Conservative Facebook Friend Not Gonna Waste Opportunity to Conflate Video of Cat Rescue with Rioting

Posted on by Krissy Howard

WHITEFISH, Mont. — Conservative woman and Facebook friend kept in an effort to “not live in some echo chamber” Megan Miller is stretching facts beyond comprehension today to conflate a cat rescue video with “deadly riots,” according to sources.

“I honestly don’t know how she does it. The video she shared was about some kitten with a nasty eye infection being fostered with some old dog who has acid reflux, and somehow that provided the platform for a two paragraph rant about how antifa started wildfires in Oregon,” said Facebook friend of the reborn Christian and part-time essential oils salesperson in question, Dana Atkins. “Then she wrapped things up with an MLK quote, which then led into something about Jesus and 9/11. If she weren’t a completely revolting person I’d be almost impressed.”

Additional online acquaintances and people who have known Miller personally over the last several years confirmed seeing similar posts.

“Well, I don’t see too much of her stuff… not because I’m not on Facebook constantly, but because most of what she shares is hidden with those ‘this content isn’t available right now’ things and ‘partially false information’ flags,” said former coworker and morbidly curious man Rishi Singh. “The ones that I do see almost make sense: like, they start about being about unity and looking out for your neighbors, but then just totally nosedive into something about ‘government handouts.’ I feel gaslighted and disgusted by her status updates, and yet I can’t look away.”

While some can’t understand Miller’s online presence, others appreciate hearing the “truth” from someone who isn’t afraid to “tell it like it is.”

“Her posts really make me think. Mostly about what I already kind of believe, which is pretty ideal,” said local bank teller Felicia Camp. “As someone who wants nothing more than to have this country go back to more serene and idyllic times, I truly appreciate when I get the opportunity to associate anything that restores my faith in God with intense fear and anxiety. Bless her.”

At press time, Miller’s most recently shared meme was inducted into its 25th group chat, dedicated to quietly talking shit without having to confront her.

I Don’t Make the Rules, I’m Just a Prick That Gets off on Enforcing Them

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Now look, I’m just here to remind you that I don’t make the rules, I’m just an irritating prick that really gets off on enforcing them.

So don’t get mad at me, it’s not up to me. Don’t blame me next time I come down on one of you mother fuckers, I don’t make the rules but I sure as hell will make sure you follow each and every one of them.

What the law says is out of my hands. I’m just the guy blindly enforcing it while fully erect.

Look, I didn’t decide that you shouldn’t wear hats inside, but if I see you wearing one you bet you’re gonna hear about it from me.

I also didn’t make these here speed limits, hell I sure as FUCK don’t obey them myself, but you know your getting pulled over for going two miles over, even when there’s no one on the road and I’ll slap a broken taillight and obstruction of view for your air freshener because that’s why I’m here.

Just doing my job folks, if you have a problem take it up with city hall, we can go to court, you can write a letter or an email. As for me, I’ll be keeping an eye out.

Look, I didn’t write the unwritten rule that you can’t have dairy with seafood but I’m happy to make a condescending comment to you for ordering lobster mac. Culinary etiquette, guy code, the rules to monopoly, whatever. Any time there are rules in play it is my self-appointed duty to enforce them to the detriment of people’s enjoyment and masturbate to that later. That’s just how it works.

Don’t get mad at me, don’t blame me the next time I write you a ticket for loitering or curfew or the next time I come down hard on some very grey-area bullshit then blame the rules.

The law is the law. You know as well as I do that munchkin was on the ground for six seconds. That’s one second over the legal limit. If you touch so much as one crumb of it to your lips I will shoot you in the knee cap so help me God.

I’m serious. Give me a fucking reason.

Edge Day Falling on Saturday This Year Makes No Difference to Straight Edge Guy

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BOSTON — Local straight edger Pete Westpan is generally apathetic about National Edge Day falling on a Saturday this year, witnesses who thought he’d be at least a little more enthused reported.

“Honestly, I’d be way more excited if it fell on a Tuesday, since it’s easily the least socially acceptable day of the week to party,” said Westpan before continuing his Google search of “office-friendly straight edge face tattoos” online. “If anything, Edge Day falling on a Saturday is worse, because I’ll have to see all my dumbass non-edge friends partying and getting fucked up on my social media feeds. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ll probably have a blast judging them harshly for their poor weekend choices and self-destructive behavior. That’s what this holiday is all about anyway. Maybe Saturday Edge Day isn’t so bad after all.”

On the other hand, Westpan’s non-edge friends were thrilled for him after finding out the day fell on a weekend.

