Teen Still Waiting for Boyfriend to Return Home From Defending Pop Punk

Posted on by Ben Friedman

HOLDREDGE, Neb. — Local teen Marissa Jenson is still dutifully waiting for her much older boyfriend to return home after leaving town to defend pop punk, concerned family members have reported.

“Everyone who doubted us will see that 500 miles and an eight-year age gap can’t stop true love. My Kevin is out there still, I know it. He promised me he’d come back for me once his band made it big and he’ll take me away from this awful town. You see, he’s really good at power chords,” said 17-year-old Jenson. “It’s been six weeks since I last spoke to him, but he probably just needs his space. I know in my heart he’ll pull up in his shining 2007 Mitsubishi Eclipse with a case of Mike’s Hard and we’ll be happy forever.”

Jenson’s mother was also worried about the whereabouts of her daughter’s boyfriend, but for much different reasons.

“Watching Marissa wait by the window day after day crying her eyes out for Kevin to get back from his two-state Midwest tour breaks my heart. It breaks my heart even more that I’ll have to cave that creep’s skull in with a field hockey stick if he steps one foot onto my driveway. No surprise that a man in his mid-twenties who still sings about how much high school sucks would have such a hold on my daughter,” said Megan Jenson. “If I had to make an educated guess about what he’s up to it probably involves grooming a 16-year-old, turning her against her parents, and then maxing out her father’s credit card buying new gear. Because that’s what he did to us.”

Holdrege High School guidance counselors have attempted to intervene in Jenson’s relationship, knowing her situation is part of a much bigger issue.

“The grooming aspect of this relationship is nefarious enough. However, it’s part of a much bigger problem plaguing the dating pool of small towns like ours. Statistics have shown 40% of teenage girls in flyover states will end up seeing someone between six and ten years their senior who plays in a band named after an obscure 80’s movie. Most of these girls end up heartbroken and hooked on snorting Adderall before they even graduate,” said guidance counselor Greta Michaels. “We try to intervene and lower their expectations after the third week of being ghosted. There’s much more stability dating an age-appropriate townie who works at Autozone.”

As of press time, Jenson’s boyfriend had returned without his band, instruments, or money, but did bring his new girlfriend as they needed a place to crash tonight.

Roommate With Pet Tarantulas Wants You to Promise Not to Freak Out Over What They’re About to Say

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

OAK RIDGE, Tenn. — Prolific tarantula owner Nell Gibbons is reportedly withholding potentially important information from her roommate until she agrees not to make a big deal over whatever it may be, concerned sources confirmed.

“I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to overreact like she did last time. All she needs to do is agree to the, and I think everyone is on board with this, simple task of not blowing whatever it is I’m about to tell her out of proportion,” said Gibbons. “She doesn’t even know what I’m about to bring up! I could just want to discuss world affairs, or the French literature class she’s been taking — stuff like that! She knows there’s only one way to find out, and I hope she agrees to my terms soon, because frankly the matter, whatever it may be, is getting more pressing by the second.”

Gibbons’ roommate was understandably skittish, and expressed grave concern over the conversation’s possibilities.

“I just know she’s going to tell me something awful about those horrible beasts, I just know it. Why would she make me say I wouldn’t freak out, if what she was going to say wasn’t one hundred percent worth freaking out over? I don’t know why I let her bring those things into the apartment,” lamented long-suffering roommate Vivian Westerneck. “Ugh, it’s the not knowing that really drives me up the wall. Should I just agree and get it over with? I swear, I’m just gonna fumigate this whole place without telling her one day.”

Professional animal wrangler Warren Ulkins, who just happened to be passing through he swears, was also part of the story.

“I had just been in the neighborhood, and just thought I’d pop by this particular residence, for nothing in particular. Ms. Gibbons and I hadn’t spoken on the phone or anything like that, and if we had, her speech would definitely not have been frantic and spider-based,” said Kramer. “You know, just a classic knock on the door ‘what’s the vermin situation if any?’ type of visit for me. Then, if there happens to be a swarm of something, or if something needs capturing and tranquilizing, I’m there. If not, no big deal, I’m already on my way to the next non-distress call.”

