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Opinion: Son, I Love You, But I’m Going To Need You To Stop Saying “Sweet Beans”

Son, you know that I love you, but we need to sit down and talk about something. The language you’ve been using around the house is upsetting both your mother and me. We just can’t ignore that you keep saying “sweet beans” in front of us.

Look, I understand. I’m sure I said plenty of wild things when I was a kid. I used to think things were “dope,” “the bomb,” or even “wicked” when I was visiting my friends at Emerson. Hell, I can still remember when the 2007 classic “Hot Rod” came out. My friends and I said “cool beans” for weeks after that, but it stopped there. We never let it get this bad. There’s a line, and I think you’ve crossed it.

I’m just worried this could lead to more embarrassing phrases. I don’t want this to find its way into significant moments in your life that you’ll later live to regret. Son, I dream of the day you’ll get married, and we get to watch your bride walk down that aisle. But so help me God, if you say “My Wife” in a Borat voice on that day, I promise you, I will take you out of the will faster than you can say “Shagadelic baby!”

I know you were probably just getting carried away, but we need to nip this in the bud. I remember when I was your age. Skateboarding was really big, and people would make videos doing tricks and stunts. Long story short, I thought it would be a good idea to light my buddy’s skateboard on fire and film him as he jumped through a hula hoop, which was also on fire. Needless to say, it didn’t end well, and that’s why your Uncle Tommy wears hats a lot. But my point is, it’s easy to take things too far, and this is kind of like that, except what you’re doing is kind of worse in my eyes. Like, it’s just really uncool.

Anyway, I think you get what I’m saying. So, good talk, son. Sweet dreams. Don’t let the bed bugs bite. And for the love of everything holy, don’t accidentally AirPlay whatever it is you’re looking at on Reddit to the TV again. We just want to watch “Love Is Blind” in peace and enjoy the illusion that you’re still our sweet little boy.