“Bullshit holidays like this one only fall on dedicated party days once every 40 years — like last year, when Thanksgiving was a Saturday,” said friend and self-proclaimed “party animal” Jeff Howardon before crushing a can of White Claw on his head. “And the best way to celebrate anything is by getting absolutely hammered, which I learned from watching my old man when I was a kid. I know Pete’s straight edge and all, so maybe he only has a few hits of weed to celebrate the occasion. You can still smoke if you’re edge, right?”

Scene veterans stressed the importance of National Edge Day, no matter what day it falls on.

“This national holiday was mainly instituted to raise awareness of our superior lifestyle,” said local scene legend Paul “Poison Free” Predshaw. “Sure, we typically lose a few scene newcomers every time this holiday falls on a Friday or Saturday, but they always come crawling back 10 to 20 years later after several DUIs and court-mandated rehab sessions. But all of us know deep down that after you conquer your vices, you’ll feel so much better than everyone else.”

At press time, friends of Westpan were bombarding him with text messages wishing him a happy Edge Day, including one message that read, “We’re pounding a few brews for you tonight, bro!”

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, Hitman, and Blaseball?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

A new era is upon us. This year, a new generation of consoles will come into our homes, bringing us more realistic gaming experiences than we’ve ever seen. That’s why it’s paramount that we hold games accountable when they allow players to violate things like the Geneva Conventions, which are an important moral barrier both in war and digital entertainment. Let me show you what I mean with our latest breakdown of war crimes happening in today’s video games.

For the sake of argument, let’s put aside all of Ronald Reagan’s real life war crimes for a moment. Let’s pretend the digital version of him that appears in the upcoming Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War is an entirely fictitious version of the infamous criminal who didn’t have any hand in the Iran-Contra affair. Okay fine. Then let me point you to the game’s first trailer where someone tells Reagan that the military operation he’s proposing is, QUOTE, “highly irregular, probably illegal.” The blurb writes itself, folks.

The very core of the Hitman series is based in illegality. The unnecessary suffering, the use of mercenaries… it’s all textbook. But I’d specifically like to draw your attention to the “Fake Surrender” button, which allows you to pretend to give yourself up to the police before knocking them out with a sucker punch. Well, more bad news for Agent 47. That’s a clear violation of perfidy, which prohibits “the feigning of an intent to negotiate under a flag of truce or of a surrender.” Though admittedly, this is probably less of an issue than putting your enemies into a woodchipper.

Speaking of mercenaries, we’ve previously shamed Spider-Man himself, calling him out as a mercenary–ruling that was controversial amongst our faithful readers. But something that you can’t deny: the scientists in Marvels’ Spider-Man have never even HEARD of the Geneva Conventions. That’s just a fact.

To Samurai Jack’s credit, he fights with honor in his latest adventure, Samurai Jack: Battle Through Time. The same can’t be said for his rival Aku, who teleports Jack into a future where he rules. There’s a lot to unpack here due to article 49 of 4th Geneva Convention, which prohibits “individual forcible transfers.” Let’s call Aku’s actions what they are: temporal deportation. 

The commissioner is doing a great job… at allowing rogue umpires to violate the Protocol on Incendiary Weapons.

‘Spider-Man’ Will Feature Complex Cat Companion System That Ranges From ‘Enemies’ to ‘Doesn’t Hate You’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Insomniac has announced that the Miles Morales Spider-Man game for the PlayStation 5 will feature an intricate companion system which lets players develop a bond with a bodega cat that ranges from “enemies” to “doesn’t hate you.”

“We know what people want. Spider-Cat will be a major part of Spider-Man for the PlayStation 5,” said Insomniac Games Creative Director Brian Horton in a 45-minute demonstration showcasing the new mechanic. “Spider-Cat will have a significant impact on the player’s combos, attacks, and storylines. That’s why we wanted to make sure players have full control over their relationship with him. At the beginning of the game, Mile’s relationship with Spider-Cat begins at ‘enemies.’ By giving him attention, cleaning his litter box, playing with him every day, letting him scratch criminals in the face, etc. over the course of the game, you can raise that companion meter all the way up to ‘doesn’t hate you.’”

“At the end of the day, video games are about satisfying the fantasies that we can’t ever have in our real lives,” Horton added. “That’s why we finally made a game where you can hold your cat and he doesn’t immediately squirm away. That is, if you press X repeatedly to get him to stop.”

According to the demonstration, Insomniac has taken in all of the feedback from fans about the original Spider-Man game and worked to replace any issue with Spider-Cat.

“A lot of people didn’t like the Mary Jane parts of the first game. Those have been replaced by sequences where you try to get Spider-Cat to walk around NYC by shining a laser at the ground,” Horton explained. “A lot of people didn’t like the little electrical minigames Peter had to complete in the lab. Those have been replaced by Miles trying to cut Spider-Cat’s nails, while being scratched all over his body.”

