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Steve Albini Standing Outside Gates of Heaven Telling Everyone How Much He Hates the Smashing Pumpkins

PEARLY GATES — Legendary musician, producer, and music journalist Steve Albini spent the first few moments of his afterlife ranting about how bad the Smashing Pumpkins suck to other souls waiting to enter into the divine kingdom of Heaven, sources confirmed.

“Yeah I’m dead, so what. That doesn’t change the fact that Billy Corgan is a corporate stooge who would run over his own grandmother with a luxury tour bus if it meant he could sell a few more albums. And don’t get me started on his little band that appeals to the lowest common denominator of ‘music fan’ who couldn’t be more happy to listen to mainstream rock radio and jerk off in their Jeep,” said Albini. “If I wanted to listen to butt rock I’d hang out with my aunts in Myrtle Beach for the weekend. If anyone associated with the Smashing Pumpkins ends up here in Heaven then please send me straight to Hell.”

Helen Abraham, a grandmother of nine who passed away peacefully in her sleep earlier today, was one of the first people to interact with Albini on a new plane of existence.

“When I realized where I was I got a little sad thinking about the people I left behind, then I remembered all the people I’d get to see again and my mood changed. But then this man with glasses shuffled over to me and started talking about how some man named Billy was a gross opportunist,” said Abraham. “I told him I have a grandson named Billy and then the man spit on the ground and said it was a dumb name that lacked creativity. It was quite upsetting, I hope once I get inside I can avoid him. I don’t want to be stuck in an orientation with him.”

The ancient deity Janus, who presides over the heavenly gates, admits they have developed techniques to limit interactions with opinionated souls entering the gates.

“Whenever we get a talker I’ll say something like ‘Wow, that’s crazy’ and then yell about how everyone needs to make a single file line. That usually buys me a minute or two and then I open my ancient scroll and pretend I’m doing clerical work,” said Janus. “If they keep trying to talk to me then I’ll make something up about how the doors of Heaven only operate in silence. It’s an incredibly boring job, I think it might actually be my own personal version of Hell and I’m not sure what I did to get here.”

At press time, Albini was seen running towards a giant heavenly poker table.