Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Help! It’s Well Into December and I Forgot How to Nut!

Posted on December 10, 2021 by Dan Rice

Look, I’m desperate and I don’t care how embarrassing this is anymore. This year I decided to participate in the No Nut November internet challenge. I thought it was for charity or something and by the time I found out it was some alt-right bullshit I was more than halfway through so I stuck with it anyway. Well, it turns out not everything is like riding a bike.

It was November 30th, and I was all set to start Destroy Dick December at the stroke of midnight. The clock bells rang, I unzipped my pants, and in a moment of intense panic realized in 30 days time, I completely forgot how to nut!

Okay make fun of me all you want, fine, but for the love of God HELP!

I’m really starting to freak out here, man. What if I never nut again? I tried playing one of those video games that promise you won’t be able to play it for two minutes without busting and I beat the fucking thing without a single nut! Now I’m just a guy who doesn’t know how to nut who’s really horny from sex games, which is worse!

I swear I’ve tried everything, I even went to the library! An entire building full of books and would you believe they did not have a single text dedicated to nutting. Four copies of “Windows 98 for Dummies” and not a single book that shows you how to bust a nut? Hey library, my thing is a little more important than navigating the CTRL + ALT + DELETE menu!

I even asked the lady behind the desk for help and now I’m not even allowed at that library anymore! Apparently, I’m not the first “weirdo” to ask her for help with that and they have some zero tolerance policy. I’m just looking for information!

I’m already beginning to forget small details of what busting is like. I remember I used to do it a lot. I remember that bustin’ makes me feel good. Or did I just hear that in a song? I’m so confused!

Younger Sister Wearing Hand-Me-Downs Guesses She’s Goth Too Now

Posted on December 10, 2021 by Billy Patterson

ANN ARBOR, Mich. – Local teenager Valerie Booth reluctantly made the choice to be goth after reviewing her wardrobe consisting entirely of black hand-me-down clothes from her older sister, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I never really planned on being goth, but my body and soul were crushed under the weight of countless second-hand shirts that are as black as the night,” said Booth, clearing closet space for another pair of platform boots. “With my current wardrobe, and the shitload of fishnet stockings I’m gonna inherit in a year or two, there isn’t any wiggle room. I’ll definitely have to quit the tennis team and stop listening to popular music, but I think I can make this work. I’ve already got teen angst and naturally dark hair – I just need to start shoplifting makeup and getting used to hanging out in the graveyard with a ferret or something.”

Despite the lack of choice, Linda Booth, Valerie’s mother, is optimistic about her daughter’s future as a goth.

“This family has spent a lot of money on goth clothes, and unfortunately we just don’t have the financial flexibility for Val to explore other personalities. But I think this will go well for her. She’ll be able to bond with her sister as they talk about death and loiter outside Hot Topic, and she won’t have to worry about staining her shirts ever again,” said the single mother. “And I’m hoping Val’s teenage years aren’t as challenging as her sister, but everyone I’ve spoken with says that raising your second goth is much easier than raising the first.”

Michael Lugo, an anthropology professor at the University of Michigan, says that the situation in the Booth family is actually quite common.

“Most youth subcultures are kept alive by older siblings passing clothes and accessories down to younger ones,” said Lugo while wearing a sweater vest handed down from his older brother who is a professor at an Ivy League school. “When a teen puts on the physical items, they are absorbed into the subculture through no choice of their own, which is likely why goths, punks, and skaters are still around today. In fact, the reason that subcultures like disco, greasers, and mods are no longer relevant is primarily due to the short lifespan of twentieth-century fabrics.”

At press time, Linda Booth and her husband agreed that they would have to do whatever it takes to prevent their youngest son from inheriting his older brother’s Detroit Lions gear.

This Email Could Have Been a Genuine Human Interaction

Posted on December 9, 2021 by Dan Rice

In today’s fast-paced world time is precious, and my generation is fond of pointing out how many time-draining in-person interactions could easily be reduced to an email. While I agree with that sentiment when it comes to work meetings and voting I gotta say, I keep re-reading this email my buddy TJ sent me, and I think this email could have been, like, a really valuable face-to-face interaction.

TJ was my best friend in High School, and between the hecticness of each other’s lives and the pandemic, we haven’t seen each other in over three years. All of a sudden I read one email and I’m all caught up? That’s like, fucked up.

He knows I’m going to be visiting home in like three weeks. Why the hell did he burn through all this shit via email? I don’t know what the fuck we’re even going to talk about IRL now!

Dude has a fucking kid now, and he described him with so much detail and included so many photos that I’m already bored with the little fucker and its mother, who seems like an absolute catch and a wonderful person. That boredom should have happened in person!

