Press "Enter" to skip to content

White Guy at Grocery Store Wondering Which Hot Sauce An Anti-Racist Would Buy

BOULDER, Colo. — Local white man Jacob Foley spent over twenty minutes deciding which hot sauce purchase would best reflect the fact that he opposes racism, confirmed multiple confused witnesses who just wanted to grab some Frank’s RedHot.

“I’ve been reflecting on how to be a more active participant in the struggle for racial equality,” explained Foley, who is still searching for a “progressive buyers guide” for condiments. “Before I’d just grab some Texas Pete and be on my way, but that could be seen as an endorsement of Greg Abbott’s terrible handling of migrants. I could get Stubb’s, there’s a black person right there on the label, but I don’t know anything about their ownership, and I don’t want to come off as performative. I know Sriracha is AAPI owned, but I don’t want people to think I’m fetishizing Asian culture.”

“Ultimately I just bought some raisins instead, it felt like the most culturally sensitive and authentic move for me as a white man at that moment,” he added.

Locals at the store who witnessed Foley’s indecision were mildly annoyed by his presence.

“I was waiting to get past him for about five minutes,” said local shopper Cynthia Paul “He was just standing there stroking his beard like he was in deep thought. Then he would lie down in the middle of the aisle mumbling ‘I don’t know, I just don’t know.’ When I finally nudged past him, he didn’t even say ‘excuse me,’ he just asked me how I thought Toni Morrison would feel about a hot sauce label he had been looking at.”

Cashier Kenneth Beck helped Foley finalize his purchases, and was subjected to multiple questions

“I didn’t actually see him in the aisle, but he was definitely a little strange while checking out. He saw that I’m Black and thought I’d be an expert on every single item in the store,” explained Beck, who had begun work as a cashier at that location only a few weeks prior. “He noticed that the customer behind him had a bottle of Trini Pepper Sauce, pulled me aside, and asked if I thought it would be insensitive for ‘someone like [him]’ to own a hot sauce with a label that uses that term. All I could think to say was ‘I’m sure they’d appreciate your business and wished him a good day.”

According to family members Foley has been despondent for the past 48 hours trying to come to terms with the ethics of an African Black Soap purchase he made over the weekend.