According to eyewitnesses, Westerneck’s relief that the discussion was not about her roommates’ tarantulas was short-lived after learning the news in question was a powerline fell through her bedroom ceiling, letting a large family of flesh-eating buzzards in.

How To Pick Which Track Goes First on Your Album When None of Them Start With “AARRRREE YOOUU REAAADYYY?!”

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

It feels amazing to finally have all the songs recorded for your new record. But that elation can be quickly deflated when you realize you have to pick which song goes first. Especially when not a single one of them starts with a growling inquiry into the listener’s preparation status.

Not everyone can have the ingenuity of Jonathan Davis, so we put together some tips you can use to decide which track goes first on your album. Are you ready?

Use your second-best song
You want to make sure to capture the listener’s attention with your opening track, but you don’t want to just give away your best stuff within the first three minutes of your seventeen-minute masterpiece. Give them a taste of what could be your second single if your songs were any bit appropriate for radio play. That’ll nab their attention for the rest of the album.

Add a cool sample
Why start with a song at all when you can add something obscure or kind of kooky? You could start off with a clip from a 1950s nuclear fallout training video or a sentimental birthday voicemail from your uncle. The nostalgic intrigue will keep your listeners hooked.

Let your drummer count to four
This one’s an oldie but a goodie. Nothing gets people pumped up like a short list of numbers, especially when they’re in order and match the beat of an upcoming song.

Create an elaborate and incomprehensible formula
You could go down the scientific route and put together a mathematical formula to decide on the running order of your album. This may take some extra time, depending on how much attention you paid in algebra class, but it is definitely the most accurate way to pick your track listing. The only downside to this method is that you will be plagued forever by fans obsessed with cracking your code and convincing everyone around them that they understand you better than anyone. Just ask Tool.

Ask your mom
If all else fails, you can always fall back on the fan who has been there for you the longest. Your mom will be so happy you called her, she is sure to look past all the foul language in your lyrics. Let her give the input into your life that she’s always craved. After all, mother knows best!

Opinion: I’m Tired of Being Called a Scrub for Polluting Less and Saving Money by Riding in the Passenger Side of My Best Friend’s Ride

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Times are tough. With gas prices in extreme fluctuation, it seemed like a prudent move on my part to start carpooling. My best friend and I typically go places together in order to save money and to cut down on pollution. This is why I do not appreciate being labeled a “scrub” for riding shotgun while we cruise in the HOV lane.

Global warming is serious business and we need to take measures to pollute less. While individual action will never be enough, it still can’t hurt to decongest the highways by having one less car driving on them. I’m just trying to live by the motto “WWGTD” (What would Greta Thunberg do?). Are you going to call Greta Thunberg a scrub for advocating anti-pollution measures? I don’t think so.

And what exactly is your issue with walking places anyway? Exercise is good for you! Forgive me for not buying into your consumerist car-centered culture. I have two legs and I am not afraid to use them to get myself from point T to L to C.

Aren’t there more important things to rail against than individuals who do not independently own a car? Are finances and asset ownership all that matters to you? Is the value of a man really represented by the things he has? Should I be judged by my unwillingness to buy into the vapid consumerist capitalist structure? I’m disgusted by this entire situation.

Oh, and can I have like $300 to help me cover my rent this month?

Punks With Chain Wallets Tangled Together Now Operating as Single Organism

Posted on by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA – A dozen punks are adjusting to their new life as a single organism after getting their chain wallets tangled at a house show, confirmed amazed and slightly disgusted sources.

