CACTUS FLAT, Ariz. — Local pop punk bassist and overall feline enthusiast Tyler Hogarten missed his band’s entire set in order to avoid disturbing his cat that settled in on his lap mere minutes before he was about to leave, sources who were in need of a lint roller confirmed.
“What was I supposed to do? Gently shoo him off and have to deal with my leg that fell asleep because I couldn’t adjust my sitting position the entire time?” asked the longtime member of Horny Horny Hippos before throwing away the brand new cat tree he bought because his cat much preferred the box it came in. “There are just way more important things in life than playing a silly little show where you just so happen to open for My Chemical Romance and have what my band called ‘career-catapulting exposure.’ That more important thing is my guy Rocket over here on my lap inadvertently digging his claws into my thigh as he falls into a deep 12-hour nap. Besides, I’m sure there will be other once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that come my way. You just have to be ready for them when they come.”
Members of the band were simply not having any of Hogarten’s excuses.
“As a dog person, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just manhandle your pet and stuff it in a cage when you’re ready to leave the house like I do,” said lead singer Jenny Graves. “I guess that’s just the difference between cat and dog owners. Us dog people are way more responsible. I mean sure, I’ve missed several band practices myself because my Labradoodle ate a bunch of chocolate or got into my weed stash, or that one time she chewed up my entire lyric notebook which also had a few joints tucked into the pages. If only I had memorized all the words I wrote to our songs beforehand.”
Household pet expert Felicity Jasmine believed these sorts of incidents came with the territory.
“Pets have a tendency of making you either late for things or missing events entirely,” said Jasmine. “It could be worse though. You could have no pets whatsoever, in which case you’ll never have an excuse for missing that gender reveal party for that friend you hate or that wedding that your ex invited you to because they think your relationship ended on good terms. That sounds dreadful. My expert advice would be to get a pet, especially one with severe medical issues, so you always have a good excuse to get out of things.”
At press time, Hogarten was reportedly on thin ice after unintentionally missing another show due to his cat puking in his only pair of “performance shoes.”