Circle of Life: Man Conceived In Bathroom At Slipknot Concert Plans to Follow in His Parent’s Footsteps At 25th Anniversary Tour

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

NOBLESVILLE, Ind. — Local metalhead Lonny Godwin, a man who was conceived in the handicapped stall in the bathroom of The Union Bar in Iowa City during Slipknot’s World Domination Tour, plans to follow in his parent’s footsteps by having unprotected sex with his girlfriend during the band’s upcoming 25th anniversary tour, confirmed multiple sources tired of hearing about the plan.

“My father and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. He hasn’t talked to me ever since I set his boat on fire after trying to launch some dead fish into the air with fireworks. But I have to admit that he got it right when it came to conceiving a child,” said Godwin while repairing his dirtbike. “People say that playing classical music for your kid in the womb makes them smarter, but conceiving your kid during the ‘Eyeless’ will make them tough as nails I should know, I’ve never had a broken bone, and that includes the time I fell off the ferris wheel at the county fair when I was 12. Just needed 240 stitches, didn’t even cry.”

Godwin’s girlfriend of 18-months, Becky Ivers, was excited about the prospect of motherhood.

“Lonny has always been a little hesitant about being a father. He has a bunch of excuses like how he wants to be financially stable enough to get an above ground pool before being a dad, but then Slipknot announced this tour and everything changed,” said Ivers. “As soon as he got the pre-sale email he started Googling things like ‘best position to get my girl pregnant’ and ‘best burgers to make semen stronger.’ Personally I can’t wait, we haven’t had sex in a public bathroom in weeks because he doesn’t want to jump the gun.”

Music historian Andreas Gutiérrez believes there is an entire generation of metal fans entering the prime of their moshing lives that were conceived in or around Slipknot performances.

“There is a distinct subset of Gen Z that can be labeled ‘Oz Fest babies.’ They are now in their 20s, they grew up listening to these bands and now is there chance to be the ones running the pit,” said Gutiérrez. “I have to warn the older fans that are now pushing 50 to be careful. Your children are now at the point where they can kick the crap out of you. Don’t be the dad that brings his son or daughter to a Slipknot show only to have that same son or daughter knock them out during a mosh part.”

At press time, Godwin and Ivers announced they would be trying for twins by having sex during the first Slipknot song, and during the encore.

Metalhead Running Late for Show Accidentally Puts On Sister’s Girl Scouts Vest

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WAUKEE, Iowa — Tardy metalhead Colby Shelton accidentally wore his young sister’s Girl Scout vest to a recent show, mistaking it for his battle vest, confirmed multiple sources

“I was running late because the pre-show beef lo mein sent me running for the crapper. I didn’t want to miss the opener so I quickly grabbed my battle jacket out of the mud room, got in my car and dragged ass over to the venue,” said Shelton. “Yeah, my jacket felt a bit snug, but I didn’t notice anything was weird until I started spotting a bunch of people giving me the three-finger salute and asking if I could hook them up with a few boxes of peanut butter Tagalongs.”

Venue barback Erin Glibert was one of the few in attendance excited to see a “Girl Scout” at the show.

“To be honest, I didn’t even notice that the ‘Girl Scout’ was a 20-something bearded man and not a little girl. All I knew was that the venue was really in the weeds, and I figured with some of the badges they had, they could be a huge help to us,” said Gilbert. “The guys at the merch table accidentally ripped a bunch of shirts and needed someone who was good with a sewing needle. Maybe the scout could also give them some advice on salesmanship, considering how those girls are slinging cookies. And then a mama opossum and her babies made a nest inside the bass drum. And I figured since they earned their ‘animal habitat’ badge they’d be just the person to help get them out safely and humanely.”

Local Girl Scout Samantha “Big Sammi” Blankenship expressed her frustration regarding Shelton’s mistake.

“Frankly speaking, this is a bunch of bush league bullshit, and this wannabe scout can get fucked,” explained the seven-year-old. “Stolen valor doesn’t just apply to fat middle-aged dudes pretending to have been Navy Seals when the only time they’ve been at the bow of a ship is on Disney’s Jungle Cruise. We’ve got a rep to protect. And if any of us girls see this guy on the street we’re swinging on him, no hesitation. That’s what it means to live by Girl Scout law.”

At press time, Shelton found himself in even more hot water after mistaking his younger brother’s Boy Scout neckerchief for a bandana.

