30 Self Defense Techniques Ranked by Their Effectiveness Against Disney Adults

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s an unfortunate reality that we live in a world where no space is truly safe. In a sudden altercation, there’s no time to think. That’s why you need to be ready and train yourself to react properly to an attack. No matter how secure you think you are, you never know when you’ll suddenly find yourself face to face with a predator, an unhinged lunatic, or worse yet, a full-grown adult who is inexplicably loyal to the Disney corporation.

The cognitive dissonance involved in being a woke progressive while simultaneously championing one of the most oppressive corporations in human history can make the Disney adult one of the most dangerous people you will ever encounter in a street situation. Here are 30 self-defense techniques ranked by how effectively they can neutralize one of society’s most annoying attackers.

30. Tell Them You’re Not Big On Disney

Sometimes all you need to deter a potential attacker or Disney fan is to set strong verbal boundaries. Project confidence and be clear on your intent. Let them know right away they picked the wrong victim to talk mouse with.

29. Make A Scene

Another thing that can scare an attacker off is attention. Wave your arms around and loudly tell everyone around you “Hey everybody! This guy just said ‘The magic of Disney’ to me sincerely! He wants to know my top 3 princesses, help!” With any luck, the potential Disney adult will crack under the heat and flee to a dark alley where they belong.

28. Ready Stance

Legs straight, toes pointing forward, feet shoulder-width apart. Hold your arms in front of your body, with closed fists and elbows slightly bent. Let your attacker know you’re ready to do whatever is necessary should they try to talk Disney at you.

27. Ninja Vanish

Even if you’re confident you can take your opponent, they’re bound to get in a few annoying lines of creepy corporate worship before you neutralize them. Always avoid conflict if you can. Distract them by pointing behind them and saying “Is that Prince Eric?” then become one with the shadows.

26. Palm-Heel Strike

Research has shown that even an adult who watches old episodes of “Zack & Cody” has enough cognitive activity to be deterred by blunt strikes to the chin. It’s sort of like punching a shark. It doesn’t do much damage, but they’ll instinctively swim off for an easier one-sided conversation about Splash Mountain.

25. Hammerfist 

If you’ve ever swung a hammer you can land this blow, and let your would-be conversation hijacker know that they’re in for a whole new world of pain if they don’t shut up about the benefits of season passes to “the kingdom.”

24. Fighting Without Fighting

Use your cunning. Tell the Disney adult that there simply isn’t enough room for your Disney talk style here. Point to a small rowboat off the pier, and suggest taking it to a small island where there is more room. Once they get in the boat, push it adrift. Hand the rope over to a pack of vengeful children who will delight in taunting a grown adult who happily shells out $300 for their own lightsaber.

23. Eye Gouge

If your opponent can’t see, they can’t access their photo album and prove to you that they have in fact met every legacy character at both Orlando and Anaheim.

22. Elbow Strike

In a street Disney adult situation, there is rarely time to think. Just bash the hardest part of your body into the softest spot on theirs you can find and run.

21. Alternative Elbow Strike

If you’re starting from the outside you can recruit your abdominals to give that elbow strike some extra power. They’ll be on the ground faster than you can say “You’re talking about a company that banned ‘ethnic’ hairstyles for their employees until like 2 years ago, stop loving them.”

20. Harry Potter/JK Rowling Combo

Most Disney adults are also Harry Potter fans, and this fake-out move exploits that. Casually mention the franchise, and just before they tell you which house they’re in, hit them with “Don’t you think it’s troubling to support a property created by a transphobic TERF like JK Rowling?” They’ll short-circuit like a robot trying to solve a riddle. Just watch out for the sparks.

19. Knee Strike

When you’re in a corner and someone is in your personal space praising CGI-laden live-action remakes of animated classics, there’s no time to think. You’re going to want to strike them with as much force as possible as fast as possible. A quick knee strike to the abdomen should incapacitate your corporate shill attacker long enough for you to run away and live happily ever after.

18. Push Kick

You’re enjoying a coffee at a cafe with a rainbow flag out front. You think you’re in a safe space. You’re approached by someone in a well-cultivated thrift shop garb and a “them/they” pin on the lapel of their coat. “What could go wrong?” you think. Suddenly, they ask how many times you’ve seen the latest movie by Disney, a company that shies away from making characters openly gay so that their films sell better in China. The push kick is your ticket to some much-needed distance between you and whatever the hell that’s all about.

