LONG ISLAND, N.Y. — Greenport tattoo artist Hazel Derulo continues to make an excellent salary by simply covering up Brand New lyrics she originally tattooed in the mid-00s, sources rolling in dough report.
“It wasn’t like ‘BOOM!’, the news broke, and then suddenly I had a queue outside Monsters Ink,” said Derulo while responding to 107 Instagram DMs. “But over time word got out, and all the people I’d done lyrics for started coming back for cover-ups. I’ve been able to upgrade everything, from the website to the shop amenities. I even bought a damn laser for fading and partial removals. One guy had a full sleeve with the astronaut dude from ‘Deja Entendu.’ Last I heard he was considering amputation.”
Adam Lazarus, vocalist for local tribute band Faking Back Sunday, finds the shop’s new look out of step with the locale.
“It’s like a really specific gentrification. Monsters Ink used to be somewhere you’d roll the dice on a real gnarly infection, but Hazel factored that into her pricing and everyone was happy. Now, everything’s gleaming white, painstakingly sterilized, and people even wear masks! All ‘cos of that one creep,” said Lazarus. “In a way I was lucky, I’m on the pretend winning team. The guys in Brand Too were devastated. Jesse Fakey called me in tears, and he’s asking me ‘do I have to do that now? Do I have to do sex crimes?’ It was awful. Convincing him that his band just had to split in faux disgrace felt like a mercy kill”.
Long Island scene historian Hayim Walkenheir insisted that the area’s music community was as safe and thriving as ever.
“Strong Island, baby! Of course our tattoo parlors are upmarket! Things are as good as they’ve ever been. Everyone’s still losing their shit whenever Glassjaw drops some limited edition garbage, The Movielife bafflingly continues to exist, even Crime In Stereo is back,” said Walkenheir while obviously drinking vodka from a water bottle. “Future’s bright too, there’s probably more all-ages nights than there’s ever been. A few of the guys have even had me digitally archive some of them…oh. Oh God, no.”
As of press time, Derulo offered the following advice to her clients: “If you absolutely have to, then maybe get some lyrics a woman wrote.”