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Chimp Handler Transitions Seamlessly Into New Job as Punk Band Manager

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Former chimpanzee handler Scott Guiles is reportedly thriving following his recent career transition to manager for the self-proclaimed “apecore” band The Gorillalalalas, sources used to dealing with unwashed packs of feral animals confirmed.

“This new opportunity has been great for me. I love music and I’m very experienced with having feces thrown at me, so managing a punk band is just a natural fit,” explained Guiles while holding a copy of “My Life with the Chimpanzees” by famous primatologist Jane Goodall. “Punks are basically just chimps with worse haircuts and personal hygiene, so knowing how to manage them is all about understanding their nature. There was some resistance to my management at first, but after I bore my teeth to establish dominance they all realized who the new alpha was.”

Members of The Gorillalalalas were delighted about their being handled by a professional now.

“Things have been going great ever since Scott started booking our gigs. He can actually negotiate a rider with venue owners without devolving into incoherent, guttural hooting noises,” said guitarist Owen “Bananas” Rutherford, who frequently dresses up head to toe as a primate during live performances. “It’s thanks to him we can actually tour again—he got the van fixed after we took all the wheels off to make tire swings, which was fun but it cost a lot of gigs. He even taught our bassist sign language. Evidently, he has a vocabulary of about 1,000 signs now, but he mostly just uses it to ask for booze.”

Career strategist Doug Lemton detailed how numerous other occupations can also lend themselves to the diverse field of punk band management.

“Overseeing bands demands a lot of different skills, and those can come from a variety of professions. Need someone to handle money? Hire a former bank teller. Or wanna make sure all the equipment packs neatly in the van? Hire the Tetris world champion,” said Lemton. “Almost any need that could arise for a band can be dealt with with the right experience, though chimp handler does feel a bit on the nose.”

At press time, Guiles was seen assisting Rutherford with cleaning the blood of a perceived rival guitarist off of his amp head.