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Make-A-Wish Kid Visited by Local Bassist Realizes Life Could Be Much Worse

HOUSTON — Local Make-A-Wish kid Harvey Larkin, who has a rare degenerative disease that will certainly put an end to his short, unfulfilled life, realized that things could actually be a lot worse after witnessing the sad existence of a bassist who recently visited the hospital, according to sources not sure who to pity.

“I’ve been pretty down for a while, wondering what I did to deserve this fate,” gasped the eight-year-old Larkin as he struggled with his oxygen tank. “Then just as my depression deepened, we were visited by a bassist from a band nobody’s ever heard of. He was so pathetic that it instantly filled my heart with pride. Pride that I wasn’t him. He reminded me of my old stepdad because he reeked of tobacco and booze. And I know a lot of us in this wing often have piss stains on our pants because we’re sick, but I’m not sure what his excuse was. Sure, I’m likely going to croak soon but that guy will always be a bassist.”

Cooper Wiley, bassist of prog rock band Blue Rhapsody, had a different perspective of the event.

“Knowing the profound difference my music makes is why I do what I do,” said Wiley. “I visit every so often to heal the children’s broken spirits with the musical gifts God gave me. You should have seen the look on their gaunt little faces when I played a special song I wrote called, ‘Heaven’s Got an Airbnb Waiting for You.’ Even though I’ve played dozens of venues over the years, nothing’s more important than coming here to cheer up these kids. Plus, some of their moms are pretty hot and in a very vulnerable state.”

Hospital Chaplain Father Seamus Doherty explained the positive impact musicians have on people facing mortality.

“In my experience there’s no better way to uplift someone than by introducing them to a pitiful musician. There are fates worse than death,” Father Doherty expressed. “Most of the patients over the years have felt much better after seeing another artist stumble their way through a dog-shit song they thought was inspiring. There was one patient who was having a very difficult time accepting his diagnosis until he saw a performance by a lame ska band called Checkered Out. He basically died laughing, which is the best any of us can really hope for in this life.”

At press time, Larkin was seen walking around the hospital trying to raise donations for the bassist.