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Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government Funding

QUINCY, Mass. — Members of the Massachusetts Teachers Association are reportedly making plans to launch an all-out attack on Gaza in order to get some shred of government funding, bespectacled sources confirmed.

“Our teachers are tired of spending their own money on standard supplies. Taxpayers expect their money to go to schools and roads, but instead we are sending money to people halfway across the world so they can commit war crimes,” said union rep Trish O’Connell. “We’ve come to the logical conclusion that the only way to get government funding is to commit war crimes ourselves. We wish it didn’t have to come to this, most of us have never fired a gun, we don’t look like soldiers, and flying that far is going to make us jet lagged for days if not weeks. But it’s the only way our members will get any support from the Biden administration.”

Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.

“I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery. “I’m really curious just how quickly the U.S. war machine will provide us with weapons, because the U.S. education machine is in pieces on the floor, and teachers are paying for the repairs.”

President Joe Biden saluted the brave teachers and their decision.

“Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden. “I’m going to send an extra billion dollars over there to motivate more people to join these brave teachers. Go to Israel and see what the American government can really do. And let’s not forget they won’t have to pay for healthcare over there thanks to our taxpayer dollars.”

At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.