Animal Collective Making Hangover Much Worse

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Severely hungover barista Carrie Potenza is in significantly more pain thanks to her manager’s insistence on playing Animal Collective, dehydrated sources confirmed.

“My friends convinced me to have ‘just one beer’ last night even though I worked the opening shift today. Needless to say I’m super hungover. I thought I could just guzzle some Pedialyte and barrel through until 1 p.m., but our manager Davey decided to play music that sounded like he force-fed his tabby cat salvia and let it take a nap on a Roland synthesizer,” said Potenza. “My head immediately started pounding like a drum machine. But then the singer began yelping about mildew on rice and rotten cherries, and I just about blew my partially digested dry toast all over an investment banker’s Americano.”

Coworker Ron Emmerich sympathized with Potenza’s early morning, freak-folk abetted crapulence.

“If you’ve ever been in a coffee shop before 9 a.m., there’s a 70% chance your barista is hungover and just one rude customer away from scalding a Karen and chugging a 200 tablet bottle of Ibuprofen,” said Emmerich. “But Carrie was looking really green around the gills today, and eight hours of noise pop was not conducive to a vomit-free workplace. I tried getting Davey to switch over to The Weather Station album and let Carrie wear sunglasses on the register, but he said Animal Collective was ‘good for the vibe,’ whatever that meant. Not being totally unsympathetic, he did allow her to barf out by the dumpster between breakfast sandwich orders.”

Although seemingly coincidental, a whistleblower codenamed “Not Panda Bear” claimed Animal Collective’s hangover advancing effect is not an accident.

“Of course Animal Collective isn’t real. You think any musicians would actually choose to sound like this? The whole ‘band’ was manufactured by Big Hangover to sell more Alka-Seltzer,” explained Not Panda Bear. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you guys about this. Apparently one of the members of Deerhoof tried to speak out before and some Bayer goons named ‘Fizz’ and ‘Plop’ showed up at his place and made him butt chug a whole bottle of Bankers Club vodka.”

At press time, Potenza has chosen the “nuclear” hangover cure option of stealing Kahlua from the cold storage and drinking it in the supply closet.

Review: Sex Pistols “Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols”

Posted on by John Danek

Every Sunday, we peer into The Hard Times’ vast vinyl archives to review a classic album. This week, we attempt to decipher the Sex Pistols’ game-changing debut “Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols.”

Historians debate whether or not the London quartet’s sole LP is the first punk album ever. But one thing is certain- it is written in a nearly indecipherable language called British English. Fear not! You are in luck. I studied this strange, archaic language by watching a few episodes of “The I.T. Crowd” repeatedly and thus can finally translate the record’s meaning to American audiences.

Let’s start with the title. “Bollocks” is a popular British English term for testicles, and it is wildly offensive. I apologize for typing the word in the previous sentence. “Sex” is some sort of ritualistic reproductive dance that I need to investigate further. “Pistols” is an American English loan word meaning “cute gun.” Put them all together, and what do you get? Actually, I haven’t quite cracked the code on that yet. But if you figure it out, please let me know.

The tracklist contains even more mystery. “Holidays in the Sun” conjures images of Christmas or Flag Day, but in England, the word “holiday” has a closer meaning to vacation. So it’s not about Halloween, you fucking dolt. It’s about being dragged by your parents to the beach for four days right in the middle of July. “Rubbish,” as the Brits (British people) would say.

The most infamous song from the album may be “God Save the Queen.” The titular Queen is the British rock band fronted by Freddie Mercury. The Sex Pistols could sense that they were ushering in a musical sea change with their anthems of punk rebellion, but didn’t want the public to forget their “mates” (friends) in another band. Musicologists call it “the greatest display of friendship in any art form ever.”

Lastly, the album’s cover features a stark yellow and pink design, though it is sometimes orange and green if you look at it between two and five in the morning. Yellow represents the rest of Europe, while pink symbolizes a pissed-off United Kingdom in the year 2020. The album cover accurately predicted Brexit to the exact year.

And what about the musical performances? I wouldn’t know. My record player is broken. Can I borrow yours so I can finish this review?