“I saw this dude outside the show my band was playing at, so I asked him if I could bum a cig,” said one pierced mouth of the writhing mass of humanity now known as X. “It was freezing cold, so we were all bunched up pretty close together. Next thing I know this girl comes over and asks for one. Suddenly it’s a crowd, we’re all attached at the hip, literally. My dad is a doctor and he’s basically telling me I should prepare for a new life, and that he’s not going to pay my car insurance anymore. Which is bullshit, but now that I’m permanently attached to 11 other people maybe we can get some sort of family plan.”

Emergency medical personnel initially attempted to surgically separate the individuals but failed after each of the 20-somethings refused to cooperate with authorities.

“We wheeled them into the operating room and had our world-class surgeons ready to go, but they just spit on us and called us ‘wound cops’ which I still don’t really understand,” said a doctor who saw the DIY fusion up close, granted anonymity to break HIPAA laws. “Eventually it was decided that the ethical, cost-effective thing to do was cease separation attempts and allow the punks to begin to organize into a collective consciousness, which they immediately began doing by pooling all their cash to buy a thirty rack of PBR. With a generous donation from a board member here, they were able to afford it.”

Scientists from across the world have begun initial studies of the organism.

“This is the first time we’ve seen a human ‘rat-king’ in nature. Their tangled wallet chains appear to have spontaneously formed a sort of Gordian Knot through which the punks are able to communicate, pass nutrients and discuss new advances in button pressing,” said Dr. Heins Banks, head of Cryptozoological studies at La Sorbonne in Paris. “While each constituent part of the organism formerly insisted on individuality to the point of absurdity, this new being appears willing to share more than cigarettes and anecdotes about basement shows of yesteryear.”

At press time, X was seen asking every passerby if they could bum a pack of cigarettes.

We Look Back on Deftones Because We’re Hooking Up With Our High School Girlfriend Again

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Being a single guy that never left his hometown is great because the babes always come back. And when they do, I nurse these beautiful creatures back to health before releasing them into their native Midwestern habitat. Actually, I’m hooking up with Jessica Sanchez, my newly-divorced high school sweetheart, again.

She’s coming over tonight, so I’m gonna reminisce about the Deftones songs we banged to senior year while I wait for this truck-stop Viagra to kick in.

“My Own Summer (Shove It)” We used to slam ass all night to this, but I am in much worse physical shape than I was in the mid-2000s. Somehow, Jess is in better shape and can screw circles around me. I wish this song was shorter and slower because I can’t keep up.

“Hexagram” This song is classic Deftones: Chino screaming and Steph playing heavy guitars, but it always made Jess’s dirty talk turn into extremely personal insults. I guess that’s something I blocked out because she was so hot.

“Teenager” I always wondered, “Why the fuck is this song on the album? It doesn’t fit in any way,” which was nice because you’re not supposed to cry while being whipped. Making sense of the “White Pony” tracklisting always elevated my threshold for pain.

“Passenger” Sometimes, Maynard James Keenan’s guest vocals made my dick soft. That guy is fuckin’ spooky.

“Lucky You” If “Passenger” kills the mood, “Lucky You” brought it back because it felt like we were having sex in a vampire movie. This is also about the time Jess would bite hard enough to draw blood.

“Digital Bath” This creepy ass song about electrocuting a woman in the bathtub feels pretty relatable because Jess is driving me insane. She’s cool and hot, but the sex is mega painful and she’s always like, “How do you pay for this apartment if you don’t have a job?” I sell drugs and steal people’s identities, okay?! I can afford a bigger place, but I’m trying to be discreet!

“Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” This is exactly what I should’ve done when I saw her in the bar the other night.

I think I’ll tell Jess I have Covid or something because my sciatica’s acting up and I hate what she makes me do when “Knife Party” comes on. I don’t care how cute she is, I don’t want to play hide and seek like that ever again.

Punk Museum to Offer VR Tour Experience Where Van Gets Stolen in Philadelphia

Posted on by Dave McNamara

LAS VEGAS — The Punk Rock Museum announced that they will offer a complete virtual reality van-tour experience when it opens in March 2023, giving patrons a taste of what it’s like to be a touring punk musician.

