Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Roguelike Fan Also Starts Each New Day With Nothing

Posted on October 14, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

ANKENY, Iowa — Unemployed and recently single roguelike enthusiast Daryl Cain says that he feels a strong connection to the genre, because he also starts every new day with nothing.

“Games like Spelunky 2 are so comforting to me,” said Cain, who hours earlier had sluggishly lifted his body out of his bed like Zagreus in Hades after dying. “Everytime you die in a roguelike, you just start again from the top with no upgrades or anything. It’s kind of like when I wake up in the morning and stare blankly in the mirror, realizing that I just don’t have anything going for me right now. Damn.”

In order to fill the deafening silence of his apartment, Cain began playing Spelunky 2 obsessively. He’s already been able to progress several levels through the game and says he feels like his skills are improving, unlike his real life.

“I broke things off because it just felt like he was getting nowhere, you know?” explained Cain’s ex-partner, Nell Duffey. “To use one of his own metaphors, at least in Hades you get a little bit better with every run. I just wasn’t seeing that sense of progression in our relationship anymore.”

Since losing his job, Cain says he’s gotten in a repetitive cycle of waking up each day, applying for dozens of jobs, playing a few hours of Rogue Legacy 2, going to sleep, and starting over the next day. Cain notes that he has yet to land an interview for a single job he’s applied for, but he believes this problem can be remedied if he just unlocks some new items and equipment for his apartment by doing some online shopping.

“We’re really worried about him, but we know he’ll bounce back,” Cain’s mother Nancy said. “We’ve always taught him that if at first you don’t succeed, you get up and try again. And then again. And again, until you have tried hundreds of times with no hope of success and just eventually decide to quit altogether.”

At press time, Cain reportedly woke up for a new day, immediately stubbed his toe, and then headed back to bed announcing that he was killing his run for the day.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Conservative True Crime Podcast Enters Fourth Season Only Covering Abortion

Posted on October 14, 2020 by Amir Adan

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Conservative true-crime podcast “Roe vs. Pod” will maintain its sharp focus on legal and safe abortions as the show enters its fourth season of production, the show’s host confirmed.

“While most true crime shows focus on brutal murders of beauty queens struck down in their prime, we are making a show that focuses on the lives that could have eventually become beauty queens if their parents hadn’t been murderous sinners,” said host and lifelong pro-life advocate Peter Taylor. “People sometimes point out that because abortion isn’t a crime in America, we shouldn’t be classed as a true-crime podcast — all I’ve got to say is the Bible says it’s a crime. At least, I think it does, so that’s what I’m going with.”

Fans are awaiting the show’s return, claiming they miss listening while screaming “Murderer!” at young women going to Planned Parenthood for checkups.

“I heard the trailer for season four, and it’s all about a woman who had to drive seven hours to murder one of God’s children. The fact she isn’t in jail is such a travesty,” said enthusiastic fan Britney Davidson. “I was introduced to the show last year, and I fell in love with it right away — I’m so tired of all of this godless, liberal media with no morals telling me what’s right and wrong. They do nothing but lie to us! Like now, they’re trying to tell us abortion is only a small portion of what Planned Parenthood does? I’m not buying it. The blogs I follow all say that Planned Parenthood are selling baby parts to the Clintons, and that makes me sick.”

Critics aren’t as thrilled with the podcast, calling the show “gross” and “in poor taste.”

“In all of the years that I’ve listened to podcasts, I’ve never heard anything quite like this before,” said podcast reviewer Joseph Little. “A particularly shocking episode was one where the host followed, harassed, and doxxed a 16-year-old who was going to her local clinic for birth control. The segment had creepy amounts of detail, like when she had her first period, and even when she had her first kiss. This man is very clearly unwell, and his podcast is a testament to it.”

The show will be airing its season premiere this week, and fans can expect to hear Taylor’s statement on the controversy surrounding his wife’s recent abortion, in which he’s expected to remark that his situation is “different” and that “it would have been just such a huge inconvenience for him and his family to have a kid right now.”

Family Reports Home Invasion by Twisted Sister

Posted on October 14, 2020 by Jason VanSlycke

MILWAUKEE — A feral hair-metal band identifying itself as Twisted Sister broke into the home of and terrorized a local family yesterday, ultimately leaving the father stranded on the front lawn, according to police reports.

