or do you have Zelle or something?

What are you talking about?
Don’t play dumb with me. Being dumb is my thing. Now you said $450 is what you need, correct? Because that’s less than I paid last time.

$450 for what?
I’ve already got six unacknowledged kids running around, I don’t need a 7th.

Wait a minute, six? Up to this point, we had only heard about the four secret children. You’re telling me there’s more?
Well, there certainly won’t be so long as you get the abortion and keep quiet. I’ll give you an extra $450 to stay quiet.

Umm Herschel, I don’t know who you think I am, but I never had sex with you and I am not pregnant. I’m a reporter from The Hard Times. Also, I’m a man?
Yeah yeah, times are hard whatever. They’re going to be a lot harder for you if you do anything to sink my senate campaign.

Okay you sound like a very dangerous individual but I have to ask, didn’t you say that abortion is murder and anyone who gets one is a murderer?
I say lots of things all the time. I’ve lived a long life and I’ve done lots of things. I was an FBI agent, I went to the moon in 1971, I graduated valedictorian from UG, I’m responsible for the dinosaurs dying, and I traveled around the world in 80 days in a hot air balloon. And that’s why you should vote for me for senate.

Herschel, do you have any idea where you are right now?
Yeah, I’ll take the combo meal with a side of onion rings.

Oh wow.
Sorry, I think my CTE is acting up.

And that’s the most coherent thing you’ve said all day. We’re going to leave before you say anything else that’s scary.
I’m going to be a senator.

*sigh* You really might be.

Help! I Wanna Be Murdered by Sex Demons but This Puzzle Box Is Like, Really Hard

Posted on by Dan Rice

Ever since I discovered BDSM Tumblr as a youth, I have dreamt of dying at the hands of horned-up sadistic hellspawn. I dedicated my life to arcane studies, entrenched myself in the deepest darkest corners of the antiques black market and now, at long last, the Lament Configuration is in my hands. There’s just one problem — I have no fucking idea how this thing works.

Seriously there are no instructions with this thing, no apparent starting point, and really no clear objective of any kind! I’ve just been on my knees in a circle of candles touching it a whole bunch like I know what the hell I’m doing but I totally don’t.

I would like to embark on a fatal odyssey of the flesh in which pain and pleasure become one. I don’t see why I need to be good at Rubix cube/escape room bullshit to do it.

The ambiguously middle eastern street merchant I procured the box from was no help at all. The second I turned around to ask “hey how do you open this doo-hickey anyway?’ he and his tent of wares had vanished into thin air. Nice customer service, asshole.

If I press down on the big circle it clicks into place, and if I press it again it comes back up. That’s as far as I’ve got.

I don’t mean to question my lords and masters the Cenobites, but like what is the logic here? “Oh hey, before we start fuck/murdering you with hook chains and such, you’re good at puzzles, right?” Who the fuck cares, just torment me already! I am bored with every conceivable earthly pleasure, just take me on a voyage of suffering please, and thank you!

Please, if anyone has any tips or tricks for solving the Lament Configuration and exposing me to horrors and pain previously unimaginable, get at my dms, but only if you’re going to be helpful. Yes, I am a “noob,” I admit that freely. Yes, I’m “cheating.” I don’t care. I just want to open the box so that they can come. And so that I can come too if you get my drift.

Local Corn Maze Causes Record 57 Breakups in One Season

Posted on by Zach Hudson

COLD SPRING, N.Y. — The local corn maze at Humble Seeds Orchard reportedly caused a record 57 relationships to end in a single season, sources who never wanted to see each other again reported.

“Mark is such a fucking asshole,” said Hayley Hart after a recent breakup at the maze. “Today was a perfect example of how he never listens to me and has to be in control of everything. And then he blames me when we get stuck in a corn corner. I’m so done, I just wanted to have a cute fall day but as usual he has to ruin everything. The guy couldn’t even solve a single one of the cornundrums littered throughout the maze, and most of them were so easy. Now I have to ride the train all the way back to the city with him and it’s going to be so awkward.”

