Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Trump Merch Guy Is Promised He Can Come Up On Stage and Say One Slur

Posted on October 16, 2020 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

MACON, Ga. — After five years of paying his dues, the Trump campaign’s top merch guy Dash Howard learned today that he’ll finally get to yell a slur into the microphone at the President’s next superspreader event, sources close to the unapologetic bigot confirmed.

“I know all his slurs by heart. I’ll finally put my skills on display for a bunch of like-minded Americans who are sick at the thought of our daughters dating outside their race,” said Howard from behind a table of red MAGA hats and “Blue Lives Matter” stickers. “I’ve been practicing in the mirror for weeks now, trying to come up with exactly the right slur to say. I’m scheduled to go up right after Trump makes a big display about having a war widow in the crowd — that’s the perfect time for me to say something about how refugees are stealing our jobs. It’s going to tear the place down.”

Senior White House Official and favorite Trump son Jared Kushner empathizes with Howard’s excitement.

“After my dad went to jail, I was desperate for a new father figure to make me complicit in criminal activity. I’d be lost if it wasn’t for President Trump,” said Kushner while loading a gun and holding it to the head of a newborn kitten. “When you pay your dues with Donny, you’re rewarded handsomely — not only did I get to be on the ‘street team’ he put together to attack the Central Park Five, but after I proved myself, he gave me his favorite daughter!”

“He told me he would’ve kept Ivanka for himself but the optics might not be great. What a guy!” Kushner added. “Always giving.”

Trump knows how much it means to aspiring racists and fascists to be seen and heard, giving back to the younger generation any way he can.

“I remember what it was like, being one of the new jacks on the scene: you’re awkward, you don’t know what ethnic group you should be directing your hate towards. It’s tough. It’s real tough,” said Trump while coughing directly into a nearby aide’s face. “Back in the day, you know, we only had Blacks and the Chinese to rally against, and the Chinese already had a wall. Show me another President who will let their merch guy come up and say a few words — everyone else is scared to let the merch guy talk, especially Sleepy Joe. His merch guy probably runs Antifa.”

Following the event, President Trump was overheard threatening the rally’s promoter to pay him his full appearance fee despite the terrible attendance.

The Lack of Female Leadership in Right-Wing Militias Is Problematic

Posted on October 16, 2020 by Gregg Gethard

Women have made great strides in earning leadership positions throughout American culture, having overcome decades of gender inequality and a glass ceiling. But there’s one area that is still having a stand-off against women ascending to positions of power—right-wing militias!

It’s highly problematic that no woman leads any of the 576 groups classified by the Southern Poverty Law Center as an extremist right-wing anti-government militia. Women have not been able to steer renowned organizations like the Wolverine Watchmen or the Iowa Defenders of the Homeland Shield as they plan attacks on a Bureau of Land Management’s home. And that’s just not right!

I understand that this would create a paradigm shift for right-wing militia members—having to consider gender norms while parading around rural woodlands conducting military exercises to counter the encroaching cruelty of an overreaching federal government. But imagine how much more right-wing militias could accomplish if women were allowed to enter the C-suites and boardrooms of shadowy, splinter off-shoots of the Oath Keepers?

Female-led right-wing militias would be able to do so much more than to bring dangerous, untraceable firearms to a protest against basic public health measures. No longer would the aims of homegrown right-wing paramilitary units be limited to commemorating the Ruby Ridge Massacre or conducting citizen’s arrests on migrant families. For too long, America’s collection of second amendment aficionados have lacked the imagination needed when trying to return America to the gold standard in defiance of the globalist tyranny of the Federal Reserve System.

It’s time for our camouflage wearing bearded heroes to promote women to leadership positions. No longer do women just want to merely help while procuring heavily regulated industrial-grade explosives purchased with fraudulently obtained credit cards. Instead, women want to lead the charge when launching the inevitable race war that will last for 1,000 years.

Time’s Up, right-wing militiamen! It’s now your turn to break down the patriarchal hierarchy and be a part of the dialogue!

