Guy Honoring Friend’s Request to Have Song Played at His Funeral Forgets to Skip YouTube Ads

Posted on by Chris Bowen

VESTAL, N.Y. — The funeral for local punk Jimmy Stark became a matter of sheer embarrassment when his best friend Derek Norton accidentally forgot to skip the long annoying YouTube ads on the song he requested play at his funeral, several cringe-struck sources report.

“Jimmy made it clear to me in his final days he wanted to have that specific Poison song played during his funeral. Since nobody has a CD player anymore I just hooked my laptop up straight to the funeral home PA,” a visibly nervous Norton explained. “How was I supposed to know ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ doesn’t kick off with a special offer for unlimited data when switching to T-Mobile? I haven’t heard that full song in well over 15 years and I thought it was just an extended intro. But judging by how quickly the mood turned from sadness to ‘what the fuck?,’ I could tell something just wasn’t right.”

Funeral attendee Ashley Brightwell weighed in on the regrettable tribute to her friend and colleague.

“The services were actually really beautiful up until that idiot Derek took the entire mood down. The cell phone commercial was bad enough, but then the 17-minute ad on the benefits of using Walter & Son’s spray foam insulation that followed turned it downright unbelievable,” Brightwell explained. “We all thought it would never end! By the time the actual song came on, the funeral had cleared out. I mean, who clears out a funeral crowd? A negligent moron, that’s who.”

Director of services at Scrimm-Altwater Funeral Home Richard Altwater has come across many embarrassing tribute song instances during his many years in the funeral business.

“Many times, the tribute song played at a funeral is the most touching reflection and representation of the life of those who passed,” Altwater said in an obviously annoyed tone. “But it also can be the part that ruins the entire ceremony. In one instance, ‘Dust in the Wind’ was supposed to be played in memory of the deceased, but the inexperienced person playing the song on YouTube picked some Woody Guthrie dust bowl ballad about ‘Dusty Old Dust’ by accident. Hearing about an Oakie headed west was not the tribute those attending had in mind.”

At press time, Norton was seen scrambling to close out the screaming goat compilation video that was supposed to be a video collage of his deceased friend.

Every Alkaline Trio Album Ranked

Posted on by James Knapp

For more than 25 years Alkaline Trio has been the archetypal brooding, pop-punk muse casting creepy shadow puppets over the landscape of modern music. But despite inspiring more bad junior high poetry than “Catcher in the Rye,” the band’s discography is not without its high and low points. As such, here is The Hard Times’ definitive ranking of every Alkaline Trio record.

9. Agony & Irony

Let’s just get this out of the way: this is a bad record. Coming about at the height of Matt Skiba’s steampunk vest phase, “Agony & Irony” sounds like less of an experiment from an evolving punk band and more like a coded cry for help from the krautrock muppet they kidnapped to write it for them.

 

 

 

Play on Repeat: If we really had to pick a track, “Calling All Skeletons” is not without its charms.

Skip: The rest of the album.

8. My Shame Is True

There really isn’t much to be said about the tenacious blandness of this album other than it does finally prove you can hit a point of diminishing returns on the whole spooky pun schtick. Like, these guys have always had some pretty goofy album titles, but this one, much like the album itself, feels like the fatigued barrel-scraping of a band who were just ready to bail out of the studio and go get some jalapeno poppers at Applebees.

 

 

 

Play on Repeat: “I Wanna Be a Warhol”

Skip: “The Temptation of St. Anthony”

7. Is This Thing Cursed?

After years of piss-poor piddling about, and maybe three or fourteen too many side projects, the band came together in 2018 to make what turned out to be a moderately decent record. And while nothing on “Is This Thing Cursed?” is necessarily gonna blow your dick off the way Alkaline Trio songs used to, before you knew how disappointing actual sex really is, a couple of tracks might just tickle you under your taint and make you appreciate the shoulder shrug handjobs you’ve come to accept from life.

