I’m Helping Raise Marginalized Voices by Talking Over Them

Posted on December 4, 2020 by Mirinda Moriarty

Hey! I said HEY!!! Shut up for a second. God damn. Look, just because I’m a white cis male doesn’t mean that I don’t see the struggles of BIPOC and the LGBTQ+ community. I SEE you and I FEEL you. Most importantly, I HEAR you. But even more most importantly, I’m going to help the world hear you. I’m going to lift up all your voices. Because you’re going to have to talk loud as fuck if anyone’s gonna hear you over this sick bullhorn I brought.

And no, you can’t use it.

First things first, I’m an anarchist. That shit is law, dude. For instance, I did not vote in this election. Instead, I went online and ordered the loudest megaphone that unemployment benefits can buy. Sure, I didn’t have a job to lose when the pandemic hit but it’s not illegal to exclude your adult allowance on a benefit application. So here we are.

Many of you don’t seem to understand that in order to change the systemic racial prejudices in our society calls for direct action. You need to be loud enough so people will change their ways and to tear down the structures that support it. Like, see how loud I’m being right now? You all need to be louder than this if anyone is gonna hear what you have to say. And what you have to say is so important. That’s why I’m here to help.

If I can’t hear you, they can’t hear you! And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s really hard to listen when you’re talking.

Sorry, but I have to cut this short. Musician’s Friend is having a sale right now on PA systems. Raise your voice!

Unemployed Man Certain He’s Not Qualified for Job by How High Salary Is

Posted on December 4, 2020 by Josh Klasco

DENVER — Unemployed linguistics major Steve Carter spent hours looking through job boards yesterday before ultimately declining to apply for any positions upon noticing the attractive salaries promised, sources close to the realistic man confirmed.

“I need a job really bad, and there’s some stuff out there I think I’m qualified for… but as soon as I get to the compensation part and it doesn’t say something unpromising like ‘DOE’ or ‘to be discussed,’ I’m out,” said Carter. “Basically, anything that breaks down to more than $13 an hour is risky, and if there’s mention of a generous benefits package or paid time off, that’s a huge red flag. Whatever they need me to do in exchange for that is just not something I’m able, or probably even willing, to do. You have to read between the lines with these things.”

Martha Pratkov, a career advisor at Colorado State University, noted that stories like Carter’s are all too common.

“Steve is a lovely young man. He’s even kinda smart. But he’s a linguistics major who’s worked as a barista most of his adult life. He really has no business applying to jobs that pay more than $35,000 a year,” said Prathkov. “Maybe he’d have better prospects if he knew how to do that thing where you program Excel to auto-populate data, or had a CEO uncle. Unfortunately, Steve shows no interest in acquiring profitable skills, like computer programming, or nepotism. At this rate, I’m afraid he’ll remain a low-earner unless he learns how to be useful or get grandfathered in somewhere.”

History major Gabriela Rimoni agreed, remembering a time when she saw this same scenario play out before her very eyes.

“I was in an interview for an admin role at a tech start-up. Everything was going great until the interviewer said the job requires someone who’s good with numbers,” recalled an emotional Rimoni. “Like an idiot, I said, ‘I’m great with numbers! Ask me the dates of the Nicean Councils!’ and it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. The interviewer stammered something about having to finish some reports and bolted out of her own office.”

Carter is currently working his sixth day straight, filling out grad school applications between cappuccinos with several coworkers who majored in theater.

Meet the 16-Year-Old Activist Fighting With Her Mom

Posted on December 4, 2020 by Sarah Feliciano

Here at Hot Topic, the air is thick with unrest and Manic Panic hair dye fumes, and the site where brave teen activist, Kimmy Lopez, has been demonstrating in support of teen rights by passive-aggressively bickering with her mom for nearly 3 hours straight.

We had the chance to speak with Lopez, 16, outside of the suburban mall store, which she described as a historical landmark for young women everywhere. “Like, when I’m here, I feel the weight of all the girls who have come before me. All the girls that fought their moms and won. Yes, all the girls who made their moms buy them that Misfits t-shirt. The one with the skull.”

Watch out, Emma Goldman! Red Kimmy over here is about to blow up!

We asked Lopez what led to her taking up such a noble cause. She told us a harrowing tale of the time when, at 13 years old, her mom had walked into her room with a stack of folded laundry. “She didn’t knock and my friend Jessica was right there. I couldn’t believe it.”