Score: 9.5 letter U’s in the word “colour” out of ten

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Rest of Band Seriously Considers Helping Bassist Push Van

Posted on by Max Barth

EAST LANSING, Mich. — Members of local punk band Appeal To Hell are seriously considering getting out of their tour van to help their bassist push it, according to impatient sources.

“Kev is our fourth bassist. The first two quit and the third went to barber school, so we’re excited to have him join for this tour,” said one of Appeal To Hell’s three guitarists, granted anonymity because he hasn’t come up with a cool stage name yet. “It’s not like we hired Kevin just because he has rich parents who promised to pay for the vinyl run of our EP, it’s because of his ability to play root notes on his bass fairly quickly and his tree trunk legs. This van isn’t exactly reliable and we need someone that can move this thing even up hills. As such, we are definitely really thinking about helping him push the van these last four miles to the venue. We make all decisions as a group, though, so we gotta wait for Miranda to wake up and she’s super hungover.”

Bassist Kevin Koening, pausing to drink a can of warm beer passed to him through the rear window, was unbothered by the Sisyphean task and public humiliation.

“I just want to thank the guys and hopefully Miranda for considering coming out here and helping me haul this five thousand pound van full of sound equipment, Ramen noodles, and overpriced merch,” said Koening, whose hands had gone numb from the cold. “Even though I’m new, I’ve seen how hard this band works every night playing our fifteen-minute opening set on this house show tour. If the rest of the band decides to get out of the van and push with me, that’s awesome. If they just want to get out of the van to make it significantly lighter, I’d sure appreciate that too.”

Michigan State Highway Police were eventually called to the scene.

“We got a call from multiple concerned drivers who saw a scraggly young man attempting to singlehandedly push a van down the highway. We were concerned for his safety, but more so for the safety of any singers or–God forbid– lead guitarists that may have been on board the vehicle. Live music at nontraditional, all-ages venues plays such an important role in our community. Upon arriving on scene, our officers promptly pepper-sprayed the young man and gave the rest of the band a ride to their next gig. Mr. Koening even thanked us for our service.”

As of press time, other band members were playing rock-paper-scissors to decide who would tell Koening he is going to have to call his parents for bail money.

No, Please, Immediately Tell Me About the Plethora of Bands My New Song Reminds You Of

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Another track in the bag! I worked my ass off writing and recording that stellar blend of original riffs and lyrics and I was so pumped to show it off, but you just had to immediately spout off every band that it reminded you of. Okay, you caught me, I have musical influences. Just like every other musician who wasn’t the first fucking human to start tapping a stick on a rock!

Ya know what? Those influences happen to pop up in my music because they’re my favorite styles of music. That’s how it fucking works! Are you new? Or maybe you’re just a compulsive gold-star-craving opinion dropper.

And please, tell me each band that you’re reminded of during every single riff of my song. I love hearing, “Ooh, that’s like how After The Burial builds to their breakdowns” and “Ooh, that’s like the Counterparts breakdown.” Guess what? There’s a build to every breakdown. That’s what you’re fucking breaking down!

I could’ve built it up to what you thought was a breakdown, then misdirected you with a quaint coffee house jazz riff. But that’s Between The Buried And Me’s thing and you would’ve just said, “Ooh, that’s like Between The Buried And Me.”

I just can’t win with you. Would you like me to create an entirely new genre? Even then you’d probably be like, “That’s like progressive post-hardcore with early technical deathcore influences” or some shit.

“Ooh, he expressed an emotion, better throw the word emo in there too.” That’s you.

I hate saying that it’s all been done before because innovative music comes out all the time. But those innovators have influences too. So let’s just agree that music has in fact existed before me and from now on when I’m all excited to show you my new song, please resist the urge to make me feel like a fucking plagiarist.

Interpol Completely Sold Out of Medium Three Piece Suits at Merch Table

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Famously dapper indie band Interpol were completely sold out of medium three piece suits at their merch table during a recent show, confirmed sources who guessed they’d just have to go to Men’s Warehouse instead.

