GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Twin brothers Earl and Wayne Dunlap were chosen “Most Likely to Be Rhythm Section in Metal Band” by their fellow seniors, according to unsurprised sources at West Glenville High School.
“We don’t even play instruments!” exclaimed Earl Dunlap while feeding the twins’ pet snakes. “Everybody at that damn school judges us. Just because we’re twins, have long hair, and set the school record for suspensions doesn’t mean we’re going to be in a rock band together. Whatever, I guess it’s better than sophomore year when we were voted ‘Most Likely to Form a Regional Pro Wrestling Tag Team Whose Biggest Brush with Fame is Losing an Untelevised Preliminary Match before an Episode of WWE Smackdown.’ Our school has really specific superlatives.”
Although the twins questioned the student body’s selection, school administration endorsed the possibility that the twins would soon join a touring band.
“Honestly, whatever it takes to get those shitheads out of here,” bemoaned West Glenville High School principal Larry McDufferson. “I’ll take them to Sam Goody and buy them the instruments myself if I have to. When they aren’t fighting each other, they’re destroying the damn school. It’s the reason we’ve gone through five assistant principals in three years. Hell, the state shut down our metal shop program because they somehow built a fully operational ‘Twisted Metal’ style vehicle and used it to storm the football field.”
Despite their lack of musical talent or interest, experts agree that the Dunlap boys have a clear path to rock stardom.
“From Pantera to the Stooges to Every Time I Die, rock bands are full of siblings and, especially, sibling rivalries,” noted rock journalist Alison Redding. “Twins are even better! It doesn’t matter that they don’t play music yet. What’s more essential is that they despise each other. The archetypal role of twins in a rock band is to fight constantly until the band breaks up and they each join competing Dave Grohl side projects.”
As of press time, the twins were last seen drinking beer on the roof of the school as Principal McDufferson shouted at them through a megaphone.