Teej really opens up in this thing, shedding light on past turmoils I was unaware of and daily struggles I had no idea he wrestles with, as well as a detailed account of the rock bottom moment that inspired him to turn it all around, go to therapy, and start living his best life. It’s a story that totally would have been worth two hours at a coffee shop and that’s just the first few paragraphs!

And it’s not just all the deep personal shit either! He added his complete media diet, every movie he’s seen, every show he’s binged, and every book he’s read in the last 3 years, complete with his opinions on each.

He told me he loved me. We’ve never said that. It was always there, but we never said it. That’s a moment! That shit should not be dropped in my inbox!

He burned up all the talking points! We’re going to spend the whole time awkwardly re-hashing this email! No, fuck that. My only option is to reply “TLDR” and pretend like I don’t know any of this shit.

Loyal Rat Refuses to Leave Fallen Punk’s Grave

Posted on December 9, 2021 by Johnny Mo

SEAFORD, Del. — Townspeople have taken notice of a feral rat who is now on day seven grieving a transient punk who recently passed away due to “unknown but seemingly natural” causes, emotional onlookers confirmed.

“We’re good Christian folk here with traditional values. Gratitude, bravery, love for thy neighbor — so you understand why it really touched us to see that disgusting piece of homeless shit mourned by one of God’s beautiful creatures,” said town mayor Margaret Billings gesturing to the sleeping rodent. “That little furry angel really encapsulates the compassionate nature of everyone that lives here.”

Patrick Gunderson, posthumously renamed “Rat Guy” by town denizens who had instantly forgotten his name, was largely shunned for his struggles with crack cocaine and his busker lifestyle that was at odds with Seaford’s puritan culture.

“That dirty punk junkie was a stain on this town,” resident Josh Burton stated. “Did he generally stay out of everyone’s way and only offer a smile now and then to people desperately avoiding him while they went into Target? Sure. But those shitty Against Me banjo covers cancel all that right out. I’m glad he’s gone but now we’ve got a god damn rodent problem no one’s willing to address or even consider on account of how adorable the whole thing is, and how she appears to be in some sort of love withdrawal.”

While baffled residents attributed the humanlike grieving to the power of God’s love, Officer Roy McGillicuddy disagreed with the sentiments of the town.

“What we’re witnessing here is a symbiotic relationship that has been disturbed — nothing more. A little bit of everything that went near Rat Guy’s mouth ended up in his beard too, so the rat got beard-goodies and in return provided Rat Guy with the closest thing to a grooming he’s ever had,” he explained. “Now that Rat Guy is gone, so is the supply of rat treats. Same goes for those dogs you see laying on their late owner’s graves, they’re just waiting to be taken for their daily walk, and are too stupid to realize they’re already outside.”

At press time, the wide-eyed sweaty rat was seen maniacally clawing at the gravesite’s soil along with McGillicuddy’s drug-sniffing dogs.

Why Becoming a Roomba Mother Convinced Me of the Need for Paid Family Leave

Posted on December 9, 2021 by Sarah Cassell

I never understood paid family leave. If people want time off to relax and sit around then they shouldn’t have made a resource-sucking clone of themselves in the first place. But after becoming a mother myself, I see things a bit differently. Being a new Roomba mother taught me a lot of things. Mostly that my work should give me a few weeks off.

Caring for a new member of the family is hard work. Particularly when that new member is a Roomba. Between helping it set a schedule, teaching it the ins and outs of your house, and integrating it with the pets (who I used to think were as difficult to raise as Roombas but oh how naive I was), raising this thing is more work than my actual job!

Heck, sometimes my Roomba gets stuck and starts beeping in the middle of a meeting, and I have to turn my Zoom camera off and check on him and flip him over. Sometimes he gets stuck under the bed. That little goofball. When that happens I have to crawl under and get him. If we had paid family leave, then my little “Ba” could get the time and affection he so desperately needs.

Paid family leave would also make me a more productive worker. Last night my Roomba was low on charge and started beeping. I had to wake up and make sure he found his charging portal in the kitchen. The next day I was exhausted and could barely focus on my meetings and my Roomba spent the day just spinning in circles near the couch. Family leave isn’t just for the mother. We both deserve the time off!

Paid family leave is so important! You mean you’re gonna tell me I’m not allowed to take a puppy from its mother until it’s eight weeks old, but we’re just making new Roomba parents go back to work right after it exits the box? Seems like a mess, and not one my new Roomba© s3+ is gonna clean up.

Band Has Token Girl Drummer, Girl Bassist, Girl Guitarist, and Girl Singer

Posted on December 9, 2021 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Audience members were upset at a local punk show last night when touring band Metallicunt revealed themselves to have a token girl drummer, bassist, guitarist, and lead singer.