“I can deal with the fact that they were all out of my size, but I almost lost my shit when they said their on-site tailor called out sick that night too,” said longtime fan Alexander Barnum, who decided to go with an $80 pair of Interpol-branded cufflinks instead. “The last suit I bought from them was back in 2004 during the ‘Antics’ tour and I wore that thing into the ground. I now mainly wear it to bed or when I’m mowing the lawn, so I absolutely need to upgrade my high-end merch attire. You just won’t catch me wearing it to one of their shows, though. Only posers wear the suit of the band they’re going to see.”

Members of the legendary group expressed remorse for their lack of inventory.

“That’s the last time we team up with Gildan to make men’s formal wear,” said Paul Banks, longtime singer of the Interpol and 30-year print edition subscriber to GQ Magazine. “I mean, we didn’t think those suits were going to sell better than our ascot ties that show our tour dates on the back of them. Anyway, we’re dreadfully sorry for the inconvenience. Luckily, we had a few extra Giorgio Armani suits laying around the tour bus that we sold just fine. Sure, they’re not the same quality, but they do the trick.”

Music critic Gabrielle Davidson noted similar instances of bands running out of popular items at the merch table.

“If your product is unique to your band, it’s going to sell considerably fast,” said Davidson. “For instance, Vampire Weekend always runs out of cardigan sweaters and matching khaki pants at shows. Morrissey’s replica pompadours get scooped up halfway through his first tour date. And the Strokes’ line of cigarettes sell out before the opening band even plays. Long story short, if you want to sell merch, make sure it’s sweet as hell. Otherwise, it’s just a shirt with your logo on it. So boring.”

At press time, Interpol had no choice but to cancel a show last-minute after the bassist discovered a mustard stain on his performance suit, and unfortunately, no dry cleaners were open.

My Band Hired the Wrong Kind of Engineer but Now Our Bridges Are Structurally Sound

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Choosing the wrong engineer for your album might ruin your music. My band, Butt Age, found that out the hard way when we hired the wrong kind of engineer to work on our new EP. Apparently, engineers can specialize in things besides music. Her focus was on bridges. Unfortunately, her lack of music production experience led to our album being unlistenable. Fortunately, the rickety footbridge behind our home studio is finally structurally sound.

We should have known something was up when our “engineer” said she was going to pick up some stuff from Home Depot. We brushed it off, assuming they had finally merged with Guitar Center. It got us even more excited because it seemed like she really knew her shit.

You might be thinking, “at least she did a public service by fixing the bridge.” Wrong! What good is a safe, structurally-sound path from our van to the studio if the music we make in there sounds like a bridge collapsing?

Engineering is ultimately a field dedicated to problem-solving, which is why we decided to cut our losses and hire someone else. But then the band had an epiphany: we can just do this shit ourselves! A few Audacity tutorials later and we had an EP on our hands.

Though this is still entirely her fault, we don’t have any hard feelings toward our former engineer. She’s still a good hang and the fact that she has no musical background whatsoever made her a perfect fit to be our new bass player.

Precinct Has Free Pizza in Break Room for Hitting Quarterly Murder Quota

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NEW YORK – The 46th precinct in the Bronx is celebrating a record-high quarterly murder quota by offering pizza, games, and an overall good time in the break room to all officers for another job well done, sources with greasy trigger fingers confirmed.

“It really makes me proud to know that our men and women in blue are doing the best they could month after month, and it only makes sense to reward them for keeping the streets safe by eliminating as many perceived threats as possible,” said Police Chief Greg Pozliski. “Letting the crew blow off some steam, eat a slice from Vinny’s, and play a couple rounds of ‘pin the drugs on the unarmed minor you just unloaded an entire magazine into’ is great for team building and at this point a quarterly tradition. Whoever guesses how many spent bullet casings are in the giant jug in the front office gets a month’s paid suspension out of it, so I’m really excited for this go around.”

Local Recruit Officer Brian Miller is glad the team is being rewarded but is frustrated because he feels like he can’t get ahead.

