We Ranked the Top 5 Weed Strains for Playing One Match of Rocket League and Going to Bed

Posted on by Andy Holt

Getting high and playing video games can be a lot of fun, but you want to make sure you combine the right strain with the right game. Here’s our ranking of the top five weed strains for just playing one match of Rocket League and then realizing you’re tired so you go to bed.

5 – Purple Punch

A mix of two classic strains, Larry OG and Grandaddy Purple, this tart indica will slow your reflexes to a standstill—giving you the perfect excuse for why you got absolutely owned in a single match of comp duo. Take one more hit and go to bed by 10:30. You’re washed.

4 – Bubba Kush

With a perfect mix of muscle relaxation and euphoria, this legendary strain delivers—unlike you when your teammates need you most. With tasting notes of chocolate and coffee on the exhale, you’ll feel tranquility throughout your body, giving up on the match with a couple minutes to go. There are still some Reese’s in the freezer and then it’s off to sleep.

3 – Granddaddy Purple

A quick-growing medicinal strain, Granddaddy Purple is a common choice to fight pain, stress, insomnia, appetite loss, and muscle spasms. But it’s no treatment for your total lack of commitment to League. Your default-car-using ass will get laughed off the pitch as usual, and while you won’t be able to hear it, just know your teammates will be screaming at their televisions halfway across the world.

2 – Grape Ape

Developed more recently in a laboratory setting, this complex, fruity variety is a feat of technical mastery, like those gorgeous aerials your opponents do over your head while you drive around looking for boost. Not that you’d know what to do with the boost anyway—you’ll whiff by the ball and land under the covers, out cold. You’ll need to rest up to do the same thing tomorrow.

1 – King Louis

Named for the French king who popularized wigs among men in Europe, King Louis is known for its piney taste and earthy smell. A little more energetic than the other indicas on this list, it’ll give you a little burst of giddiness when you luck into a goal in the first minute. Maybe I’m actually good at this game, you’ll think. Try to hold onto that feeling after your internet cuts out and you’re too high to reset your router. Tuck in with your phone on LTE, open up your ex’s Instagram page and call it a night. You’ve earned it.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Image

Cyberpunk 2077 Character Creator Lets You Choose Which Movies Your Avatar Thinks are Overrated

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — The latest level of detail available in the character creation suite of CD Projekt Red’s upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 has been revealed; the ability to choose which well received films your player will think are overrated.

“This is truly the level of immersion and customization we’ve always dreamed of bringing to our games,” said Marcin Iwiński, co-founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red. “In addition to hair, teeth, and genitals, we think a defining characteristic of a person can really be whether or not they light up when they get the chance to point out that they didn’t like Uncut Gems as much as everybody else did.” 

The game, originally announced eight years ago, has experienced many delays and rescheduled release dates, largely due to the unprecedented levels of character customization allowed in the title. 

“When you see your character run across the dystopian street in 60fps at 4k resolution to engage in an in depth conversation with an NPC that is praising Fight Club, I think you’ll agree that all of the delays have been worth it,” Iwiński added. 

Despite this groundbreaking level of innovation, many gamers have said they would gladly exchange some of the more in depth features for an earlier release date. 

“Ok, cool, I like messing around in character creators as much as the next person,” said Edwin Howe, a gamer who is eagerly awaiting Cyberpunk 2077 and used a vacation day on its previously confirmed release date of November 21st. “But I’m not really interested in what Brian De Palma films I want my character to think are due for a cultural reassessment, I just want to, like, play it. When can I play it?” 

Cyberpunk 2077 is set to release on December 10th, with an expected day one patch that introduces sliders allowing you to choose exactly how much your character would like to argue about The Last Jedi.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Image

Local Woman Moves ‘Trump Supporter’ Ahead of ‘Christian’ and ‘Mother’ in Twitter Bio

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

HINSDALE, Ill. — Twitter user Shannon Nichols updated her profile bio today, moving “Trump Supporter” ahead of her other chosen descriptors of “Christian, Mother, Entrepreneur, Police Wife, Unapologetically Straight & White,” confirmed family members who muted her long ago.

“Do I love Trump more than Jesus? At this moment, yes, I do. I know that Jesus understands why I put Trump first. Jesus would have put Trump in his Twitter bio if he were alive today,” Nichols said to anyone who would listen. “My 15 followers need to know this election was stolen from him and that I’m doing my part to keep America great. Sure, I have my bumper stickers, lawn signs, flags, T-shirts, sweatpants, table cloth, hat, and framed photos of Trump to show my unflinching support, but thanks to China unleashing COVID on us, nobody can see those things. Twitter bios are a sacred place, and I want to make sure Trump is well displayed in mine.”

Nichols’ family has not let this change in her profile go unnoticed.