17. Rear Naked Choke

Some people call Disney a cult and accuse their fans of being lemmings who would blindly jump off a cliff at the company’s behest. This is categorically false. Lemmings do not jump off cliffs. That is a myth created by the 1958 Disney nature documentary “White Wilderness” in which filmmakers threw lemmings off of a cliff and edited the footage to make it look like they jumped—that’s fucking true. If you’re cornered by someone who can turn a blind eye to that because the Lion King soundtrack “slaps,” you’re going to want them completely incapacitated as fast as possible, so go with a rear naked choke if you can pull it off.

16. Groin Strike (Knee)

You accidentally roll your eyes at the mention of the Marvel Cinematic Universe in front of the wrong person. Suddenly they’re an inch away from you demanding you name a more compelling villain than Thanos, the purple alien. Here are two more compelling villains for you: a quick knee to the groin and a fast getaway!

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Metallica Sues Bootlegger for Printing Coolest Looking Metallica T-Shirt Made in Past 35 Years

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ST. LOUIS — Members of Metallica, the biggest and undoubtedly most financially successful metal band of all time, are suing a 27-year-old fan for producing merchandise that looks cooler than anything the band has created since the late 1980s, greasy-haired sources report.

“After all these years these assholes are still making a buck off Metallica’s hard work and it drives me crazy, man,” said Metallica’s drummer Lars Ulrich. “These jerks standing outside the venue selling shirts a full $20 cheaper and a hell of a lot cooler looking than the stuff at our merch table are making it hard for us to make a living.  Their shirts have all the cool skulls and like, electrocuted dudes that everyone loves, our current shirts have our name with some fuzzy barbed wire and people at the merch table are embarrassed to sell it. It’s just frustrating to see someone attempting to challenge the integrity and reputation Metallica has kept all these years.”

Bootlegger Alex Ramirez says the true fans desire the classic style merch Metallica made in their heyday.

“Listen. It’s pretty simple: if Metallica made cooler merch, I wouldn’t have to make my own homemade t-shirts. It’s on them at this point,” Ramirez stated. “Seriously! How the hell can they honestly believe anyone is going to want to wear a shirt with that awful dogshit ’72 Seasons’ album cover on it? Let alone charge $50 bucks a pop! Fans want the old Pushead art, and I think I’m pretty good at imitating his work. They could always hire me to do graphic design for them, I’d love a chance to work with my favorite band. But right now the lawyers for Metallica are saying they want to bankrupt me and my entire family.”

Leading economist who specializes in the gig economy Rachel Hume explains how detrimental bootlegging merch can be to certain bands.

“It’s no secret bootlegging merch hurts bands. Some find it as sort of complimenting them and others see it as theft, and rightfully so,” Hume said. “But a band like Metallica can afford to lose at most $200 bucks from a shirt some kid spent hours on in their basement creating. How about some more ‘Harvester of Sorrow’ art on your shirts and less ‘LuLu?’ This is just a problem most bands who aren’t Metallica don’t typically have to deal with.”

At press time, Metallica issued a cease and desist order on a couple of parents who were caught singing the line “Hush Little Baby” to their newborn child.

Pro-Trump Courtroom Sketch Artist Keeps Drawing Former President as Jacked Superman While Testifying

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Veteran courtroom sketch artist, and self-proclaimed “MAGA diehard,” Terry Bonilla was reprimanded by county officials for continually drawing former President Donald Trump as Superman during his fraud trial, sources confirmed.

“I’m just drawing Trump exactly as I see him in court, with his biceps rippling after a long day of draining the swamp, his traps bulging through his suit jacket from carrying our Democracy on his broad shoulders, and don’t even get me started on the overwhelming bulge in his pants. God willing I’ll be able to sketch that treasure someday,” said Bonilla. “I was told to draw him ‘normal’ or else I’d be fired. But I really can’t draw him any other way, it wouldn’t be my truth. I was also told I needed to stop drawing Letitia James as the devil. It seems like Trump isn’t the only one under a gag order in this room.”

Court Stenographer Carolynn Aimes says it’s distracting working next to Bonilla.

“My job is to listen and type out what is being said by the prosecution and defense, but all day I can hear Terry scribbling on his notepad saying ‘Go get ‘em Donny’ under his breath. And any time Mr. Trump stands up Terry stands at attention and salutes,” said Aimes. “And any time the former president shifts in his chair or coughs or anything Terry starts pumping his fist like he’s cheering on the Knicks. I tried moving my chair the other day, but he set up behind me and kept talking about how our new angle really shows off Trump’s strong core.”