“We focused hard on making game one really feel like you’re playing as Spider-Man,” he said. “This game will make you really feel like you’re playing as Spider-Man and Spider-Man owns a cat.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

We here at Hard Drive owe so much to free speech, which enables us to write cutting edge, intellectual satire that challenges the establishment. It’s also what allows you, the commenters, to openly share with us all of your thoughts and witticisms. That’s why we thought it was only appropriate to reach out to known advocate of free speech Noam Chomsky in order to pick his mind about what really matters. Unfortunately, it did not go well: 

5. Noam Chomsky will not be appearing on the podcast at this time

I think Chomsky is hurting too, Janut_li. But if you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, they never cared about the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon (or they’re in a ditch or a lake). If they do come back, make them watch Mario cartoons forever.

4. Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid

That implies that he’d be able to make her orgasm in the first place. I get it though, poor upper body strength is a real run killer. Just remember to always play through if you lose momentum, a personal best is better than just quitting altogether. 

3. New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

Lifehack: if you can’t afford a flogger, but need one right away, just take everything out of your unused wire drawer and wrap it around a cardboard tube! Your sub won’t know the difference, and you’ll be glad you held onto the charger for your iPod classic for over 10 years. And if you want to get extra kinky, just leave the iPod on the charger. 

2. 6 Awesome ‘Street Fighter’ Moves to Try Out on Your Younger Brother

We hadn’t tested that before we published the article, so we had our Hard Drive intern Michael test these moves out on his cousin. Michael did win the fight, but his cousin did press charges and he was arrested for assault and battery. So to answer your question, yes and no.

1. 6 Awesome ‘Street Fighter’ Moves to Try Out on Your Younger Brother

I think it’s actually for the best you didn’t have a younger brother.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented this week! If it were up to me, you’d have the right to free games as well as free speech — but we’re far away from that gamer utopia. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

We Visited the Wrong Portland but Now We Know How To Shell a Lobster

Posted on by Rachel Steele

We took a trip out to one of the most active cities in America right now, Portland. It became too much to sit by and watch so many fascists marching freely on television with all their teeth still intact, so we packed a few baseball bats and jumped on a plane to report on some of the action. Little did we know we would end up further away from any protests or excitement at all; we flew to Maine instead of Oregon.

After binge-watching Portlandia on the plane, we quickly realized we arrived in a city we weren’t at all prepared for: Portland, Maine. We expected to see a flaming Macy’s department store and some cops running scared shitless from some protestors, instead we arrived in the middle of the Maine Lobster Festival. Apparently East Coast locals have a weird obsession with giant sea roaches.

Portland was alright, we would have preferred to see biker gang brawls in Oregon instead of clam chowder taste testing in Maine, but we enjoyed ourselves nevertheless. One chef even sat down and showed us how to shell and cook an entire lobster.

Fighting fascism would have been pretty cool but you know what else is cool? Clarified butter.

After five minutes, we learned that shelling a lobster is fucking hardcore, almost as hardcore as after we used the Port-O-Johns that lined the streets of the festival. We never thought we’d have so much fun maiming and dismembering the corpse of a huge red crustacean, yet here we are in Maine twisting some pincers and peeling the exoskeleton off this giant motherfucker. As much as we wanted to maime and dismember some Nazi punks, I highly doubt they’d taste as good in a soup as this lobster.

We regret missing out on drum circles, campfires in the streets, and cutting a couple Proud Boys down to size, but we all agreed we are now very well equipped to take down a belligerent fascist in the coming civil war. As long as they’re 3-4 pounds and already dead.

Adult Swim Designs Website to Remind 30-Year-Old Man He’s No Longer Target Demographic

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

ATLANTA — Local 30-year-old Dimitri Reynolds learned yesterday that he’s no longer in Adult Swim’s target demographic after a visit to their “baffling” website sent the man into a deep shame spiral, sources equally perplexed by the site confirmed.

“This site has changed too much. It’s so much harder now to find their forums so I can complain about anime,” said the 30-year old who sources report used to look like Dean Venture from “Venture Brothers” but now looks more like Carl from “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” “There’s so many new shows that I can’t even find clips of ‘Delocated.’ I had to ask one of my teenage neighbors how to access all the old Flash games the site used to have… but apparently Flash doesn’t even exist anymore? It feels like the days of teaching my parents how to access their email on AOL. Also, can someone explain to me what a livestream is?”

For their part, Adult Swim was thrilled by Reynolds’ complaints.