“It’s just so blatantly a diversity and ‘quirkiness’ thing and frankly, I’m sick of it,” said audience member and self-proclaimed “male feminist” Rick Braun. “I hate it when a band clearly thinks it’s cool to have a girl member, and I don’t care that they all are founding members of the band and are very talented musicians, I just think that they all diversity-hired each other. Having all women in the band like that made it hard for me to tell who was the bassist and who was the singer. I definitely will not be supporting.”

The show’s producer Michael Shanley commented about how his role has changed given the band’s lineup.

“It has been a real trouble dealing with four girls all in one band,” Shanley said. “For starters, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which one to sexualize. Furthermore, none of them said they were playing exclusively the tambourine during soundcheck, so that was another issue. Audiences just hate when there’s one token girl member, so four token girl members makes my job very difficult. Sure, they may have it pretty bad, but people neglect to consider how this affects me, and I think that’s not very fair.”

Industry insider Jack Mayfair spoke out in favor of the band and condemned the criticism the band was receiving.

“All this sexism is making me sick,” Mayfair said. “I strongly think it’s a great thing when something has a token woman, it really covers our ass. I, for one, think it is past time we had a token woman in the White House. Not as president, per se, but just in the building. How magnificent that would be. This band rocks, and their gender shouldn’t matter. But since it does, I’m a hero for enjoying them.”

At press time, not a single woman was interviewed about this event, but nobody saw that as being part of the problem.

Mid-30s Woman Survives Crazy Bender of Introducing Self to Three Strangers, Following Them on Instagram

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Emma Jonas

DURHAM, N.C. — Local graphic designer Kendra Thayer was relieved to wake up intact after an intense night of introducing herself to three complete strangers that culminated in mutual Instagram follows, astonished sources report.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Thayer said. “I haven’t done anything like that since college. Back then I’d meet five, maybe ten people a night, and I’d wake up with three or four DMs from people most mornings asking me if we were still on for brunch. I was posting on so many walls every day. I have no idea how I had that kind of stamina. The morning after I followed these people, I nearly gave myself a migraine trying to scroll through their pics and like just enough to show that I was interested in continuing our friendship, but not overly expectant or obsessive.”

Thayer and wife Beth Ainsley had been enjoying a drink at Archie’s when Thayer approached a group of three strangers to compliment one of their handbags.

“I thought that version of Kendra was gone when she lost the password to her MySpace account, but I guess old habits die hard,” Ainsley said. “I was right there with her in her Top 8 in those days, but now, we’re too old to be doing that kind of stuff. I can follow maybe one or two trending Instagram accounts a week, sure, three if I’m feeling saucy. But to meet people in real life and exchange follows so quickly? I’m amazed she still has it in her. I’m a little worried, if I’m being honest. A couple weeks ago she joked around with a cashier at Target. I don’t know if I can keep up.”

Fortunately for Thayer, her new acquaintances did not return the favor.

“I don’t know who that person is and I don’t care to,” said “new friend” on Instagram Davida Hardy. “I added a new person to my close friends list this past April and my roster is full. It’s too much. You can’t expect me to keep up all evening sending fire reacts to pics of a glass of wine, or heart emojis to reels of someone’s kids in a pumpkin patch forever. I wish her the best but I just can’t commit to a new follow right now.”

At press time, Thayer was temporarily deactivating her Facebook account and setting her Instagram to private, at least until she and Beth get caught up on “Succession.”

‘Friend Zoned’ Guy Using Friend Kind Of Liberally

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Ryan Danley

DENVER — Local cryptocurrency trader, Evan Silver, pushed the limits of the definition of ‘friend’ when discussing a current relationship in which he was “put in the friend zone,” sources confirm.

“When I first met Kirstin [Shaw] at Dan-o’s party last month, we hit it off immediately. We just had this connection. We only talked for a minute, laughing about the White Claw selection, but it was like we had known each other forever. So that night when I sent her a DM and she only answered with a blue thumbs up, I knew I had been put in the ‘friend zone,’” said Silver. “But I’m not one to let a good thing go so when she posted a sad poem on Facebook a couple days later, I messaged her immediately asking if everything was OK, and if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. She never responded. Probably too afraid to hurt our friendship.”

When alerted to the ‘friend zone’ accusations, a confused Shaw first had to look up the word “friend” in a dictionary.

“It turns out ‘friend’ has a broad definition, and I guess he fits it. Sort of. But he’s more accurately an acquaintance. We have mutual ‘proper friends,’ but if I saw him on the street, I would smile but wouldn’t stop to talk. So maybe he’s in the ‘Acquaintance Zone,” if that’s a thing,” said Shaw. “And honestly I didn’t even realize he had messaged me after that meme I posted. My inbox filled up with dudes asking me if I’m alright. Sadly they all end up in the ‘DM Dude Zone.’ That’s tough to break out of. Why do I have to think about this, though?”

Cultural anthropologist Simon Daniels isn’t surprised by the miscommunication.