Humble Seeds Orchard proprietor Bill Bakeman started to grow concerned with the reputation the corn maze was bringing to his farm.

“Look, this is supposed to be fun time for everyone,” said Bakeman. “My family has been running this orchard for generations, and I’ll be damned if our legacy turns into a place where relationships go to die. I’ve got families with young kids coming by the dozens every weekend. I can’t have these couples who clearly are no good for each other swearing, crying, and Googling divorce lawyers in the middle of the maze. It’s bad for business, heartbroken people don’t buy pumpkins and they certainly don’t buy my famous apple cider.”

Relationship expert Julie Stout had little sympathy for all of the ex-couples leaving the corn maze in complete silence.

“There are plenty of other basic autumn activities couples can do together, although if you’re worried a simple corn maze could put your relationship to the test, maybe that’s a sign it’s time to break up,” said Stout. “I did the maze, it’s not that hard, so if you and your partner can’t work together to get through it you’re clearly not compatible. That’s why I did the maze alone just to be on the safe side. I get that everyone wants a partner to do fall things with and we’re approaching cuffing season, but I promise you’d probably have more fun doing these things alone or with a group of friends instead of your significant other.”

At press time, Humble Seeds Orchard had no choice but to deal with a young woman who seated herself in the middle of the corn maze and refused to move until her now ex-boyfriend apologized.

“Uhhh Yeah Me Too, Totally, Love the Stuff,” says Visibly Sweaty Doctor After Confirming You’re Sexually Active

Posted on by Zach Raffio

GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Local doctor Harvin Smill found himself visibly sweaty this morning responding with a mumbled sequence of “uhhh yeah me too, totally, love the stuff” right after confirming his patient is sexually active, uncomfortable sources confirmed.

“I really don’t know what came over me. I was going through my normal checklist, and when I asked if the patient was sexually active I got a little flustered,” said Dr. Smill. “I could tell from just looking at him that this guy definitely gets laid, and I guess I felt a little pressure to let him know that I too love sex. Everything about it. In fact, I’ve had sex at least twice today. Just try to stop me from having sex, you can’t. It would be like telling the sun not to shine, that is how much I do it. And and and I’m really good at it, I should mention that as well, not only do I have a lot of sex, but I’m also quite the lover.”

The patient, Henry Pomen, easily saw through the doctor’s charade.

“I came in because I think I sprained my ankle and I just wanted the thing checked out and wrapped. But within minutes he was stammering and saying things like ‘You’re a sex pro, I’m a sex pro, everyone’s all good sex-wise,’” said Pomen. “I really have no idea why it even came up, but he told me things like ‘90% of the female vagina nerve endings are in one area’ and ‘condoms are available to purchase at pharmacies.’ He eventually told me he couldn’t wrap my ankle cause he had ‘orgasm hands.’ Pretty sure he made that one up.”

Smill’s colleague Dr. Olivia Harris admits she is sick of answering his sex-related inquiries.

“Every time a patient has a sex question, he sneaks over to ask me what he should say. For a guy that claims to get laid every night of the week he seems to be pretty in the dark about most things sex-related,” noted Dr. Harris, circling the lips on a human diagram for Smill to reference in the future. “One time a patient mentioned STIs and Dr. Smill just keep gagging and saying ‘fucking gross.’ I thought he was gonna resign.”

At press time, Dr. Smill was preparing for a three-week vacation visiting his “very horny” girlfriend in Canada, but claimed “you wouldn’t know her,” and her exact location is slipping his mind.

White Suburban Stoner With Rich Parents Completely Unaware People Could Be Arrested for Marijuana Possession

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

DUXBURY, Mass. — Local affluent teen Cody Milligan was confused by President Biden’s recent pardon of people arrested for Marijuana possession since he never knew it was illegal in the first place, confirmed dozens of local white teens who were just as confused.