Cop Says N-Word During Karaoke Rap Song, Also Before and After

Posted on October 16, 2020 by John Danek

MILWAUKEE — White Milwaukee Police Officer Anthony Salatino used the n-word without reservation last night before, during, and after a karaoke performance of a song by rapper YG, frightened karaoke bar staff indicated.

“It’s Salatino’s ‘thing.’ He calls me the n-word all the time — which is stupid, because I’m Indian — but it’s offensive regardless,” recounted Shiv Tiwari, karaoke DJ at Sing Your Heart Out. “He put his name in for a YG track which we don’t have in the system and I had to pull up on Youtube. Through the performance, he walked around the room and did that thing where you stick your face at someone real fast to make them flinch. Our crowd is mostly retired people who sing Sinatra, and even they seemed pretty offended, even if they all looked like they’d said that word a few times in their day.”

Ofc. Salatino vehemently denied the accusations of racism and chalked them up to the current anti-cop sentiment.

“Oh, please. This is just another example of someone trying to make police officers look bad,” declared Salatino despite multiple cell phone videos, voice recordings, body cam footage, and signed receipts that show him screaming the n-word repeatedly. “Maybe if black people started speaking, dressing, and acting just like me, we wouldn’t have any of these problems, and we all could say the n-word. Besides, the edited versions of rap songs suck. It’s mostly silence. And even if I did say it, I’m sure I would rarely use a hard ‘R.’”

Los Angeles rapper YG, who has helped organize Black Lives Matter events in his hometown, was dismayed at Salatino’s obliviousness.

“It’s really fucked up. You can’t control how people consume your music, but to have a cop sing ‘My N*gga’ after all the criminal justice system has done is beyond insulting,” said YG. “I have songs called ‘Fuck Donald Trump’ and ‘Fuck the Police’ — do I have to title a song ‘Hey, If You’re White and Racist and Support Cops or Are a Cop, This Song Is Not For You And I Hate You?’

“Now that I say that out loud, I realize that it’s exactly what I have to do,” he added. “Give me a few weeks.”

Ultimately, the Milwaukee Police Department suspended Salatino with pay after he attacked a group of black teens who refused to let him in their TikTok dance video.

Scientists Warn Die Hard Simpsons Fans Could Only Like One Season By 2024

Posted on October 15, 2020 by Adam Condra

AMSTERDAM — Leading climate scientists have made a startling announcement, alleging that passionate fan enthusiasm for The Simpsons could dwindle to just one season by 2024.

“Generally, the consensus since the turn of the century has been that The Simpsons was at its best during its first 10 seasons,” said Dr. Nils van der Wegge, speaking from the University of Amsterdam’s Science Park campus. “Even as the quality of the show descended into a risk-averse mixture of easy jokes and mawkish sentiment, the numbers reflecting enthusiasm for the early years remained remarkably consistent. That is, until a few years ago, when our data analysis uncovered irregularities in fan consensus.”

Van der Wegge contends that these irregularities have continued to grow, and projects a timeline in which only one Simpsons season is considered “good” by die hard fans within the next four years.

“Obviously, our first instinct is to try and conserve what’s left, which appears to be a contiguous enthusiasm from season 4 to season 7.” Van der Wegge went on. “But it’s tricky to figure out how to do that for a show that has been on creative autopilot for over twice as long as it was good.”

As part of its study, the University interviewed and polled over 2,000 self-identified “die hard fans” across 30 countries, and their opinions are just as diverse as their origins.

“Look, David Mirkin is the only person who knew how to make The Simpsons work,” said Yelena Lebedev of Donetsk, Ukraine, one of the participants in the study. “I am unafraid to say it, the writing was on the wall during Al Jean’s first run in seasons 3 and 4. Man’s been in charge for the last 19 years and you see what’s happened. The more mucked up it all gets, the less I even appreciate the older stuff anymore.”

Amid the dire forecast, Dr. van der Wegge and his team continue to analyze the data and seek answers.

“It’s unclear why this is happening,” said Dr. Corliss Moran, a member of the team that conducted the study. “Perhaps it’s social media. Perhaps it’s ennui. Perhaps it’s because Millennials who grew up with the show can no longer relate to a satire of America where owning a home and supporting a family with a single full time job. My fear is that it is already too late to save The Simpsons’ legacy.”

