How I Got To Open for a Wildly Successful Band by Producing the Show and Paying Them To Play

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Well, my dream came true last night! After over a decade of shitty shows in shitty clubs, my band finally opened for our idols, “Ms. Chanandler Bong.” They’re the band that inspired us to play music in the first place. Plus, they draw a ton of people and will give our band some serious credibility. We’re so proud of earning this opportunity. Sure, I produced the show myself and paid them five grand to play. But it still counts!

My dad didn’t get how big of an opportunity for us when I was asking him to borrow the money, but five grand is nothing to my family so one mowed lawn and a couple loads of laundry later, my band had finally booked the show of our lives.

Sometimes you just gotta take the world by the balls and make your dreams a reality. Your band can’t get booked? Make your own show! Your band can’t draw? Pay a bigger band to do that for you! It’s incredible what you can accomplish with just a little bit of gumption and an unlimited bank account.

Last night I soaked up the fact that the whole scene saw my band sharing a stage with an actual successful band. Plus, none of them know the behind-the-scenes details. For all they know, Ms. Chanandler Bong dipped off their tour to play with us because we’re old pals or they’re fans of ours or some shit.

I was a little disappointed they left the second their set was over. I thought stocking the shit out of their green room would convince them to stay, but they just took it all to their tour bus and drove off. Maybe they’ll want us on their next tour. I’ll follow up next week.

Either way, If I can somehow make these local shows profitable, I’ll come up with a business proposal to show father. Then I can pay to open for all kinds of bands!

Review: Melvins “Gluey Porch Treatments”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from punk history. This week we listened to “Gluey Porch Treatments,” the only Melvins album ever.

Yeah we know it’s crazy, but we looked into it, and apparently, this is the only album the band ever released. It seems really strange that such a talented band with a career spanning thirty long years would choose to only put out one record but, well, there it is: “Gluey Porch Treatments.”

In a way we kind of understand it, as we are aware that the band almost never gets together to write new material or even practice their old stuff – their only old stuff. And additionally, they have a firm stance never to collaborate or record outside the band, so that really limits their ability as far as having split records or even being featured artists on a song or two.

And jeesh, they almost never go on tour. Really what’s the point with only one album’s worth of material and absolutely no plan or inclination to write or record more music for decades? It just makes sense for that the Melvins have garnered a reputation as one of the slowest and least consistent touring acts in the history of live music.

But still, in interview after interview that we poured over doing research for this review we cannot find a single reference to any other album they ever even thought about making. Like, not once. Which in a way makes “Gluey Porch Treatments” a one-of-a-kind piece of punk history.

The fact that there will never be a second Melvins record is a sad one, but at least we can all take solace in the notion that the band put out one great record and then ended things on a high note. It’s a nice thought, isn’t it.

SCORE: 1 out of 1 album – because that’s all ya need sometimes.

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OK Go Needs to Borrow Local Opener’s Rube Goldberg Machine

Posted on by Jon Wood

WENDOVER, Nev. — Power pop band OK Go demanded that the opening band of their regional tour lend them a gigantic Rube Goldberg machine for their set, according to sources who described the chain of events in whimsical, overly-complicated detail.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said OK Go frontman Damian Kulash. “Sometimes headliners need to borrow equipment from local bands, often with very precise specifications. In this case, we’re just looking for any homemade contraption that can wrap around the inside of the venue and produce a simple chain reaction incorporating a sledgehammer, 25,000 dominoes, a 1/64th scale replica of the Colosseum made entirely of red legos, and a pack of eight labrador retrievers pedaling a tandem bicycle while howling the chorus to one of our songs. Whichever is easiest, we’re not that picky.”

Local high school band Nerds with Friends is booked as the opening act and spent the weekend frantically preparing for the show.

“This is definitely the most work we’ve put into a gig, but luckily for us, I took a remedial physics class over the summer and already know how to drop an egg off a two-story building without cracking it,” said drummer Michael Kearns. “So far we’ve got the hammer doohickey part of it working and probably just need another day or two to figure out the rest. I just wish OK Go could be like the other big bands who come through town and trash our gear or hit on our teenage girlfriends.”

