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Help! I Can Only Afford Therapy This Month if That Podcast Offers a New Discount Code

Well, I finally found a therapist I like. They have all the qualities I need in a therapist. For instance, they don’t cringe whenever I start talking about my crypto addiction. That’s pretty much it. Anyway, now I can only pay for another virtual session if this podcast does another promotion for 20% off BetterHelp.

I’m beginning to think there might be something fundamentally wrong with healthcare in this country.

Of course, I wasn’t planning on vastly improving my mental health when I first started listening to “Gilmore Hurls,” the podcast where the hosts review every episode of “Gilmore Girls” while drunk out of their minds on jug wine. I just wanted to hear three dudes scream over each other into a busted iPhone for an hour. But after they offered that discount on virtual therapy if I used the codeword “JugBarf” at checkout, how could I keep ignoring my issues?

Yet now they’re just gonna move on and start hocking electric mattresses or whatever while I’m right on the cusp of a breakthrough about why I’m physically disgusted by masturbation. I have come to rely on those promo codes for my emotional well-being. Help!

I’ve even tried listening to other, non-alcohol or Gilmore Girls related podcasts, but all I’ve ended up with is discounts on meat subscription boxes and a membership with Amnesty International. While these have been helpful in their own ways, they have not helped me uncover the root cause of my chronic hooting every time I hear the song “My Sharona.”

So where do I go from here? Is there another way I can continue to progress on my emotional journey? I don’t know if I can handle going cold turkey on this the same way I did with my bleach addiction. Or does anyone know a therapist who is willing to work on me in exchange for twenty-five pounds of ground pork giblets? That meat subscription really does pile up fast.