That’s when she knew it was going to be a lifelong battle.

We asked Lopez’s mother, Lina Lopez, her thoughts on her daughter’s activism. “I guess I’m the worst mother in the world!” Lina told us as she took out her credit card to pay for some pre-ripped tights she was willing to compromise on.

Mr. Lopez declined to comment but Kimmy’s pretty sure he’d tell us to go ask her mom.

Goth Hides Stack of The Cure’s “Pornography” in Woods

Posted on December 4, 2020 by John Danek

BANGOR, Maine — Middle-aged goth Richard Irwin stashed his collection of The Cure’s landmark fourth album “Pornography” in the woods behind his house yesterday to keep his family from finding the large amounts of vinyl, excited neighborhood teens report.

“Look, I have kids now, and I just don’t want to risk scarring them at such a young age. ‘Pornography’ is a serious album, and you don’t just jump from the Wiggles to the Cure without serious ramifications,” explained Irwin, who promised his wife he’d no longer bring such depraved material into the house. “So I went deep into a forest and found a perfect place to stuff this waterproof bag with all the various editions I own. And if I’m feeling randy, I’ll take this battery-powered turntable into the woods, bite my lip, and revel in miserable ecstasy while applying some light mascara.”

Reports indicate local horny teenagers found the salacious stash very quickly.

“Let’s just say that I found a very interesting pile of stuff the other day, if you know what I mean,” hinted local 7th grader Skyler Anderson, showing the first signs of an incoming thin mustache. “I’ve been turning a nice little profit by sharing it with my schoolmates who haven’t experienced anything this hardcore before. They never know what to do with themselves, especially once ‘The Hanging Garden’ starts. But if anyone asks, you didn’t hear about it from me. My mom would kill me.”

The Cure’s frontman Robert Smith weighed in, recommending care be taken to not expose it to children.

“‘Pornography’ should only be enjoyed by those mentally fit enough to withstand the titillating and supremely depressing subject matter contained within,” said Smith, who has started sharing stories of each track from the album on OnlyFans. “Maybe ease your children into it by playing ‘Friday I’m In Love’ in the car, or adding ‘Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me’ to their Spotify library. Before you know it, they’ll be addicted to ‘Pornography’ and maybe start a tribute band to perform ‘Pornography’ themselves.”

Irwin’s secret stash has reportedly grown significantly in the last day, adding Extreme’s “Pornograffiti,” Big Black’s “Songs About Fucking,” and Dave Matthews Band’s “Crash.”

Guy Who Brought Switch to Rooftop Party Disappointed Everybody Just Doing Coke Off It

Posted on December 3, 2020 by Peter Casciato

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Gamer Brian Kology was disappointed after his attempt at livening up a rooftop party by bringing his Nintendo Switch along resulted in everybody snorting cocaine off of its surface.

“I don’t normally get invited to these kinds of things, so I really wanted to make a good impression,” said Kology, who moved to the city last year and has yet to find a new permanent social circle. “I figured I could kick things up a notch by bringing the Switch, you know, make it a night we’d never forget. Within five minutes, I realized that this would be a night very few people remembered. You know, because of the copious amount of drugs.”

According to those familiar with the situation, while Kology was attempting to explain the rules of Overcooked to some disinterested partygoers, someone grabbed the Switch from his hands and declared that the party had officially started.

“That dude’s fucking dope,” said one guest who was clearly under the influance of multiple substances. “ Anyone who brings a specialized cocaine mirror to a party is clearly a fucking monster. That thing even lit up, bro! I hope I get to party with him again.”

Despite the warm reception and overall increase in party morale, Kology was livid about the turn of events.

“I thought maybe they were playing some Mario Kart in the bathroom,” said a despondent Kology. “But, I guess they’re all interested in a different kind of speed. Cocaine getting into the guts of it is almost certainly going to cause joycon drift. This party sucks.”

Kology reportedly left the party after getting excited because he heard someone yell that they wanted to play Smash, realizing a moment later that they had actually yelled that they were looking to “get smashed.”

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Man Who Eats, Sleeps, and Breathes Video Games Advised by Doctor to Stop Doing That

Posted on December 3, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

BOSTON — Urgently advising the at-risk man to change his dangerous lifestyle immediately, a doctor at Massachusetts General Hospital advised patient William Shelton to stop “eating, sleeping, and breathing video games,” sources close to the patient confirmed today.

