Crowd Boos After Singer Doesn’t Sound as Depressed as She Did on Studio Album

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Singer-songwriter Elaina Driver was booed last night after audience members were disappointed that she didn’t sound as sad and pathetic as she did on her studio album, deadpan sources confirmed.

“What kinda horseshit is this? I’m a huge fan of sad folk music that makes me wallow around and wear the same stained black shirt everyday. So, when Elaina announced a tour, I knew I was going to drop $75 to have an emotional breakdown in public,” said longtime fan Marisol Torres. “But then, when she came out on stage smiling, I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I don’t understand how someone can write harrowing lyrics about losing a loved one and then make jokes about ‘big chungus’ at a concert.”

After enduring the onslaught of sneers, the singer-songwriter expressed her confusion surrounding the situation.

“People pay money to see me, so I gotta make sure it’s entertaining. As much as I’d love to sit emotionless and run through my setlist without any banter, I don’t want to become the bane of every therapist’s existence,” said an exhausted Driver. “Look, I get that my songs hold a lot of emotional value to some people, but I’m in a much better place now. When I first wrote my debut album, I was sad, lonely, and depressed. And now, I’m still sad, lonely, and depressed, but at least I’m getting paid for it.”

Dr. Jon Bennes, a social psychologist and researcher at the University of North Carolina, gave his professional take on the behavior of the crowd.

“It’s a very interesting scenario. Fans are upset that Driver’s upbeat mood and heartbreaking lyrics aren’t in sync, which is a very jarring contradiction. It’s like those freaks that are overjoyed when it rains on a dull Monday at their dreadful office job,” said Dr. Bennes. “From my understanding, Driver released her debut album seven whole years ago. While one might think a person can cognitively develop, emotionally mature, and fundamentally change as a person during the span of seven years, it’s pretty uncommon.”.

At her next tour date, Driver reported feeling demoralized after being booed and delivered a gloomy performance, which subsequently garnered rave reviews.

8 Halloween Costumes That Will Make People Say “This Isn’t A Costume Party, Though”

Posted on by Max Barth

It’s that time of year again – Halloween! Are you ready to dress up like your favorite superhero, Supreme Court justice or depraved axe murderer? Remember, there’s no “I” in Halloween. It’s a holiday primarily about other people…tricking them, treating them, and above all attending their house party in costume whether they specifically asked you to avoid doing so or not. Without further ado, here are our favorite looks absolutely certain to get folks screaming and/or complaining that you didn’t read the big, bold “NO COSTUMES” bit on your invitation.

Dice Lord


This costume is guaranteed to get a reaction from jealous party goers. “Dice Lord,” they’ll say, “Hmm. I don’t think I know that one. Is it from a movie? I think you’re the only one here with a costume. Maybe you can leave the big dice in your car?” And then you can roll the big dice right in front of them on the front lawn and whoop and holler at the result. Plus, this dice fits through most front doors if angled properly.

Egg Eyes

Egg Eyes is a classic Halloween costume, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s played out. In fact, many of the rich and famous have donned the look for fêtes large and small. Elvis famously wore them to the White House in 1971. If you show up to a party rockin’ the Egg Eyes, be prepared for compliments, swooning and lots of “don’t bump into that. Where is he going? Was he even invited?”

Forgetful Person Allergic To Pumpkins

This costume is perfect for the intellectuals in your life. It’s a bit of a performance art piece, as well, so be sure to wear it to events where at least some are clever enough to “get it”. Picking the right pumpkin is important – make sure you select something you’re comfortable carrying around all night, as you’ll be so swamped with questions you’ll never have a moment to set it down safely. Keeping your mouth open is optional, but if you’re truly committed to the costume you do your best to keep it so. “But how will I explain the costume,” you may ask. Simple: you call ahead and inform the host of the bit. Ask to be put on speaker phone. They’ll likely respond with some close-minded nonsense like “this is the wrong number” or “it’s a small get together it’s not really a costume thing”. Pay it no heed. Party on, sister!

Skeleton Barista

Grande spookyccino please, hold the WORMS! Look out, this costume is NOT for the faint of heart. We recommend brewing the coffee right before you leave so that it is hot. That way, you can performatively spill it on yourself and then pretend the coffee melted your skin down to your bones and that’s why your bones are showing. We did this at a Halloween party last January 1st and were told later that guests were a.) intrigued b.) in awe and c.) seriously wondering why we thought it was a Halloween party in the first place. Pass the sugar!