Elko County concert promoter Jed Beaver was not amused after receiving OK Go’s contract rider.

“I’ll admit I’m not familiar with the band, but I have to assume their fans are coming out to hear their music, not to see some novelty act put on a goofy, choreographed spectacle that you might see on early 2000s YouTube,” said Beaver. “What the hell is a Whoopi Goldberg machine anyway? I guess it could be worse — at least they didn’t ask for a $400,000 dancing hologram.”

At press time, sources report that OK Go canceled their Wendover tour stop after receiving an invitation from the town of Cawker City, Kansas, to perform inside the world’s largest ball of twine.

Help! I Took a Sip of Black Rifle Coffee and Now I Think Some People Shouldn’t Have Basic Human Rights

Posted on by Zach Hudson

As a progressive leftist, I want to start by apologizing. I am so, so sorry. Ever since accidentally taking a sip of Black Rifle Coffee’s “Thin Blue Line” roast, I no longer believe certain groups of people should have basic human rights. Help!

I don’t want to be this way but ever since sipping this stuff at my uncle’s house I can’t help but feel certain groups are a threat to me, personally.

You’re probably just as shocked as me. I used to be an outspoken leftist, after all. But my cautious optimism that we were creating a more equitable world has been vanquished by an all-encompassing sense of dread due to the fact that people who don’t look like me want basic rights. All I wanted was a morning pick me up and now the world is changing and I’m scared.

There’s a silver lining though. At least I didn’t accidentally drink the “AK-47 Espresso” or “Murdered Out” roasts. If that were the case, I’d probably be in Russia right now strapped to a surplus tank. And I don’t even want to imagine what the “Chauvin’s Select” blend would have done to me.

Man, this is some strong stuff. Sure, it’s weak in terms of caffeine content and it tastes like shit, but the more I drink it, the stronger I think I am.

I haven’t been to my apartment in weeks because it’s in the city and I’m afraid of cities now. I don’t know how I got here, but I’ve been living in a McMansion in the suburbs and I’m married to a hairstylist named Kendra. We don’t have anything in common other than wanting to have kids, so we spend our time together scrolling Facebook and watching Yellowstone.

Cute: This Session Musician Is Acting Like He’s in the Fucking Band

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Following his recording of three drum tracks for local pop-punk group Exploding Eye Sockets, drummer and session musician Jim Friedman was reportedly acting all cute, like he was in the goddamn band or some shit. The following are excerpts from our in-depth conversation with those involved.

Guitarist Rick Pinkerton: We only needed him to punch in one or two fills. After the session, we thought he would leave.

Singer, Nikky Bernhardt: I said from the very beginning we should use a drum machine. Or just do really bad beatboxing and claim it’s ironic. Unless The Needle Drop misunderstands and calls it groundbreaking, in which case we did it on purpose and we’re musical pioneers. But instead, they didn’t go with my idea and now we’re dealing with this stick-head.

Jim Friedman: The way I see it, I’ve done as much live playing on this record as anyone else in the band. I’ll even get one of those dumb haircuts and some weird shoes so I look the part in promo pics. They’re gonna be hitting me up for their next five gigs, anyway. Just let me tag along!

David Schneider, Band Researcher at University of California, Berkeley: Friedman’s behavior is becoming more common lately. Session players feel threatened by music technology that is making them obsolete. It’s perfectly normal for them to grasp onto any band that hires them, refusing to let go until being allowed to write some liner notes.

Recent reports confirm that Friedman snuck his signature onto a few Exploding Eye Sockets vinyl sleeves before being forcefully escorted out of their practice space.

Late Touring Band Texts Booker “OMW” While Still 600 Miles From Venue

Posted on by James Knapp

SPARKS, Nev. — Post-grunge band Stunch Bunch recently informed the booker for one of their West coast tour dates that they were “on the way” despite having the span of nearly two states between them and the venue, sources who clarified that they “aren’t technically lying” confirmed.

