Review: The White Stripes “Self-Titled”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Each week the Hard Times takes a good, hard look at an important album in music’s storied history. Today, join me as I put my Bachelor’s Degree in Music Composition from the prestigious Hartt School Music Conservatory (Class of 2010) to good use for once, and provide a trenchant, pedagogic, but hopefully not didactic, approach to songwriting on The White Stripes’ self-titled debut LP, song by song.

Let’s all take our seats, as I have a lot of material to get through in just a short amount of time, and this can get a little complicated if you don’t pay attention. Bear with me, class is now in session.

“Jimmy The Exploder” – Oh hell yeah

“Stop Breaking Down” – Are you kiddin’ me, rips so hard

“The Big Three Killed My Baby” – *bites lip* mmhmm

“Suzy Lee” – Banger

“Sugar Never Tasted So Good” – You’ve honestly gotta be kidding me with this, LOVE

“Wasting My Time” – Yesssssssssss-

“Cannon” – (continued) -sssssssssssssssss

“Astro” – *bangs table* THIS one, right here

“Broken Bricks” – Ok, go off, Jack!

“When I Hear My Name” – Haven’t forgot about you, Meg!

“Do” – You know what’s really good on this one? The guitar and the drums. Also the singing.

“Screwdriver” – Owns.

“One More Cup of Coffee” – *raises the roof, unironically*

“Little People” – Sorry, I said this one already, but there’s no other way to put it: oh hell yeah.

“Slicker Drips” – Damn, this rocks

“St. James Infirmary Blues” – Damn, this blues-es

“I Fought Piranhas” – As luck would have it, I enjoy this one as well.

While I know a track-by-track breakdown through an academic lens may seem like heavy-handed excess, I promise you it was the only way to do justice to a collection of modern music with this much sonic nuance. I hope I’ve helped you all learn a little something. Not only about composition…but, perhaps, just maybe, about life.

Score: A+ just like all the grades I got at Hartt (Note to editor: please for the love of god, do not fact-check the previous sentence.)

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So You Drank Two Nights in a Row in Your 30s: Here’s How to Draft a Will

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

For most people in their twenties, drinking two nights in a row is hardly notable. It’s basically an every-other-day occurrence. While you may get hungover, you’re young so you’ll recover. Well, now you’re in your thirties so the fact that you had two glasses of merlot at dinner one night followed by a few beers at the bar the next, means you’re feeling like death this morning. And since this hangover might actually kill you, here’s how to draft a will.

Feeling too nauseous to figure out how to do that? Fear not! We consulted with a friend who knows a lawyer. We’ll teach you how to write your will step by step! It’s so simple even a pickled thirty-something can follow along.

First things first, you’ll want to make a comprehensive list of your assets. Given your current age, it’s likely you started your drinking tenure around the time of the 2008 recession. As such, you don’t own many nice things. Still, note anything you think has value, or in your case, sentimental value. And don’t puke on your list! Vomit voids legal documents.

Once you have your list ready, you’ll want to decide who gets to inherit the assets you own. Since you’re still drinking on consecutive nights we’re guessing you either don’t have children or don’t care much about the ones you have. Perhaps leave your tattered couch to the pandemic cat you adopted in 2020.

Don’t forget that when it comes to certain assets within your will, you do have the ability to make specifications. For example, instead of simply leaving your dusty art history degree to your parents, you can specify that they hang it up above the mantle in their living room. This way they won’t remember you for your dumb drinking decisions and instead remember you for your dumb educational decisions.

Finally, you’ll need to find an attorney to have this will officialized. Once the room stops spinning, search google for law firms that specialize in end-of-life planning. Give them a call and explain the gravity of your situation. They’ll understand.

The Weekly Scene Report: January 28, 2023

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Are you one of those people who waits until the end of the week to read up on news? Well, you’re in luck. Here’s your one and only chance to catch up on the most important stories you missed this week.

Metalhead Forgets to Ask For Anything in Return When Making Deal With the Devil

Read the full story here.

