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Karaoke Crowd Watches in Horror as Another Victim Falls Prey to the Forgettable Verse of Song With Catchy Chorus

SAN DIEGO — Authorities scrambled to contain the damage Tuesday night after a local bar was hammered by what patrons are calling the most horrific karaoke performance in the last century.

“I’m still processing exactly what happened. You read about it online, you see it on the news, but you never expect it to be at your front door,” said Jessica Marm,  a witness to the event who is recovering at home. “What transpired, just hours ago, is beyond comprehension. Our community comes to Skullfuck Karaoke at Happy Bubbles Sprinkle Tavern and Spirits for a space that is holy and healing. A place to pour out our hearts and bare our souls. As I watched a becloaked man approach the microphone, primp his rattail, and address the MC as ‘hoss,’ I knew we were in trouble. All we can do now is pick up the pieces and continue putting our best Rihanna renditions forward.”

Tuesday’s devastation comes as part of an embattled history for the sing-a-long art form according to Dag Riston, the bartender on duty at the time of its most recent havoc.

“Poor bastard never had a chance. I’ve seen ‘is kind before. They come an’ they go. Dead look in the eye…like they’re lookin’ right through yer. Not even drinkin’. Just watchin’ and waitin’. See this scar here? Got that right after Bat Out of Hell came out, 1977,” said Riston. “And this knee don’t work so good since the summer of ska ’98. Once gentrification took over, people act like they’ve never encountered disastrous karaoke before. Back in the day, this is all it was.”

The US Department of Weeknight Enrichment, on scene midway through the second verse, issued an urgent public statement.

“After the developments of last night, we once again urge all nationwide participants in barroom karaoke to please use good judgment in your selection and only sing songs within your range,” said USDWE Director Bryce Pupford. “A quick scan of googled lyrics before your performance is not sufficient preparation. Know your bridges, know your verses, be prudent, and please…know which songs have the n-word in them. Thank you.”

At press time, Skullfuck Karaoke was on indefinite hiatus after a patron clumsily played air guitar through an extended instrumental section of a nine-minute Iron Maiden song.