“I check in on my mom’s Twitter feed a few times a month so she doesn’t realize I blocked her,” Nichols’ daughter Arwyn said without looking up from her phone. “Her priorities have definitely been shifting as the election gets closer. And as the ‘mother’ label slips further and further down her list, I wish I could say it doesn’t hurt. Then again, we haven’t spoken since I put #AOC in my bio.”

Social media expert Antoinette Tate is very familiar with the importance of ranking one’s identity in a bio.

“Particularly with those who are politically active, they make it a point to announce their affiliation, as if that is the most important part of their identity — and also, I believe, to invite people who disagree with them to engage on the platform,” Tate explained while deleting her own Twitter account. “While it was once a place to playfully state your Hogwarts’ school or preferred video game console, now it’s more important than your professional resumé. This is like a high-stakes Myspace Top 8.”

Nichols has since added even more American flag emojis to her bio, just in case people don’t get that she “loves America.”

Metalhead at Torture Museum Googling Every Contraption to See if It’s Already a Band Name

Posted on by Henrik Persson

AMSTERDAM — Belgian metalhead Joost Lambert spent nearly four hours in the Museum of Torture yesterday looking up every item on display to see if any bands were already named after them, perplexed museum staff confirmed.

“I play lead guitar in a killer new band, but we’re really struggling to find a badass band name that conveys a message of, ‘We will kill you, painfully and slowly,’” said Lambert while recharging his depleted Android. “I’ve tried the usual tricks: borrowing books about wars, reading Lovecraft, and just browsing bad horror movies, but so far, nothing. Turns out most of these are already claimed in the Encyclopaedia Metallum, too. I can’t believe Breast Ripper was taken!”

Museum staff found Lambert’s behavior not only confusing, but distracting to other patrons.

“We get our share of weirdos in here, as you can imagine. But this guy is special. First, I thought he was just very into it and wanted to read more about each item online — he got really excited about The Judas Cradle, and then swore and walked away,” museum guide Pelle Jansen said while waiting for Lambert to finish. “There are children here trying to learn about these instruments of death; it’s no place for foul language. Plus, he breezed past some of the major attractions, like the Iron Maiden. I feel like this guy’s really missing out on the best parts of the museum.”

Metal historian Francesca Green is familiar with the naming problems facing many new metal bands today.

“Writing, recording, and producing a killer album used to be the hard part, but today, that’s just the beginning. The real hard work begins when it’s time to come up with a band name that isn’t lame as fuck. Over the last 10 years, we’ve seen a sharp increase in the number of bands that don’t make it past the demo stage, simply because there are no evil-sounding names available,” said Green. “A lot of bands resort to randomized names: they write down a dozen nouns on pieces of paper — preferably body parts — then a dozen more with evil-sounding verbs.
Then they just draw one of each and put them together. It’s how you get band names like Abdomen Defenestration.”

Lambert was last seen on his way home to a Zoom rehearsal with his band, tentatively named “Gift Shop in Basement.”

Lunch Worth More Than Hour of Labor

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

NASHUA, N.H. — Pheasant Lane Mall Target employee Trevor Bennequist clocked out yesterday for lunch, only to discover that buying food would cost him more than an hour of his labor, unsurprised courses confirmed.

“My normal Bacon 3 Cheesteak sub went up to $7.75 — that’s higher than New Hampshire minimum wage, and I don’t even get cheesy fries or a drink. I could get a smaller sandwich, but this is really gonna be the only thing I eat today, because I’m going straight to my second job from here and I won’t be able to eat dinner,” recounted Bennequist, still wearing his misspelled name tag. “My friends say I should make food at home, but going to the grocery store is like spending a day and a half’s pay all at once. Sometimes Newbury Comics or Spencer Gifts will throw out those edible gummy dicks; I could eat those for breakfast and hope that’s enough to keep me from passing out.”

Across the country, food prices continue to rise while wages stagnate at dirt-ass levels — an issue echoed at the management level as well.

“If I raise his pay, he’ll just want fancier things, like bigger sandwiches or health care,” complained Albert Schnell, Bennequist’s manager. “It’s not my problem whether or not my employees have the means to survive. They asked me to put snacks in the break room, but I ain’t running a charity — we’re a struggling, mom-and-pop Target, and we’re getting our asses handed to us by online retailers. He should be thankful we honor government-mandated breaks in the first place, but it’s not our job to make sure his belly is full. They want better wages, they can go get a job at the Piercing Pagoda.”

The rising cost of living has raised ethical questions about the treatment of the modern worker in capitalist America.

“It’s messed up that I’m worth more than the kid’s time,” explained the Bacon 3 Cheesteak. “I mean, I’m clearly not a gourmet meal — I’m mostly horsemeat and recycled light bulbs that were too toxic to go into a landfill. Frankly, more and more people can’t afford me and walk on by; I’m actually a three-week-old sandwich. That’s like, 107 in sandwich years. Maybe the system doesn’t work if Americans can’t afford to eat garbage.”