Sexy Detritus

We’re on a seaweed diet. Yeah, when we see weed we smoke it and show up to your house ready to get into some chips and dip! This ensemble references both the ocean and the animal kingdom (cat eyes, anyone?), a combination sure to take any gathering to the next level. Step one: go to the craft store. Step two: ask where they throw out their trash. Step three: dumpster dive! However you look crawling out of the dumpster is your costume. Show up to the party and get ready for LOTS of pushback from folks who didn’t dare dress up AT ALL.

Phone Twins

Halloween may not be Valentine’s Day, but who says you can’t celebrate with your partner? Look out, folks, here come the Phone Twins! This minimalist look makes you and your loved one appear tech savvy AND holiday-friendly! The key is to walk around the party and ask people how many “minutes” they have left “on their plan”. We suspect this outfit has led to many a late night for party people everywhere, particularly family members who will positively lose it after hearing you and your partner corner them in the bathroom to talk about “bundling phone and television packages”. Ring ring! Who is that? It’s the phone twins!

Mime Thief

The brilliance of this getup lies in the prop frame, which when used properly lets the hosts of any shindig know that you are a force to be reckoned with. Simply position yourself near the punch bowl and freeze while holding the frame as depicted. Friends and family will barely recognize you, particularly when you retreat underneath someone’s bed until well after the party ends. Then you can pop out, yell “surprise!” and chase your excited host like a proper little goblin.

Drowned Companion

Another group costume idea from yours-truly, this “Drowned Companion” with accessory oxygen tank is a surefire way to outshine your competitors. Guests will complain that bringing the real dead body of a friend is “cheating” or “disrespectful to the human form” or “traumatizing for the children present” but rest assured, they’re just jealous. Remember – they can’t legally ask you to leave if you’re in the process of appearing to save someone’s life. It’s in the constitution. We’ve done this at multiple events and party hosts were left literally speechless!

 

Punk Birdwatcher Watching Birds You’ve Probably Never Even Heard Of

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BROOKLINE, Mass. — Local birdwatcher Gregory Luddy is reportedly so punk rock in her birding that the birds she’s into watching are ones you’ve probably never even heard of, several eye-rolling sources confirmed.

“I can’t help it if the birds I’m into watching don’t conform to the mainstream narrative. If I’m gonna put binocular to eyeball, it’s going to be for a more underground variety of bird, maybe even something invasive that upends your view of what it is to be a bird. Sue me for wanting to support the local scene,” said Luddy. “Hey, it’s cool with me if you want to look at a sparrow or a nuthatch. I’m sure they’ll enjoy the Beatles records you’re surely streaming on Spotify with you.”

Members of Brookline Birders, the birding group of which Luddy is a member, say her pretentious attitude rubs certain people the wrong way.

“Gregory usually goes off by herself, saying she’s into watching birds we probably would be freaked out by, us being normies and all, but she’s usually close enough that we can hear her scoff at our finds,” said Brookline Birder founding member Harold Michaelson. “I don’t care what she says, every bird is valid to this group, and pigeons and ducklings are classics for a reason. Who cares if everyone knows them? Sometimes I actually think she is just making up birds to make us feel bad.”

A representative of the local Audubon Society Eileen Strutts said that while birding is theoretically an activity everyone can enjoy, Luddy is wearing out her welcome in the community.

“Usually when a young person shows enthusiasm for birding, we want to nurture that interest, and help sculpt the birders of tomorrow,” said Strutts. “But Gregory birds with a negative energy that I’m surprised the local wildlife doesn’t sense and steer clear from. I’ll say it: she scares me. Sometimes Gregory bursts in, bragging about how she was into sapsuckers and warblers before everyone else was looking at them, kicking down taxidermy and putting up her fists with violence in her eyes. Call me a square if you must, but the only murder we want to see here at the Audubon Society is a group of crows.”

At press time, Luddy’s birding notebook revealed that the “underground birds” she had been referring to were rats, insects and, in one case, a cactus.

We Commune With the Ghost of Brahms To Tell Him That the Many Masterpieces of His Life Are Now Shitty Hold Music for Doctors’ Offices

Posted on by Amanda Russel

Brahms. Our sweet summer child. We have resurrected you from the grave to inform you what has become of your music. And it is with no pleasure that we must tell you they are mostly heard through the crackling sound of an office telephone. See, it takes us so long to get a hold of the doctor nowadays, they play us music like yours to keep us entertained. We are so sorry.