“I don’t understand who these people are getting arrested for having weed. My friends and I blaze all the time and the worst thing that happened to us is when Officer O’Malley said he might tell my dad,” said Milligan. “It just seems weird that people would be arrested for something that literally everyone I know does on a daily basis. My buddy Skyler was selling a bunch of pills and when the cops caught him they just laughed and confiscated everything. It would have been weird if they arrested him since his dad is the chief of police.”

Cannabis decriminalization advocates were quick to acknowledge that punishment is not equally spread out across racial lines.

“Of course little rich white kids don’t have to worry about going to prison for simple possession. The only time someone like them goes to jail is if they rip off other rich white kids. They can hoard drugs and assault women all they want and the worst thing that happens is they get probation and maybe have to switch to a different Ivy League school,” said local attorney Thomas Stringer. “Meanwhile there are entire neighborhoods in the city where kids as young as 15 were being locked up for 25 years just for having a single joint on them. Just guess what the difference between the kids is, go ahead guess.”

President Biden made a brief statement shortly after the pardon.

“Listen up Jack, puffing on a little weed isn’t a crime. Hell, I smoke a big ass spliff before bed each night because it’s the only way I can sleep. Everyone needs to just chill out for a second, man,” said Biden while pulling up a “Pickle Rick” meme compilation on Youtube. “I’d like to personally invite everyone I pardoned to a little get together in the Rose Garden. Bring a drum or some bongos and we will have a rockin’ good time feeling the good vibes.”

Following President Biden’s announcement, former President Clinton lobbied the White House to endorse a firm “Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’” policy regarding adultery.

Local Man Blows Two Drink Minimum Out of Fucking Water

Posted on by Doug Kolic

DALLAS – Local man Shane Whitlock recently blew the two-drink minimum at a small, laid-back music venue clear out of the fucking water, according to secondhand-embarrassed witnesses.

“I should be hailed as a hero, not a villain,” shouted a shit-faced Whitlock while fleeing the scene. “I’m a huge supporter of local music so I know how venues like The Hideaway Lounge rely on customers purchasing alcohol in order to pay for all their business shit. But instead of thanking me, they 86’d my ass just because I had a few extra drinks, got belligerent, attacked the bassist, lit a few fires in the bathroom, and blah blah blah. If they don’t want courteous clients like me helping them reach their financial goals, maybe they shouldn’t have a policy which is clearly daring me to drink like someone’s got a gun to my fucking head.”

Whitlock’s last remaining friend, Corbin Bush, explained how his pal has a history of getting hammered at establishments with a drink minimum.

“Don’t listen to a word he says,” stated an exasperated Bush who was attempting to locate his plastered friend. “He likes to pretend that he’s guzzling beer and doing tequila shots to help them keep the lights on, but I can confirm he only does it to show off his drinking prowess like it’s some kind of twisted badge of honor. Nobody else will hang out with him anymore because of shit like this, and now you can add me to that list. I still don’t know why he thought urinating behind the bar was a good idea. It was not.”

Renowned hospitality expert Vanessa Burns described how “drink minimum” policies are necessary, but can attract the wrong kind of clientele.

“The cost of owning and operating venues has been increasing for years,” described Burns. “So ensuring that each customer hits a minimum alcohol purchase is necessary to help pay staff, musicians, and other overhead expenses that owners incur. But that policy can also attract people who take it as a challenge to consume as much as they can for no other reason than their out of control egos and very serious substance abuse issues. If you’re drinking to the point of pissing yourself in public, then you’ve got big problems you need to address.”

At press time, Whitlock had stumbled into a buffet restaurant, whose all-you-can-eat policy he was also planning to exploit.

Scented Candles and Polyamory Are Great, but Am I the Only One Who Joined This Coven To Eat Children?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, boil, boil, toil, and NOT SO MUCH TROUBLE apparently. Ever since I was introduced to the tale of Hansel and Gretel as a child I knew I wanted to be a hill witch. Think about it, this lady has a whole house made of delicious candy, but she just uses it to lure children so that she can cook and eat them? Children must taste pretty fucking good!