“Last pizza party I only had 14 raffle tickets, and wouldn’t you know if I scooped up a 15th, I would have won an 86” high definition TV,” said Miller as he thrust his hips into the pinball machine that was rented for the occasion. “It’s not fair that Dyson won the TV, but they’re going by body count alone. Anybody could pop off rounds into a sleeping homeless man, they don’t even put up a fight. But let me tell you, the timeless thrill of running after a moving target who is carrying a negligible amount of contraband is worth so much more than watching NCIS in 4K. I’ll get ‘em next time.”

Local sociologist Joyce Hamlin weighed in on how at the end of the day it’s all about keeping balance within the precinct if they want to keep their numbers up.

“On one hand, if half the precinct is complacent, they’ll kill again. Conversely, if half is angry, they’ll kill again. Finding that sweet spot where everyone is on board with pulling the trigger is imperative when it comes to hitting your quarterly murder quota,” said Hamlin. “The important thing that Chief Pozliski needs to remember is to save the itemized receipts for all of the party expenses so he can properly claim everything against taxpayer dollars.”

At press time, multiple officers were unironically singing “Killing in the Name” at the karaoke machine.

7 Times Jello Biafra’s Spoken Word Fixed Everything

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

If there’s one thing Dead Kennedy’s Frontman Jello Biafra is known for it’s his trademark blend of politics and outlandish theatrical stage presence. He’s been one of the most outspoken political punks, so it’s no wonder that more often than not the problems he talks about get fixed.

The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The Middle East has been a hotbed for strife and oppression for thousands of years. So when Jello unleashed his bitingly satirical rant “Unholy Land,” all religions and ethnicities realized the errors of their ways and agreed to make peace. However they did all agree to divert their hatred towards Mongolians, but hey it’s a step in the right direction.

Conservation of Red Faced Mandril Habitat

Jello is very concerned about the environment, so it’s no wonder it’s a frequent topic in his spoken word performances. After hearing his legendary piece “Global Burning Sensation in My Junk” the Congress of Malaysia agreed to set aside 75,000 acres of Red Faced Mandril Breeding habitat in the Ong-Chak Plateau. Then the Prime Minister was indicted on corruption charges and fled the country, resulting in a power vacuum and street violence but that’s hardly Biafra’s fault.

My Relationship with my Girlfriend

I love my long-term girlfriend but our relationship hit a rough patch. So Jello kicked in the door to our apartment and performed 12 straight hours of absurdist and biting commentary about everything from the Military Industrial Complex to the hypocrisy of the Christian Right. The traumatic experience made my girlfriend and me closer than ever. Then Jello just sort of stood there for a while. We asked if he wanted anything to eat and he said he was good, he was just waiting for his Uber.

International Supply Chain Crisis:

Since COVID began the world has been experiencing unprecedented economic shocks as global supply chains have been hit by lockdowns and disruptions. So when Jello Biafra decided to go back on tour in 2022 he also decided that he was going to put his money where his mouth was, and worked extra shifts at the Port of Shanghai, helping to unload and load boats to get the economy rolling again. He takes a lot of smoke breaks, but hey better than nothing.

Wobbly Tables at Restaurants:

At the end of the day, Punk rock isn’t about destruction it’s about building a community. After going to a Denny’s where the table was being all weird, Jello wrote and performed “Suck on This, Maga Nazi” which inspired thousands of disaffected youths to start going to their local restaurants and putting a few coasters and sugar packets under the short wobbly leg of the table to make it more stable.

My Relationship with my Girlfriend (Again):

After the first time Jello came by I thought we were in the clear. But out of the blue my buddy texted me that he’d seen my girlfriend out dancing with some guy that definitely wasn’t me. So Jello Biafra snuck into my house via an unlocked window to explain that cops serve property, not working people. Also he told me that my girlfriend got invited to a salsa dancing lesson her friend got through a Groupon and the guy she was dancing with was the instructor who is gay. Then he started explaining that patriarchy was created to serve property.