Van der Wegge concluded his statement by warning that if action isn’t taken, the Family Guy community will be dealing with the same problem 10 years from now.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Gamer Downloads Hot New Multiplayer Game Just in Time for Friends to Move On

Posted on October 15, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

BANGOR, Maine — Local gamer Ned Price finally downloaded a multiplayer game his friends have been playing nonstop for weeks, only to discover that they’ve just moved on to playing a different game he doesn’t own yet.

“My buds wouldn’t stop talking about how fun Among Us was and saying that I needed to get on it,” Price explained. “So finally, I picked it up on Steam one night and asked my friends on Discord if they were up for a round. Well turns out they’re all ‘burned out on it’ now. Now I’m stuck playing this stupid game with randos online. I don’t even like it!”

Price’s friends noted that they had started playing Star Wars Squadron, and urged Price to jump on that instead. After waiting a few days for a paycheck to clear, Price bought the $40 game just in time for his friends to have moved on to Genshin Impact.

“Honestly, he kind of blew $40 there when he could have just downloaded this free RPG instead,” Price’s friend Herman Klein said. “Squadrons was fun for a second and all, but Genshin Impact is honestly where it’s at right now. You need to get to level 16 to play co-op though, so he just needs to do that before we try out Phasmophobia tomorrow night and move on forever.”

To get ahead of any more frustration, Price pre-ordered Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War after hearing his friends talk about switching to it in November. Unfortunately, they said they’ve actually already lost interest in the game, despite the fact that it isn’t out for another month.

“Honestly, we’re all just looking ahead to new consoles at this point,” longtime friend Maraithe Hale explained. “He’s going to need to get a PlayStation 5 if he hopes to catch up. We’re already planning to alternate between Destiny 2: Beyond Light, Godfall, NBA 2K21 and Destruction All Stars, so he should just get all of those just in case one sticks.”

After spending nearly $1000 on new games and preorders, Price discovered that his friends had actually gone back to playing Among Us, noting that they were itching to play something retro.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Heartbreaking: This Turtle and Dog Were Best Friends Until the Turtle Fucked the Dogs Wife

Posted on October 15, 2020 by Dan Rice

A few months back we brought you the story of Herman the turtle and Chase the beagle, two animals that became unlikely BFFs. Unfortunately, like so many human friendships, a romantic indiscretion has changed everything.

According to Dr. Neil Hornberg, the animal psychologist who initially recognized the bromance between Herman and Chase, the two animals are no longer speaking after the fallout of an affair Herman had with Chase’s wife Missey.

“It is a tragedy,” Hornberg confirmed. “But, unfortunately, these things happen. From what I can gather, Herman the turtle had gone to Chase’s yard to ride around on Chase’s back like in the YouTube video. Missey told Herman that Chase was out chasing a squirrel and would be back shortly. The two decided to have a drink. One thing led to another and by the time Chase got back, well, you fill in the blanks.”

Poor Chase. Imagine coming home from a squirrel chase to find your best friend turtle-balls deep in your bitch wife. Oh, well, I mean, first imagine being a dog and then imagine that. Are you imagining it? Good. Isn’t that sad?

Sources say that at first, Herman was apologetic about the incident, blaming the tryst on alcohol and pleading for forgiveness. Unfortunately, the argument got heated and both animals wound up saying things they couldn’t take back.

Chase and Missey are reportedly working out their marital issues in therapy, but it is unlikely that Chase the beagle and Herman the turtle will ever speak again.

The really messed up part is that Herman was the best man at Chase and Missey’s wedding! That would be like if you and a rabbit became such good friends that the rabbit wanted you to be part of its wedding to another rabbit! And then after establishing that miraculous one in a million bond, you turn around and fuck that rabbit’s wife? How could you?!

Hornberg says the situation is indeed bleak but isn’t ready to abandon all hope. “It’s important to remember that animal psychology isn’t an exact science. I’m extrapolating all of this from the fact that Chase keeps eating grass. There is a chance it could just be indigestion.”