Imagine my delight to discover there was a whole coven of Wiccans (that’s PC for witch) who meet at a used book store cafe within walking distance to my house every Tuesday night! I couldn’t wait to go learn some cool spells, consort with ravens, and hopefully pick up some decent child cooking tips (marinade or dry rub?) Instead what I found was an assortment of doughy goth swingers who, while VERY nice, seemed to be into the witch life for other reasons.

I’m not trying to knock “The Coven or the Raven’s Crook” or trying to talk any shit against Lady Tabitha, head mistress of our order and crafter of fine scented candles available now on Etsy. I’m just starting to wonder if these witches are ever going to take off the kid’s gloves. Or, wait, are you supposed to wear gloves when you eat kids? I don’t even know!

It’s not that it’s been bad. I’ve made a lot of solid friends in the coven. I’ve learned a lot about crafts and mooncycles, and I’ve joined a pretty sexy polycule within the group. It’s honestly been a blast, but I’m still pretty eager to become a bride of Satan worthy of the fear and scorn of entire villages, or at least the dipshits in my apartment building.

I’m seriously starting to doubt if this group shares my core values. Last meeting Lady Tabitha was giving us an earful about the harmful effects of negative witch portrayal in the media. I chimed in with “Good point, we don’t want mortals knowing what we’re up to, that would make it very hard to eat their children” Everyone laughed, but it was like a wholesome laugh? Like it wasn’t a “tehehe I’ll get you my pretties” laugh as I expected. I don’t know.

At least I’m finally getting into The Cure.

Right Leg Pursues Solo Kick-Drum Career After Dramatic Falling Out With Rest of One-Man-Band

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

CHELSEA, Mich. — The right leg of local One Man Band “Dandy Dale’s Ragshackle Ramtime Revue” is leaving to pursue a solo kick drum career after citing irreconcilable creative differences, sources confirmed.

“We all got along great for a while there, but in the past year or so, ol’ Righty would begin snapping at some of the other members of the band. Vicious stuff,” said Dandy Dale’s lead vocalist, his own head. “The final straw was when he put right arm in the hospital, for moving the slide of my trombone too flashily…Right leg’s always been about the fundamentals, he hated the pageantry that went along with the Dandy Dale sound. So now I guess it’s time to dismember this member. It’s gonna hurt to see him go…especially if the doctor only uses the local anesthetic.”

Dale’s longtime roadie for the Ramtime Revue, Dougie Shermans, expressed relief at the lineup change, if only for his own benefit.

“To tell you the truth, I don’t quite know why Dale’s really ever needed a roadie for this outfit…and I mean outfit in the sense that he wears most of the instruments in a wacky suit contraption,” said a hushed Shermans. “I’m happy to see Right leg branch out. It is incredibly talented but also a bit volatile. On more than one occasion my rear end got a swift kick from Rightie because its kick drum was really the only thing I ever had to load in and out. But with it hitting the bricks, I’m on easy street from now on. My spine oughta remember to send a thank you note to his leg.”

Foremost Michigan surgeon Dr. Henrietta French explains why she’s elected to help the leg embark on the upcoming solo journey.

“As long as all parties are in agreement, this amputation should indeed provide Mr. Dale, all his remaining body parts, and his departing right leg, with creative peace,” said Dr. French. “This surgery is not cosmetic, it’s merely artistic. Plus, most band breakups are typically covered by even the cheapest health insurance options. Not many people know that. The Beatles could have really cleaned up if they had the foresight to fall off that rooftop while calling it quits.”

When asked if it had any final sentiments for its old band members, the departing leg simply raised a solemn middle toe.

Opinion: That Jump Rope Rhyme About Me May Be Factual, But It’s Still Hurtful

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Listen, I know it’s all in good fun and I should be a good sport about this, but I would like this assembled Parent Teacher Association to come together and ask all those damn children to stop using me as source material. That jump rope rhyme they are incessantly chanting may be factual and only reflect the truth, but it is still hurtful.

