QUINCY, Mass. — Members of the Massachusetts Teachers Association are reportedly making plans to launch an all-out attack on Gaza in order to get some shred of government funding, bespectacled sources confirmed.
“Our teachers are tired of spending their own money on standard supplies. Taxpayers expect their money to go to schools and roads, but instead we are sending money to people halfway across the world so they can commit war crimes,” said union rep Trish O’Connell. “We’ve come to the logical conclusion that the only way to get government funding is to commit war crimes ourselves. We wish it didn’t have to come to this, most of us have never fired a gun, we don’t look like soldiers, and flying that far is going to make us jet lagged for days if not weeks. But it’s the only way our members will get any support from Congress.”
Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.
“I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery. “I’m really curious just how quickly the U.S. war machine will provide us with weapons, because the U.S. education machine is in pieces on the floor, and teachers are paying for the repairs.”
Former President Joe Biden saluted the brave teachers and their decision.
“Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden. “I hope we send an extra billion dollars over there to motivate more people to join these brave teachers. Go to Israel and see what the American government can really do. And let’s not forget they won’t have to pay for healthcare over there thanks to our taxpayer dollars.”
At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.
In what has somehow become a footnote in rock history, the organizers of the free concert at Altamont did the whole thing over the next night as a sort of make-good. The Angels promised to be on their best behavior so long as they were once again paid in unlimited beer, terms that Mick Jagger inexplicably agreed to.
Yes, it’s confounding, but during the reaction shots of The Stones watching the first cut of the documentary Hells Angels are off camera, waiting in the wings in case the shit goes down. By the time the group hears the threatening post-Altamont phone call in which Sonny Barger calls Mick Jagger an idiot and justifies murder over a kicked motorcycle even Mick must have been thinking “Should I have hired these guys again?”
It’s understandable that in Mick Jagger’s elite world, even something as simple as a child’s birthday requires some level of security. All the same, it is truly baffling that Mick went with Hells Angels on this one. It’s even more baffling that once again, Mick opted to pay the Angels in beer.
Inspired by the rising popularity of martial arts in the 1970s and the film “The Pink Panther,” Mick decided random attacks would help him keep his judo sharp. Unfortunately, he once again succumbed to his two worst habits—hiring an entire motorcycle club and paying them in beer. The Angels would get so drunk waiting for Mick to walk down the street that they would forget what they were hired to do and just jump him all at once.
When Mick Jagger was invited to become a knight of the realm he was honored, but also a little intimidated. The idea of entering the Queen’s palace knowing it was filled with her own personal army of men who never smiled frightened him. Then he remembered that he too had a personal army of men who never smiled— Hells Angels, whom he invited along.
It turns out that even as a cartoon Mick Jagger doesn’t feel safe without his boys. He agreed to appear in “The Simpsons” under one condition; that a separate team of animators drew Hells Angels just out of frame watching cartoon Mick’s back. The Angels demanded to oversee the animation process and wound up demanding that artists animate a scene of them stabbing Hans Moleman to death. They even made Dan Castellaneta voice the line “I’m not even in this episode!” in his Moleman voice.
Apparently, some PR rep thought it would be good for Mick to be spotted doing normal everyday stuff for one of those “Stars are just like us” segments. Unfortunately, stars are not just like us, and some of them (Mick) bring Hells Angels with them everywhere they go.
They stabbed Lorne, but apparently, that’s not an uncommon occurrence. He’s more machine than man now.
A few years ago Mick finally recognized Hells Angels as a toxic presence in his life. Fearing retribution for cutting them out of his life, and perhaps in a display of waning faculties, Mick turned to his go-to fixers for protection, Hells Angels. Interestingly the Angels did take the contract, and when Mick gave them a manila envelope containing a picture of Hells Angels several Angels stabbed themselves before anyone realized the mix up.
The title of this album is deeply misleading as there is no birth and very little violence to be found on this record, especially considering this was a return to Chelsea’s softer, singer songwriter roots. After the explosive “Hiss Spun” this album just feels like a step back from the celestial void, and the songwriting is most certainly more down to earth here then on previous albums, with the arrangements being much sparser. While this makes for a good artistic choice, this album still fails to deliver on its title, so it ranks at the bottom.
After writing an allegedly terrible album in the 2000s, Chelsea Wolfe re-entered the music scene with 2010s “The Grime and the Glow,” with stripped-back, folksy songs that have a strong, almost eye-poppingly apparent sense of melancholy. All of the ingredients to a kickass Chelsea offering are here, but without the heat and bite that gives her that “Wolfe” edge on later releases, but it’s a great relaunch of a music career, and a reminder that whatever stage of life you are in, that you too can start writing awesome music, maybe even tour behind it.
While it may sound like some dystopian plastic surgery procedure, “Apokalypsis” is actually the first Chelsea Wolfe album to embrace a full band sound. It’s great, sprawling and a work of art on its own, while lacking the atmospheric crush of later releases, it definitely tickles that folky Black Sabbath itch that roped in metalheads and heavy music fans everywhere with its uniquely feminine take on the celestial, often in contrast to the “Beer drinking and hell raising” audience outsiders typically associate with metal. Otherworldly, bold and daring, this album may have done more to get headbangers in touch with their feelings than hours and hours of therapy ever could.