All of Cashier’s Frustrations Channeled Into Breaking Open Roll of Quarters

Posted on October 15, 2020 by Jerrod Kingery

PONCA CITY, Okla. — Marcotte’s Market Grocery cashier Russell Lum took out all of his anger and stress on the mundane task of busting open a fresh roll of quarters in response to the drudgery of working retail paired with the new headaches brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic.

“You just fucking smack it right here, like this,” Lum said, holding up a $10 roll of coins before violently striking them against a divider in the till with all his strength. “Just WHA-BOOM! It’s like the perfect coin — chunky enough to get a good crack in between them, and easy as fuck to count when you’re done since it’s just remembering to group things by fours.”

Dan Duran, Marcotte’s front end manager and Lum’s direct supervisor, knows all too well what small victories like giving a roll of coins a good fucking whack can mean to a beleaguered clerk.

“Oh, trust me, that few seconds of micro-aggression you can take out right in the customer’s stupid fucking face without any sort of recourse is vital for my team’s morale,” Duran said. “You should’ve seen it when corporate had us switch to those plastic, shrink-wrapped coin rolls a few months back… I thought I was gonna have a cashier revolt on my hands. Those are a bitch and a half to get open, and when they finally do it’s terribly anticlimactic.”

Dr. Marge Luby, a clinical psychologist, claimed the act of “giving the ol’ one-two” to a paper-wrapped stack of coins is similar to the practice of “break therapy” popularized by “rage rooms” that allow patients to take out their frustrations physically.

“Studies have shown that the clatter of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters when broken open over the plastic divider of a cash register triggers the same synapses in the brain as shattering the screen of a TV does, or a passionate embrace from a loved one,” Dr. Luby said. “But with fewer people using cash now, those small moments of release are getting rarer for our nation’s cashiers. Many have been forced to look to other opportunities to get their aggression out, like stabbing a fresh stack of plastic bags onto one of those metal holder things, and informing a customer that there isn’t any more of a specific product ‘in the back.’”

Lum was last seen cursing under his breath after being forced to open a fresh roll of pennies five minutes before the end of his shift.

Photo by Jamie Ward.

3 Drawbacks To Alcohol and 1 Sweet, Sweet Benefit That Might Outweigh Them All

Posted on October 15, 2020 by Bobby Korec

As we’ve all learned first hand from our uncles at any family function, alcohol can have a devastating effect on the human mind and body. According to a bunch of science nerds alcohol is a wicked poison that should be avoided if you want to live long enough to see how this whole climate change thing works out. However, some non-scientists also say that it can be pretty freaking sweet too.

So who’s right about alcohol? Science, or our buddy Greg? We decided to find out first hand every night for 6 months.

To dig a little deeper we’ve come up with a few drawbacks that would easily deter any rational person, as well as one benefit that just might make up for its potentially life-ruining disadvantages.

Weight Gain
Evidently, those happy hour cocktails are the reason I’ve gained 30 pounds and it’s all thanks to a bunch of hidden calories that no one told me about. I mean, it’s not like my gin and tonic comes with nutrition facts. If anything, I thought they had zero calories because both gin and tonic are clear liquids. You know, like water. I’m just finding out now that’s not how that works though.

Diseases
Cancer, heart disease, alcoholism. Turns out, all of these illnesses are totally avoidable if you refrain from alcohol entirely. Hard to believe, I know. In the long run though you’ll probably thank your younger self when all of your old-ass friends have croaked from alcohol-related diseases and you’re the last one standing all alone with no one to relate to.

Family Issues
Supposedly, alcohol tears families apart. At least that’s what the judge said after my ex-wife took full custody of the kids. But if I’ve learned anything from this experience it’s that I can just get a whole new family if I just hit on married women long enough. After all, that’s how I landed my first three wives.

Well-Being
The one benefit from alcohol that no one seems to talk about is that it’s great for functioning in everyday life in general. Want to avoid social anxiety at parties? Pound some beers! Want to put a stop to those feelings of loneliness? Wine o’clock! Want to prevent that existential dread and subsequent depression that inevitably occurs every morning at 10 am? Mimosas! Alcohol could quite possibly be the miracle cure to every problem you want to momentarily avoid facing, and what is life but a series of moments?