 

Play on Repeat: “Pabst Blue Ribbon”

Skip: “Heart Attacks”

6. Maybe I’ll Catch Fire

“Maybe I’ll Catch Fire” as a whole is about on par with lackluster later offerings from the band, with the exception of album closer “Radio,” which has gone on to inspire two generations of overly-depressed tenth graders who are already convinced they will never find love.
Thus far we are unable to confirm whether or not the line “shaking like a dog shitting razor blades” is in any way connected to Skiba’s 1998 arrest for lewd conduct at Chicago’s Grant Park bark park.

 

 

Play on Repeat: “Radio.” Duh.

Skip: “You’ve Got So Far To Go”

5. Crimson

There is an old axiom that goes “you either die the hero or you live long enough to unironically wear a frilly Dracula shirt on stage like it’s just fucking cool or something.” This album represents the band diving headlong into the latter.
Despite all of the Allister Crowley bullshit the band found themselves sifting through at the time, the record itself is actually fairly strong. Tracks like “Mercy Me” and “Your Neck” showcase the band’s ability to write catchy pop-punk songs that still hold up today, even if the shirts remain a huge and unforgivable mistake.

 

Play on Repeat: “Mercy Me”

Skip: “The Poison”

4. This Addiction

A lot of people are probably gonna scoff at this one, and we really don’t give a shit. If you don’t like it then go write your own list. This one is ours and “This Addiction” is number 4. Go fuck yourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play on Repeat: “Lead Poisoning”

Skip: “Draculina”

3. Good Mourning

Before the band delved full-on into frilly Dracula shirt burnout, they dipped their toes into the serial killer end of the songwriting pool and penned “Good Mourning” – penned with a feather tip quill and a well full of blood from all three band members, at least one engineer who worked on the album, and a random intern who just happened to be in the wrong studio at the wrong equinox.
After cracking the Billboard Top 40, and several appearances on late night, it was easy for many longtime supporters of the band to scream sellout. It became far less easy for them however after several critics were awakened in the middle of the night to see a blood-spattered Derek Grant looming over them in their beds, silhouetted by a silver-lined full moon and gurgling at them in a language that had not been spoken in millennia.

Play on Repeat: “Emma”

Skip: “One Hundred Stories”

2. Goddammit

This album is almost perfect – and if you’re reading this then you already knew that. So let’s just call it like it is and all admit to ourselves that “Enjoy Your Day” is the whiniest goddamn song we’ve ever heard. We have to believe that at some point the rest of the band sat Dan Andriano down to bluntly tell him “you know you’re fucking up this record, right?” Andriano continues to refuse to comment.

 

 

 

Play on Repeat: “Clavicle”

Skip: “Enjoy Your Day.” Sorry, but this track really needs to be scrubbed from Alkaline Trio history entirely.

1. From Here To Infirmary

For some Alkaline Trio fans, “From Here To Infirmary” is the point where the band began turning away from their punk rock roots. However, any Alkaline Trio fan with a brain and a competent sexual track record will note the album as the perfect blend of dark punk ethos and pop showmanship. Though little is known of the behind-the-scenes goings-on during the recording, scattered sources have suggested that the album is the result of chaos magic combined with a deal the band signed at the crossroads. This would explain why drummer Mike Felumlee was sucked into a hell portal at Warped Tour shortly after recording was completed.

Play on Repeat: The whole damn thing.

Skip: How dare you even consider a skip job! Through the hell portal with you!

New Fall Out Boy Song Breaks LiveJournal Attempted Log-In Records

Posted on by Jose Balderas

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at the formerly popular blogging platform LiveJournal report that their website experienced a sudden spike in log-in attempts following the release of a new Fall Out Boy song last week.

“We had no idea Fall Out Boy planned on dropping a new song, and since their last three albums were duds we figured everyone had moved on. But this new song seems to have sparked something deep inside the people that spent so much time using LiveJournal in the mid-oughts,” explained developer Winston Kuma. “The entire site was brought to its knees from the number of people attempting to guess their old passwords unsuccessfully. Which then led to an overwhelming request for password retrievals. Our analysts noticed most were just variations of lyrics from ‘Dance, Dance.’”

Former long-time LiveJournal blogger, Mei Oski, was one of the thousands of self-declared “Elder Emos” who were caught up in the digital standstill.

