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Opinion: King Diamond Would Be Much Prettier if He’d Just Paint His Face Into a Smile

Well, hello there, Kingy. Say, why so glum? What reason could a heavy metal master and servant to Satan like yourself possibly have to be such a frowny-pants all the time? Come on, lighten up, Diam-Diam! I know behind that evil, corpse paint scowl and all those devilish falsettos is a beautiful ray of sunshine just ready to burst out!

Just saying, you’d look a lot prettier if you tried painting your face into a smile more often.

Look, you’ve got the riffs. You’ve got the lyrics. You’ve got the style. If you just stopped with the silly bashfulness, fluttered those majestic devil-eyes, and drew a little less black makeup into a frowny face, you would totally see the number of participants in your Sabbath skyrocket into “Book of Revelation” proportions!

And you know what, I bet Grandma would be so proud of her beautiful Black Horseman if he’d show off that famous Diamond family smile.

I know, I know. You might be asking, “Why would a legendary heavy metal singer want to sacrifice his dark, wicked demeanor and image just to please the demon boys?” Or, “What the fuck are you going on about?” And I will tell you, both are legitimate questions. But I will choose to address only one, and that’s the darling smile of our godfather of blackened heavy metal, King Diamond.

So what do you say, King? Paint that frown upside down! I just know those bright, radiant, pearly whites beaming through that black mouth paint of yours is all you need to steal the hearts of the heavy metal community after all these years. It’s time to look like the satanic heartthrob you are.