LOWELL, Mass. — Mercy High School punk Theo “Gerbil” Barnes unwittingly eschewed prom tradition when he pinned a corsage through his date Julee Santoro’s nose instead of her dress, repulsed sources close to the rogue romantic said.
“I’ve never been to prom. Or school. And I don’t know what a corsage is, but I’m really good with the pins and needles part,” Barnes said. “Once, I stitched an entire His Hero Is Gone backpatch out of dryer lint and nail clippings. Since Julee’s dress was short, strapless, backless, sleeveless and basically material-less, I did what any punk would do and pierced that corsage right through her cute button nose. She looked gorgeous, but man, what a bleeder! And deathly allergic to carnations, apparently. But once Julee regained consciousness, I got the biggest, bloodiest kiss ever. With tongue!”
Admitting the gesture was equally thoughtful and brainless, Santoro was still smitten with Barnes.
“Sure, Gerbil could have gone with a wrist corsage instead of using my nose as a pin cushion, but I know how much my stabby little love muffin enjoys sharp objects,” Santoro said, still bleeding profusely from the face. “It took 24 tries, but once the corsage was attached I felt like a princess! Then I felt light headed and sneezed blood everywhere until collapsing…right into my hero’s arms. To repay Gerbil for nearly ending then saving my life, I pinned his boutonniere. His leather tux was already covered in patches, so the only place left to stick it was through his peehole Prince Albert-style. Twinning!”
School nurse slash chaperone Tiff Thorndike recapped being the first and only responder at the prom bloodbath.
”Full transparency, I’m not a medically trained or licensed nurse,” Thorndike confessed. “But I’m great at not helping kids, so Mercy keeps me around. Zero expertise aside, Julee’s nose was super infected. So I sterilized the gash with Gerbil’s rotgut whisky, then chugged the rest because fuck my job and my life. Then I jammed a tampon up Julee’s snout. She bled like Jesus wept, so I went XL with a maxi pad. But hey, I did my job. Wait, maybe I’m a real nurse after all!? Suck it, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman!”
At press time, the chivalrous Barnes draped his leather jacket over a puddle of his own vomit so Santoro wouldn’t slip on the dancefloor.