And yes, I can appreciate that it is quite clever, especially considering that it was written by children. That’s not the point.

The point is that when I have to hear children rhyming “Turn around, touch the ground/ that guy just gained thirty pounds/ because of his divorce, of course/ he also looks like a horse” on seemingly every corner in this town, it is very unpleasant and very rude.

My facial resemblance to any kind of animal is my own business, certainly not that of jump-roping little jerks.

It’s a medical condition.

I do not deserve to hear “Double decker, double Dutch/six months since last human touch” just because I have to leave the house and we apparently live in the fucking jump-rope capital of the goddamn world.

Oh, I can’t prove the rhymes are about me. Okay so “Got his license took away, crashed into the old Subway, no more meatball sub footlongs and so we hate him with our song” is about some other guy who did that? Maybe some other guy who has apologized profusely for it, many times, to this very assembly? I don’t fucking think so!

I’m sorry for cursing. The rhymes are getting to me. None of you can understand what it is like to be ceaselessly mocked by the piping voices of children every day, the sound of feet rhythmically hitting the ground, and the terrible sound of jumping ropes. None of you!

You all think your precious children are harmless with their little games and taunting, accurate rhymes of “skipping feet, skipping feet/ that guy’s dad was a deadbeat,” meanwhile I’m crying in the men’s room at work remembering how Dad never even came to my baseball games.

Oh, sure, I’m a monster for trudging on their wellspring of creativity, especially one that’s generated lines as memorable as “halitosis is atrocious halitosis is ferocious/ but that’s nothing compared to that guy’s breath, Jesus, get that man some gum!” That one doesn’t even rhyme!

It’s a medical condition.

Fine, none of you will reign in your children and their savage, meticulously researched song games. I just hope none of you ever have to deal with something as painful and cutting as I do.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go plead my case to that caricature artist who makes everyone look like me, no matter what.

Punk’s Family Going to Wait For A Few More People to Show Up Before Starting Funeral

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BALTIMORE — Relatives of recently deceased punk Bryan Allen decided to postpone the beginning of his funeral until a few more mourners show up, sources close to the grieving family report.

“Mom’s a wreck over all this, and the fact that it’s only us and a few other scattered relatives isn’t helping. I guess people are probably running late or something,” the deceased’s sister Heather Allen said while scanning the graveyard dejectedly. “A few stragglers have come in and I’ve been trying to encourage them to move to the front so it doesn’t look as empty, but I think this might be it. Bryan was a pain in the ass, but he was always going to shows and posting loads of pictures of people, so I thought maybe he had more friends than this, to be honest.”

The sparse guests included mostly immediate family, a few friends, and Allen’s sixth grade teacher, one mourner reported.

“Bryan played bass for us until we kicked him out for stealing cash from the merch sales,” stated Mike Casey, a former bandmate of Allen. “I’ll be real with you, I really didn’t want to come to this because I have a massive hangover and was gonna wash my car today, but his brother texted to ask if I was coming and I couldn’t really come up with an excuse other than ‘I’ll catch the next one’ so I was stuck. His mom seems nice, though she asked if I had any happy memories of him, and the only one I could think of was the time we stole a bunch of sandwiches from Whole Foods and almost fought the security guard, which didn’t seem appropriate given the setting.”

Bob Fletcher, the funeral director who oversaw the service, stated that this kind of thing happens all the time.

“I know it’s tough for the family and all, but we’ve got a schedule to stick to here,” Fletcher said while checking his watch. “I have three other funerals lined up for this church, and if we delay this thing much longer, it’s going to screw the whole day up. I told the family that Bryan’s funeral was going to be at the time we agreed on and that was that. If people want to stroll in mid-Hail Mary, so be it. Everyone’s dead son is special to someone, but in this case–if you can’t fill the room, pick a smaller church.”

At press time, the funeral-goers were in chaos after a mourner attempted to trade drink tickets for more communion wine.