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FDA Warns Against Viral “Kill Yourself Challenge”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to “unalive themselves” in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.

“Good to see you all, here we go again: I’d like to issue a warning against what is being called the ‘Kill Yourself Challenge.’ Also, while I do understand that nothing matters anymore, it is not clear to me why this is my jurisdiction and not the CDC’s,” sighed Mina Bowman, FDA spokesperson, as she waved to familiar journalists. “I feel like the title of said challenge explains why this is a bad idea. We just don’t want to see anyone get hurt fighting a tiger in a meat suit. Or butt-chugging lighter fluid on a hibachi grill. Or jumping a dirt bike into helicopter blades, even if it looks ‘rad’ in slow motion. So, America, please, just skip this one.”

Kaylie Hickman, a local teen and avid TikTok user, has been debating whether to give this a shot.

“Yeah, I’m thinking it over. On the one hand, it does sound dangerous to jam your face into a woodchipper or take 37 Tylenol then have a heavyweight boxer hit you with body shots. But on the other hand, my friends have all tried at least one of these, and they seem mostly fine,” said Hickman as she stared across the street at a roadside memorial. “Also, my Dad says we can’t trust the FDA. Or the government. And also that the lizard people are coming to take the flat earth. So if that’s true, it’s probably fine to do what all of my friends are doing, which is jumping off a bridge.”

Ira Cooper, a White House medical advisor, is fucking done.

“Oh my fucking god. Get your fucking vaccine, don’t cook with NyQuil, don’t eat horse dewormer. And Jesus fucking Christ, don’t just straight up kill yourself in increasingly bizarre ways,” said Cooper. “How the fuck is my job real? I went to medical school, specialized in infectious diseases, practiced for three decades, and I’m really fucking good at medicine. And I’m smart as shit. But all I do is beg idiots not to die for internet attention. That’s all I do! I’m gonna be the one killing myself if this keeps happening.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, everyone was too tired to tell you not to cut your thumb off, so, like, go ahead or whatever.