GLADEWATER, Texas — Veteran law enforcement officer Denny Polumbock jocularly mentioned that the Gladewater PD “likes to have fun” just as they arrived at the capital punishment room while giving a tour of the station to a new hire, sources who were only forty percent kidding confirmed.
“I know these days a lot of those cancel culture fascists like to badmouth the boys in blue, but that’s just because they don’t see the lighter side of our jobs. That’s why we still keep this chair around – or as we call him, ‘Sparky Jim,’” explained Polumbock. “Sure, MSNBC will run iPhone footage of us beating up immigrants all day, but they never bother to show the looks of pure joy on everyone’s faces when we absolutely fry somebody. We even added stadium seating for our death spectators. It’s all about creating the perfect atmosphere for a good time.”
Rookie cop Mark Locke expressed a mixture of confusion and perverse interest following Polumbock’s remarks.
“You don’t expect to see a rig that advanced in a small town jail like this. Apparently they did a community fundraiser to buy the thing and everyone was so excited to finally turn it on. I mean, according to Denny, the station didn’t even have a radio until this year,” questioned Locke. “I must admit though, it is nice to see a department be so upfront about this sort of thing. I worked as a State Trooper for a couple years and those guys do all of their murdering real undercover. No show about it.”
Death-row convict Vance Coclear gave his perspective on his forthcoming execution.
“Someone call the ACLU! I was just arrested for loitering at Sbarro, I don’t deserve to die!” Coclear bellowed to an indifferent jailhouse. “This is barbaric! I can’t imagine what happens when someone commits an actual crime. Also, the cutesy name for the chair is just a slap in the face. If you’re going to 100% fully fucking kill me, could you at least take it seriously!”
At press time, Gladewater PD officers were preparing another prisoner to be executed by firing squad for the crime of humming a trademarked song without first acquiring the copyright.