But that’s not even the worst part. You see, unfortunately, we have grown to despise your life’s work and associate it with one of the most tedious and hateful activities of modern adult life. Surely you didn’t imagine the fate of “Hungarian Dance No. 5” would be the tense overture of waiting to learn how much insulin your insurance will cover. The frenzied notes make for a great rhythm to pace anxiously around the house.

We regret to inform you that another of your masterpieces, “Symphony No. 1,” has played while some poor fuck is waiting to hear that the doctor has not heard from the other doctor yet, and thus they have to call the first doctor again before they can schedule an appointment to be seen in five months.

“A German Requiem” makes for good background music to a long-haul session of waiting and doing absolutely nothing while being put on a brief hold. By the fourth movement, we think maybe the receptionist forgot about us. By the fifth, we’re almost positive no one is going to pick up the phone. If we can make it through all seven movements, we have to listen from the beginning again, and surely by now it should be our turn, right? How long can a ‘higher call volume than usual’ last, realistically?

“Violin Concerto,” which you wrote and dedicated for a dear friend, is meant to be heard in a concert hall with sublime acoustics but right now we are on the seventh repeat of this small segment of it while we are being transferred from appointments to billing. Each time we have to press a number in the phone tree, there is a loud BEEP and the segment starts all over again. While we would like to tell you that the segment leaves us wanting to hear the rest of the concerto, at this point it makes us want to throw our phone, and your music, through a window to never be seen again.

Long story short, we are deeply sorry and have nothing to offer you but our sincere condolences.

Punk Venue Livens up Lull Between Bands With Audience Kiss Cam

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Local punk venue El Corazon unveiled a new kiss cam to entertain crowds during the long downtimes in between bands, sources who hoped they never get picked to be on it confirmed.

“Each smooch is displayed on our brand new 40-foot Jumbotron so even the motherfuckers in the back of the 50-person capacity venue can see,” said El Corazon owner Neil Drover. “These fans wait upwards of two hours while the next band sets up, so we decided to buy a stadium-grade camera specifically for zeroing in on audience members and forcing them to kiss each other without their prior consent. Sure, most people who get on the cam just end up pretending to look at their phone to avoid having to play along, but we make sure our camera operator stays locked on them for as long as it takes to get them to participate. We’ll even delay the next band if needed.”

Members of the audience weren’t quite sure what to make of the new between-band technology.

“I can’t believe I got chosen to be on the kiss cam while I was standing next to my little sister when they started filming,” said showgoer Craig Stonesthrow. “Honestly, I don’t know who in their right mind would want to watch total strangers kiss on a giant screen while ‘Whoomp! There It Is’ plays on the monitors. Nobody likes peer pressure. More importantly, no one likes public displays of affection. So cringe.”

Music historian Lois Charleston noticed a recent surge in venues’ attempts to energize their audiences.

“You wouldn’t believe the lengths owners go to so that their crowds have a memorable and interactive experience,” said Charleston. “We’re seeing a huge increase in venues investing in t-shirt guns to shoot merch into the audience. A few of them have even hired cheerleading squads to pump up the fans before the opening band. Some have even debuted their very own mascots. Look no further than the Madison Square Garden Gnome, who dances around and spouts gnome-based puns during the intermission of Billy Joel concerts. It’s almost like the show itself is no longer the main entertainment.”

At press time, El Corazon shut down the kiss cam after some miscreant disobeyed the rules by proposing to their girlfriend while on camera.

Your Self-worth Shouldn’t Come From a Career, It Should Come From Social Media

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Are you one of those people who derive their internal sense of worth and belonging from a career? That’s no way to go through life! You’ve been chasing that dragon for so long that you think it’s the only way to feel accomplishment. Well, put down that briefcase and pick up your phone because all of your self-esteem should be coming from social media apps.

The more you’re on social media, the more worth you’ll accrue over time. That’s why my day consists entirely of switching between social apps, hunting for more of that sweet self-worth. And it’s totally working. As soon as I reach 10,000 likes on my latest Instagram Reel I’m going to feel absolutely incredible. It’s been 12 hours since I posted it and only need 9,987 more to go.