“Hearing Fall Out Boy sound like their old selves immediately triggered a Pavlovian response in my hands to try and log back into my old LiveJournal account. I’ll never forget my username, XxMeloDramaticxX, but my password was always changing back then and I couldn’t which variation of ‘rawr’ and ‘meep’ I used,” said Oski. “I needed to log-in so that I could change my mood status to Pete and Patrick’s clever wordplay from the new track. But I also wanted to vent about that bitch, Darla, and her work-husband, Jesse, always up my ass about the latest deliverables on the project I’m managing.”

Experts are not expecting the sudden resurgence of LiveJournal to have any lasting effect on the tech space.

“What we’re seeing is the raw power that millennial nostalgia can have and, frankly, how destructive in nature it really is,” said Max Brown, professor of Millennial Nostalgia Studies at UC Berkeley. “They were the first to experience social media and aren’t as refined in reacting to moments like the younger generations are. Tech companies need to understand that nostalgia is the most powerful force fueling anyone between the ages of 30 and 45. It’s why I coach brands on how to carefully get their attention without accidentally unleashing their wrath, be it good or bad. But as more people, acts, and bands of that era begin their cyclical return to the spotlight we can only pray whichever medium is the target can handle that traffic.”

“Another Pete Wentz dick pick is the digital San Andreas fault we all have to always be mindful of,” he added.

As of press time, Fall Out Boy is preparing secret shows that will require the reactivation of an old T-Mobile Sidekick 3 to access entry.

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Oh Fuck: The Bad To The Bone Guitar Riff Started Playing As That Bearded Guy Entered the Room

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Me and the boys were just hanging out at our favorite dive bar like we do every night. Playing some cards, drinking some beer, and some good ol’ NRBQ playing on the jukebox. It’s a crowded bar like it is every night. Not crowded enough where you constantly have to shout to get the bartender’s attention, but crowded enough that every corner is filled with at least one guy chalking a pool cue.

Suddenly it happened. The jukebox stopped with a record scratch sound. Everyone having their conversations stopped at the exact same time. It began playing. THE RIFF. It is an ancient call known to strike the hearts of mortal men. A sound so pure of badassery that to possess such sound is to possess a power of the gods themselves.

The saloon doors swung open. My friend’s cigarette dropped from his mouth. Every patron looked at the doorway as if nobody has ever walked into a bar before. I certainly didn’t get this treatment when I walked into the bar. Of course, I didn’t have that sound come out of me. THAT SOUND.

He stood in the doorway for a minute. Salt and pepper beard, a couple of arm tattoos, and skin as leathery as a fine car seat. He looked around the room despite not looking for anyone in particular. He then did the most shocking button of it all. He put on sunglasses.

I know right? Sunglasses? Indoors? At night? This is the most alpha move I’ve ever seen. He must thrive in the darkness like the lone wolf he is.

So little is known about the bearded man and his Bad to the Bone-ness. He could be a villain in the search for a good guy. He could be some kind of an anti-hero like a cop who doesn’t play by the rules. He could also be someone who just recently spent weeks of lifting weights in his garage and now has a confidence makeover. Maybe he’s Major Payne. Maybe he’s a jerk who is about to learn his lesson by being turned into a dog and the Bad to the Bone is more of a pun.

Only one thing about this man is for sure. Once he exits this bar on his Harley, we’re all going to be hearing the song Born To Be Wild.

Fisting or Fist Fucking? 5 Grammar Tweaks That Will Make You Sound Smarter in Job Interviews

Posted on by Dan Rice

Nothing is worse than leaving a job interview that you spent weeks preparing for and wondering if an errant phrasing just blew the whole thing for you. “Did I say ‘like’ too much? Did I use a ‘me’ when I should have used an ‘I?’ Did I communicate my proclivity for stuffing my entire hand into a partner’s orifice effectively?” These are the post-interview thoughts that can keep you up at night.

Fear not, young urban professional. Follow these guidelines and you’ll rest easy knowing you put your very best foot (and fist) forward.