“We were having a nice quiet night at home, when all hell broke loose — not only was I locked out of my house, but I was forced to attempt a number of cartoonish stunts to get back in,” reported family patriarch Douglas Cee. “Admittedly, I’d relapsed into my toxic masculinity due to work stress and my family suffered for my behavior, but to be stranded on your own lawn while your children are watching is so traumatic, emasculating, and something I’ll have to discuss with my therapist.”

This type of incident is rather common, according to the MPD’s Anti-Metal Division.

“We’ve gotten lots of reports about the Sister mob: most hair-metal band invasions happen during a tense, silent dinner scene, involving one or more teenagers and an overbearing, militaristic, older male figure who hates rock music,” said Det. Armie Cooper. “It’s important citizens learn that the best way to hair-metal band-proof their homes is to accept that your children will listen to rock‘n’roll music and play guitar. It seems that the more you fight against it, the stronger they become.”

While a hair-metal band invasion can be a nuisance, rarely does it turn deadly.

“Look, man, if the best white, suburban America can do is offer more of the same, then we’re not gonna take it!” declared ringleader Dee Snider from the back of a police van. “It ain’t the 50s anymore, man — we don’t recognize the authority or the power of The Man! We don’t want nothin’, not a thing from you! And these handcuffs are too tight, man.”

Twisted Sister has since reportedly escaped police custody and fled, presumably plotting their next attempt to terrorize and liberate an American family.

Sex Paused to Flip Record

Posted on October 14, 2020 by James Webster

SEATTLE — A passionate bout of intercourse between local couple Robert Levin and Andrea MacNeil was put on hold this afternoon to flip a record over to the b-side, reported one irritatingly horny source.

“I think it was totally justified. Pumping away in silence just doesn’t cut it for me,” said Levin, holding a pillow over his junk. “It’s like she hasn’t even heard the back half of Portishead’s ‘Dummy.’ How were either of us supposed to finish without those sexy-ass bass grooves in the deeper, more natural sound quality provided by vinyl? Just thinking about how good ‘Pedestal’ sounds on wax is enough to get me going.”

MacNeil admitted she was less than thrilled with Levin’s decision to disrupt the moment.

“I couldn’t believe it. I was so close to climax and he shot out of bed like a rocket to flip that thing over,” said MacNeil, making sure her blanket was clutched firmly around her collarbone. “It was like he was more excited to finish the album than he was to finish. I’m just glad it was an LP and not an EP, you know?”

“I guess you could say he put us on pause so that the record could play,” she added. “Sorry. When I’m seethingly angry, I just can’t resist a good fucking pun. See, I did it again!”

A spokesperson for Portishead confirmed that the band hears this story all the time.

“We can’t believe we don’t hear this more often, honestly,” said Marty Giddins, Portishead’s manager. “It’s hard to describe, but the whole trip-hop thing was just really hot, you know? Nobody knows why, but white people didn’t have good sex until the first Massive Attack album in 1990 — they just didn’t. To have the perfect soundtrack, you’ve gotta pay the price and flip the album.”

At press time, MacNeil was reportedly still waiting on Levin to return to bed, as he also held up the couple’s sexual activity to be interviewed for this article.

Photo by Noah Leavy.

Don’t Disrespect My Daughter by Kneeling When You Propose — Stand Like a Patriot

Posted on October 14, 2020 by Mirinda Moriarty

Listen up, buttercup. I am a firm believer in the principles of God, country, and family. In that order. So if you’re going to ask for my beautiful daughter’s hand in marriage, you better not disrespect any of ’em while doing it. So get up off your knees and propose to my daughter like a patriot: standing on two feet and saluting a custom American flag with 50 little crosses instead of stars.

Now when my gorgeous little girl brought you home, you were polite to me. You even brought our family a gift basket with assorted maple syrups. That was two strikes right off the bat. However, I’m willing to overlook all of this weakness if you propose like a man. Not like some wimp who gets on their knees and shows humility. I want you standing as straight as God made all of us, with you hand over your heart. Preferably while holding a baseball cap that you took off the moment I started playing the Star-Spangled Banner on a boombox from across the candlelit walkway you set up for my sweet, sweet princess. Only then will you have earned my, God’s, and President Trump’s approval to marry the most important woman in my life.

This country—specifically us men—gave these fine girls the right to vote. They have a right to choose who to vote for just like I have a right to choose whom she is allowed to marry. And God forbid that man be some skinny jean wearing, Molson Ice drinking, cuck who bends over to propose. If you want to be a part of this red-blooded American family you better kneel for the cross, stand for my daughter, and grab her by the pussy.

Is that clear? Good. You have my approval. Welcome to the family, Colin Kaepernick.