Death Metal Guitarist Suffers Permanent Hearing Damage After Seeing One Movie at an AMC Theater

Read the full story here.

Awkward: Woman Not Sure What To Do With Hands During Handjob

Read the full story here.

Punk on “Wheel of Fortune” Asks if He Can Bum a Vowel

Read the full story here.

Brendon Urie Delivers Panic! At The Disco Breakup Speech Into Mirror

Read the full story here.

Watch Out! This Rebel Wears a D.A.R.E. Shirt Even Though She Does Drugs

Read the full story here.

Gen Zer Keeps Collection of Concert Ticket PDFs on Old Phone in Shoe Box

Read the full story here.

Oh Fuck: The Bad To The Bone Guitar Riff Started Playing As That Bearded Guy Entered the Room

Read the full story here.

Kraftwerk Asks Sound Guy if They Can Get More Beeps and Boops in Monitor

Read the full story here.

“Velma” Creators Promise Scooby-Doo Will Appear In Season Two, Show Full Cock And Balls

Read the full story here.

 

 

John Frusciante, Flea “Fine” With Anthony Kiedis Naming Harmonious, Beautifully Intricate Song “Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Guitarist and bassist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, John Frusciante and Flea, satiated publicly that they are “totally fine, whatever” with lead singer Anthony Kiedis naming their melodic, intricate song “Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama.”

“After a decade away, what made me want to rejoin the band was the special relationship I have with Flea. And with Chad behind the kit, the magic we create is just too special to ignore. Oh and Anthony is there, as well. Nice guy,” explained RHCP guitarist Frusciante, while sheepishly looking around the room. “Recently, Flea and I were totally in the pocket jamming on a new track. It was this really sophisticated groove that blends early Parliament and some Buzzcocks, with even a little Halim El-Dabh. Anthony heard it and immediately started writing lyrics about ‘a chick who was some type of Spanish’ that he banged at one of Diddy’s white parties. Took him no more than five minutes to write all the lyrics on a used napkin.”

The frequently maligned Kiedis explained his songwriting process.

“I don’t know if it’s just my years of experience, or perhaps something supernatural even, but sometimes lyrics just pour out of me. And that’s exactly what happened with ‘Clappa Dap Funk Suckin’ Mama.’ To the untrained plebeian, lyrics like ‘suckin’ on mine in a 69,’ or even ‘ding dang dang dong dong dang’ might seem like the ravings of a drooling, poon-crazy lunatic. But there’s actually a much deeper meaning to it all,” explained Kiedis while gesticulating his arms wildly. “Of course, I can’t just explain how and why my lyrics are so profound, but true fans understand that there are many layers to ‘Catholic School Girls rule.’”

Music historian Susannah Fitzpatrick cited other examples of bands with tenuous relationships with lead singers.

“The history of rock and roll is riddled with tight knit, talented musicians forced to tolerate blustery and obnoxious lead singers. While I imagine it is very difficult for these brilliant bands to deal with the David Lee Roths and Fred Dursts of the world, hopefully the millions of dollars, legion of adoring fans, and plentiful, selfish sex is enough consolation for them,” said Fitzpatrick. “As for Kiedis, while some fans may deride his ability, the fact is, there is no Chili Peppers without Anthony. You think Flea could’ve come up with putting a tube sock on his dick? Yeah right.”

At press time, a frustrated Frusciante already started planning his third departure from the band.

Elder Emo Desperately Tries Coding New Fall Out Boy Single Into His Microsoft Teams Homepage

Posted on by Tracy Kellett

CHICAGO — Shane Patterson, financial manager at Sunset Holdings and self-professed “elder emo”, spent the last two weeks of company time desperately trying to code the new Fall Out Boy single “Love From The Other Side” into his Microsoft Teams homepage, according to multiple frustrated sources.