“I know this probably seems like something that could have been avoided. We’re usually so punctual for our shows every once in a while, it just so happens that we wait around an extra three hours at the venue for them to start,” explained Stunch Bunch guitarist Bredan Waye. “I swear this isn’t our fault. Shit just happens on tour, you know. Like sometimes your van breaks down or you make a 300-mile detour to see the World’s Largest Fork roadside attraction. But at least we gave the booker a heads up, even though we’ve still got the better part of Utah to drive through.”

Venue owner Tarry Carmichael was less hopeful of the band making it to the venue until sometime the next afternoon.

“I can’t believe those fuckers left me hanging like this. To believe I was actually considering paying them for this show,” stated Carmichael while pacing and muttering to himself outside the green room. “The bartender has been bugging me to do an acoustic set of Goo Goo Dolls covers for months, and if the band doesn’t get here soon I have no choice but to put him on. Unfortunately, he showed up for his job on time.”

Renee Clemens, server at the Waffle House in Boulder, Colorado, detailed how the band came to be so far behind schedule.

“Man, I fucking hate touring bands. Those assholes spent four hours taking up two booths and drinking nothing but free coffee refills without leaving a tip,” said Clemens. “And then of course they had the nerve to bitch that I was making them late when they asked for their check finally. Still can’t believe they asked me to split $8.25 four ways. Fuck, I’m just glad I was able to spit in all their drinks before they left.”

At press time, Stunch Bunch had just made it onto the interstate before realizing they still needed to stop for gas.

Punk House Ghost Not Moving Anymore Shit Until They Clean This Place Up

Posted on by Ryan Danley

BOSTON — Local ghost Beatrice Ledbetter vowed to abstain from haunting until the punk tenets living in her ancestral home deal with even the most basic of household chores, fed-up sources report.

“I’ve loved every minute of haunting this house for over a century. I’ve flicked lights on and off, stomped on the stairs, and moved furniture in the middle of the night to the horror of many residents. But since these assholes showed up, I’m done. Expecting me to step over a pile of old skateboards magazines and bags of empty beer cans to cause a few scares is beyond my ghastly payscale,” said Ledbetter. “This place is so dusty and gross that I long for the days when I was dying of consumption. I’m not even entirely sure what would scare them. I would make the walls bleed, but all the grime would make it barely noticeable.”

House resident and only person on the lease, Mark ‘Bones” Samuelson, is oblivious to the unusual events occurring inside his home.

“When the band and myself moved in, this place was super spooky. We would hear voices, things would go missing, and we always felt like we were being watched. It was sick. But then after my 17th friend moved in, it all just seemed to stop,” said Samuelson while sitting on a pile of dirty black band t-shirts. “Our drummer is dating this goth, so she brought over a Ouija board, and all that we were able to read was the words ‘broom’ and ‘start a fucking chore wheel.’ I’m not even sure what that means.”

Dr. Marie Bustamante, Professor of Supernatural Studies at Boston College, warns the modern world is becoming less hospitable to metaphysical beings.

“We can expect to see many changes with spectral interaction. In the past, a seance would be conducted by a qualified medium. Now every time a spirit is called it’s just a room full of Hot Topic coworkers. No person living or dead wants to deal with that,” said Dr. Bustamante. “Overall this may be a good thing. Perhaps those residing on the other side may finally get some rest instead of feeling compelled to haunt at all hours.”

Ledbetter was unavailable for further comment, as she was busy trying to float a can of Comet over to the toilet bowl.

Corporate Bullshit: The Vinyl Section at Target Only Had Stuff I Know and Like

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Look, I know it’s a big corporate chain, but the vinyl selection at this Target is complete bullshit. Where are all the old, weird albums no one’s touched for forty-plus years? Where are the obscure bands that are obscure for very good reason? Where is the art?! All I see is stuff I know and like!

I may be in my 30s with a career and a family and all that, but I’m still punk. Sure, I don’t have the time to drive into the city and flip through records for hours like I used to, but I still like to browse when I’m at Target picking up things for the house. And, yes, I’m grateful they even have a vinyl section. But if a Target employee doesn’t come over here in the next five seconds to judge me about what I’m looking at, I’m gonna have a full-on existential crisis.

Look at this selection. It’s nothing but bands I grew up listening to, classic albums from before my time, and some newer artists that were influenced by a lot of the alternative bands I love. Basically, it’s all stuff I’d actually pay money for. Talk about a cash grab.