Funeral for Ska Frontman Surprisingly Upbeat

Posted on October 14, 2020 by Patrick Lilly

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Yesterday’s funeral for beloved ska frontman Bruce Becker was strangely positive despite the somber occasion, due to several self-described “rude boys” dancing and singing the entire time, sources trying to mourn in peace confirmed.

“We’re just so glad all his friends could come out and have one last party with him,” Becker’s mother said, clad in a checkerboard shirt and screen-printed tie from his band, The Upstairs Neighbors. “We know how much everyone meant to him, and how glad he would be to see all these friendly faces show up just for him. All his friends performed, and this really feels like how Bruce would like to be remembered. If anyone wants anything else to remember him by, we’ll be selling merch all night in the back.”

Former bandmate and current curmudgeon Dirk Cranberry was possibly the only person in attendance who did not praise the deceased.

“He always was a son of a bitch, and he always came in too early with his vocals,” Cranberry said thoughtfully. “That bastard kicked me out of his band years ago — I always thought we should’ve been more two-tone, but he always leaned towards punk. Thinking back on it, I guess kicking me out was the best decision that band ever made. Timing always was Bruce’s biggest issue, and once again, he’s gone too soon.”

Local priest Wyatt Barrett did his best to tailor the service to the colorful crowd.

“Much like how ska returned in the mid 90s, Jesus too will one day return, and we will reunite with Bruce, skanking in the big moshpit in the sky,” Barrett said after. “I always enjoy a good ska funeral. Things are just more lively: they’ve got full bands going the whole time, even when they’re lowering the guy into the ground. And the Bible does bring up trumpets a lot… maybe they’re playing ska up in heaven, too.”

Unfortunately, the priest’s orders to the pallbearers to “pick it up” when lifting the coffin were misunderstood, and the resulting skanking nearly knocked over the checkerboard coffin holding Becker’s body.

Gamer Pokes Head Back Into Smash Bros. Ultimate to Play Exactly One Match as Steve

Posted on October 13, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jesse Nunez excitedly turned on his Switch to download the latest software update for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate so that he could play exactly one match as Steve from Minecraft.

“It feels like yesterday that they announced Steve was coming to Smash, that was so quick!” said Nunez while sorting his Switch game library by “time last played” and scrolling all the way to the bottom to access the game. “I’m excited to see what all of his moves do! Well, some of them will be surprises. I only watched the first few minutes of the hands-on demo until I got bored and started scrolling through Twitter.”

Nunez’s friends say that his erratic behavior when buying video game DLC that he barely plays has become a cause for concern.

“Jesse always buys into the hype whenever games announce new characters and talks about how they’re going to ‘change the meta’, but I think he just falls for the marketing and the excitement of it all,” said longtime friend Maria Antonov. “The other day he said he was looking forward to playing as Rambo in Mortal Kombat 11. I’ve never seen him play a Mortal Kombat game in my life, or watch a Rambo movie, for that matter.”

At press time, Nunez had reportedly jumped straight into a ranked online match and begun complaining that Steve’s moveset is unbalanced.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

Posted on October 13, 2020 by CJ Hernandez

BEAVERTON, Ore. — The USB Implementers Forum announced today they would be formally changing the labeling of all USB connectors in order to promote gender inclusivity.

While electrical connectors have been referred to as “Male” and “Female” for decades, the latest USB standards will be renaming the formerly male plugs and female sockets to “Dom” and “Sub,” respectively.

“I think it’s important to remember that the U in USB stands for Universal,” said Jeff Ravencraft, COO of the USB-IF. “There’s really no need to assign gender to these cables at birth, it’s been kind of silly from the beginning. Changing their designations to preferred sexual roles just makes a lot more sense for everyone. If we can simultaneously make our product more inclusive while also making it more overtly sexual, I think that’s a win-win!”

The USB-IF released a variety of marketing materials promoting the change, including a packet of “relatable memes” and a “USB fancam.”

“We are incredibly horny for inclusivity,” Ravencraft continued. “This is just the first step, we have a lot of changes coming up that are going to keep all USB connectors and cables hip, hot, and relevant to young people for years to come. I hope for a future where every device has a USB Type-C Sub port, a port that gladly takes it both ways if you know what I mean!”

Response from the LGBTQ+ community has been mixed, with many accusing the USB-IF of promoting over-sexualized stereotypes that cause more harm than help to the movement.