I just feel bad for people who haven’t seen the light yet. For example, I have a friend who works as a nurse by day and helps out at a soup kitchen for free on the weekends. But she doesn’t even have Twitter. How is she supposed to get those precious dopamine hits if no one can retweet or fave her posts? Such a shame.

Then another one of my other pals started a non-profit where he arranges shelter for homeless people. Sucker. That’s not where self-worth comes from. It comes from upping your follower count on TikTok from 37 to 38 in only a matter of months.

There are also incredible downsides to getting any inch of self-worth from a career. Like, what if you get a promotion or a raise? You could easily fall into the “worth trap” and constantly seek more and more approval at work. That never happens online.

Not to mention, you can’t get that ultimate esteem-boosting blue checkmark if you live your life through the scope of a career. The only thing worse than getting self-worth from your job is getting it through family and friends. That’s why I steer clear of them.

Aging Punk Slaps Another Band Sticker on Sleep Apnea Machine

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PENFIELD, N.Y. — 46-year-old punk veteran Samuel “Murder One” Castor decided to further deck out his CPAP sleep apnea machine with the addition of another sick band sticker, several spikey-haired sources report.

“At my age, I think it’s pretty goddamn punk to get a full night’s sleep,” Castor said while watering his collection of succulents. “I’ve put on a little weight since drumming full time with my band Roadkill Ritual years ago, and my sleep apnea hinders my ability to rest soundly. But, you can still be focused on your health and well-being and remain a cool, counter-cultural badass. In fact, the new G.B.H. sticker I threw on my machine was actually being sold by the band to punks my age for this exact purpose.”

Castor’s wife Jessica talks about the couple’s sleep quality since the CPAP machine came into their lives.

“Sam’s snoring has actually gotten worse with that fucking thing,” Mrs. Castor angrily stated. “Not only is it loud and sounds like he’s in an iron lung all night, but it also weighs like 40 fucking pounds with all those stickers on it. He doesn’t clean it either. He’s always waking up coughing in the middle of the night from breathing in cobwebs and shit. Sooner or later, he will have to sleep in the basement or something.”

Dr. David Roth, a somnologist at Strong Memorial Hospital, discusses his experience with punks getting up there in age.

“It is pretty typical for individuals who live the ‘punk rock’ lifestyle for so long to develop sleep issues,” Dr. Roth explained. “All those years of breathing in smelly venue air, poor diets consisting mainly of White Castle and PBR, and sleeping basically wherever you pass out really take a toll on the body. So if it makes them feel better to put an Adverts sticker on their medical equipment, so be it.”

Several sources reported that Samuel Castor was recently seen applying cone studs to his newly acquired knee brace.

Band Retroactively Refers to Gig they Failed to Promote as “Secret Show”

Posted on by Collin Canning

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk band Glow Schtick bragged about the “secret show” they performed this past weekend, despite only calling it a secret after realizing they forget to tell people about it, skeptical sources report.

“Secret shows are kind of a hard concept for a lot of people around here to grasp. You might say we’re really ahead of the curve,” said Glow Schtick singer Brian Lance while reviewing iPhone footage of the night. “It might look as though we just spaced on flyers, social media posts, and even basic word of mouth, but this is intentional and carefully planned. If we advertised this thing then we would have most likely had to upgrade to a bigger venue, maybe even a stadium, and that’s just not punk. Gotta keep up that air of exclusivity, after all.”

Despite having booked the gig months in advance, the band says promoting it would have robbed them of the buzz from disappointed fans after realizing they missed out.

“I had no idea this show was happening, and I come to this bar constantly,” said Reggie Erb, barfly and man unaware of Glow Schtick’s existence. “Now that I know I missed a secret show, I feel like a real chump. You’d figure there’d be some sort of hint there it was coming but I gotta give these guys props, they didn’t tell a soul! I’ll be picking up their album as soon as I figure out just who the hell they were.”

Staff of Crunchy’s, the bar that hosted the show, reported lackluster attendance on the night of the event.

“Right away I noticed this place was gonna be dead all night,” said bar manager Ryan Lynne while filling the communal party mix bowl by the cash register. “I thought at first we were dealing with some avant garde act that was gonna draw a couple artsy weirdos but nope, just four on the floor, shitty punk music, and an absolutely empty bar. All we brought in that night were the six drink tickets we gave these assholes. We’re definitely going back to karaoke next week.”

At press time, Glow Schtick had just posted to their socials to “be excited” for an upcoming track they have yet to even write.

