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The Next Patrick Bateman? This Guy Has a Skincare Routine

There’s something off about Josh, and it isn’t his impossibly perfect skin. This guy is glowing, there’s no denying that. But behind that blemish-free face, a monster surely lurks, for there’s only one other man we can think of with a skincare routine as long as Josh’s. We’re talking of course about Patrick Bateman.

We don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but any man who puts on hydrochloric acid twice a day definitely has at least one woman’s head in his freezer.

It’s not normal man, just splash some cold water on your face at night like the rest of us. We can’t even pronounce half the shit he puts on his face throughout the week.

We keep our wives far away from this guy. Not because we’re insecure! It’s just in case our hunch that Josh is a murderer is correct and has nothing to do with how objectively attractive and charming he is.

To the average person, Josh probably appears to be a normal guy with a 9-5 job and ethereal skin. But we’re not buying it. He’s got a dark secret, perhaps multiple. One time our friend Tyler saw him in Sephora when he was out shopping with his girlfriend. Josh was there by himself, reading every ingredient on every product he picked up. You don’t have that sort of attention to detail unless you have disposed of multiple bodies.

You can’t be smart, funny, successful, and have absolutely radiant skin without having murdered at least one person in cold blood. We’ll bet anything that when he’s out “volunteering with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program” he’s actually cutting multiple people up with a chainsaw.

Josh does have a concerning amount of knowledge about power tools. Yeah, sure it came in super handy when he offered to fix our deck for free. But thinking back, he was probably just scouting it out to see if he could hide a body under there.

It’s not because we’re insecure. We’ve just seen enough movies and television to know what to look for.

To be fair he is fun to hang out with, when he isn’t running late that is. The other day he showed up to happy hour half an hour late because he forgot when we were meeting and had already applied a mask, which we think is his version of “returning some video tapes.”