Lyle Hill, the owner and proprietor of a store dedicated to Trump memorabilia, hopes to get his hands on some of the courtroom sketches.

“I wish I could be in that courtroom supporting my president. Unfortunately, I have a few warrants and if I show up to the court I might not walk out. Either way, it brings a tear to my eyes to see Trump portrayed so accurately in media,” said Hill. “I’ve noticed that normal photographs of Trump don’t sell well. It turns out modern cameras can’t quite capture his muscle definition and stature. It takes a true visionary to draw Trump as the mountain of muscles we all see him as. I’ve been sending all the profits from my store to the Trump defense fund, I hope he comes by to visit when this all blows over.”

At press time, Bonilla was debating on how gigantic he should draw Ivanka Trump’s boobs while on the stand.

Punk Girl Scout Selling Loose Cookies at Show

Posted on by Rob Ryder

RICHMOND, Va. — Local Girl Scout Teresa Evans recently broke all regional sales records by selling single cookies at a Gutter Slug show, according to witnesses covered in Thin Mint crumbs.

“After years of selling cookies by the rules, I finally decided it was time for a new strategy,” said Evans of Troop 144. “Last year I sold 42 boxes of cookies, and our cut was like six bucks. The faceless corporation called ‘Girl Scouts’ takes all the profits and barely kicks anything back to the little girl on the street. But I’m not standing for it anymore. I realized that I could make a killing if I tapped into the local punk scene, they are a market the Scouts never target. At $3 a cookie, I’m getting damn near $100 a box, all profit. I’m not messing around.”

Gil ‘Roach’ Brewer, merch guy for Gutter Slug, witnessed the hustle and could only stand in awe as everyone spent all their cash on cookies.

“Friday nights I can usually sell quite a few t-shirts, maybe even a hoodie. But then I looked up at one point and everyone in the club was drawn to this girl. I just figured she showed up with a bottle of ludes, but then I said, that’s no pill, that’s a fuckin’ Thin Mint,” said Brewer while counting the measly singles left in his wallet. “She was stealing all my business, but when she broke out the Samoas, I couldn’t help myself. I gotta admit that’s a pretty genius idea.”

Melissa Gerrard, leader of Troop 144, is proud of her capitalist protegee.

“It’s the same shit, every year. Go out and sell, sell, sell. We’re out there on the streets slinging these cookies for weeks, and for what? A few extra dollars? This year, I just said ‘fuck it,’ I encouraged these girls to DIY this shit,” said Gerrard gleefully. “Teresa has always been quick on her feet and the idea fell out of her like a tooth hitting the most pit floor, it was no brainer. We now have plans to hit five more bars Saturday night, and you better believe we’ll be stocked with all your favorites.”

At press time, Troop 144 had sold 476 boxes worth of loose cookies for a profit of $44,353.

Not a Great Sign: This Orgy Involves a Lot of Pre-Fuck Chanting

Posted on by James Knapp

Well, this is not promising. The group sex hasn’t even started yet and already half the people in this candlelit chateau are already harmoniously chanting something that sounds like a hundred haunted tubas – which is not the noise anyone least wants to hear while they have their genitals out. Yep, I think I’ve made a huge mistake.

Also, that guy with the mardi gras mask in the corner is clearly filming this with his iPhone. Is no one here concerned about that?

I don’t know that this is the best way to start any sexual encounter, let alone one with multiple partners in a house of cold, cavernous marble halls and incredibly stainable upholstery. Is the chant supposed to be a warning? Or an invocation to the satanic deity of Scotch Guard for protection? I’m so confused.

Seriously, that guy’s not even trying to hide that he’s filming this. The flashlight is on and everything!

When I heard about this orgy I initially figured “Hey, why not? I’m free Wednesday afternoon.” But now that I’m here, taking a look at the fellow participants currently throat-singing a note tuned to a dull erection, I can tell that those are senators’ bodies under those velvet robes. I am really not looking forward to seeing who I get paired off with.

I really assumed you all would give more of shit about allowing photography in here. What kind of clandestine fuckfest is this anyway?