5 Habits That Make Billionaires Successful, Though Admittedly, “Having Billions of Dollars,” Is Doing a Lot of the Heavy Lifting

Posted on by Dan Rice

Billionaires; they are our superiors and our betters. Their lives are literally worth more than our lives, and they make decisions that affect our day to day with as much care as you put into deciding which undershirt to wear. But what, besides an elite team of personal trainers, doctors, and servants their wealth allows them to maintain, makes them tick?

We’ve done the research and identified 5 behaviors these gods amongst mortals have in common that could contribute to their wild success, but to be honest, they all just sort of circle back to having billions of fucking dollars.

They vacation a lot.
Avoiding burnout is crucial to being your most efficient self. The average billionaire vacations once every Wednesday-Monday and for the entire spring, avoiding the hordes of “filthy normals” who take holiday during the summer months. This allows them to rejuvenate fully and perform at their best. Not really something you can apply to your life though. Hmm, okay, let’s move on.

They wear the same thing every day.
Decisions are exhausting. That’s why billionaires avoid them like the plague. A lot of them just pick one trademark look and stick to it, some of them notoriously even wearing the exact same outfit for nearly all occasions. Then again, they’re doing that with billions of dollars behind them. If you did it, everyone would probably think you were fucking weird.

They read.
Warren Buffet used to read 600 pages a day. Many billionaires starring down the barrel of a day with no real tasks to accomplish turn to books to pass the time. And hey, you love to read! Nothing is standing in your way when it comes to reading like a billionaire. Except for your job. And your side gig. And your obligations to the people in your life. Plus the brain fog that rolls over you as a result of those things and makes you sleepy 10 minutes into tackling anything more complex than a Stephen King audiobook.

They take a shit.
This doesn’t seem impressive or noteworthy, and it isn’t, but at this point in the list I just sort of figured you could use a win. You’ve taken a shit before, right? Congratulations, you are exactly like a billionaire.

They get plenty of rest.
On a pile of money. Every week at the grocery store you walk past the bread you like because it’s too expensive and the other bread is cheaper and they sleep on money. It’s not even comfortable, it’s just to spite you.

I Don’t Know Who Needs To Hear This but You Are Brave, You Are Loved, and This Is a Robbery

Posted on by Dan Rice

People of this bank listen up, ’cause I got something to say. The state of the world is chaotic right now. We’re all facing a lot of stressors, and it’s creating a mental health crisis. In times like these, it’s easy to let the negative thoughts win. Well, I’m here to tell you, fuck that noise. I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but I want you to know that you are brave, you are loved, and this is a fucking robbery.

I wanna see each and every one of your beautiful, luminous faces kissing the fucking dirt, now. I said now!

Perfect, I knew you guys could do it. Because you can do anything.

I’ll say it again, you can do anything. Take my friend Mr. bank teller over here. He could press that button under the counter and trip the silent alarm if he wanted to, but he won’t. Instead, he’s gonna open up those drawers, put the cash in the bag and then get down on the fucking ground with the rest of you kings and queens. Why? Because he wants to go home and see his family tonight. Because he is loved. And that’s beautiful.

I want you to know that we all get scared sometimes. Maybe you get scared before an important meeting. Maybe you get scared before a date. Maybe you’re scared because I’ve got enough rounds in this clip to blow a hole in each and every one of your beautiful faces so big your mom won’t be able to identify you. Guess what? Admitting that you’re afraid doesn’t make you weak! It makes you strong.

I’m seeing a lot of strength in this room right now.

We all know what failure feels like. We all know what it’s like to have things taken from us. We all know I’m taking those wallets, phones, and any jewelry, just throw that shit in this bag. Do you know what I can’t take? Your pride. Your self-worth. Your inner light. All the shit that makes you you.

I’m tired of all the negativity. I don’t want to see anybody being hard on themselves. I don’t wanna hear anyone talking down to themselves. I don’t wanna see anyone try to be a hero and do something stupid because I swear to fuck I will end you, and I don’t want to do that because you’re awesome.

I’m gonna go continue my journey now, but before I do, I wanna hear you all say “I am strong, I am capable, and I am deserving of love.” I want you to repeat that 100 times before you even think about getting up. Because if the sirens start blaring while I’m in earshot, I might just have to hit this here remote detonator and ruin everybody’s day. Namaste.