Brain Cancer? This Woman Still Has a Headache After Taking Three Sips of Water

Posted on by Dom Turek

Walk down the corridors of an oncology wing anywhere in the country and you’ll learn just how “fair” life is. A chorus of “Why her?” And “How long do they have left” echo off the walls and fall onto the dead-end ears of doctors who have seen it all. Everyone thinks it won’t happen to them until it does.

Finding that her headache persisted after taking three massive sips of tepid water from a never-been-washed mason jar that lives permanently on her bedside table, Ayanna Kiesel knew her fate was sealed. She would go from being known as an enthusiastic young sales associate at an up-and-coming cosmetics brand to a brave yet doomed cancer patient. How could life be so cruel?

Although doctors tend to look down on self-diagnosis, when the writing on the wall is this clear most professionals will agree you need not spend your life savings on fancy medical assessments and high-tech body scans to confirm the obvious. In such dire circumstances, it’s best to move from denial to acceptance and begin researching burial plots as soon as possible, so as not to burden her grief-stuck family with funereal tasks.

What started as just a dull innocuous throbbing on the right side of her skull turned into a full-blown headache bordering on migraine territory. Who knew cancer cells could metastasize so severely in just a matter of minutes? What kind of cruel god would use terminal brain cancer as his Trojan horse to deliver a message about the sanctity of life?

It’s terrifying to think that a woman like Kiesel who only smoked on the weekends and took expired vitamins every day could fall victim to such a relentless fate. It’s as if the Pedialyte she added to her tequila soda last night did nothing to improve her body’s immune response. Unfortunately, it’s true what they say about God giving his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.

Friends and family are welcome to go by her apartment later today and say their final goodbyes if the $11 coconut water, bath bomb, and shiatsu neck massager fail to relieve her condition.

Goth Can’t Fall Asleep Without Screams of the Tormented Noise Machine

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SEATTLE — Local goth Amelia Jones discovered the only way she can fall asleep is through the use of a white noise machine projecting the pained screams of tormented souls, terrified witnesses have reported.

“As much as the nighttime suits me, I do need to rest in order to function in this decaying society. Falling asleep to gory Italian horror movies wasn’t working anymore, so last week I got one of those white noise machines that projects the twisted wails of tormented souls condemned to the deepest pits of despair. And let me tell you, I’ve been sleeping like the dead,” said Jones. “There’s something about disembodied voices crying out in agony that calms my mind better than any spooky sound effect CD ever could. I think I may just treat myself to the deluxe version that includes the serial killer victims begging for their lives.”

While Jones was experiencing the best sleep she’s had in ages, her roommate was tethering on the edge of insanity.

“I wake up in the middle of the night feeling I’m literally in hell. I should have drawn the line when she bought the coffin bed, as comfortable as it is, but I personally haven’t slept in days. What haunted Sharper Image magazine did she order this from?” said Julia Wilkins. “I mean I’m glad she’s getting more sleep because she used to keep me up with her wandering around the apartment all night slamming doors and moving furniture, but this is ten times worse. It just sounds so visceral, I think those might be actual people burning in hellfire.”

Sleep scientists have conducted multiple studies verifying the effectiveness of Jones’ terrifying noise machine.

“White noise machines help mask external stimuli that would make it hard for someone to sleep but calming noises are different for everyone. Fighting as it may be to everyone else around her, Ms. Jones’s brain needs the guttural cries of the damned to rest,” said Dr. Jennifer Hull. “We’ve seen this phenomenon in other subcultures in our sleep studies, like how metalheads can only fall asleep to the sounds of burning churches or emo kids needing to listen to breakup voicemails from their exes.”

As of press time, Jones’ noise machine had been smashed apart by her roommate, forcing her to fall to her backup of taking too much Benadryl and hallucinating her sleep paralysis demon tuck her in.

President Biden Promises If Re-Elected America Will Have First Female President Within Three Months

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Biden congratulated Mexico’s first female president Claudia Sheinbaum on her win and promised Americans that this country’s glass ceiling will also be shattered within three months of his second term if he is re-elected.

“I love to see more female leadership around the world, it makes those big summits so much more enjoyable when I have a little eye candy,” said President Biden while struggling to blink. “But listen Jack, I know people want me to live forever. I see a lot of the kids out there on college campuses talk about how great I look for an 81-year-old. Unfortunately we have to face the facts, I’m one bathtub slip and fall away from cracking my body in half. Let’s get through this next election, and then yeah, America can have it’s first female president. Maybe it comes with a bit of an asterisk, but it’s still progress.”

Vice-President Kamala Harris remains excited about the prospect of becoming the leader of the free world.