This is so inauthentic. Where are the miles of obscure, terrible records that I feel stupid for not knowing and hating for the right reasons? Or liking, depending on what kind of “terrible” it is. Commercialism sucks.

The ambiance is all fucked up too. Look at this place. It’s bright and clean! Plus, there’s room to stand without constantly being in someone’s way despite the fact that there’s only ever one other customer.

I will hand it to them though, the music being played in the store is still just as obscure and unknown to me now that it’s zoomer pop. The music they played at REAL record stores was usually screeching vocals over what Pitchfork would describe as “minimalist” air ride sirens. But this zoomer shit is something I’d actually listen to so Target needs to fix that if they have any interest in having an authentic vinyl shop.

The Fuck?! My Favorite Band Changed Their Sound Without Consulting Me

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Guess who released just some goofy experimental horseshit? My ex-favorite band. And guess who they didn’t consult before changing their sound? Me. How the fuck dare they?!

This is a personal attack because being a fan is the basis of my entire personality. Who the fuck am I supposed to be after my favorite band changes its sound and starts headlining electronic music festivals? Can I still wear tight pants and zip-up hoodies that stop at the top of my belt like I have done for the last ten years?

I have their logo tattooed directly above both nipples and I’ve lost thousands of dollars on their NFTs, but I never agreed to support a new artistic direction without advanced written consent. I merely want a record that doesn’t sound like disco fucked shoegaze.

I am not interested in hearing their next album unless they ditch this electronic phase and come back looking like college professors that play barre chords and Telecasters. That’s an acceptable direction they can go in. See? I’m completely reasonable.

On second thought, even if they asked my permission to change their sound, I probably wouldn’t let them. Their singer’s original look is the whole reason I got my septum triple-pierced. Do you know how long it would take for those gaping holes to heal? How would I get a job?!

If it were up to me, these musicians would be trapped in a creative purgatory they never venture beyond. I was happier with the way things were.

As a Facebook Top Fan award recipient for 163 weeks running, I deserve to be treated as such. So if I’m such a “top fan” I deserve to be a part of the band’s decision-making going forward because clearly, I’m the only one looking out for the best interests of everyone involved.

Termite Infestation Making Acoustic Set a Real Race Against the Clock

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

CORAL GABLES, Fla — A rare acoustic set from surf-rock band Branch Manager was reportedly marred by the venue’s termite problem, causing the gradual destruction of their instruments, sources confirmed.

“Oh boy, it was a real photo finish in there, let me tell you. Those little bastards were devouring my new Martin D-28 so quickly, we had to play our songs faster and faster just to get our full setlist in,” said Branch Manager guitarist Tessa Brialto. “At one point, I had started a song with the regular guitar, but by the bridge they had shaved me down to a damn ukulele! It really fucked with our sound. No wood was safe. We’re never playing the Timbermill Pub ever again, even if they manage to rebuild it.”

A licensed exterminator was promptly called by the Timbermill management, but problems arose before any work could be done.

“Ah, jeez, I’m so sorry. I meant to spray during their set, I really did. It’s just, I’d get caught up in their sweet sensual island rhythms and suddenly I’d be out of the drywall and out on the dancefloor,” said dismayed pest control technician Wyland Thorpe. “It’s that surf sound, baby! It just sends me through the roof, y’know! But, then that’s when the stage caved in and everyone else went through the floor. Again, I really do apologize.”

The swarm of termites notes that it was not even their intention to even begin to feed that day.

“We had just finished gorging ourselves across the street at the antique furniture warehouse and were just looking for a place to blow off steam,” the large group of termites spelled out, using their vast numbered bodies. “We didn’t eat their instruments because we were hungry…we ate their instruments because we thought they really, truly sucked as a band.”

“It made us sincerely thankful we don’t, as a species, have ears,” the swarm regrouped to add. “Hopefully they got the hint and will find other ways to express themselves. We suggest whittling.”

At press time, the now instrument-less Branch Manager was still determined to go on tour, with their first stop: the opening of the local zoo’s new free-range flesh-eating fire ant exhibit.