Bennequist later attempted to run to the bathroom, schedule a doctor’s appointment, and cash his $67 check all during his only 15-minute break of the day.

Poser Report: I Go To Shows All the Time if You Count Church

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Yeah dude, I love going to local shows! I go to at least one show a week, mostly on Sundays in the morning. Wait, we are counting church right?

Because if we aren’t counting church, then I’ve only actually been to like one show. There’s no reason not to though since church and local shows are basically the same thing. Some long-haired guy lectures the crowd for 40 minutes and then the band plays two or three songs. The only difference is that one has songs with lyrics about some vaguely violent subject matter ripped right out of the middle ages and the other is a DIY punk show.

Who needs shows anyways? Not me. Loud music? Swearing? Staying up past 9pm? No thank you! I’d much rather be in bed eating plain saltines and watching “God’s Not Dead” than trapped in a basement filled with young people who have tattoos and use… *gulp*… cannabis.

I only smoke one drug, and his name is Jesus.

I can’t understand why anyone would prefer a smelly basement over the megachurch I go to. Our stage has professional grade lighting and sound equipment and is nearly the size of a small football stadium. We’ve also got a swimming pool, gym, movie theater, arcade and a bouncy castle. What don’t we have? Sinning and taxes.

Church not your speed? Well you’re in luck because I’ll be hosting a youth bible study at the library on Saturday. We’ll start by reading a few passages, and then yours truly has a couple of original songs about a certain son of God that he’d like to share with the group.

If a righteous guy like me singing about the holy spirit in this increasingly secular world isn’t punk rock, then I don’t know what is.

Look, I understand that church might not seem very “fire” or “TikTok” or whatever term the kids are using these days. It’s not for everyone, and I respect your opinion not to attend. It’s morally wrong and just plain insensitive to force religion on people. All I’m saying is that everyone who doesn’t go to church every week will burn in hell for all eternity.

Sorry, I don’t make the rules!

Phish Fan Prefers 4-10-2009 Version of Wife Telling Him to Get a Fucking Life

Posted on by Ryan Werner

EFFINGHAM, N.H. — Phish devotee Pete Selner was told by his wife yet again last week to “get a fucking life,” which pales in comparison to previous verbal assaults over their 19-year relationship, particularly to the insult levied on April 10, 2009.

“I hear it all the time from her. It’s kind of a staple in the set,” said Selner. “This time was good, but the absolute best ever was the April ‘09 version — I remember I’d just done some whip-its and was settling into a super heady, prog-era show from ’89 on the front porch. She warmed up with a fairly standard, ‘Did you pay the water bill?’ and then, I don’t know if it was the shampoo in her hair or what, but that transition into ‘Get a fucking life’ just floored me.”

Even those outside of the Phish “phandom” know about the legend of that 4-10-2009 showing of contempt.

“I’ve lived next door to them for 15 years, and I don’t think I ever heard her sound like she did that day in April,” said neighbor Nadia Smykowski. “On the same note, I also don’t think I’ve gone a week without hearing him or one of his dirty buddies yell out, ‘Page side, rage side,’ on the front porch. What’s he call people like that? A wook? He’s a wook for sure. I think. I don’t know, man. I’m from Wisconsin — New England is weird.”

For Selner’s wife herself, it’s a memory less fond, and a dynamic less confusing.

“Oh, yeah… that one was pretty gnarly, unfortunately,” said Jamie Selner. “I had a four hour meeting at work about proofreading procedures, only to come home and find out mid-shower that Pete flaked on paying the water bill. Some people might argue that any of the times I’ve told Pete to go fuck himself sound exactly the same, but if you really listen, there are small, improvised differences. It’s nuanced, and each time is such a personal experience.”

Listeners also report Jamie’s most recent version of “I’m so glad we never had kids” sounded a little flat when compared to her premier performance at a Marriott in Providence, R.I. on 7-07-16.

Leprechaun Assures Wife That Mortal Kombat Is Going to Call Any Day Now

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MAPLE GROVE, Minn. — The titular star of the Leprechaun series of films has reportedly been assuring his family that the developers of Mortal Kombat will be calling him to offer a contract any day now. 

“He really needs to get this silly Mortal Kombat idea out of his head,” said Ellen O’Shaughnessy, longtime wife of the Leprechaun and mother to his three children. “After those Hood sequels dried up, he did all the usual things you’d expect; conventions, appearances, Cameo. But lately he’s somehow convinced himself that he’s going to be joining the fighters in the new Mortal Kombat game, and I just don’t have the heart to tell him that it doesn’t really seem like their style. I wish he’d let this movie star thing go and just get a job at a car lot or something. He’s got children to feed!” 