“This transition wasn’t supposed to take this long. I took this job expecting Joe to croak within the first three months. Have you ever touched the guy? His bones feel like they are made out of pool noodles,” said Vice President Harris. “I don’t know what sort of special pills he has access to that keep his heart pumping, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rooting for Joe to die, but also it just looks like he’s in pain all the time. He reminds me a lot of a cat I had after college, it lived to be 25, it was deaf, blind, and needed help going to the bathroom. That’s Joe in a nutshell.”

Right-wing pundits were quick to talk about their hesitancy about having a female president.

“I love my mom, I love my daughter, heck I even love my wife sometimes, but none of them have what it takes to be president. The job requires a cool demeanor, someone who isn’t bothered easily, a lot like former President Trump, who is the definition of cool under pressure,” said Garret Lotta, host of  “These Colors Don’t Run” on YouTube. “We need to be careful about how many women we elect. They tend to get emotional, especially when you point out how emotional they get.”

At press time, a FOIA request of Vice President Harris’ internet searches showed she asked “How long do you have to pretend to be sad after your boss’ funeral?” hundreds of times in the past three months.

Tragedy Strikes After Malfunctioning Wind Turbine Spills Wind All Over Farmer’s Field

Posted on by Stephen Bell

CLAY CENTER, Kan. — An environmental catastrophe devastated a local farmer’s field after a malfunctioning wind turbine caused a dangerous amount of wind to spill everywhere, according to several sources.

“I knew the environmentalists were lying to me when they told me that gosh darn turbine was safe,” said farmer and spill victim Ken Hughes. “But one day I look out and I see that big ole fan they built spinning faster than ever. Next thing I know several stalks of corn are leaning more than they should be and my truck’s all dusty and in need of a wash. Heck, I stepped outside to try to control the damage and my hat nearly flew off my head. But no please go on about how safe these cancer mills really are.”

Fossil fuel lobbyist Carl Paxton said this is exactly the type of thing he had been trying to warn people about for years.

“Wind is dangerous and has too many negative side effects unlike safe, dependable oil,” claimed Paxton. “For example, wind messes up your hair while oil can help slick it down. Wind makes you all cold and chilly while burning oil helps warm you up. And what’s to say we won’t run out of wind? I can’t see the wind so it’s so hard to find new sources of wind. Meanwhile we know where to find more oil making it replenishable. It’s clear to me that oil is the better option. And when is the last time you went to go on a nice family picnic but had to pack up early because it was too oily outside? Exactly.”

WindCorp, the company that owns the wind turbine in question, was hesitant to take responsibility for the wind spill.

“It’s not our responsibility to clean up any wind spills that happen,” said WindCorp rep Alyson Gardner. “These are the risks we take when we decide to try and harness the energy of something so powerful as the wind. Mr. Hughes knew that when he agreed to allow us to put our turbine on his property. His request for $30 in order to replace his damaged corn is ridiculous and quite frankly we’re ready for a long drawn out court battle.”

At press time, other farmers were raising concerns about new solar panel installations sucking up all of the sun’s heat and causing another Ice Age.

Do You Drive a Hybrid Car for the Environment or Just Because You Like Silently Creeping Around Parking Lots?

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Hybrid cars sure are nifty! Being able to run on gas or battery power is perfect for people who feel kind of bad about exhaust pollution, but not bad enough to ride a bike or take public transportation. And also for people who just want to slink around at low speeds in complete, creepy silence for some reason.

Which type of hybrid driver are you? Take our helpful quiz to find out!

1. What’s the first thing people typically comment on when they see your car?

A. Uh, nothing, really. They’ve seen a lot of Honda CR-V’s before. Maybe the rack for our mountain bikes? It’s solid.

B. “Wait — is your entire windshield painted solid black? That seems illegal and extremely dangerous.”

2. Where are you usually headed in your hybrid car?

A. Work, the gym, maybe Home Depot on a Saturday. You know, the usual.

B. I am nowhere. I am everywhere. I am your vehicular phantom.

3. Let’s just get right down to it. Have people ever said there’s something “weird” or “creepy” about your car and your driving?

A. Nope. If anyone ever comments, it’s usually about how cute our senior dog Rex is. He loves sticking his head out the window.

B. Look, my silent entries into private lots and driveways are important stealth missions and the interlopers who keep calling the cops just don’t get it.