Instead of “Fisting” say “Fist fucking”
Yes, in a professional setting “fist fucking” is the way to go. It’s considered more formal to name the full act itself, and it avoids confusion. Let’s take a look at a sample interview to illustrate the difference.

Interviewer: Tell us about yourself, do you have any hobbies?
Candidate: I’m into fisting bitches, I guess you could call that shit a hobby.
Interviewer: Come again?

Notice that the interviewer has yet to learn what the candidate is saying. Fisting could mean fighting or binge-drinking cans of beer. The interviewer is confused. Let’s look at the same sample, but with a slight tweak.

Interviewer: Tell us about yourself, do you have any hobbies?
Candidate: I would say my primary hobby is fist fucking bitches.
Interviewer: That’s interesting, we could use that energy here at Google.

Instead of saying you’re “Hammered,” tell them you’re “Drunk out of (your) fucking mind” from partying till sunrise.
You want your interviewer to know how cool and drunk you are, but “hammered” just doesn’t sell it. “Drunk out of my fucking mind” is longer, so you can “chew the scenery” so to speak. Slow down, rub your temples, give them a moment to register the ruptured blood vessels in your eyes, and really make a meal out of every word in that sentence. Sell it right, and by the time you get to the word “mind,” they’ll be thinking “Tesla needs this person.”

Instead of “Pussy Hound,” refer to yourself as “Master in the fine art of getting trim”
You’re thinking “Aren’t those the same exact thing?” Well, yes, but a little resume padding never hurt anyone. A Fortune 500 company wants to know that you know how to sell yourself.

Instead of asking “Is it cool if I do a bump?” just do a bump.
Simply doing cocaine during a job interview instead of asking permission shows empowerment. It lets your potential new employer know you can make decisions for yourself and take initiative. Asking if it’s cool, on the other hand, shows a lack of confidence and a potential tendency toward redundancy and overthinking.

Instead of saying “Thank you for your time,” tell them “It’s been real, but I gotta get down to the dog fighting ring and see if I can dig myself out of this hole I’m in with Fats Guissepe, the crime boss.”
“Thank you for your time” is so sterile and boring. Your last impression is just as important as your first, so use it to tell your interviewer that your life is a rich and interesting tapestry of illicit activity and owing money to dangerous people.

Kraftwerk Asks Sound Guy if They Can Get More Beeps and Boops in Monitor

Posted on by Bobby Korec

DÜSSELDORF, Germany — Electronic quartet Kraftwerk asked the sound guy at a recent show if they could get more “beeps” and “boops” in the monitor, sources who asked if they could be more specific confirmed.

“I could hear the ‘blarps’ and ‘blomps’ perfectly fine, but the ‘beeps’ and ‘boops’ were not coming through at all,” said lead singer, keyboardist, and pocket calculator operator Ralf Hütter. “Our fans expect a certain level of mechanical excellence from us, so I don’t think being able to tell the ‘blonks’ from the ‘blerps’ and vice versa is a lot to ask. After all, we may look like your everyday Central European electronic band arbitrarily pressing buttons on our music boxes up there, but I assure you our music is like a computerized symphony. It’s much like Beethoven wanting to hear each ‘beep’ and ‘boop’ while playing ‘Piano Sonata No. 14.’ You need each note to fill out the symphony of sound.”

Longtime sound guy David Pemboldt didn’t quite know what to make of the unusual request.

“They didn’t blink or move the entire time we ran sound check, and I’m not sure if that’s a German characteristic or if lacking a human element was just sort of their thing,” said Pemboldt before checking his notes to remember how to turn on a monitor. “Since I didn’t know what the band was even talking about, I just pretended to fiddle with a bunch of the knobs on the soundboard to make it look like I was fixing the problem. I think it must’ve had some sort of placebo effect because all of the sudden they claimed they could hear each and every note with precision. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.”

Music critic Madeline Fryman noted that this wasn’t the first time a band had unique on-stage requirements.

“So many musical acts throughout history had kooky monitor-related needs,” said Fryman. “Devo always asked for more whip sound effects in their speakers. Gary Numan curiously only wanted to hear one single synth note for 60 consecutive minutes in his headset. And Liam Gallagher famously wanted zero Noel Gallagher in his monitor. These poor sound guys put up with a lot.”