Citing recent introductions of cinematic characters to the franchise including Robocop, Rambo, and a T-800 Terminator, the Leprechaun, who was famously portrayed by Warwick Davis in the series of Leprechaun films, has reportedly taken that to mean his inclusion is an inevitability. 

“At this point, we have no immediate plans to include the Leprechaun in any future DLC,” said Aisha Cobb, a representative from NetherRealm Studios. “While that doesn’t mean we won’t be including any more characters for future releases, we’re pretty sure Leprechaun is too small and would kind of screw up a lot of the matchups and animations and stuff like that. Maybe he could call the Brawlhalla people? They don’t give a fuck over there.”

When reached for comment, the Leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies was undeterred. 

“I know what will convince them to put me in their little game,” said the tiny creature. “A look at one of me shiny gold coins! And if that’s not enough to convince them, maybe a shillacking from my shillelagh will do the trick! I belong in Mortal Kombat 11 and you can’t change me mind!”

As of press time, NetherRealm Studios had announced the newest pack of fighters coming to Mortal Kombat 11, including Grogu, Chucky, and the kid from The Omen. 

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Image

Alex Honnold Completes First Free Solo Ascent of PS5

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

YOSEMITE, Calif. — Rock climber Alex Honnold has shocked both the athletic and gaming worlds by completing the first free solo ascent of a PlayStation 5.

“The thing about the PS5 is that it’s big. So big, in fact, that someone could climb up it like a mountain. I know that sounds like a joke, but it’s not a joke at all; in fact, it’s actually what Alex did today and we’re incredibly impressed,” said rock climbing documentarian Jimmy Chin. “It’s undeniably a monumental feat and I’m excited that we were able to cover the climb as my next documentary feature coming out in winter 2021, titled Free to Solo.”

Honnold explained at a press conference today how he was able to complete the ascent.

“Free soloing PS5 was extraordinarily difficult, as it is slightly taller and steeper than El Cap,” Honnold explained. “There are a few tricky areas that were difficult to get past, but I spent months developing the path I would take. The hardest part was when I had to wedge my body into the crevice of the disc drive for about 25 minutes of climbing. It’s scary, because you know that if you make any mistake, that’s it — you’re dead, especially because the PS5 was on a big bookshelf. Not even the carpeted floor beneath would have saved me.”

According to Honnold’s wife, Sanni McCandless, the climb was especially scary for friends and family, who feared for Honnold’s life.

“I knew what I got into when I married Alex, but it’s just terrifying saying goodbye to him in the morning knowing that it could be the last time,” McCandless said. “I thought I was used to it when he just rock climbed. It’s far scarier knowing that he’s doing the same difficult free solos and he’s a gamer now. It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is the life he chooses for himself.”

At press time, Honnold was at a video game repair shop, trying to see if he could fix his PS5 after getting chalk all over it.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Image

An Open Letter To Guitar Teachers: Watching Pedal Demos Is Practice

Posted on by John Danek

Dear Guitar teachers of the world,

Who hurt you?

Every week, my guitar lesson starts off the same. I fumble my way into almost finishing a minor pentatonic scale and my teacher asks the same boring, old-person question: “Did you even practice last week?”

The answer is yes. I practiced for over 30 hours, according to my YouTube history. I told my guitar teacher I practiced acquiring the knowledge necessary to become a successful musician. He told me his rates were going up.

I declare that it’s time for guitar teachers of the world to accept the simple fact that watching people dick around with expensive effects pedals online is a valid form of practice! I’m sorry that this doesn’t align with your puritanical views on learning “the CAGED system,” or “sweep picking,” or “the fretboard.” Maybe you just didn’t get what the person I was watching was going for.

Why would I waste time learning the Phrygian mode when I can just get a Russian Big Muff Pi, plug it into a Strymon Timeline delay, then fart in the general direction of my guitar’s pickups? All that’s left to do is record that shit into Ableton, loop it while applying filters, and sit back while Pitchfork labels me Best New Music.

Meanwhile, you guitar teachers are setting students up for a lifetime of playing low-volume blues gigs while watching people shove brisket into their faces at the local brewery. Shameful.

Do you think guitarists backstage talk about whether they prefer a F#m7 or an F#m9? No. They like to intimidate each other with contrarian opinions like, “I actually always thought the TS-9 Tubescreamer sounds like ass, I prefer my Klon Centaur.” The language musicians use to communicate with each other is “pretension” not “theory.” That said, the two can often appear the same.

You tell us to study the works of Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, and Chet Atkins. I’m saying we should study Dan & Mick from That Pedal Show, the curly-haired guy from Reverb who doesn’t use a pick, and the smooth Wes Anderson-esque directorial stylings of Josh from JHS Effects. At least that stuff is fun.

Who even takes guitar lessons anymore? If you cared about your students’ futures in music, you’d teach them how to install an Antares Auto-Tune VST plugin. That will be around far longer than the guitar ever will.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.