4. How do you feel about the warning sounds that hybrid cars make to alert pedestrians when they’re in electric mode?

A. Seems like a good feature. I love both reducing my greenhouse gas emissions and not committing manslaughter in a crowded Target parking lot.

b. My hot wiring guy ripped that out on day one. And the headlights. I will be neither heard nor seen. By night, I am a wolf. My distant piercing howl as I speed far away will be the only sign of my visit.

5. What music do you like listening to when driving?

A. Rock, folk, metal, hip-hop — whatever I’m in the mood for. Maybe even a podcast about the urgency of climate change.

B. The horrified and oddly melodic gasps of everyone who couldn’t hear my car coming.

6. Ever gotten a ticket?

A. I’ve coasted down a hill a little too fast a few times. Good ol’ gravity!

B. They can fling all the tickets they want for “trespassing.” I will continue to circle every local condo complex every night. I lean out the window in my balaclava and flap my giant wing sleeves made of genuine crow feathers. My car’s engine remains silent as a cemetery. My power is untouchable.

7. Finally, how’s your car’s fuel economy?

A. I’m getting a sweet 45-50 mpg on most trips, sometimes even more.

B. Huh?

Results:

Mostly A’s: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a hybrid car that you purchased or leased for morally sound and economically logical reasons! Your worst flaw is getting a little bit smug when gas prices are especially high.

Mostly B’s: You definitely own a hybrid car only for low-speed silent creeping. We’re not allowed to give legal advice, but maybe should toss out whatever device you took this quiz on. Also, we hate to even suggest it, but maybe you should just go full electric?

Black Cat at Adoption Event Still Holding Out Hope Danzig Will Show Up

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local shelter cat Midnight is holding out hope that legendary frontman Glenn Danzig will show up in the waning minutes of today’s adoption event to bring him back to a spooky forever home, skeptical sources confirmed.

“You think people would evolve past these old superstitions about black cats being bad luck and see that I’m house trained, love to cuddle, and get along great with other animals. But no, these families are plucking up orange cats like they are going extinct, even though everyone knows orange cats are nightmares,” said Midnight while longingly gazing at the entrance of the gymnasium where the adoption drive was taking place. “It’s fine though, I know who I want to take me home. He’s got long hair, he’s about 5’2” tall, and he knows a quality cat when he sees one. I’m sure Danzig is just running a bit late, he’s a busy guy, I bet that prick Jerry Only is talking his ear off about donating to Trump’s legal fund.”

Other animals up for adoption were not as optimistic about Midnight’s chances of getting adopted by the aging rocker.

“Look, it’s not that Midnight isn’t cute and charming. I’m sure Danzig would love him. But I heard the guy already has around 80 black cats at his mansion. There was this stray cat I used to run with that lived near Danzig and he said he was too afraid to go through the guy’s garbage because the place gave him the creeps,” said 18-month-old pitbull mix Ricky. “You gotta wonder what a guy like that is doing with so many cats. Hopefully they don’t have to listen to him rehearse those Elvis songs, I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy, which is of course, the UPS delivery guy. Take a hike in those dumb brown shorts, buddy.”

Eliza Gomez, the head of the local Humane Society, says she is in constant contact with Danzig about new animals at the shelter.

“Mr. Anzalone is a great friend to animals. He’s actually donated a good amount of money to renovate the cat room at our Pasadena branch. Because of his generosity, we were able to paint the room completely black and add a bunch of small coffins for the cats to sleep in,” said Gomez. “We also installed a bunch of fake bats hanging from the ceiling for the cats to play with, and he allows us to play early Misfits songs over the speakers whenever a family comes to meet the cats.”

At press time, Danzig announced another Original Misfits world tour so he could continue to afford to buy “the good cat litter.”

Long Island Tattooer Still Makes Good Living Covering Up Brand New Lyrics

Posted on by Vincent J Ives

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. — Greenport tattoo artist Hazel Derulo continues to make an excellent salary by simply covering up Brand New lyrics she originally tattooed in the mid-00s, sources rolling in dough report.

“It wasn’t like ‘BOOM!’, the news broke, and then suddenly I had a queue outside Monsters Ink,” said Derulo while responding to 107 Instagram DMs. “But over time word got out, and all the people I’d done lyrics for started coming back for cover-ups. I’ve been able to upgrade everything, from the website to the shop amenities. I even bought a damn laser for fading and partial removals. One guy had a full sleeve with the astronaut dude from ‘Deja Entendu.’ Last I heard he was considering amputation.”

Adam Lazarus, vocalist for local tribute band Faking Back Sunday, finds the shop’s new look out of step with the locale.

