NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump proudly declared that unlike Robert F. Kennedy Jr., his brain worms were still alive and “very strong,” sources confirmed during a brief recess at his hush money trial.
“Did you hear RFK’s brain worm died? Very sad…many people are talking about how weak his brain worm was. I wouldn’t know, I saw a doctor yesterday and you know what he said? Mr. President, you have the strongest and most brain worms I’ve ever seen,” said Trump, pointing to a supporter holding a ‘Make Brains Wormed Again’ sign. “It was so big he had trouble telling what was worm and what was brain, it was very impressive to him. He said RFK’s pathetic brain wouldn’t survive five minutes with my worms. Maybe I’ll show you. Should I show you the brain worms, folks?”
Trump supporters quickly rallied to get their own brain worms to support the former President’s ongoing campaign for a second term.
“We heard you loud and clear Mr. President, and I’ll proudly answer the call by getting my own TrumpWorm. I’m calling on every true patriot out there to help Donald Trump drain the swamp by drinking #swampwater4trump,” said MAGA patriot Blake Corman, filming himself dunking his head into a stagnant golf course pond and uploading it to Truth Social. “There’s a ton of scientific evidence out there that explains the benefits of brain worms. Humans only use ten percent of their brains, but this astrozoologist on Joe Rogan explained that brain worms eat away at the barrier tissue that helps you access more raw brain power.”
Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. quickly fired back against Trump’s assertions that his brain worm died because it was feeble and unpresidential.
“My brain worm was not weak and small, it was so big that Timothee fucking Chalamet could have ridden it across my brain,” said an enraged Kennedy Jr., snorting more worms from a medical vial. “In fact, I’ve just ingested several more brain worms and any one of them would mop the floor with Trump’s brain worms on the debate stage. So how about it, Donald? You and me, wormo a wormo at the Libertarian National Convention. No, that’s too easy for someone of my worm’s intellect—I’ll cut it in half and have each end debate Trump and Biden’s brain worms at the same time.”
At press time, vials of TrumpWorms were already available on sale for a low price of $399.99 on Trump’s website.
Ruth-Anne’s no-nonsense attitude and maternal warmth would endear her to Sub Pop, but her music would likely be too wholesome for the label’s grunge aesthetic. She’d be better suited to the coffeehouse circuit, singing heartfelt ballads about community and friendship.
Holling’s rugged charm and life experience could earn him a spot on Sub Pop, but his music would lean more towards traditional folk, with songs about love lost and the wisdom gained from decades of living in the wilderness. He would do better on a label like Topic Records.
With his eclectic taste in music and penchant for philosophical musings, one might think Chris would be Sub Pop’s poster child. However, even after he inundated Sub Pop with a mountain of demo tapes, he would swiftly be sniffed out as a poser. He would fit better in one of the “post-grunge” bands like LIVE or Candlebox when major labels went on a feeding frenzy signing bands and the genre got bloated.
Shelly’s bubbly personality and love for all things kitsch would land her a gig on Sub Pop, but she’d likely be relegated to novelty songs about moose burgers and quirky small-town life played on a ukulele. When her music career floundered, she would pivot to acting in films directed by the likes of Wim Wenders and Gus Van Sant.
Maurice’s entrepreneurial spirit and determination get him a deal in no time, but his music would be more like corporate rock, complete with ballads about rugged Alaskan landscapes and the power of capitalism. His album would tank but he would use his connections to start managing other Sub Pop bands only to disappear with all their money.
Joel’s neurotic tendencies might not scream rock star, but his fish-out-of-water experiences in Cicely could inspire some poignant indie songs. Think acoustic ballads being a New Yorker in Alaska. His music wouldn’t do well at the time and he would go back to being a doctor in Seattle. However, he would be rediscovered in the early 2000s and become a talking head for countless documentaries about music in the 1990s.
Maggie’s tough exterior and love for the outdoors might make her seem like a good fit for Sub Pop, but her music would probably be too earnest and mainstream for the label’s taste. Her anger would soon volcano, leading to a fallout with the label. She would return fronting a Riot Grrl band on the Kill Rock Stars label. They would have one massive hit but struggle to make waves again. She would use her fame as a one-hit wonder to push for equality for female musicians.
Marilyn’s enigmatic presence and deep connection to her Native American heritage, would likely find herself amid Cicely’s grunge scene. However, her reserved nature and mysterious aura might make her a bit of an outlier in the Sub Pop world. While she might not be the most obvious candidate for a Sub Pop signing, her introspective lyrics and haunting melodies could certainly find a niche audience within the label’s diverse roster.
Ed’s quirky personality and love for Native American culture would make him a cult favorite on Sub Pop. He’d blend traditional drumming with distorted guitar riffs, creating a sound that’s both mystical and grungy. He would become one of the giant stars of the grunge scene with his name listed among Cobain, Cornell, and Vedder. However, his naivety would allow him to become taken advantage of and the musician lifestyle would quickly catch up with him. He would flame out in spectacular, public fashion only to retreat back to Cicely and never make public appearances again. Until 2012 when he would release an acoustic album and do a single performance at Riot Fest.
