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President Biden Promises If Re-Elected America Will Have First Female President Within Three Months

WASHINGTON — President Biden congratulated Mexico’s first female president Claudia Sheinbaum on her win and promised Americans that this country’s glass ceiling will also be shattered within three months of his second term if he is re-elected.

“I love to see more female leadership around the world, it makes those big summits so much more enjoyable when I have a little eye candy,” said President Biden while struggling to blink. “But listen Jack, I know people want me to live forever. I see a lot of the kids out there on college campuses talk about how great I look for an 81-year-old. Unfortunately we have to face the facts, I’m one bathtub slip and fall away from cracking my body in half. Let’s get through this next election, and then yeah, America can have it’s first female president. Maybe it comes with a bit of an asterisk, but it’s still progress.”

Vice-President Kamala Harris remains excited about the prospect of becoming the leader of the free world.

“This transition wasn’t supposed to take this long. I took this job expecting Joe to croak within the first three months. Have you ever touched the guy? His bones feel like they are made out of pool noodles,” said Vice President Harris. “I don’t know what sort of special pills he has access to that keep his heart pumping, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rooting for Joe to die, but also it just looks like he’s in pain all the time. He reminds me a lot of a cat I had after college, it lived to be 25, it was deaf, blind, and needed help going to the bathroom. That’s Joe in a nutshell.”

Right-wing pundits were quick to talk about their hesitancy about having a female president.

“I love my mom, I love my daughter, heck I even love my wife sometimes, but none of them have what it takes to be president. The job requires a cool demeanor, someone who isn’t bothered easily, a lot like former President Trump, who is the definition of cool under pressure,” said Garret Lotta, host of  “These Colors Don’t Run” on YouTube. “We need to be careful about how many women we elect. They tend to get emotional, especially when you point out how emotional they get.”

At press time, a FOIA request of Vice President Harris’ internet searches showed she asked “How long do you have to pretend to be sad after your boss’ funeral?” hundreds of times in the past three months.