Prior experimentation with industrial/electronic sounds on “Pain is Beauty” prompted Chelsea Wolfe to pursue this sound to its fullest, embracing the darkness not just within her soul, but within machines as well. Kicking things off with the intoxicating, domineering synths of “Carrion Flowers,” the rest of this album comes across just as menacingly, opening your eyes and soul and forcing the abyss to look into you, and it transports the listener on a celestial journey. This record bridged the gap towards the heavier direction Chelsea Wolf would tread down.
Is this the album where Chelsea Wolfe came into her own as a singer and songwriter? The technically correct answer is, yes, since this is the album where the experimentation with more nuanced and varied songwriting began. While previous releases relied more on folksy songwriting, rooted in this world, “Pain is Beauty” sought to expand outwards to the spiritual world, and thanks to co-conspirator Ben Chisolm, this album sounded more celestial than prior releases. Centering around the theme of idealistic love, with a good dose of “feral” energy, this was an album every 2010s Hipster/Goth would come to love in their own way.
After contacting some demons from the netherworld and transforming into a furry, menacing, but still distinctly human creature seen on the album cover, Chelsea Wolfe would then proceed to fully embrace the demonic on this album, strongly inspired by episodes of sleep paralysis she had experienced. This album was unprecedentedly bold, with guest appearances from both Troy Van Leeuen from Queens of the Stone age and living legend Aaron Turner, and the addition of former collaborator Jess Gowrie on drums (check out Ms. Piss for some filthy, noisy sounds from her and Chelsea), this album was a defining record of everything and everything heavy in the 2010s, and it’s just as timeless today if you want to get spun right round right round when you go round.
Whoever she keeps reaching out to, we want a direct line to them, because she definitely inspired one of the best Records of Chelsea’s illustrious career, just released this year is a textbook definition of artistic revitalization. Instantly addictive on first listen, this album gives the feeling that your high school D.A.R.E. counselor wishes was achievable with narcotics, but this album is just that good. Aided by all the usual players, and with the wisdom and experience of a pro, we just might be living in the golden age of Chelsea Wolfe, or we would be if time wasn’t an irrelevant construct.
Danny uses a disturbing episode from his youth to illustrate to Michelle how going along with the crowd isn’t always the best path to take. Danny used his time as a wayward teen living on Spahn Ranch with Charles Manson as a teachable example after his daughter was caught cheating in class. “Michelle, I woke up one morning in a heap of naked freaks to find Charlie shooting me up with amphetamines while glaring into my eyes and commanding that I go with Tex and Squeaky to cut up those piggies in Benedict Canyon. Now, would doing speed all day and going on a murderous rampage have been the right choice for Daddy to make, just because everyone else was? No, honey. It’s best to follow your heart and think for yourself.”
Danny explains that it’s more fulfilling to earn money than be given it, so Michelle opens a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of their home. Sadly, she attracts few customers. In a glum mood, Michelle seeks comfort from Danny while they sit next to her nearly full pitcher of lemonade. “Michelle, the invisible hand of the market simply declared your lemonade to be an unworthy investment for thirsty people. I know you’re merely a toddler but it’s high time you understand the power of capitalism. It’s the only god we worship in this house. On second thought, forget about the lemonade. Just make friends at school with the kids in the expensive onesies and fleece them for all they’re worth.”
With the help of her preschool teacher Michelle wrote a basic poem about the important things in the life of a small child. She excitedly shares it with Danny, who reacts less like a caring father than snide literature critic. “Michelle, I know you may think rhyming ‘trees’ with ‘bees’ is somehow special, but it’s trite fluff compared to the brilliant couplets of Ferlinghetti’s ‘Wild Dreams Of A New Beginning.’ I mean, seriously, what is revealed about the essence of man by rhyming ‘car’ with ‘star?’ Your scribbles don’t stir my spirit like ‘Beyond the cloverleaf turnoffs / Souls eat souls in the general emptiness.’ Sweetie, your poem wouldn’t even make the bargain bin at City Lights.”
It’s one of those days when the kids are just not getting along with each other. Stephanie grabbed Michelle’s favorite matchbox car and held it high in the air out of Michelle’s reach. She runs to Danny for help. He listens briefly but then shifts the topic to himself. “Michelle honey, I understand your frustration. You could say that Uncle Jesse and Joey have been holding something above your daddy’s head for a long time. Something awful. Something that forces me to give those bums free room and board in our home. Have you heard the term blackmail before, Michelle? Those two conniving bastards claim to know something about Daddy that he absolutely cannot allow the world to know. Don’t worry, it’s definitely not about your mother’s mysterious death.”
In her preschool class, Michelle gets in trouble for the first time. During circle time her teacher confiscates the toy Michelle snuck from home. After school Danny finds Michelle not her usual cheery self. “Oh honey, I know it saddens my little girl but the teacher was right to put your toy in her desk. I know how it hurts to have things taken from you. Remember when Daddy’s girlfriend Vicky got scared that I simply unholstered my concealed .45 during that scary argument? She got hysterical and so the police came into our kitchen and took Daddy’s gun that he worked really hard for and had all the proper paperwork for and everything. They had no right god dammit, no right! At least you got your toy back at the end of the day.”