“I did this all the time in my parents’ computer room back in high school. Just have to get the .html right. I honestly can’t believe our multi-million dollar company, with wealthy shareholders across the globe, supports software this archaic,” Patterson whispered into his seventh cup of black coffee. “Not only am I unable to embed this song, which, is giving off the best ‘Folie a Deux’ meets ‘Take This To Your Grave’ vibes, but I can’t even code in a little dog pushing a ball across the screen with his nose, either. This is like 1999 all over again.”

Sunset Holdings IT specialist Jenna Fitzgerald admitted that she was at the end of her rope due to Patterson’s flood of support tickets.

“It’s not even about the sheer volume of help requests he’s submitted, it’s how he’s writing them,” Fitzgerald explained. “I’m like, having to decipher the saddest slam poetry, all over a request for editor access. Don’t even get me started on how he’s signing the support tickets – what the hell is a car crash heart, anyway? And look, I’m Gen Z, I don’t judge anyone over how they identify or who they love, but the cheap box dye he just started using has stained the headrests of five different office chairs. Between him and Martha in Human Resources who keeps requesting I convert an MP3 into a PDF for her, I’m about to lose it”.

Tom from MySpace shared how stoked he is to see personalized coding find its way into the American workplace.

“When I started a little company you may have heard of, my only goal was for its users to bond over radical self-expression. With customized headers ranging from dancing avocados all the way to dancing hamsters, to musical selections and hilarious glitter .gifs, we enabled our users to stylize their content however they wanted, so long as these nerds didn’t need our help doing it,” said the Myspace founder. “It only makes sense that our new generation of workers want to incorporate this into the productivity platforms they use the most. Perhaps the CEO of Sunset Holdings should take note of this, and then become an employee favorite and land in everyone’s Teams Top 8.”

At press time, Patterson was petitioning the principles of Sunset Holdings to migrate the company’s entire network infrastructure to a more malleable digital workspace prior to the next Fall Out Boy single drop.

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Please Stop Calling Me a Gold Star Lesbian, I’m a Female Brigadier General

Posted on by Tracy Kellett

Thirty years. Thirty goddamn years of training, deployments, and countless moves across the world, yet I come home to an entire generation who can’t tell the difference between an American hero and a woman who successfully dodged dick her entire life. Do you have any idea how exhausted I am? So please, I’m begging you, stop calling me a gold star lesbian. I am a female Brigadier General in the United States Army.

I’m not saying sleeping exclusively with women isn’t a lofty achievement, nor am I shaming lesbians at all. Hell, one time in Airborne school, I knocked boots with a female chef nicknamed “Beef” all for a few extra slices of bacon from the breakfast station. I understand sexuality is fluid. But the fact that Beef has been granted an equitable title to the one I worked my ass off for? Hell no! And I ride that line straight and fucking narrow.

I get the confusion. If you hold up a venn diagram between me and your top tier, red-blooded American lesbians, the overlap is uncanny. The majority of us beat out countless men for the job, we’ve all had our inseam measured at a Men’s Warehouse, and our parents won’t get off our backs about when we’re having babies. The major difference is I had to watch the live stream of Bin Laden being taken out by Seal Team 6 while y’all were buying succulents at Home Depot.

So please, while I understand the exclusivity of being a lesbian who has only ever boinked other women, I’m one of nineteen women in the history of the US Army to become a General. Show me some fucking respect.

10 Albums Coming in 2023 We Don’t Really Care About Because We’re Depressed

Posted on by Tim Graham

We’re supposed to be taking a look ahead at some of the most anticipated albums coming in 2023 or whatever. Here are 10 new records that we should probably be excited for, I guess.

Fucked Up “One Day”

We can imagine a time when the anthemic new single “Found” from Fucked Up’s next LP might’ve given us goosebumps, but honestly, we haven’t gotten all tingly from music in years. It sounds like something we would like, though, if we still liked things.

Fall Out Boy “So Much (For) Stardust”

We’re sure a lot of people would be psyched to receive an advance copy of the new Fall Out Boy record. However, we felt exhausted and ended up putting it next to the record player and lying down for a while.