At press time, Kraftwerk was seen asking the lighting guy if they can only use gray tones to “match their intensity” during the show.

Band Unaware Majority of Show’s Decent Turnout Due to Venue’s 50 Cent Wing Night

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y — Local indie rock band CupNChar were oblivious to the fact that the overwhelming turnout for their gig this weekend was actually due to the venue’s popular 50 cent chicken wing special, several runny-nosed sources report.

“I was stoked to see so many people come out for the release show for our new ‘WNWhy?’ record,” CupNChar frontman Zeke Wilson said while adjusting his Spin Doctors style hat. “The demographic was really diverse, too. We had our usual emotionless, lethargic 20-somethings who are our core fanbase, but also a huge amount of drunken frat boys decked out in Bills gear accompanied by an equal number of middle-aged truckers. The entire venue reeked of hot sauce and most people left when they ran out of chicken wings, but it was an all-around sick show!”

Bartender Jill Briar explained how she was relieved to have the wing night special land on the night of her shift.

“When I got to work, I anticipated a low-tip, boring-ass night with yet another shitty rock show,” Briar said. “But when I got word that it was also wing night, I realized I might actually make a couple bucks and this wouldn’t be a complete waste of my time. I would much rather deal with everyone smelling like Buffalo sauce and wet wipes than patchouli and beard oil. Plus, believe it or not, old trucker guys tip the best, even though they can be creepy and oftentimes covered in various oils of their own.”

Promoter Gene Black gave his inside perspective on this phenomenon.

“These double-booking situations happen a lot in a city with so few venues. One time, I booked a punk show on the same day as a police fundraiser,” Black explained. “I had no idea about it, but having Killacopia playing in the same venue as a bunch of cops raising money or some shit was kind of hilarious and resulted in some great people-watching. It ended on a sour note when the cops beat the shit out of everybody, but I got out of there just in time.”

Shortly after press time, CupNChar questioned why they hadn’t sold a single piece of merchandise to a packed house.

Gen Zer Keeps Collection of Concert Ticket PDFs on Old Phone in Shoe Box

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BIXBY, Okla. — Local 24-year-old Rylan Humphreys recently came across an old iPhone containing dozens of QR codes from various concerts and shows she’s attended, nostalgic sources confirmed.

“I was in my childhood bedroom looking for an ounce of weed I swear I stashed in the closet, when I found my memory box. Most of it was useless shit like my birth certificate and a prayer card from pop-pop’s funeral. But I also kept a practically ancient iPhone 10 with PDF tickets of all the concerts I attended throughout high school all just sitting there in my Apple Wallet,” explained Humphreys who has no recollection of 9/11. “All those old QR codes brought back a flood of amazing memories, like the time I watched Deadmau5 pretend to turn knobs for three hours, or the practically spiritual experience of watching a Tame Impala live-streamed pandemic concert from my living room.”

Humphrey’s 33-year-old sister Abigail was confused by her younger sibling’s wistfulness.

“Rylan made me swipe through QR codes on a dusty old phone for 10 minutes before explaining that ‘this was his whole adolescence.’ I really feel for these younger generations. I’m glad I got to experience life before technology ruined everything. We actually had to print out the PDFs of our concert tickets, and the MapQuest directions to the venues,” said the elder Humphreys. “I tried showing my concert ticket collection to Rylan but first I had to explain to her the concept of paper. When I got to the part about printer paper being essentially slices of trees, she laughed in my face and called it ‘some fantastical hobbit shit’ before walking away.”

Retired concert promoter Bennett “Bean Wallet” Dotson lamented how technology had changed the business.

“When I was a kid, if we wanted to see our favorite bands we had to scour telephone poles and coffee shop message boards all over town and hope we come across a stapled flyer before it got covered up by ads for guitar lessons and barely veiled escort services,” said Dotson. “Now everything is so damn convenient. Bands can use the internets to speak directly to their fans, making concert promoters and our 25% cut of what they make at the door a thing of the past. It’s a sad, sorry state.”