“While we may laugh at the extended use of the word ‘friend’ we have to look at the broader context of the term in history. Friends used to have a specific meaning, a human emotional connection. Someone you could count on. Now, friends are mostly just people who agree with you while shitposting on subreddits,” said Daniels. “Words change meaning over time. But one thing that does stay the same — nice guys finish last! Just ask that girl I went on two dates with who won’t respond to any of my ‘happy birthday’ texts. If we are in a ‘friend zone,’ she’s the worst friend I’ve ever met in my life.”

Silver was unavailable for further comment as he was busy liking all the pics from the barista at his local coffee shop’s recent vacation.

I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This But You are Brave, You are Beautiful, and You are About to be Hit by a Car

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Dan Rice

They say that you should be kind to all people because everyone is fighting an invisible war that you know nothing about, but what about the people fighting highly visible wars? Don’t they deserve our love, compassion, and sympathy just as much?

To the total stranger across the street from me right now I want you to know that no matter how down on yourself you get, no matter how many times you fall short of your goals, and no matter how small this world can make you feel, you are a beautiful soul, you are a warrior, and you matter. Also, you are about to be hit by a drunk driver.

I don’t know who you are but you are a luminous being. You are loved, you are heard, and you don’t need to prove anything to anybody, save for perhaps proof of insurance to the hospital should you be conscious after that car hits you.

When I first saw you across the street and realized the impending nature of the accident you are about to be in I thought to myself, “Now there is someone in need of a self-worth check.” I did what any progressive-minded person should do in that situation: I took to my blog.

Make no mistake, this car accident is going to happen. Even if I were to yell “Hey, look out!” to you right now instead of typing up this blog, which I could definitely do because you are totally within earshot, it would probably be too late. You are getting hit by that car and you can’t change that. What you CAN change is how you REACT to being hit by that car.

Instead of saying: “Holy shit that car is about to hit me, I’m so dumb for chasing that quarter that rolled out into the street and got stuck on some gum!”
Say: I am learning to be more frugal, and it’s okay if there are some bumps along the way!

Instead of saying: “I deserve this for being such an idiot!”
Say: “I deserve love and respect, even if I sometimes make mistakes!”

Instead of saying: “I am flying through the air from that car hitting me and will likely die on impact.”
Say: “Weeee! This is fun!”

I pray that this post will reach you in time, but even if it doesn’t, I don’t care. I just need to say that you are a glorious ray of light and I hope that you never forget it, even as you are propelled through the air by that speeding Buick, having been knocked right out of your shoes which, yes, does actually happen. I’ve seen a lot of accidents.

Metal Band Debates Whether Their Commitment Is Full Corpse Paint and Cloaks or Just Longish Hair

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Matt McInerney

PHOENIX — Aging members of local metal band Toxins in the Bloodstream are deep in a spiraling debate about whether they should go all-in with corpse paint and cloaks or just keep growing their hair out a bit, aggravated sources confirmed.

“Our first show is Saturday night at the Fat Cat and I’m just not sure about Alvin’s idea to go big with the full face makeup and outfits. Once you commit to that, I just don’t know if there’s any going back. It’s already hard enough just finding time to practice,” said Gunner Hightower, vocalist, and father of two. “Sure, corpse paint would look cool, but I have to pick up my kids after this show. I don’t want to spend an hour wiping myself down and trying to get out of the weird gimp suit he showed me. My hair is already long enough to poke out the bottom of a beanie, other than that, smudged eyeliner is as far as I’m willing or able to go.”

Drummer Alvin Ball, however, hoped for a more dramatic look to be shared by the band.

“If you’ve seen four older dudes in flannels and work boots up on stage, you’ve seen 100 — this is our shot to really set ourselves apart and let the metal community know we’re not fucking around,” said Ball, while opening a grey wool cloak to adjust a spiked belt with a padlock on the front of it. “I’ve got the smoke machines rented, and I’ve hired a few local actors to hang from these sick crosses I built in my shop. Plus, I managed to snatch up every last makeup kit in stock before that Spirit Halloween turned back into a vape shop. This is gonna be dope!”

Venue owner, Big Fat Rob, did not seem to understand what we were talking about when asked for comment.

“Oh, I thought they were just doing covers. Aren’t they like Hollywood Vampires or something? Isn’t that what black metal is, some sort of Alice Cooper business? I golfed with him one time ya know,” the Fat Cat owner stated. “Anyways, we usually get a good turnout, 20 or 30 peoples. I figure, give the crowd a ‘Freebird’ or two, they’ll be thrilled. Seems like a great way to break up the two comics I’ve got booked that night.”

As the band practiced late into Friday night, Ball’s wife was spotted reluctantly asking their neighborhood butcher if they had any extra pig’s blood behind the counter.

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