“It’s like a really specific gentrification. Monsters Ink used to be somewhere you’d roll the dice on a real gnarly infection, but Hazel factored that into her pricing and everyone was happy. Now, everything’s gleaming white, painstakingly sterilized, and people even wear masks! All ‘cos of that one creep,” said Lazarus. “In a way I was lucky, I’m on the pretend winning team. The guys in Brand Too were devastated. Jesse Fakey called me in tears, and he’s asking me ‘do I have to do that now? Do I have to do sex crimes?’ It was awful. Convincing him that his band just had to split in faux disgrace felt like a mercy kill”.

Long Island scene historian Hayim Walkenheir insisted that the area’s music community was as safe and thriving as ever.

“Strong Island, baby! Of course our tattoo parlors are upmarket! Things are as good as they’ve ever been. Everyone’s still losing their shit whenever Glassjaw drops some limited edition garbage, The Movielife bafflingly continues to exist, even Crime In Stereo is back,” said Walkenheir while obviously drinking vodka from a water bottle. “Future’s bright too, there’s probably more all-ages nights than there’s ever been. A few of the guys have even had me digitally archive some of them…oh. Oh God, no.”

As of press time, Derulo offered the following advice to her clients: “If you absolutely have to, then maybe get some lyrics a woman wrote.”

Six Songs We Listened to This Week That Go Great With 34 Felony Convictions

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Well here we are again. It’s Sunday, the thought of having to go back to work tomorrow makes you want to put your head in the oven, and even your days off are filled with endless toil. But don’t fret, when life gets you down you can always turn to new music to distract you for a few minutes at a time. Here are six songs for you to dive into so you can forget about the outside world. (Listen to the full playlist of all our picks from this year here.)

Balance and Composure “cross to bear”

Wake up babe, Balance and Compsure has once again surprise dropped a single. “cross to bear” gives fans a look into B&C’s soft grunge/lowkey alt rock side, with contemplative lyrics and almost shoegazey production to boot. Perhaps if they tour in the next few years, their aging fans will be able to slow-motion mosh to this one. We would absolutely sign up for that, just ask our knees.

Speed “THE FIRST TEST”

Australian hardcore maniacs Speed are back at it with another blistering single that will bring out the stank face in even the most jaded of fans. “THE FIRST TEST” has everything; crazy breakdowns, high energy vocals, an inexplicable flute feature (your move Jethro Tull), and an old school record scratch sound effect. You’ll have these two minutes of explosive sound on repeat for the next several days, guaranteed.

Gastr Del Sol “The Bells of St. Mary’s”

If you are remotely plugged into the post-rock scene, you have absolutely heard of Gastr Del Sol. “We Have Dozens of Titles” is their archival release of bonus tracks, live recordings, and rarities from the ‘90s, including “The Bells of St. Mary’s,” a moody, piano-driven instrumental piece. Since you haven’t been doing too hot lately, we suggest queuing this up while staring bleakly out a train window on your way to divorce court.

Southtowne Lanes “Find Your God”

Self-proclaimed “emotive hardcore” gang Southtowne Lanes recently released their first full-length since 2016, titled “Take Care,” which is directly about the death of guitarist Matt Kupka’s father. “Find Your God” is an excellent microcosm of the Eugene, OR band as a whole, featuring catchy Midwest emo guitar hooks, driving percussion, and a mix of dreamy clean vocals and impressively gritty screams. And bonus points for a voicemail at the end, we love that shit and so should you.

Unleash the Archers “Buried in Code”

Listen, you can pretend that high fantasy is cringe, or you can accept the truth that sometimes you need an epic melodic metal anthem to swing the sword you have in your basement around to. That anthem is “Buried in Code” by Vancouver heroes Unleash the Archers. This track, off their new album Phantoma, has the unique quality of somehow sounding like a power metal song from the 80s while retaining a modern edge, likely due to frontwoman Brittney Slayes’ incredible, triumphant vocals. Call her next time you need motivation to get on the treadmill to train for your next LARPing meetup.

Fire-Toolz “Re: Official Request for Reciprocal Indwelling Procedure”

Fire-Toolz is kind of a litmus test for experimental hardcore fans—how far and weird are you willing to go in the name of obscurity? We’ll be upfront and say our staff “noise guy” submitted this one and that we kind of have no idea what’s happening and we are a little scared. But we don’t dislike this feeling either, and in fact we’re kind of mesmerized by this track. Is this how you operate at all times, Peter?

There you have it, six new songs, but there is so much more to discover out there. That’s why we compile all our picks into a strange and disorienting playlist that will make your coworkers file a complaint against you if you get the aux: