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Goth Can’t Fall Asleep Without Screams of the Tormented Noise Machine

SEATTLE — Local goth Amelia Jones discovered the only way she can fall asleep is through the use of a white noise machine projecting the pained screams of tormented souls, terrified witnesses have reported.

“As much as the nighttime suits me, I do need to rest in order to function in this decaying society. Falling asleep to gory Italian horror movies wasn’t working anymore, so last week I got one of those white noise machines that projects the twisted wails of tormented souls condemned to the deepest pits of despair. And let me tell you, I’ve been sleeping like the dead,” said Jones. “There’s something about disembodied voices crying out in agony that calms my mind better than any spooky sound effect CD ever could. I think I may just treat myself to the deluxe version that includes the serial killer victims begging for their lives.”

While Jones was experiencing the best sleep she’s had in ages, her roommate was tethering on the edge of insanity.

“I wake up in the middle of the night feeling I’m literally in hell. I should have drawn the line when she bought the coffin bed, as comfortable as it is, but I personally haven’t slept in days. What haunted Sharper Image magazine did she order this from?” said Julia Wilkins. “I mean I’m glad she’s getting more sleep because she used to keep me up with her wandering around the apartment all night slamming doors and moving furniture, but this is ten times worse. It just sounds so visceral, I think those might be actual people burning in hellfire.”

Sleep scientists have conducted multiple studies verifying the effectiveness of Jones’ terrifying noise machine.

“White noise machines help mask external stimuli that would make it hard for someone to sleep but calming noises are different for everyone. Fighting as it may be to everyone else around her, Ms. Jones’s brain needs the guttural cries of the damned to rest,” said Dr. Jennifer Hull. “We’ve seen this phenomenon in other subcultures in our sleep studies, like how metalheads can only fall asleep to the sounds of burning churches or emo kids needing to listen to breakup voicemails from their exes.”

As of press time, Jones’ noise machine had been smashed apart by her roommate, forcing her to fall to her backup of taking too much Benadryl and hallucinating her sleep paralysis demon tuck her in.