(Preorder a copy in our store by clicking here)

Yo La Tengo “This Stupid World”

We were imagining how many people have been born, lived lives and died in the nearly 40 years that Yo La Tengo has been a band… Of course, they would have been sadly abbreviated lives, cut short most likely due to disease or misfortune. What was the point of it all?

Metallica “72 Seasons”

After several false starts and broken promises, could this be the long-awaited return-to-form for Metallica that will make us feel young and vital again? Or will it be another middling collection of dad-metal that just deepens our ennui?

(Preorder a copy in our store by clicking here)

Smashing Pumpkins “ATUM: A Rock Opera in Three Acts: Act Two”

This announcement just gives us nostalgia for a past that never happened—a past where the Smashing Pumpkins broke up after “Mellon Collie” and never started sucking. At least they should bring back D’Arcy. I feel like we would really get along with her.

Paramore “This is Why”

We’re hoping that an album entitled “This is Why” may finally answer some existential questions that have been plaguing us lately, such as “Why me?” and “What’s the point?”

(Preorder a copy in our store by clicking here)

Quasi “Breaking the Balls of History”

Sorry, we can’t listen to Quasi. Our ex put them on a mix for us 15 years ago and it’s still too painful.

Neutral Milk Hotel “The Collected Works of Neutral Milk Hotel”

We felt a glimmer of excitement when we heard there was a new NMH album coming out—but it turns out it’s just a big, expensive reissue, further cementing our feeling that everything good has already happened.

(Preorder a copy of the Neutral Milk Hotel collection in our store)

100 Gecs  “10,000 Gecs”

We don’t necessarily like 100 Gecs, but it is worth noting that their music is grating enough to temporarily disrupt our anhedonia and make us actually feel something, even if it’s a terribly unpleasant sensation.

(Preorder a copy in our store, click here)

Cattle Decapitation “Terrasite”

Cattle Decapitation believes that humanity is a disease; a scourge upon the Earth, doomed to suffer while ever marching toward extinction, dragging the rest of life as we know it along into the grave. Finally, something we can relate to.

“Velma” Creators Promise Scooby-Doo Will Appear In Season Two, Show Full Cock And Balls

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

LOS ANGELES — The producers of HBO Max’s “Velma” responded to the criticism of the new animated series and promised that Scooby-Doo will finally appear in season 2, with his cock and balls will be on full display at all times, multiple excited sources confirmed.

“Since everyone online has been, like, sooo rude about there not being a Scooby in this show, we went fine, whatever,” explained star and producer Mindy Kaling. “We’ll bring on the stupid dog, gosh. But, like, we are going to completely reinvent the character. The good time Scooby you know and love will now be a socially conscious dog that teaches all his peers about consent, also his weird penis will be in every shot. I really think it’s the right move for the show. Our hope is that the Scoob’s omnipresent red lipstick will distract from the fact most of this show was written by an AI program.”

The addition of the beloved talking dog to the seemingly-doomed adult cartoon has done little to sway Twitter critic Andrea Garza.

“Look, I grew up with Scooby-Doo cartoons, and especially loved the live-action movies, as cheesy as they are. But when has spitefully adding a dog dick to the mix ever worked out for anyone?” Garza said. “And after having the chance to interview Kaling, I’m even more distraught over this new change. Apparently, many of the plotlines in season two will revolve around the negative aspects of not neutering your dog, including Scooby-Doo constantly marking with his urine, and eventually developing prostate disease.”

Veteran voice actor Frank Welker admitted he has some questions about why Scooby’s genitals figure so heavily into the new show.

“I’ve been a part of ‘Scooby-Doo’ since the ‘60s. And I treasure the characters I play, but I’m having trouble finding out what the motivation is behind Scoob constantly referring to his ‘rock and ralls,’ you know?” said Welker. “I tried my best to be professional and work with the material I was handed, but by the time the table read got to the scene of Scooby and Dynomutt having full penetrative sex on top of the Mystery Machine, I had to get up and leave.”