“It’s pretty authentic. They even stop at a Waffle House so the band can all get a sink-shower,” said Dave “Skids” McKenzie of the band Grundle Musk who was part of a test audience. “At first I was skeptical, but they did a good job with the details. Right when you get in, they hit you with that smell—like Funyun-flavored malt liquor. There are shoes and filthy socks all over the place and the VR headsets all have some kind of sticky shit all over them. The van and gear getting stolen in Philly really gives you the full experience. I mean, Grundle got our shit stolen twice in Philly, and once we were just passing through to DC. That town does not fuck around.”

Fat Mike of NOFX, who spearheaded the Punk Rock Museum project, weighed in on the decision to include the interactive ride.

“I really wanted there to be a rare Japanese dildo exhibit but the backers were a little lame about it,” said the owner of Fat Wreck Chords. “Someone pitched the VR thing as a backup and I said on one condition—we have the tour end with a good old-fashioned Philly gear heist. There were a few other ideas I had, like VR participants having to split a bag of Tostitos and a jar of salsa for backstage catering, or having the security guards throw your amps in the dumpster for playing over curfew, but the coders said that was too difficult to pull off in VR.”

Philadelphia 3rd District Police Captain Ralph Pugliesi addressed the attention the Punk Rock Museum’s VR experience has given his department.

“People ask me if I’m ashamed of the notoriety, and I tell them I’m proud of it,” said Pugliesi. “3rd District is number one in all the US for stolen tour vans. It’s cute when they come in all crying and say, ‘But we backed the trailer all the way up to the wall of the Comfort Inn…’ Like that matters. Me and Jimmy O’Connell over at District 9 got a game running, to see who racks up the most stolen gear. We call it ‘Guitar Zero.’ Come to think of it, he still owes me three hundred bucks.”

Update: Since reporting, the VR Van-Tour Experience has broken down one week into the museum’s opening and is surrounded by staff with no idea how to fix it.

Opinion: I Know You’re All Pissed That I Gambled Away the Entire Band Fund, but It Also Started a Conversation and That Matters

Posted on by Peter Woods

Let’s go ahead and address the elephant in the room. Yes, I took the $3,000 we had saved over the past 4 years to record our new album and blew it all at the casino. I admit, it was wrong to do that and I’m frustrated with myself and my choices. But there’s a silver lining here that I also think is just as important to recognize: we’re having a conversation. A real, honest, and necessary conversation. And that wouldn’t have happened without me stealing the band fund.

Looking back, I will admit that what I did was reckless and pretty foolish. But I can also see how much good it could have done too. After the first fifteen minutes at the casino, I was up $23. That could have gotten two of us sandwiches during the first day of recording, which would leave out the other three of us so I had to keep going. It just sucks I lost it all in the next ten minutes.

So do you see what I’m saying? I’m bringing ideas to the table. Yes, I hear you when you say I’m a giant piece of shit who thinks less about the future than a goldfish with a lobotomy. I am listening and I see you. And that’s what it means to have a dialogue. You share an idea, I share an idea, and eventually we arrive at a place of healing and move forward without threatening anyone with violence over a couple of dollars.

What is money anyways? It’s not even real!

If you really think about it, this is a great opportunity to shape the discourse into something productive. Let’s move on from suddenly accusing people of stealing the catalytic converter out of the tour van to sell for scrap metal when no one made that connection a year ago when it happened. Let’s think about how to move forward outside of the carceral logic where you demand I pay you back.

In the long run, I think it’s pretty hard to argue against the fact that what happened will actually be a good thing for us. We’re really talking to each other in ways that we’ve never done and I think we all would have paid twice as much to do that if we had known it was an option.

Plus you guys know my parents will give us another three grand so calm down.