Alright, well, since no one else seems all that bothered by anything that’s happening I guess I’ll just let it go. Y’all can make love with whoever you want and repetitively enunciate whatever sickening noises you can come up. Me though? I’m getting the eyes-wide-fuck out of here before anyone asks me for a password or to do a complex secret handshake with my penis.

And tell that guy with the iPhone to AirDrop me that video. I have a feeling I’m gonna be doing a lot of blackmailing after this.

Metal Singer Practices Screaming Simply By Trying To Have Normal Conversation In A Bar

Posted on by Alec Walker

SALT LAKE CITY — Local Metal Singer Caleb Blackburn recently found that the secret to honing his screaming skills is to attempt to have any sort of meaningful interaction in a bar, multiple sources confirmed.

“I need my voice to be in tip-top shape for our band’s upcoming album. We’ve been building a lot of hype in the local scene and there are upwards of 11 people really looking forward to it,” said Blackburn while smoking his fifth cigarette of the morning. “Bars are the perfect environment to really craft my style. Where else do you have to fight so hard just to be audible that it’s almost not worth the $20 dollar drinks and permanent hearing loss? Sound familiar? Yeah, concerts are the exact same thing. It’s like training for a marathon in Nepal.”

Bar frequenter, Dillon McPherson, was impressed by Blackburn’s commitment,

“I think he was hitting on me, or maybe trying to sell me something. I woke up the next morning with his band’s business card, but the card had lipstick on it. I’m not sure what that means,” said McPherson, dialing the number on the card. “Either way, it was so cool how many times he repeated what he was saying after I couldn’t hear him. I think I said ‘What?’ like 50 times, and when I finally gave up and said never mind, he grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me, and his lips read ‘NO, I NEED THIS.’ Not impressive enough to get me to listen to his music, but I admire the effort.”

The bar owner, Daniela Wolf, is just happy to be helping out artists,

“Caleb came over to me to thank me, I think, but I couldn’t hear a single thing he was saying,” said Wolf, or, at least that’s what she tried to say, but she just mouthed the words. I’m pretty sure she just can’t hear anything anymore. “I listened to old Avenged Sevenfold and Pantera as a kid, so my dream was to create a space where people could feel unheard. I feel like I’ve done that here. The amount of people I see leaving here to go have sex with each other without having heard a word of their own conversation is inspiring.”

At press time, ‘Closing Time” was blaring throughout the bar, and Blackburn headed home in an Uber, where the driver wished he would shut up.

“Breaking Bad” Characters Ranked By How Effective They Would Be as a Spokesperson for the D.A.R.E. Program

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Turns out, D.A.R.E. is more than just a t-shirt worn by people who do drugs recreationally. It’s also an education program aimed at deterring kids from smoking pot and snorting cocaine. For some reason, cops are always involved in it too. Weird.

It seems like it takes a lot of gumption or at least a middle school-level education to become an effective and convincing spokesperson for the program. You might also have to know some details about drugs. That’s why we ranked pretty much all characters from “Breaking Bad” by how well they’d handle spokespersonship duties.

50. Jack Welker

Uncle Jack’s swastika tattoo on his neck will only freak out the kids, but it’d make a good impression with the local police force he’d be working with. They’ll mainly want to know if it hurt when he got it, but in a way that asks, “Where can I get one?”

49. Krazy-8

No fully formed adult who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches can convince me that they are capable of functioning in a normal society that has programs meant to deter children from using heroin in fourth grade.

48. Elliot Schwartz 

Elliot is a huge dork. Plus he’s rich. No one is going to listen to guys like that, especially not children or other adults. We see right through their bullshit.

47. Kenny

Kenny is part of Jack’s white supremacist gang who once talked about the urge to “smack the shit” out of a kid when he sees them wearing a bicycle helmet. Childhood safety is just not front and center for this guy.

46. Diane Pinkman

Both of her sons use drugs, so she’s not terribly effective at deterring young people from smoking pot and meth. If anything, she inadvertently encourages it just by her presence.

45. George Merkert

This man is dull as hell. He’s one of those characters on a show who no one bothers to make a “best of” compilation on YouTube. That’s how little impact he had on us. That sort of forgettable quality will carry over into his D.A.R.E. spokesperson duties.

44. Bogden Wolynetz

Talking to children about the dangers of drugs is just like being a proprietor of a modestly successful car wash. At least that’s what Bogdan believes. Unfortunately, these kids are going to be bored the entire time, which will only make the drugs sound more appealing.