“I was asking my standard questions, such as exercise habits, diet, smoking and drinking, and then out of nowhere [Shelton] casually mentions that he basically only consumes video games 24/7. Needless to say, I began running tests on him immediately,” said Dr. Stephen Fried, while reviewing CT scans showing the affects years of gaming had had on Shelton’s brain. “It’s always good to catch these kinds of things early on, so I’m relieved that he casually mentioned it like that.”

Shelton says he was surprised at his doctor’s stern reaction to his lifestyle.

“All I said was that I crush noobs in CoD on the regular, day or night, and suddenly they’re wheeling me into a special room on a stretcher for inspection,” said Shelton, playing his Nintendo Switch from inside an MRI machine while nurses attempted to wrestle it from his hands. “I guarantee there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve been playing games all day every day since I was a kid, and just look at how I turned out!”

At press time, Shelton was reportedly being contacted by his supervisor at work after making an alarming claim on social media that he plays video games like it’s his job.

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How Being Too Scared To Use the Oven Introduced Me To the All Raw Meat Diet

Posted on December 3, 2020 by Jonah Nink

Put down that well-done fillet mignon, king! Sure, it tastes good and isn’t full of foodborne pathogens, but you’re missing out on the greatest health craze since leeches: the all-raw meat diet. Take it from me, a former cooked meat-loving weakling turned muscle-bound raw meat purist. Well, as soon as my hands have healed enough to pick up some meat, that is. I just burned them pretty bad while re-reheating some DiGiorno in the oven so I’m never using that fucker again. It’s all raw for me from here on out!

Sure, with an all raw meat diet I might have to make a trip to the emergency room a few times a week. But what about these hypothetical pecs? I mean I assume the meat just, like, globs onto my meat or whatever so I’ll just have my body tell the meat to start with my pecs. Before ya know it, I’ll be jacked and maybe then the stove won’t seem as scary as it does in this hand-throbbing moment.

Besides, what good are ovens anyway? All they do is get real hot and make scary noises. Probably because demons dwell within them. Can you believe that you can just walk into Lowes and buy an oven without any sort of background check? I told the guy at the gun show that while I was buying my third AR-15 and he couldn’t believe it!

Most doctors say that a raw meat diet is dangerous over time. Well, my oven is dangerous RIGHT NOW. Besides, when have a bunch of scientists even been right about anything? Those nerds said the same thing to my uncle when they said that smoking would kill him. Wrong! He got shot fighting a guy over cigarettes.

Basically, eating cooked meat makes you a wussy little baby bug boy. Sure, your body is a “temple,” but mine is a 50,000 seat megachurch next to a SpaceX launchpad and it’s all thanks to the all raw meat diet.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw out my microwave.

Phone Still Works as Long as You Don’t Need to Send Outgoing Texts, Receive Voicemail, Use Most Apps, Unplug for More Than One Minute

Posted on December 3, 2020 by Krissy Howard

BALTIMORE — An obviously broken phone that you for some reason refuse to replace reportedly does still work, assuming you don’t need to use it for anything, according to you.

“Most people would say that this thing is on its last legs, but that’s just because everyone is a slave to consumerism, and probably also because the screen is just a bunch of squiggly lines unless you press down on the one corner,” you said, while carefully tip-toeing away from the phone after you think you may have finally inserted the charger in a way that it may power it. “It may look and seem and even sound broken, based on how you can’t hear anything on it and I can’t make outgoing calls, but you can still check email and get some texts as long as they are less than six words, so I think it’s still got a few years left on it.”

Experts in the field agreed with your assessment of the phone, adding that the measures taken to keep the phone active are “really not that big of a deal, once you get used to it.”

“Many people would have you believe that a cell phone stops working the minute you can’t take it with you outside of the house because it dies as soon as it becomes unplugged, but those people couldn’t be more wrong. There’s still plenty of life in a phone like that, as long as you delete apps one at a time to make room for pics or contacts or battery life,” assured self-proclaimed phone hacks expert, Chris Tran. “Sure, it may take anywhere from two days to three weeks to receive a voicemail, and usually requires a hard reboot of the phone to get there, but who the hell is leaving voicemails these days anyway? Grandmas and doctors? How important could those messages be?”

Despite your insistence that the phone still works, those around you continue to express frustration for the 11th consecutive month.