At press time, a completely baffled Humphreys still is unsure what to think after finding the liner notes from her mom’s copy of “OK Computer.”

Game Changer: Marvel Fans Are Taking Scorsese’s Criticisms Seriously Now That He’s Emerged From Seclusion Jacked as Fuck

Posted on by Dan Rice

Remember a while back when Martin Scorsese thought that directing a handful of the most highly regarded films of all time entitled him to voice his opinion on Marvel movies? Of course you do! You were so angry when he called Marvel movies “Fun, but not necessarily cinema” you practically ground your own teeth into powder! But if you’ve seen the veteran filmmaker today, you might just change your tune.

That’s right, simp Twitter has done a full heel turn on Scorsese after he posted a photo of his new, totally ripped body with the caption “Steve Rodgers eat your heart out.”

It looks like the legendary director has learned his lesson. You don’t get to have opinions about an art form just because you’ve been one of its chief vanguards for almost 50 years. You get to have opinions by getting jacked as fuck and claiming to have done it without steroids.

Let’s take a look at the top replies:

“Totally floored by this guy’s transformation. Take note: this is how you prove you’re qualified to criticize the #MCU”
– @WakandaHulk22

“I thought those fake digitized cigarette burns in “Werewolf by Night” were cool, but now that #Scorsese has pecs I see them as a thirsty embarrassment that Marvel should be deeply ashamed of.”
– @FeigeFan_97

“Martin Scorsese has muscles so he’s right, but Chris Hemsworth has muscles, and he’s in those movies? I think I better go lie down for a few days.”
– @RealLifeThor420

“This is why Sam Raimi was the wrong fit for the MCU: no bicep definition. #BuffScorsese”
– @TheScarletTwitch9

“With Tony Stark gone, the Avengers are going to need a new tech guy. Maybe Howard Hughs? #TheAviator #ScorseseStrong”
– @Elon_Muskrat666

“Aside from the fact that he’s old and white, Kumail Nanjiani is lookin like a straight-up snack and I am HERE for it!”
– @Spiderhorny_teen3

“Falcon and Taxi Driver. All I’m saying. #BuffScorsese”
@PunisherJedi69

“You can’t develop biceps like that at the age of 80 and be wrong about what constitutes high cinema. You just can’t.”
@NotmySheHulkxx

“It’s time for the Academy Awards to give Martin Scorsese a little recognition. Oh, they have?”
– @wokeHawkEye77

Review: Slayer “Show No Mercy”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album. This week we reviewed Slayer’s “Show No Mercy” because we decided to try cocaine again.

And man, we gotta tell you, this album fucking rips! Like, whoa! We don’t know what it was that made this record slap so hard for us but something about listening back to this… wait one second, we got an idea for a screenplay. Never mind, it’s gone now.

So, the album. What the hell can even compare to this fucking epic shit? Like, just the way Kerry King’s guitar is all weeeeee weeeeee wooooo weeeeee, woooooo woooo wooooo, scredily dee scredily dee, whamp whamp whamp!

Now that’s metal!

Actually, didn’t this band used to have a different bass player? We’re gonna Google it real quick. Wait, how do you spell “Slayer?” Is it with three ‘y’s? How do you make an umlaut on an American keyboard? Whatever, we forgot what our original question was anyway.

Man, this album is heavy. Not as heavy as rocks though. Rocks are notoriously heavy.

Hey how many pushups do you guys think we could do right now? Probably like a hundred. With one arm behind the back. And the other arm behind the front.

What are you looking at? Stop looking at us. What are we, the cover art for “Show No Mercy?” That’s something to look at! But seriously, if you don’t stop lookin’ at us we’re gonna punch you square in the mouth. Wanna test us? Keep looking!

You know we haven’t talked to Bryan in a while. You all know Bryan right? Maybe we should call him right now.

Oh shit. We’re feeling kinda woozy all of a sudden. Whoa, what happened? We think we need to go lie down for a bit.

Uh, yeah, Slayer. It’s, uh, good. Whatever. The album stopped playing like two hours ago and we still haven’t been able to agree on what to listen to next.

SCORE: %$ out of 4& ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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