43. Donald Margolis

This guy can’t even handle the news that his daughter died. How is he supposed to deal with the stress of giving a speech to elementary school kids?

42. Declan

The Phoenix meth distributor looks like he listens to Joe Rogan’s podcast, so he’ll mainly talk to the children about DMT. Unfortunately, the kids already heard these stories from the police officers who spoke before him because they also like Joe Rogan. These students really can’t catch a break.

41. Clovis

Badger’s cousin operates a towing and vehicle repair service. On the surface that has nothing to do with D.A.R.E. leadership. But if you dig deeper, it still has no similarities. Clovis is out of his element here.

40. Gretchen Schwartz

If anyone is going to get through to these kids, it’s not going to be Gretchen. What a narc.

39. Dr. Delcavoli

Dr. Delcavoli is Walt’s physician and one of the top 10 oncologists in the US. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have many discernible personality traits. If you’re going to be a part of this program you’re going to need a thing the students can make fun of.

38. Patrick Kuby

In 2001, the Surgeon General placed the D.A.R.E. program in a category called “Ineffective Primary Prevention Programs.” This is what Patrick will mainly focus on while promoting the program.

37. Skyler White

All of the kids, parents, and administrative personnel would unjustifiably detest Skyler for some reason, and they’d unrelentingly talk shit about her online. But she’s just doing her best to keep the program together despite others’ attempts to thwart it from the inside.

36. Emilio Koyama

Emilio was Jesse’s original partner as a methamphetamine purveyor before Pinkman went with someone a little more his dad’s age. Not sure how Emilio would handle kids, but he didn’t seem to take Jesse’s departure well. You need emotional intelligence to peddle meth and talk to kids about drugs.

35. Walter White Jr.

Walter Junior goes by Flynn now. It is unclear why someone would go with a worse name as their alias. He can’t be trusted.

34. Eladio Vuente

Being a member of the cartel means you know a thing or two about drugs. Mainly the enterprise side of it. The kids will inadvertently learn about illegal businesses and he will inspire a handful of budding drug lord entrepreneurs in the process. This is not what the D.A.R.E. program is all about. No one knows for sure what it’s exactly about.

33. Marie Schrader

Every garment of clothing Marie wears will be a shade of purple. Even her shoes. This will be distracting. Most of the questions at the end of her presentation will be about her one-note fashion choices. Rightfully so.

32. Christian “Combo” Ortega

Combo thinks this is a pro-drug seminar, so he’ll speak directly to the children about the benefits of meth. While this is effective, it’s not part of the assignment.

31. Carmen Molina

Carmen is the principal of a school. Kids are more likely to listen to the janitor of the school than the leader of it. Unless of course you’re a nerd student. In which case, you’re probably never doing drugs anyway.

30. Group Leader

This guy basically does this kind of thing for fun. However, he’s mainly dealt with adults who are trying to kick drugs to this point. He’ll have a tough road ahead of him if he wants to convince kids to stop using drugs they’re not even taking yet.

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Primus and Puscifer to Co-Headline Unbearable Tinder Date Convention

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

COLUMBUS, Ohio —Notoriously weird bands Primus and Puscifer announced a joint headlining show at an upcoming Unbearable Tinder Date Convention which expects to draw thousands of longwinded men, sources already groaning sarcastically report.

“I am over the moon to be partnering with Primus, the beacons of annoying men everywhere, to share our collective genius with the prestigious attendees of this fine convention,” said Puscifer frontman Maynard James Keenan. “For too long the public has been bereft of our joint sounds, the mingling of ideas, the Venn Diagram between high-concept alternative rock and funk metal. While I am notoriously disgusted with contemporary celebrity culture, I cannot deny my excitement to be working so closely with Mr. Claypool, as he is a legend among stoners and snobs alike. What an incredible opportunity.”

Those who have purchased tickets for the convention are already expressing their excitement for the headlining bands.

“I put $65 to the side every week, which is the money I saved by not going on dates, in order to buy tickets for this convention. I was already excited by the thought of meeting like-minded men who are unlucky in love, but this addition has me over the moon,” said 38-year old Louis Saulter while rearranging his katana collection and taking a hit from a “Rick and Morty” bong. “This is going to give me material to talk over my Bumble date about for the next six months, easy. I plan on recording both sets in their entirety and reviewing the footage before meeting any ladies at the local sushi buffet, just so each detail is fresh. She’s going to be an expert on their discographies by the time she walks out on me.”

