BOSTON — Known felon and frequent assaulter Mark Wahlberg officially commemorated the opening of the newest Wahlburgers restaurant by kicking the shit out of some guy who was just standing there, horrified but not shocked sources confirmed.
“Nothing gets me ready for eatin’ quite like fightin’. Just hard fists thumping face meat, you know? The fans really love to see it, and sort of expect at least a little brawl from me. Who am I to deny the good people of Boston that?” explained Wahlberg between rapid burpee sets. “It’s the least I can do for all their support over the years and through ‘The Happening.’ Besides, that guy shouldn’t have been looking at me funny. He says he was just trying to read that bus stop ad, but my lawyers assured me I was well within my rights when I dragged him across the asphalt and shattered his pelvis.”
Wahlberg’s victim/unwitting promotional partner Lawrence Heath offered his perspective.
“This is literally the third time in a week something like this has happened. This city fucking sucks. First, Casey Affleck groped me on the T, then Conan O’Brien verbally ripped me a new asshole because I used ‘who’ when I should have said ‘whom.’ It was kind of funny at first, but then it went on way too long,” said Heath. “That said, there is something weirdly comforting knowing that any time I’m walking around Boston I could be punted by Matt Damon at any minute.”
Wahlberg’s former “Transformers” co-star Optimus Prime was also on hand for the grand opening that became a savage beating.
“As a being that regularly transforms into a vehicle, a fistfight in the parking lot really isn’t a great look for my brand. But Mark asked me to come to the opening and I’m a truck of my word,” bellowed the leader of the Autobots. “But this place is terrible, I mean, look at these menu items. ‘The Funky Brunch,’ ‘Buncharted’ and it’s not just the mains either, it’s the desserts too. ‘The Planet of The Crepes’?’ It sounds awful. Honestly, Michael Bay could have written a better menu, and that’s saying a lot.”
At press time, Wahlberg announced he is starting an intense MMA training regimen in preparation for the opening of another restaurant in Orange County, California’s Little Saigon neighborhood.