At press time, Kaling was seen scrolling through the Hanna-Barbera Wikipedia page, looking for a beloved character she could rewrite as a January 6th insurrectionist.

34-Year-Old Finally Free From Duct Tape Dress She Wore to Prom in 2006

Posted on by Amanda Russel

EVANSTON, Ill. — 34-year-old Maya Ambrose triumphantly peeled the very last remains of duct tape leftover from her homemade 2006 prom dress in front of family who gathered to celebrate the moment, multiple teary-eyed sources confirmed.

“At first, I was so proud of the dress, it was such a shock to the mainstream system that tries to tell young girls exactly what to wear,” said Ambrose. “Prom night ruled, everyone loved my dress, and then I realized this dress wasn’t going to get me laid, mainly because guys thought I was weird, and it started to stink really fast. Then when I couldn’t rip the tape off, I realized ‘oh god, I’m so, so fucked.’ Try getting a job, or a date, or going about your business while still dragging around part of a duct tape dress. It’s humiliating. No one takes me seriously.”

Ambrose’s parents are at their wit’s end and have been for over a decade.

“Little by little she’s been pulling the dress apart piece by piece, and finally, today, she is free, and maybe now she can think about starting a family. The worst part is the fact she did this to herself. We warned her about the sticking power of duct tape, we suggested masking tape or even electrical tape but she didn’t listen,” said her mother Anne. “I’m just happy to have my daughter back, and we can stop making calls to 3M to ask them the best way to remove their product from private regions. It’s nice to know we don’t have to dip into our retirement fund to buy more citrus cleaner to remove the adhesive residue.”

Duct Tape PR Representative Richard “Dickey” Hardy is all for the continuation of the early aughts duct tape manufacturing tradition.

“Everyone knows duct tape is great for making wallets, clothing, or really for any of your other fix-it needs,” an enthusiastic Hardy explained. “We encourage more customers to be creative, innovative folks who love duct tape and everything it represents. I’ve personally been developing a line of duct tape condoms that are 99% effective in preventing pregnancy and I hope this unfortunate prom dress experience doesn’t deter anyone from buying our quality products in the future. Duct tape is meant to bring people together.”

At press time, Ambrose caused her parents to both go into a state of cardiac arrest after announcing she plans on getting a small forearm tattoo.

How I Reduce My Carbon Footprint by Never Washing My One Water Glass

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

It’s the middle of the night. I take my one water glass to the kitchen for a refill, and that’s when I hear it. “Ew, dude. When are you gonna wash that disgusting glass?” My roommate Sean has peeled himself away from his Criminal Minds marathon to pass judgment, but he’s out of his depth. Oh, you think it’s gross, Sean? Well, that’s the sacrifice I make to reduce my carbon footprint and save the planet!

The layer upon layer of caked-on chapstick around the rim and the fog of a thousand fingerprints stand as a reminder of all the soap and water I’ve saved over the last few months. Sure, at first I got a little lazy and kept it on my bedside table overnight, but I just got used to it there. It looked so right alongside my lamp and my phone. At some point, because I’d rather feel proud than disgusted, I commended myself for my environmental heroism and dug a little deeper.

I kept hearing about people reducing their carbon footprint to help combat climate change, and I thought, well shit, I already do a ton of that gross stuff. I only shower once every few days, and even then, I follow the new celebrity craze of not washing myself every shower. I’ve had the same pillow for like 20 years, feeding countless dust mites, while I bet Sean tosses that entire population in the trash for a new pillow every couple of years. By now, it’s half-pillow, half-me, so it’s like discarding my child. Too far? Maybe. But maybe that’s how far I’m willing to go.

So Sean can say, “No wonder you’re so sick and rashy all the time” all he wants, but he’s part of the problem. With his one, sometimes two showers a day, and his fresh, crystal clear glassware, he might as well keep a Hummer running all day at his cattle feedlot. Plus any day now, this glass will self-clean when the grime completely crusts over and cracks off like the shell of a hard-boiled egg. The circle of life.