“It’s absolutely insane and completely unnecessary,” said friend who’s been trying to reach you for weeks, Marissa Valentine. “They need like, three devices to send a single message and their living room looks like some hacker movie from the ‘90s. On the plus side, they’ve started sending letters once a week to reach out, and getting mail feels kinda Pinterest-y and is just always kinda nice.”

Following a recent incident involving a cat’s tail and glass of water, your phone is expected to make a full recovery, assuming that you keep a fan on it at all times and don’t need to look at or touch it ever again.

Opinion: I Hate 311 for Making Me Like 311

Posted on December 3, 2020 by Eric Navarro

I hate 311. They are my nemesis. Why, you ask? Because they committed the worst crime of all. Something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. They made me like 311.

Not even Nickelback would stoop so low.

Let me walk something back. I don’t like 311. I LOVE 311. I have loved 311 since I was a small child and heard the sweet sounds of slap bass, reggae grooves, and, of course, rap/rock vocals. And ever since I’ve been ridiculed mercilessly every time I admit any of that. I love 311. And, therefore, I hate myself.

More-so, I hate them. Do you think the members of 311 have any idea what it’s like to admit to liking 311? Of course they don’t! Why would they? They listen to good music. Just look at their stated influences: The Clash, Bad Brains, Helmet, Led Zeppelin. They have great taste! It’s even incorporated into their music, which is such an insidious way to lure in innocent victims like myself.

How could this have happened? I spent my whole adolescence hating meathead jocks and spoiled cheerleaders, and that’s their whole fan-base! Being associated with a bunch of jeep-driving, tribal tattoo-having, post-college bros is embarrassing. Try admitting you like 311 in public. Juggalos will laugh at you. Yet every time I go to a 311 show, these trad-life jocks welcome me with open arms and potent weed! Why can’t they be the assholes I wish they were?!

I’m not here to debate if 311 rules. 311 rules. That’s a fact. I’m here to plead with the puppet-masters, themselves. So to Nick, Chad, Tim, Doug, and Aaron (that’s right, I’m real-naming you, P-nut), please, for the sake of all your fans: Please stop making us like you.

Please stop consistently cranking out timeless, summer jams perfect for outdoor amphitheater shows and conveniently scheduled for a late Spring release. Please stop promoting progressive political and social views years before it was trendy. All you’re doing is making it harder for regular people to walk around and live their lives without having to admit, even if it’s only to themselves, that they are a 311 fan. So many already have to bear this burden. Please, do us right. Don’t let us down.

Chance the Rapper Announces Collaboration With Cousin Community Chest the Rapper

Posted on December 3, 2020 by Bobby Korec

CHICAGO — Hip hop artist and aspiring real estate tycoon Chancelor Johnathan Bennett, known professionally as Chance the Rapper, plans to collaborate next with his less successful cousin Community Chest the Rapper, sources reported.

“I’ve wanted to work with my ‘cuz ever since I bailed him out of jail for free,” said Bennett while walking his Scottish Terrier down a strip of Ventnor Avenue he recently purchased. “I would’ve done it sooner, but I’ve been so busy scooping up and developing property all over town. It’s like, the more money I acquire, the more houses I want to build. It’s kind of addicting. I’m even thinking about putting up a hotel or two while I’m at it. Anyway, I’m pretty stoked to work with Chest on a new track, even though it probably won’t happen until after I close on my dream property on the Boardwalk.”

Community Chest the Rapper, more colloquially known to co-workers as Chase Bennett, was pleasantly surprised by the collaboration

“He’s been giving me the runaround for years,” said Community Chest the Rapper from his rented apartment. “However, I’ve recently come into some unexpected cash, so I’m not totally dependent on those soon-to-be royalties anyway. Just yesterday I won a cash prize for coming in second place in a beauty contest, and later that same day, something known as a ‘bank error in my favor’ led to an extra $200 in my pocket. I mean, I’m still broke as shit and can’t afford property regardless — it feels like only a matter of time before I get absolutely crushed by the few who own everything in this unfettered capitalistic system.”

Experts have long documented the importance of family in hip hop.

“Collaborations with family members are surprisingly very popular in this genre,” said music historian Rachel Spienstra. “For instance, did you know that like a third of the Wu-Tang Clan are actually cousins? It’s true. Wu-Tang is extremely family-oriented. And they’re always looking to recruit new members at large Thanksgiving gatherings. Pretty honorable of them.”

At press time, Community Chest the Rapper had to cancel plans to record their new track last minute after being unable to land free parking near the studio.

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