Aging Millennial Remembers When MTV Still Played Music Videos at 4 a.m.

Posted on October 15, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

HYATTSVILLE, Md. — Local Millennial Dave Simmons, flipping through channels in the wee hours during a visit to his parents’ house, wistfully recalled today the time when MTV still played videos in the middle of the night.

“Of course, I only saw MTV play videos long before the sun came up, and I had to watch at a super low volume so I didn’t wake anyone else in the house, but it doesn’t feel like it was that long ago,” noted Simmons, as he listlessly looked at his phone. “I didn’t stay up late all that often, but whenever my insomnia kicked in, it was nice to flip over to MTV and catch ‘Subterranean’ or something Spike Jonze did. Now, it’s just some ‘reality’ show about a bunch of drunken, white trash morons in Florida. What the hell is that, anyway?”

“Whatever happened to producing shows like ‘Next?’” he added. “I always wanted to be on that bus with the boys talking crap.”

To Simmons, even MTV’s non-music related programming like “The State,” “Beavis and Butthead,” and “Daria” was better, much to the chagrin of MTV executives.

“Mr. Simmons could not be more wrong about our commitment to bringing cutting edge musical programming to people at bizarre hours of the day — obviously, he hasn’t been watching at 10 a.m. on Saturdays when we show ‘TRL’ to literally dozens of enthralled viewers,” said executive Cheryl Logan. “Maybe he might tune in to ‘Double Shot at Love with DJ Pauly and Vinny.’ Hello! They’re DJs! Besides, if music videos are that important to him, he should contact his local provider to inquire about our sister networks… some of which, I think, still play videos. Or if he’s that goddamn adamant about it, just use fucking Youtube, for Christ’s sake.”

Some critics were dismissive of his “misplaced” nostalgia.

“Are you fucking kidding me with this MTV bullshit? This is what you’re wasting my time over? What kind of loser watched MTV at any time of day? MTV was the death of music,” screamed producer and critic Steve Albini. “That bullshit channel has always been about mainstream corporate dogshit. I mean, ‘Alternative Nation?’ That was just sanitized ‘rock’ for dumb suburban kids who didn’t go out of their way to find decent zines. I bet this moron considers Green Day punk. Blow me.”

Simmons has since given up on MTV, and is currently in his sixth hour of researching what “Wild and Crazy Kids” co-host Donny Jeffcoat has been up to.

Cisco Delays Next-Gen Office Phone for 20th Consecutive Year

Posted on October 14, 2020 by Andy Holt

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Citing production issues due to the coronavirus pandemic, Cisco Systems has delayed the long-awaited sequel to their popular Charcoal Gray Unified IP Series Speakerphone for the 20th consecutive year.

“As a company, we are disappointed about this completely unexpected delay. We were going to add all kinds of cool new stuff to the phone, like a color screen, and a cord that doesn’t tie itself into a million knots whenever you touch it,” said Cisco CEO Chuck Robbins. “We were totally gonna do that, this year, if it wasn’t for the dang COVID. Shucks.”

The announcement was devastating for passionate fans of Cisco’s flagship office phone.

“I love the thing so much. It’s hard to pick my favorite feature, whether it’s the dozen buttons that don’t do anything, or the form factor—I love how it’s the size of three bricks stacked on top of each other,” said local office worker Karey Reiner, who had yet to use the phone a single time during her three years on the job. “I was so excited to see what kind of sick moves Cisco was gonna make next. Oh well, maybe in another 20 years.”

Industry analysts predicted a huge drop in Cisco stock, as the company was expected to fall behind in the extremely competitive market for B2B enterprise hardware.

“This is going to be crushing for Cisco. As we all know, private enterprise is what drives innovation. Corporations are never going to settle into a grift where they just buy the same crap at an inflated price, over and over, every single year,” said Wall Street Journal finance reporter Chuck Houston. “That would be stupid.”

Other rumored delays included updated payroll software, a faster VPN for working from home, and fixing that fucked up bathroom on the third floor that always smells like shit.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

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