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Absolute Loser: This Lame-Wad Woman Was Never Bullied in High School

When Stephanie McKinley called me an ugly big-nosed freak in 9th grade, I knew I was destined for great things. Who knows where I would be today if I hadn’t been chased through the halls of Lincoln High by a gaggle of hot teens threatening to shove various objects up my “gay ass” day after day, year after year. Probably front row at a Dave Matthews concert chugging white Zinfandel out of a bag.

What kind of sad sack would I be without the PTSD flashbacks of guerrilla-style cyber-bullying attacks? I’ll tell you who; My coworker Melissa Sweeney. With a name like that, you’d think her classmates would’ve jumped at the chance to rebrand her as Smellissa Weenie, but think again. Traditional beauty almost always serves as a barricade to cruelty, and Melissa was no exception.

With her silky blonde hair, perfect physique, and natural charisma, she must have been an impossible target for bullies. The thought of her changing for gym class without the slightest hint of abject fear that someone was about to nickname her Bush Gardens almost makes me sad. It’s incomprehensible to think someone can go through high school without being ridiculed by their peers in a state of complete nudity. What a loser.

Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse for her, she told me she was marrying her high school sweetheart. She even showed me pictures from her bachelorette party in Cabo San Lucas, where she and all her girlfriends wore shirts that said “Sip, Sip Hooray,” and “Eat, Drink, and Be Married.” Imagine sleeping with one person who loves you unconditionally for the rest of your life. I’m barely 30 years old and I’ve already slept with twice as many people.

My apologies, but staying in contact with anyone from your high school besides your guidance counselor is a form of emotional stuntedness I cannot relate to. Even though we work the same job, receive the same benefits, and live in similar neighborhoods, I’ll bet my entire rock collection that I lead a much more fulfilling extracurricular lifestyle than she does. What makes me so sure? High school taught me that someone always loses.