“I guess it’s a nice gesture,” said Alex Bristol, a non-binary member of the USB-IF’s marketing focus group. “But like, maybe they could have just donated money to some LGBTQ+ charities, or promoted some genderqueer-positive hiring practices, because this is all getting kind of weird. They’re talking about changing the B in USB to… to bussy. Universal Serial Bussy. We told them not to but I think they’re going to do it anyway.”

At press time, Apple is reportedly preparing a controversial statement clarifying that there are only two genders of lightning cable connectors. However, Apple does plan to roll out a series of gender neutral dongles for $20 each.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

We Sat Down With M. Night Shyamalan and Asked Him Not To Make Another Movie

Posted on October 13, 2020 by Jonah Nink

With 15 films under his belt, it’s safe to say that M. Night Shyamalan has had a prolific career. This is a problem since most of his movies are dogshit. The world is bad enough right now, and the last thing it needs is some unhinged freak slapping together one god awful movie after another.

We sat down with the noted filmmaker and tried to convince him that he ran his course a long time ago.

Hard Times: Thank you for your time.
Shyamalan: Always happy to explain my films.
Please stop making movies.
Excuse me?
“The Sixth Sense” was good. “Signs” was ok. Everything else sucks though. Just stop.
What about “Unbreakable?” I thought people liked that one.
Ok, yeah, I liked Unbreakable. But then you ruined it with “Glass.” We’re cutting you off, bro.
Ok, I understand that people may dislike some of my films. They were ahead of their time.
Ahead of their time? No, they were shit. “The Last Airbender,” “Lady in the Water,” “The Happening,” “After Earth;” they were all shit. You’ve almost single-handedly ruined the film industry and it’s time for you to stop. You delusional sociopath.
I wish more people understood the deeper nuances of Lady in the Water. The Narf and her eternal battle with the Scrunt for the fate of the Blue World is a deep metaphor for humanity’s struggle against its own darker inhibitions.
Are you having a stroke?
In the film, Cleveland Heep, played excellently by Paul Giammati, is tasked with helping Story the Narf find “the Writer,” a mythical figure who will one day write a book that saves humanity. In the film I play the Writer, which in a way parallels how my own films are going to one day save the world. The Scrunt represents all of the film critics who said my movies sucked.
Fucking stop it.
Which is why Lady in the Water is my masterpiece. My magnum opus, if you will. It encapsulated the human experience in a way few pieces of art do. I’m not just a filmmaker, I’m a storyteller. You see the Narfs are actually a metaphor for…
Jesus.
Did you know that I wrote Stuart Little?
Fuck you.

Old Bong Now Fleshlight

Posted on October 13, 2020 by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — Local punk and weed enthusiast Sam “Switch” Gremillion inserted his penis into an old bong Wednesday afternoon in a desperate attempt at pleasuring himself, according to sources scouring Craigslist for sublets and temporary housing situations.

“My Fleshlight broke weeks ago, and I’ve been too anxious to leave the house and get a new one because of quarantine. It wasn’t my first choice at all, but when I saw the opening of the bong, I knew it would do,” stated a sheepish Gremillion. “I will say, the initial insertion wasn’t exactly pleasant, but the moment I hit that knobby thing that holds the ice, me and my hog squealed with excitement… immediately followed by pain and panic when I realized I was stuck.”

“I was hoping I would just unstick myself when the boner subsided,” he added, “but apparently when you’re stuck in a bong, the penis only gets harder with time.”

Gremillion’s roommate Tammy Valentine worried about the health of the household.

‘Yeah… I can’t say I was too excited when I found out Switch got his schvonce stuck in the bong. After all, It’s not even his bong, it’s the apartment’s bong — we all share that thing, for crying out loud,” said a slightly irritated Valentine. “Of course I’m shocked, but I’m more worried than angry: worried for my roommate and of course, for the bong. With that thing out of commission, all I have is this one-hitter I keep for emergencies and family functions.”

Dr. Joseph Quintero was tasked with removing Gremillion’s penis from the bong.

“In all of my years of removing things from people, I have never had to solve a problem quite this sad before,” Quintero remarked. “Plus, I think Fleshlights are pretty easy to come by — you can just order one from a local sex shop and have it within the week. They’ll even put discrete labeling on it so your neighbors dont know you just ordered a sex toy. It may not be as quick as Amazon, but it’s extremely important to support small businesses within the community. Not that I’ve ever ordered one. I’ve just heard.”

Gremillion is on track for a speedy recovery, and his roommates have invested in a bong with a smaller opening as a cautionary measure.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News