“We’ve been working hard updating the site to remind the original fans how old they are,” announced Adult Swim President Michael Ouweleen. “People in their 30s are still welcome to watch our shows, of course, but we will continue to appeal to people of an age who aren’t still clinging to a two-decades-old episode of ‘The Brak Show.’ We are willing to send Joe Pera out to lull anyone who complains about our company into sedation at any time.”

Lead web designer 19-year-old Selden Brady explained her concept for the site.

“As you can see, the cursor icon constantly changes to faces of Twitch streamers… and every character from every show will be barfing rainbows like a Snapchat filter, and the home page will be one big, nonsensical, deep fried meme,” said Brady. “And best of all, we’re accessing the Facebook info of every Millennial user so we can insert a pop-up of their jock high school bully who used to tease them for watching cartoons.”

Adult Swim is allegedly also considering making the website only accessible through a QR code displayed exclusively in “Fortnite.”

Trump Merch Guy Is Promised He Can Come Up On Stage and Say One Slur

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

MACON, Ga. — After five years of paying his dues, the Trump campaign’s top merch guy Dash Howard learned today that he’ll finally get to yell a slur into the microphone at the President’s next superspreader event, sources close to the unapologetic bigot confirmed.

“I know all his slurs by heart. I’ll finally put my skills on display for a bunch of like-minded Americans who are sick at the thought of our daughters dating outside their race,” said Howard from behind a table of red MAGA hats and “Blue Lives Matter” stickers. “I’ve been practicing in the mirror for weeks now, trying to come up with exactly the right slur to say. I’m scheduled to go up right after Trump makes a big display about having a war widow in the crowd — that’s the perfect time for me to say something about how refugees are stealing our jobs. It’s going to tear the place down.”

Senior White House Official and favorite Trump son Jared Kushner empathizes with Howard’s excitement.

“After my dad went to jail, I was desperate for a new father figure to make me complicit in criminal activity. I’d be lost if it wasn’t for President Trump,” said Kushner while loading a gun and holding it to the head of a newborn kitten. “When you pay your dues with Donny, you’re rewarded handsomely — not only did I get to be on the ‘street team’ he put together to attack the Central Park Five, but after I proved myself, he gave me his favorite daughter!”

“He told me he would’ve kept Ivanka for himself but the optics might not be great. What a guy!” Kushner added. “Always giving.”

Trump knows how much it means to aspiring racists and fascists to be seen and heard, giving back to the younger generation any way he can.

“I remember what it was like, being one of the new jacks on the scene: you’re awkward, you don’t know what ethnic group you should be directing your hate towards. It’s tough. It’s real tough,” said Trump while coughing directly into a nearby aide’s face. “Back in the day, you know, we only had Blacks and the Chinese to rally against, and the Chinese already had a wall. Show me another President who will let their merch guy come up and say a few words — everyone else is scared to let the merch guy talk, especially Sleepy Joe. His merch guy probably runs Antifa.”

Following the event, President Trump was overheard threatening the rally’s promoter to pay him his full appearance fee despite the terrible attendance.

The Lack of Female Leadership in Right-Wing Militias Is Problematic

Posted on by Gregg Gethard

Women have made great strides in earning leadership positions throughout American culture, having overcome decades of gender inequality and a glass ceiling. But there’s one area that is still having a stand-off against women ascending to positions of power—right-wing militias!

It’s highly problematic that no woman leads any of the 576 groups classified by the Southern Poverty Law Center as an extremist right-wing anti-government militia. Women have not been able to steer renowned organizations like the Wolverine Watchmen or the Iowa Defenders of the Homeland Shield as they plan attacks on a Bureau of Land Management’s home. And that’s just not right!

I understand that this would create a paradigm shift for right-wing militia members—having to consider gender norms while parading around rural woodlands conducting military exercises to counter the encroaching cruelty of an overreaching federal government. But imagine how much more right-wing militias could accomplish if women were allowed to enter the C-suites and boardrooms of shadowy, splinter off-shoots of the Oath Keepers?

Female-led right-wing militias would be able to do so much more than to bring dangerous, untraceable firearms to a protest against basic public health measures. No longer would the aims of homegrown right-wing paramilitary units be limited to commemorating the Ruby Ridge Massacre or conducting citizen’s arrests on migrant families. For too long, America’s collection of second amendment aficionados have lacked the imagination needed when trying to return America to the gold standard in defiance of the globalist tyranny of the Federal Reserve System.

It’s time for our camouflage wearing bearded heroes to promote women to leadership positions. No longer do women just want to merely help while procuring heavily regulated industrial-grade explosives purchased with fraudulently obtained credit cards. Instead, women want to lead the charge when launching the inevitable race war that will last for 1,000 years.

Time’s Up, right-wing militiamen! It’s now your turn to break down the patriarchal hierarchy and be a part of the dialogue!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.