VALPARAISO, Ind. — Voracious record collector Anson Tugliss once again mistook a large box of Laserdiscs at an outdoor market for LPs before it was too late, sources at the flea market confirmed.
“Damn it to hell, this always happens. I get too excited about seeing soundtracks for movies I never knew had vinyl releases. I was flipping through, all pumped and stuff…’Cabin Boy,’ ‘Mars Attacks!’ ‘George of the Jungle,’ stuff like that, y’know?” said Tugliss, while angrily cracking a rare disc of “Spice World” over his knee. “And then I pay the guy a huge wad of cash right before I realize, yet again, they’re of course Laserdiscs. Then all the guy can do is tap the ‘All Sales Final’ sign, before he taps the ‘We Don’t Sell Laserdisc Players’ sign. That guy’s got a sign for everything…”
Vendors at the Valparaiso Flea report initial confusion over the enthusiasm shown for the clearly worthless form of media.
“He’s got no case, he shouldn’t have been so inattentive. I wasn’t about to correct him, though. It’s tough to get rid of those things, especially these days. Everything he bought’s streaming free on Tubi as we speak,” said flea market vendor Harv Laemmle. “Next time I’ll try to trick him into taking some Betamax tapes too, and say that they’re regular cassettes and he’s just standing really close and his perspective’s off. I guarantee ya I could make that sale, the boy’s just that dim.”
Laserdisc CEO Ralph Rowlhutt stated he’s just glad to have the short-lived video format back in the public eye.
“Honestly, god bless that vendor for single-handedly keeping the Laserdisc economy flowing. Any day that Anson kid mistakenly buys a milk crate of my unwanted stock is another day that stock doesn’t end up in a secret landfill like all those ‘E.T.’ Atari games,” said Rowlhutt, from his tiny office. “I thank my lucky stars every day I decided to make Laserdiscs circular, and easily mistaken for records. I shudder at the thought of that coin landing the other way, and we had made them square. Scary to think about, sometimes that thought invades my nightmares and I don’t sleep for days.”
When contacted for a final statement, Tugliss stated he’s been playing the Laserdiscs on his turntable anyway, and even started to enjoy the resulting horrible screeching noises.