Band Honors the Salaries of Wives and Girlfriends Who Make Their Tours Possible

Posted on by Rose Eden

TACOMA, Wash. — Local street punk band The Brick Layers will be headlining a special show this Thursday to honor the very special ladies in their lives, and their salaries, confirmed sources who wish this gesture could have been scheduled on a weekend.

“I think it’s important that we take the time to thank our wives and girlfriends who all have really great jobs. Without them there is no way we’d be able to tour,” said bass player Jeremy Garcia as he decorated the venue with streamers purchased with his wife’s credit card. “From the moment I met Isabelle it was almost like love at first sight. Once she explained what a nurse practitioner was I was hooked, I mean that’s practically like a doctor! I knew there was no way I was ever going to let this woman go. We have two cars, I couldn’t afford a skateboard before I met her, now I have a Lexus.”

Naturally, their partners responded in a positive manner when interviewed and praised the band for the conclusion of another successful tour season.

“At the end of the day, I really do enjoy being helpful,” said Ashley Simms, wife of The Brick Layer’s drummer Roy Simms. “When he’s at home I always pack his lunch before work at the bar with whatever kind of fruit snack or Uncrustable sandwich he wants, then when he’s on the road I’m always happy to shoot him a Venmo for snacks, gas, food, whatever, even in the middle of the night! I’m part of a family business that manages multiple hedge funds, so it’s like no problem you know? I don’t have to wake up early or at all if I don’t want to. It all just sort of handles itself.”

Full-time professional tour manager “Hard” Bill Salinski noted that bands with the “Golden Ticket” of a successful partner at home are the best kinds to work with.

“A solid source of income is the difference between staying at Motel 6 or the Hilton. Eating Burger King every day, or stocking up at Whole Foods because you know these millennial kids are all vegan now,” said Salinski. “Then at the end of every gig you’re paid out cash whether they make their guarantee or not, it’s kind of amazing. In my day, if I were hard up and needed to call my old lady, I’d have to find a pay phone. These guys get a mochi doughnut craving at 3 a.m. in San Diego and boom! $50 sent to their phone so they can order UberEats.”

Garcia went on to explain that their wives’ salaries allow them the freedom to explore their other passions when off the road, such as building their careers in comic book shop management and line cheffing, among other ambitions.

Report: 84% of Gen Z Have Never Been Terrified by Nine Inch Nails “Closer” Video as Children

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. – A shocking new study from the University of Oregon revealed that 84% of individuals born in America after 1998 have never been absolutely balls-out terrified by the bizarre sexual imagery of the music video for “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.

“For years, scientists have been trying to tell the world an important message,” said UO sociology professor Ramona Bird. “That the newest generation of Americans has an increasingly poor understanding of just how fucked up the video for ‘Closer’ is and how much it could warp your mind, but no one thought things were this bad. Even by optimistic projections, the percentage of children who are traumatized by that crucified monkey will fall into single digits by the end of the decade.”

High school sophomore MacKei Henderson was unfazed by the study and by the existence of the “Closer” video in general.

“I don’t get the big deal,” said Henderson while scrolling through TikTok. “It’s a bunch of cheugy ‘American Horror Story’ shit and this skinny white guy floating through the air. Maybe if I saw this when I was four, it would freak me out a little, but I’ve seen worse TikToks in the last hour alone. The beat is pretty fire, but the whole S&M thing is pretty played out. I got bored with that shit in sixth grade.”

Filmmaker Mark Romanek, who directed the Nine Inch Nails video, was despondent to hear that his work was no longer regularly causing children to develop night terrors.

“It’s extremely depressing to find that your life’s work has no meaning,” said Romanek while gazing glumly at his three Grammy Awards for Best Short Form Music Video. “That everything you have tried to teach the world is being lost to time, whether that is how to drive, how Robin Williams could actually be deeply frightening in the right role, or showing unwitting kids with access to MTV a naked woman with a cross for a face. It’s a damn shame.”

When informed of the study, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor reportedly shrugged and continued to compose original music for an upcoming Pixar film about a rabbit who wants to be a stage magician.