The Propagation of Online Misinformation:

One of Jello’s most trenchant pieces is “Watch Out For the Flying Atomic Penis Monster From Hell!” where he explains that the absurdity of his performance art and lyrics has gradually become real thanks to the normalization of fake news and hyper-partisan echo chambers. Inspired by this, the CEOs of Social Media companies created an AI that can decipher whether your post is true. And if it isn’t, they’ll notify your boss that you’re a liar and then tell CPS you’ve been hitting your kids. Jello thought that was too extreme, so they put him in Meta-Jail but he escaped by hiding in some dirty laundry.

Inconsiderate Band Starts Show on Time

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Attendees of a recent show by garage punk band, The Dooley’s, were reportedly infuriated that the ‘selfish pricks’ had the audacity to start the show at the scheduled time, confirmed multiple sources who wouldn’t have stopped to get food if they had known.

“At first I thought they were doing a soundcheck, but then I realized they were playing stuff off the first album,” said outraged fan Matt Taylor. “The ticket said the show was at 8 p.m., so I figured as long as I got there by 9:30 I could still get a good spot. I mean, hell I was still one of the first people to arrive and they were already halfway through their set. They had just started their encore by the time most people were rolling in. I paid good money for this show and they should have the decency to not start until at least an hour after the stated time.”

“It’s just flat-out rude,” Taylor Added.

Representatives for the band questioned the accusations and countered that they had done nothing wrong.

“We’re sorry that some people had a misunderstanding as to when the show was slated to begin, but the time was clearly stated,” said the band’s bass player and de facto manager Eli Boyle. “Given that this was a Tuesday night show and that our audience skews older, the band is making every effort to start on or as close to on time as possible so fans can get home to their kids and get a good night’s sleep since people have to work in the morning! At this time we have no intention of issuing any refunds and would ask that people please stop trying to make #cancelthedooleys trend.”

Music critics said the issue was a ‘gray area’ and noted that both sides raised valid complaints.

“Historically, punk bands haven’t been known for punctuality, so you can sympathize with the fans,” stated Rolling Stone’s Jake McKay. “Typically, when you arrive on time, you spend at least an hour listening to the same audio tracks on a loop while crushed against a bunch of meatheads who are ready to get crazy, and who wants that? I will admit I was supposed to review the last show The Dooley’s played but I pre-gamed at my apartment and showed up just in time for them to be loading their gear off the stage.”

At press time, attendees of the show were seen arguing with the staff of a neighboring burger place for closing their kitchen on time and trying to be home at a reasonable hour.

Photo by Kevin Gill

How To Avoid Getting Pink Eye at the Buckcherry Concert Again

Posted on by Dave McNamara

The weekend’s finally here and you deserve a wild night at the Missouri State Fair. You got your leather boots oiled up and the brim on your shapeable straw cowboy hat is rolled up to its finest point. A point that can mean only one thing: you’re here to fucking party.

You’re just about to take the T-tops off the ‘88 Firebird when you remember you don’t have any antibiotics left over from the last time you went to a Buckcherry show and came back with pink eye. Before you consider just going to Buffalo Wild Wings for Fireball Friday instead, here are some precautions you can take to make sure the only affliction in your eyes is the word “affliction” that’s written on literally everyone’s shirt at this show.

Avoid physical contact with dirty surfaces
It might seem like a good idea to eat random ass while kneeling in a muddy piss puddle behind the portapotties, but remember what you learned from doing that last time: the number one cause of conjunctivitis is bacteria. Primarily, bacteria from a Buckcherry fan.

Try to not let anyone else’s hands near your face
Don’t get into a fistfight with your step-brother Tony when you see your ex sitting on his shoulders in the front row. As mad as you may be, you don’t want those greasy mechanic knuckles anywhere near your tear ducts.

Don’t fall asleep in an unknown environment
You would’ve been fine last year if you didn’t blackout in the livestock pasture behind the stage. Just saying.

Avoid sharing personal items with other people
If you have to do an eye-shot with a friend, make sure you each use your own bottle of Bacardi.
Try to stay away from areas with lots of known diseases and viruses. If you somehow get VIP passes, it’s probably a good idea to stay away from the backstage area altogether.