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Wow, This White Rapper Raps Really Fast! But Not Fast Enough to Get a Bar Off Before I Skip the Song

To the white guy wearing Jordan 1 mids while holding dual-citizenship in Tech N9ne’s DMs, it’s time for us to have a conversation about the inevitable horrors you’re about to inflict on that microphone sitting in the fully-furnished basement of your parents’ five-bedroom home. Why am I crushing the dreams you’ve had since you discovered J. Cole your freshman year in high school, then got mad when he said “cracker” but learned to love him again, you might ask? Well, I nearly died driving to work this morning trying to skip a song that you, God forbid, in the future are probably bound to make.

Do you know how hard it is to skip a song where the dude rapping is writing bars on graph paper? Who complains about how he can’t understand Playboi Carti before rapping the alphabet backward at lightning speed? You’re probably asking, “how did you know that the song you skipped was going to be one of those, though?” Look, I saw the cover. One glance is all I needed. The patchy beard, the logoless snapback, the pleather jacket over a zip hoodie with that Kohl’s rope chain––it was all there.

I could hear it in my head, that weirdly nasally voice rapping, “I’m getting faded like Travis Kelce, they won’t ever bless me, they question me because of my caucasity, hate me because I’m whiter than Rick James’ nasal cavity” in quadruple time over a royalty-free Kendrick type beat, I reached for that dial so quick that I nearly got pinned by a semi-truck. I mean, that’s the thing, though. If you’re gonna do the whole, “look at me, I rap fast” thing, you have to be faster than my hand. If you’re not faster than my hand, it’s over. Busta Rhymes? Faster than my hand. Twista? Faster than my hand. Eminem? Occasionally faster than my hand.

To top it all off? It just feels racist. Like when you see too many American flags in someone’s lawn or they have that weird orange tan with blue eyes. That interview where he said his favorite rappers were Eminem, Logic and Jack Harlow I was like, “oh, that’s an unusual coincidence. When he also mentioned “half of Drake,” that was kind of weird too. But, when he said he didn’t know Paul Wall? That sealed the deal for me, I knew he was racist.

But, like I said, at the end of the day, my hand’s just too quick. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Yeat type beats to write over.