Relationship counselor Katherine Kowalski provided her expert insight regarding bands of this nature.

“Listen, in my practice, I have a binder of what I refer to as ‘red flag’ bands,” said Kowalski while gesturing to a massively overstuffed three-ring binder. “I spend a lot of time with young people sussing out potential partners explaining to them that any guy who shows up to a first date wearing a Tool shirt is going to be a waste of time. Or any Maynard project, frankly, even though Puscifer is somehow the most palatable of them all. The men going to this convention don’t stand a chance.”

At press time, Saulter was seen livestreaming the daily feeding of his pet iguana.

Punk in Airplane Spots Smokable Cigarette Butt 33,000 Feet Below

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

OKLAHOMA CITY — Punk fan Tamara Washington recently saw a perfectly smokable cigarette butt on the ground from more than 33,000 feet in the air while on flight UAL2226 from Newark to Los Angeles, according to impressed and slightly concerned sources.

“I saw it clear as day. It was definitely a Marlboro Red, Camel, or maybe even USA Gold. Something with a brown filter,” said Washington as she drew anarchy logos all over the safety instructions brochure. “I can see cigarette butts from miles away, even at night. I also smell beer open cans for a three-block radius, and hear spare change from even further than that. My friends say I’m like a punk rock superhero, but fuck that shit. ASAB, all superheroes are bastards.”

Wilfred Darius sat next to Washington on the cross-country flight.

“What’s crazy is she wasn’t even in the window seat.” said Darius while desperately trying to get more air to come out of his pointy little vent. “She was restless the whole flight, constantly drumming on her lap and asking me if I had any games on my phone. A of a sudden she nearly lept out of her seat, leaning over me and staring at the earth below with wide-eyed excitement. She said there was nearly half a cigarette on the ground down there, and it wasn’t even wet or anything. I don’t know if she expected the plane to turn around so she could grab it, or if she’s going to make her way back there after we land, or what.”

United Airlines flight attendant Germaine St. Lawrence says that punks have become a nuisance-in-the-sky in recent months.

“I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” said St. Lawrence while passengers waited for him to stop blocking the aisle with the beverage cart so they could pee. “They’re pasting fliers in the bathroom, setting up squats in the emergency aisle, and there was even a full-blown show one night. How they got that many instruments through security and onto the plane is beyond me. And frankly, I know they didn’t pay for all those plane tickets themselves.”

At press time, Washington was seen making her way towards a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage just outside baggage claim.

Opinion: Son, I Love You, But I’m Going To Need You To Stop Saying “Sweet Beans”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Son, you know that I love you, but we need to sit down and talk about something. The language you’ve been using around the house is upsetting both your mother and me. We just can’t ignore that you keep saying “sweet beans” in front of us.

Look, I understand. I’m sure I said plenty of wild things when I was a kid. I used to think things were “dope,” “the bomb,” or even “wicked” when I was visiting my friends at Emerson. Hell, I can still remember when the 2007 classic “Hot Rod” came out. My friends and I said “cool beans” for weeks after that, but it stopped there. We never let it get this bad. There’s a line, and I think you’ve crossed it.

I’m just worried this could lead to more embarrassing phrases. I don’t want this to find its way into significant moments in your life that you’ll later live to regret. Son, I dream of the day you’ll get married, and we get to watch your bride walk down that aisle. But so help me God, if you say “My Wife” in a Borat voice on that day, I promise you, I will take you out of the will faster than you can say “Shagadelic baby!”

I know you were probably just getting carried away, but we need to nip this in the bud. I remember when I was your age. Skateboarding was really big, and people would make videos doing tricks and stunts. Long story short, I thought it would be a good idea to light my buddy’s skateboard on fire and film him as he jumped through a hula hoop, which was also on fire. Needless to say, it didn’t end well, and that’s why your Uncle Tommy wears hats a lot. But my point is, it’s easy to take things too far, and this is kind of like that, except what you’re doing is kind of worse in my eyes. Like, it’s just really uncool.

Anyway, I think you get what I’m saying. So, good talk, son. Sweet dreams. Don’t let the bed bugs bite. And for the love of everything holy, don’t accidentally AirPlay whatever it is you’re looking at on Reddit to the TV again. We just want to watch “Love Is Blind” in peace and enjoy the illusion that you’re still our sweet little boy.